Tag Archives: humour
Sobjectification
Sobjectification : (n) feeling sad that you feel bad about yourself for sexually objectifying people around you.
Lee’s body was shaking, his shoulders aching. He woke up at 2:12 a.m., feeling aroused and disappointed. Why had he objectified the women in his life yesterday, the old defense mechanism that almost went away but showed up again unannounced?
His body only shook like this when his set of states of energy were rattled severely — at the end of running a marathon on a 25 deg F day, the first time he kissed a woman and the first time he kissed a man, the first interview for a real desk job, the first time he made love to a married woman, standing in a funeral home parlour greeting friends and family of his dead brother in-law.
At his age, shaking could be the early signs of many neurological disorders, not just psychoemotional moments.
Lee’s chest felt like a tree trunk being struck by a hammer. He needed something to calm his nerves.
He turned to the script to check where in the current round of world politics his thoughts were supposed to be aligned…
23 November 1957. Open Letter to Eisenhower and Khrushchev by Bertrand Russell,” published in the New Statesman, followed by a response from Nikita Khruschev on 21 December 1957, with a reply on Eisenhower’s behalf by John Foster Dulles, published on 8 February 1958.
Lee’s shudders got worse. He wasn’t supposed to see he was stuck in an endless tape loop, the sound quality deteriorating playback by playback, his thoughts disintegrating into repetitious nonsense.
Shouldn’t he care where he stood on the alpha male hierarchy of his times? “To know is to do” he was told by the advice of history.
If the universe was here for Lee’s entertainment, why wasn’t his body as entertained as his pondered theories of social engineering?
Why did he revert to objectifying women’s bodies just when he was making a breakthrough?
Why did he let his wife’s withholding of her body for sexual activity influence him in any way, make him feel unwanted, unused, unworthy of attention by the opposite sex?
Was his body’s uncontrolled shivering related merely to caffeine withdrawal?
Yesterday, Lee was sitting in a room with his wife and two people interested in closing a deal to manage Lee’s finances for the rest of his life, taking his hard-earned millions and returning to him an annual “salary,” pension or annuity as a monetary security blanket to hold until he died, depositing his funds in a bank that contains the wealth of others in the entertainment business, from Hollywood to Nashville.
Money had no meaning to Lee. Never had, never will. He only understood purchasing power.
Money never bought Lee happiness. Lee was always happy in his pursuit of knowledge to aid his quest to reorder the words in his vocabulary, long ago knowing that something as mundane as the changing patterns of dust on a wall could entertain him for days.
Money bought Lee new knowledge — he could overwhelm his senses with knowledge or he could add to his knowledge base one coal pitch drop of tar at a time.
Nervousness had crept into Lee’s thoughts yesterday that he had shifted into the habit of sexual objectification to give himself the false impression he was above the petty feeling of being nervous, one of his passive-aggressive attitudes he wanted to change.
What if he had told the investors that he was nervous about his life’s fortune being managed by complete strangers and hadn’t turned to seeing one of the investors, who happened to be female, as sexually desirable at the very moment he needed to concentrate on third sigma distributions of financial risk management and Monte Carlo simulations?
What if he had told his dance partner, who complained of aching body parts, that he wanted to say he’d rub her foot if she’d rub his because his foot was really hurting but he was afraid admitting his foot hurt would sound like a weak excuse and worried, too, that the request to barter one foot rub for another due to his lack of cash fluidity would be mistaken as a sexual come-on because he couldn’t get the confusing sexual objectification out of the thoughts of the new Lee?
Self diagnosis of one’s thought patterns in the mental game of self therapy could or could not be as slow or fast as professional psychosocial therapy.
Lee was a cheapskate. His visions of life were not grand enough to include hoarding vast sums of institutional level financial security. He knew he had to depend on someone else’s financial expertise to keep him out of debtor’s prison but it didn’t mean he had to like the idea or be able to sleep fear-free at night.
How was Lee going to deprogram his sexual objectification when he was nervous?
He finished a mug of Earl Gray tea, never quite sure if the caffeine calmed his nerves, his writing calmed his nerves or if an unknown script writer gave the actor Patrick Stewart a character named Jean-Luc Picard who moved a lot of people to drink Earl Gray tea because they really believed that they themselves discovered it tasted better than other flavours of tea, coffee or sources with “natural” stimulants.
Lee mentally apologised to the women he saw yesterday, setting in motion his newly-minted curmudgeon self to tell the next woman he saw, “Look, I’m a bit nervous. Either I can share with you what’s really going on in my thoughts right now, which are really not socially-kosher at this moment, or I can stare at your boobs and ass. It’s your choice.”
Suddenly, an image of the J.K. Rowling character named Dobby riding a wrecking ball while nude and speaking Russian passed through Lee’s thoughts.
Lee smiled, the shaking subsided but not completely gone.
History may repeat itself but Lee was going to enjoy the ride, even if it meant he was going to throw up because he was dizzied by the scenery flashing so quickly through his thoughts.
Sponsors Pay Our Bills
Glass spherical atmospherical at most fear a gull
I don’t know what it is about the objects in this room but some of them have a life of their own.
The crystal ball, which is not really crystal but a thin layer of glass, hummed when I walked into the study this morning.
A 60-Hz hum, as if some unseen creature — a gnome, fairy, elf, dwarf or gremlin? — snuck in and plugged in the crystal ball’s AC power source.
Ah, yes. The crystal ball has electronic junk in its trunk.
For centuries, the crystal ball had relied on the magnetic alignment of layers of rock deposited for millions of years onto Earth’s crust as the planet’s magnetic poles flip-flopped.
But I wanted more power.
I wanted to make the future a reality, not just some foggy image forming out of the inside of a ether-filled dome.
Sing it! “Ee-thur, eye-thur, nee-thur, neye-thur,” ether-aether, “let’s call the whole thing off”-kilter.
Anyway, the crystal ball’s powered profundity projects onto the book covers, picture frames, walls, ceiling, overhead light fixture and my eyeballs a future where we ask ourselves why income inequality has become a buzzword domestically, imagined internationally but not universally.
A spinoff of Virgin Galactic, under a new shell corporation not directly tied to Sir Richard Branson in order to avoid confusion about mission statements, offers a higher boost into suborbital space for the terminally ill, taking their money but not promising them a flight in time before they die, that gives the passengers a longer time in the weightlessness of space and then an incendiary cremation upon reentry, the painlessness of sedatives a personal option, their ashes spread into the upper atmosphere of the only planet they got to know, sparking a new travel industry nicknamed “Your Final Exit” after a book written in the 20th century.
Discovering energy conversion that has nothing to do with atomic structures opened up planetary exploration and galactic travel, completely and forever changing our image and opinions of ourselves as the center of the universe — it’s not the energy level that counts, it’s how you use the paradigm shift to reinvent the way we model our sets of states of energy in the cosmos.
Spending more time nurturing our species’ children during their formative years offset our longterm investment in the spook business that tried to compensate for the messed-up mindsets of adults turned against society, which changed the way we perceived ourselves as [un]fairly-treated cogs in the wheels of the politicoeconomic conditions we used to define our place in society, including the reformation of the public/private education system that used to depend on a mix of caring/sadistic [un]tenured teaching staff and [non]motivated students.
Mapping the new global culture on top of centuries-old subcultures was as fluid as the ocean tidal currents, tide charts predictable but local tidal basins fluctuating minute-by-minute. Protesting the advent of global branding missed the natural evolution of a species in transition from multilocal to a global set of traits. Embracing the concept of optimising profits made the antiglobal movement an effective tool in strengthening our longterm economic sustainability — every person was encouraged to realise we are individually a laboratory of new ideas, making conformity, normality and mimicry as quaint as synergistic symmetry.
The crystal ball hummed louder and louder until I realised that the wallwart was overheating. Time to get a new transformer before the house burns down!
Windbreak Shadow
They stood hand-in-hand, the same height, facing each other.
Her shoulders were broad, her hips turned to one side like a pitcher winding up, her grip strong.
He held her hand firmly but let his arm stay loose. “I promise I won’t drop you.”
She smiled. “Uh-huh.”
“But I might drop you.”
“Uh-huh.” Her smile widened. “You know, you oughta take a look around the room.”
His back to the rest of the dance floor, Lee cocked his head over his shoulder, nodding. “Yeah?”
“Can’t you see I’m the biggest woman in this room? You do know my brother played college football, don’t you?”
He shook his head. “Where is he now?”
“He’s a retired police officer. When he interviewed to become a DEA agent, they asked him how come he was so tough. He told ’em he had me as a sister, who could beat him up. I put stitches in his face.”
Lee nodded. “I don’t promise I won’t drop you. I might just try to drop you on purpose.”
“Yeah, you do that.” She squeezed his hand. “Or you can try.”
The dance instructor called out in his French accent. “Five, six, seven, eight. Sugar push…now the contra move…stop on three!”
Lee held his partner out from him. “I could drop you right now.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I might trip you, make it look like an accident.”
“A tango move that went wrong?”
“I promise I’ll pick you up. Or pretend I will.”
“Oh, don’t do that. A friend would leave me on the floor…”
“I’ll definitely do that.”
“…and laugh.”
“I’ll make sure I’ll drop you, point, laugh and walk away.”
“Ooh. You’re good.”
“What are friends for?”
The instructor called out again. “Okay, dance leaders, rotate counter-clockwise. We only have so many followers so we’ll rotate twice as faster so they can share themselves weef us.”
Lee looked at his partner. “See you later.”
She laughed. “You wish.” She squeezed his hand harder. “No. I mean you’re a really good leader.”
“Thanks.”
Group dance lessons are like speed dating. You partner up quickly as you rotate leaders or followers, establishing a relationship which is always instantly based on first impressions. However, should you speed date often, you may find yourself with the same partner again, having broken the ice or pointing the way to the icebreaker, ready to experiment a little more with or without the first impression the second time around.
Some fun is worth waiting for.
A windbreak between corn fields takes years to reach the right height but never so tall as to completely block out the sunlight or a heavy thunderstorm.
Our sets of states of energy may build up defenses but sometimes the cocoons around our personality are melted by the simplest of smiles.
Or, as they say, there’s a time and place for everything, patience has its virtue, and laughter is the best medicine.
Lee promised himself he’d let her slip the next time, catching her unawares in his arms, seeing if he could avoid the stitches her brother couldn’t.
We all love a good challenge!
Abi and I agree on dance costumes?
Abi…there’s something about her that I haven’t been able to put my finger on until this afternoon.
We stood and held hands for probably 20 minutes while talking with Traci. I haven’t held hands like that with another woman since…well, since 1978?
I mean just standing there hand-in-hand, not cuddling or thinking about what’s next.
And then it dawned on me! Abi is the same height as Robyn, my girlfriend from high school.
So it’s only natural that Abi and I should wear the same outfits I did with Robyn lo those many years ago at a Halloween party.
Abi, I’m game if you are, you sassy girl — assuming Stephane will loan me some timeshare moments with you next week, that is! I promise not to drop you on the floor, IF AND ONLY IF you let me sit on your lap.
Valley Girl
Guin and Bai stood on a small rise, waiting for Eoj to join them.
Guin hefted a small boulder in her hand.
“How far do you think I can throw this?”
Bai picked up a small rock and threw it twenty or thirty meters with no effort.
Eoj walked up behind Guin. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”
Bai nodded at Guin’s arm. “She’s got a crazy idea.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
Guin tossed the boulder in the air. “You know, I used to throw shotput, discus and javelin.”
Eoj laughed. “In this century?”
Guin smiled. “Who’s counting?”
Eoj looked at Bai. “What hasn’t this woman done?”
“I also competed at the pole vault and long relay. Very occasionally they would throw me in a short relay.”
Eoj snorted. “And here I am, sucking in my breath after running a few kilometers to catch up with you guys.”
Guin kicked small rocks out from a small circle. She made a few test turns, seeing if she still had her perfect throwing moves in her memory. “Throwing and polevaulting — there are serious ramifications if you move your body the wrong way.”
Eoj laughed again. “Bai, I think you and I ought to throw a few rocks ourselves. If we can dance as well as Guin, we can do whatever else she does just as well, right?”
Bai looked from Guin to Eoj and back. “He’s never seen you throw, has he?”
Guin shook her head. “No, but you’ve never seen him throw me in the air, either.”
Guin motioned Bai and and Eoj back a few paces.
She steadied her breathing, set her feet and took three steps, launching the boulder from her body’s core, through her shoulder and out of her hand like a hydraulic jack hammer punching the air.
The boulder’s arc was like a low altitude sounding rocket’s path, an ideal unimpeded trajectory in the thin atmosphere.
Several seconds later, a puff of Martian dust, then another and another indicated a few thousand meters away the boulder bouncing on the other side of the valley.
Guin smacked her hands together as if she was cleaning them of dust. “Not bad, if I say so myself!”
Bai looked at Eoj. “You think you can throw her that far?”
Guin snapped her head around. “Now, wait a minute!”
Eoj grabbed Guin around the waist. “Hey, it’s worth a try.” He tossed her ten meters in the air and caught her.
He set her down and they laughed together. “Ready?”
They started a slow jog, pacing themselves for a run down the valley and back around to the lab.
Eoj had the afternoon off before he had to return to the tourists and wanted to warm up with Guin and Bai before they put in some dance practice for the finale performance the last night of the tourists’ stay on the Red Planet.
Kickstarter Update #3
As promised, here’s the latest update from our Kickstarter Xceed Xpectations project tentatively named “All Sols Day.”
Today, let’s take a look at a couple of the early prototype bumper stickers the Creative Arts department crafted to get their imaginations going…
We can’t wait to get this party started. As soon as the next batch of art is ready, we’ll post it here for your perusal.
Have a peaceful sol!
Tomorrow, a tale on Mars, illustrated
While our Creative Arts department puts away its propaganda material, preparing for morning sketches, let us look at sports that don’t often see the limelight.
And here’s the image du jour…
Well, before I post it, a little background. You see, after talking with Jenn tonight, we’ve decided to change our outfits for the showcase dance. I said I was going as a punk rock Big Bird, meaning she could go as her favorite character, Oscar the Grouch:
But then…well, the craziness kicked in. She’s going to dare me to dress as a sexy Big Bird, I know it, so I better dare her to dress as a sexy Oscar the Grouch first! We’ll see who wins the “best costume” contest — me as a drag queen Big Bird or her as a hot Oscar!
Life is short — wear fur and big feet, eat dessert later!
Yeah, that was me in the 1990s
I’m jealous of the younger me!:
treetrunkdings 