Finally, some real entertainment news for the U.S. election season to wake me up from the doldrums!  I knew my friends would produce stupendous headlines to keep me from nodding off into the morning bowl of oatmeal, drool running from mouth down the sides of the tablet PC scrolling international news because the tickle of my chin hairs felt like a finger swipe as I snored.

I spoke to a few sets of friends to get their take on what they’d like to see, the news behind the news…

In Republican-friendly news publications today, a documentary purported to have been recorded while Obama’s father was alive reveals that the ultimate plan of the Obama family was to work covertly with the bin Laden tribe to give Iran the capabilities to build a nuclear bomb, destroying Israel once and for all.

In Arabic-language news publications today, the Islamic leaders who, Allah be praised, believe that no man can purely be of two religions, asked their followers to prove, once and for all, whether Obama should have to demonstrate true loyalty to his professed religion, Christianity, or loyalty to the religion of his father, Islam, Allah be praised.

In science news today, a group of first graders asked President Obama to read a passage of one of his autobiographies to show where, in his youth, he was first inspired to want to put politics ahead of a promising career in science, technology, engineering or mathematics.

The construction industry today announced a new plan to work with the Obama administration to boost business, including support for several legislative acts that reduce government spending to prevent the U.S. from receiving a lowered value from a bogus rating agency by eliminating all environmental, labour and other regulations that slow construction and force businesses to give highly-inflated wages, safe working conditions and allegedly competed contracts for government construction projects but, instead, will include enough bribes…graft…off-the-book fees to fill the government’s coffers without increasing taxes or imposing the need for ethical policies and procedures.

The Society for Creative Anachronisms announced a new category called The Crusades that re-enacts the European kings’ actions to placate their people in honouring popular religious practices such as Catholicism and worship of popular political figures like Obama by staging a series of Muhammadan protests in the old Ottoman Empire, making the U.S. military and its allies perform the role of the Crusaders by defending U.S. interests in north Africa and the Holy Land.

Zionist websites today decried the mistake of electing Obama president of the United States, seeing their worst fears realised as Obama makes a ploy to solidify himself as leader of the Muslims, perhaps even declaring Islam as the only true world religion, indicated in his obvious snub of Netanyahu as a pretext to announce Iran as a nuclear power in violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty that Israel may or may not have also violated.

Apocalyptic Christians started gathering at a secret commune in preparation for the end of the world as predicted would take place when war broke out in the Middle East, dragging the major world powers into mutual destruction.

The spirit of Carl Sagan sighed today while he waited breathlessly to see if his forecast for a nuclear winter would finally come to pass.

Baseball fans, clueless about world events, placed their bets on which teams would take the final wildcard positions before the regular season ended, a few wondering if Obama had a favourite team in America’s game.

Apple fanboys the world over sliced and diced the news about the latest cookie cutter phone labeled the iPhone 5, praising and condemning the new phone’s hardware specs at the same time that news about political uprisings and Obama’s responses/rebuttals scrolled by on their screens during Internet throughput tests.

Film producers announced the formation of a corporation to start preproduction on a movie titled “Trading Places 2,” where Eddie Murphy, now a retired multimillionaire, is conned into trading places with an out-of-work scientist who has a Nobel Prize in Physics, which the producers hope will inspire the next generation of kids to forgo a career in business for a STEM career much like the original “Trading Places” inspired kids to trade a life of street crime for a life of Wall Street crime, leading to the Great Depression by logical extension.