The drunk guy who wore a lamp shade as a hat to a fashion show and won

There are, in the course of a river of jokes, ways to misdirect your audience so that what they think is the punch line was actually a line to the hors d’oeuvres. Or a line to the bathroom.

At my age, I have played roles that featured in bad office Christmas parties (walking in on the guy who just vomited all over the hotel lobby bathroom floor) and business training videos (hosting an international meeting on my cell phone, making sure we were all respectful of cultural nuances in conversation, while I was sitting a few feet from the family waiting for me to join them for a sumptuous Christmas dinner).

What I have discovered is that…well, what have I discovered?

First, there was little reward besides a comfortably stuffy office environment, great healthcare coverage and worldwide travel expense accounts for working in an office job. I only had to pretend to be a serious grown up for a number of years to reap my reward.

But then I got bored with the ways of the Jedi boss adult.

Ultimately, I found the whole acting job just that — a big act.

The people I met in upper management were focused on goals I did not desire, such as bigger house/car/vacation/empire/recognition/influence. Some were moving along their paths of perceived destiny in the world playground, simply finding more interesting things to talk about, looking forward rather than repeating their past mistakes and triumphs.

If all of us are acting, then I am going to act the part of the laughing hermit who wasn’t good enough to die young and goes on talking to himself here to verify his theory that all else is illusion until my babbling becomes completely incoherent and I die at an old age of natural causes, everything being natural, of course.

If you don’t work, no one can say who you work for

Yesterday, while typing a blog entry and deciding whether to post it (the one containing jokes about Boston bombings and social aftermath), a framed copy of a Marconi Wireless stock certificate and tobacco card images of Marconi himself(!) fell onto the carpeted floor of the study, the glass shattering, shards bouncing, potential splinters pointing up in bayonet charge positions.

I am not one who sees signs and signals in my everyday life.

No, I create them in my fiction, instead, knowing how much our sympathy networks naturally tend to use random events as silent/subliminal signals from our companions and readers thus need not suspend their disbelief for long when encountering a character who would see a fallen picture frame and interpret the “pick up sticks” pile of silicon slivers in a symbolic manner.

The I Ching of clear bling, in other words.

Molten sand as messages from the gods.

We like continuity.

We want to believe that something is good or bad for us on an as-needed basis.

And I, dear readers, want to give you what you want.

Snakes in the grass, the devil in hell, drunk drivers and deadly sunburns.

Guardian angels, smart detectives, good Samaritans and healthy sunscreen.

Throw them in the clothes washer, set it on “extra tumble” and show you the results in a story about the universe you think you live in.

In a dream last night, a man wearing worn clothing, a man who looked like he had worked outdoors all of his life, probably on a farm, sat next to my father while our family sat down for dinner.

As I gave the pre-meal prayer, the man started crying.

He turned to my father and said that his family, the Dukes, had been good, law-abiding citizens, the men all members of the Masons, attending and caring for the Masonic Lodge on a regular basis, yet when his father and uncle recently died, no one, especially the Masons, showed up for the funerals.

My father inquired about how the Dukes had let others outside their family know about the deaths.

The man said they didn’t, they expected God to tell the community about their suffering and their needs for love from the community.

My father fell into silence and looked at me.

I had stopped praying, having faltered on a phrase I can not remember.

I started praying again, asking the Almighty to let the man know that the Dukes were asked to suffer during recent funerals so that the man would be at this meal with us at this particular time, so he could the people next door who had come to see the arrival of a newly-adopted baby by my parents’ next-door neighbours.

We turned and looked out the window to see people of all shapes and sizes, nationalities and beliefs crowd onto a carport to gain entry to the house next-door.

The man continued crying.  He just could not see why it had to be his family to suffer in silence.

I woke up in the dream state, my eyes open, seeing the silhouetted trees outside the sunroom where I had fallen asleep on the sofa earlier in the evening, yet also still in the dining room with my family and the man, watching the people next door slowly entering the house in single file.

As the dream continued, I asked myself what I expected from the dream.  What were my dreamlike/subconscious thoughts trying to accomplish, assimilating symbols, strengthening neuronic connections, by having this dream?

I stopped praying.  We let go of each other’s hands.  My father nodded at me and continued to console the crying man, quietly talking to him about the wonderful life that the Dukes had in order to be able to share the luxury of a family-only funeral, a luxury which the community had not been given nor would ever have.

I fully woke up.

I rolled from my side and onto my back, wrapping the heated blanket a little closer around my body.

I rolled back onto my right side, a pile of boxes atop a sofa table blocking light from the neighbour’s driveway lamps.

The dream itself was what it was, a subconscious reminder that the one-year anniversary of my father’s death is approaching, following on the heels of my birthday.

I lay on the sofa, unwilling to get up and write down the dream, wanting to see what my emotional state at that moment felt like.

A little bit of sadness remained.  Yes, I missed my father’s ability to work openly with community leaders to ferret out the misfits and reorient them toward positive community service before they became law-breaking criminals.

I also knew that Dad could not help everyone, despite his best efforts, because some people’s personalities are well-formed and cocooned from outside influence due to their upbringing, their beliefs as strongly set in black-and-white/good-and-evil stone as my father’s.

As my father knew, I had developed a personality different than his.

Perhaps because Nixon was my favorite U.S. President, a man known as Tricky Dicky, who, like me, used the available material to accomplish his goals, regardless of the material’s origin.

“Judge not lest you be judged” can also mean the same thing.

It’s not my place to condemn someone to hell.  I want to use everyone for my one-and-only purpose — establish viable colonies of Earth-based lifeforms off this planet.

Meanwhile, the rest of us live and die for my entertainment, providing fodder for stories that you interpret as meaningful messages about life itself.

I am my own reader as well as a writer.

I write for myself first, planting clues in this and previous blog entries about what I want to write later.

Unlike the man in my dream, my wife and I would be happy if no one showed up at my funeral.  We are private people who enjoy meeting others when we eat out, go to dance lessons, etc., but are just as happy to sit at home by ourselves with our own hobbies to occupy us.

Are we any different than you, dear reader?

Strange Daze

Today, I let my eyes wander over to websites I rarely find interesting only to find them interesting, including this “poster” at rare.us:

salon-white-as-virgin-snow-1

Which pushed my thoughts on to other mass media outlets and their statistical anomalies, including the Saturday Night Live “Five Timers Club“:

SNL-Five-timers-club

Is there a pattern here worth analysing or simply pointing out and laughing toward?

If George W. Bush’s image can be rehabilitated, then anything is possible, n’est pas?

Ancient roadbeds

A colleague once observed, “Never put a clown with nothing to lose and nothing to gain in charge of the planet.  Society will quickly descend into comedic chaos.”

Speaking of which, a friend on Facebook said, “Did you hear one of the Boston bombing victims was five feet away from the bomb?  One of them was hers.  That’s why we should convert to metric.”

Another said, “The Boston bombing is just more proof that the combination of rap music and government welfare is a ‘gateway drug’ to violence.”

And another, “When Grandma pulls out her pressure cooker to make jam this fall, I’m gonna say, ‘Grandma, your jam is the bomb,’ just to see her reaction.”

Yet more, “Mercedes-Benz — Proud to present two high-lights.  One: made for police-hating, gang-raping rap stars.  Two: great protection for terrorists on the run.”

= = = = =

Whew!  These jokes and comments always follow major news headlines.

= = = = =

Now, back to serious pursuit of planetary exploration and settlement, where we decide whether to take seriously North Korea’s threat to launch missiles; the claim that Syria has used chemical weapons; the assertion that U.S. states will use Dept of Homeland Security funds to target abortion clinics and “morning after” pill providers as domestic terrorists; and if anyone cares about government abuses in Africa.

God has a sense of humour

Subtitled: welcome to the department of misdisuninformation.

Just as U060945PC walked into the lobby, it sensed what it had been programmed to interpret as danger.

WARNING! WARNING!

The building alarm automatically alerted the occupants upon receiving a signal from U060945PC.

[we apologise for interrupting this important blog entry to bring you the following announcement]

Brmedotvneae edggmewswwwsvkrme

Sorry, our Scandanavian translator has malfunctioned. Please return to your normal duties. In the meantime, we will attempt to stop the planet’s current mode of playing tricks on one of its most disruptive species.