The U.S. president stood at the podium and looked at the camera.
“Earlier today I authorised a large-scale mobilisation of our naval and air forces to converge on Syria.
“I have not made this decision lightly. In fact, I consulted with historians as well as your elected representatives on both sides of the aisle.
“Based on the advice I graciously received, I instructed our armed forces to take the following action.
“One, we have a brotherly and sisterly love for the Syrian people. Our first order of business is to flood the cities and neighbourhoods of Syria with leaflets warning of our plans we are declaring in full disclosure to every country that wants to interfere with our humanitarian mission to prevent more senseless bloodshed, offering a peaceful solution backed by our military might to restore order.
“Two, a massive airlift is now underway. We will soon drop air cargo loads filled with blocks of pure, nutritious American cheese from our country’s heartland to feed the Syrian people in dire need of real food.
“Three, to address the rumours of starvation driven by despair and depression and to prevent any chance of malaria or other tropical disease, we will spray the people of Syria and their beloved geography with a special formulated mix of pest-deterring organic cannabinoids and low-concentration psilocybin, which I have been assured by both scientific and medical experts will restore the appetites and happiness of war-weary inhabitants of the City of Jasmine and other metropolitan areas ravaged by over two years of civil war.
“Four, we will offer a trade-in program for citizens on all sides of the Syrian conflict. Every gun, tank, missile, ammunition or other weapon not authorised for the strict use of American military to protect global citizens in Syria is eligible for this program. If you turn in a weapon, we will provide you with enough food and clothing to last you a year. In addition, we will send you to a nearby training centre to provide you the trade skills and business acumen to start your own business to compete in the world economy.
“My fifth and final announcement on this important issue. We ask not only the Syrians but all the people of the Middle East to open their stores and shops to people of any race, creed, national origin, political or religious difference. If you do so, your family will prosper. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we want for ourselves and our children?
“That’s all that the United States of America is trying to do here, provide Syrians with a peaceful path toward prosperity, cementing a healthy relationship with the rest of the world. No other country can offer or is offering you such a solution.
“My administration will keep our phones and doors open for Syrians. Talk to us after you read our leaflets.
Thank you. No questions.”
The president walked off the platform and turned to his closest advisor. “Okay, now that that’s over, do you have the latest update on Tiger’s golf score?”