The smartphone and the tablet PC tell me today is the 24th of October in the year 2012.
I’m trying to fathom what that means.
Locally, while I sit in the sunroom area of an Arby’s restaurant that used to house a Dairy Queen franchise, American country and western music plays through an overhead speaker — “You’re listening to WDRM,” a disembodied voice tells me.
Cars and trucks pass by on Highway 431. I use the open WiFi hotspot of the Lowe’s store across the highway to write/post this blog entry.
A couple of jet contrails colour white stripes on the blue sky.
A restaurant manager greets customers and picks dead leaves from the potted plants, talking to them as much as she talks to her employees like Philip and Gavin.
Politicians want my vote very soon.
Last night, my wife and I talked to a young lady, 28 years young, a former classmate of my nephew.
She faces the dilemma of whether to marry her 40-year old boyfriend, an FBI agent who likes dangerous situations and will probably rise in the ranks of management one day.
He, like many I know in law enforcement and the military, leads a very well-regimented personal life — eats the same breakfast, same snacks, same lunch, same dinner; washes clothes at the same time on the same day every week; cleans the toilet a specific way with a specific cleaning solution.
He is what I call a B&W Man — everything has its place, sharp contrasts between light and shadow.
There are no gray ambiguities.
She wonders, “Is he just looking for a baby machine, no room in his life for me except to give him children to fill what little open time he has allocated in his daily regimen for interruptions to his FBI-centred lifestyle?”
The young woman is slim, trim and fit.
She could easily model clothes for a department store catalog.
In other words, she has the looks and the personality to charm any man, if she wanted.
She is 28, though, no longer 21, 22, 23, 24…
She wants to bear and raise four children.
She has an adult life of her own and questions how much she would have to compromise her life, go against her father’s wishes to marry a stable “company” man (no, not that company, the other one), a boyfriend who has little more than a late-night, long-distance phone call relationship with her now.
Good question.
Would her marriage, her husband, be as regimented as her long-distance relationship is now, or might as well be long-distance in emotional support after their matrimonial ceremony is complete and they’re sharing the same house while achieving the same shared dream/goal of four kids?
At 28, it’s not too late to start a family.
But the biological clock is ticking.
The boyfriend asked her father for her hand in marriage and the father did not give it.
They’ve dated four years.
The boyfriend was more of a courting gentleman until he won her heart.
Now…?
She’s become part of his regimen, same breakfast/snack/lunch/dinner/girlfriend, in that order.
How long do they string this out until she says yes to him and opposes her father’s wishes?
Many of us have had long-distance relationships, absence making the heart grow fonder…for a while.
And then…?
Is the love of your life a key part of your detox after a rough spell, or a hindrance/annoyance to your recovery?
How important is your family’s blessing?
Are you willing to face the known (he’s stable but he’s not like your father) unknown (he’s stable but he’s not like your father) in order to have four children?
What kind of family life do you want your kids to have?
Do you want a husband who’s willing to fling himself into harm’s way to protect his B&W Man worldview?
If your kids’ father died during a SWAT raid, then what?
Would they have received enough of their father’s love?
What, exactly, is love?
All of us die, eventually.
If your spouse dedicates himself to his job, no matter what it is, giving more time to his kids than to his wife (his kids’ mother), is that a bad thing if your domestic life is safe and secure from harm the spouse is willing to face on their behalf?
Can this young woman see that marrying the B&W man will not end her parents’ love for her, even if it now becomes a long-distance one?
She can have her own life with kids, like many a parent does, in a strange town with new friends to make, while the other spouse works long hours and travels when duty calls.
At 28, does she want to?
Can she thrive when her beloved father, mother, siblings and childhood friends are just a phone call away?
What assurances, besides her boyfriend’s declaration of love (if not a willingness to meet her halfway (in her eyes)), will give her the strength to commit?
What is love? Love is faith that you’re making the right decision in the moment and willing to admit you made a mistake later on.
Marriage is like that, too, if you’re willing to nurture the relationship, given the obstinacy of most personalities after the vows are exchanged, putting the bigger goals ahead of the smaller squabbles, allowing each spouse the space one needs, the space that expands and contracts with the daily stresses we face inside and outside of marriage.
Some relationships, whether in the privacy of a phone call or the bedroom, are long-distance in nature.
Love is recognising the distance, respecting the boundaries and facing the consequences with open arms.
What are four children worth to you?
How about a B&W Man who keeps a pretty tight leash on his emotions protected by a thick Kevlar shell against on-the-job harm never far away?
Can your open, loving emotions accept the difference?
Bottom line: not every father is a law enforcement/military B&W Man, but you’re not marrying your father, are you?
Are you?
treetrunkdings 