The mysterious case of the missing math coprocessor

Living in a vacuum is a a curious phenomenon.

Words and phrases, a common means of communication between beings, feels foreign, disjointed, like stepping off a moving sidewalk with every step.

Yet, one cannot help oneself.

One must live, take nourishment from one’s surroundings.

One participates in odd rituals.  The neighbour down the street feeds the wild raccoons, mice, rats, rabbits, birds and insects.  One finds oneself killing them as they pass across one’s patch of planetary surface.

Not all of them.  The birds get by unscathed.  So do many of the insects.

But the mice, rats, and raccoons are fair game, their meat a little gamey.

One must live, collecting labour/investment credits for participation in the local barter system knows as the economy.

Thus, one decides to create a Kickstarter account, selling genuine Alabama-based wildlife meat as a means to stop burning down Brazilian rain forests for cow meat, adding certificates of authenticity “Killed in Alabama” with each sale, throwing in extras at higher donation points — a photo book documenting places where the wildlife called home before meeting an untimely end; a sticker stating “Rats taste better from Alabama” or “Mice — eat a heart of Dixie to save the rain forest”; and an ultimate offer for a free tour of local wildlife hangouts, trails and traps, with tips on catching critters and a chance to appear in the straight-to-YouTube series, “If it ain’t meat from Bama, it ain’t worth eatin’.”

One chooses one’s life path without using a compass, moral or magnetic.

Can one vacuum in a vacuum?

Hellohellohellolololo

Boy, am I glad I found those disgruntled scientists in the subbabasement!

They announced another breakthrough overnight.

For the past few days, they have been struggling with the new supercomputer, trying to coax intuition out from the “subconscious” algorithm thought patterns within it.

They found positive results once again.

The echo effect.

By using WiFi, Bluetooth, and other radio frequencies available with the mobile phone chipsets and peripherals of the supercomputer, the scientists were able to create feedback loops for the various parts of the supercomputer, allowing it to randomly send repeating facts into a decaying pattern from which algorithms would pick out two or more facts and combine them, sending the combo back into the feedback loops, letting them decay, etc. Eventually, an algorithm would test a combined set of facts by posting the facts as a statement in online chats associated with a keyword of the fact set. If enough comments were generated by people reading the supercomputer’s post, it labeled the fact set valid, stored it in longterm memory, and looped segments of the chat log through its feedback system, putting in delays to slow down the decay rate based on “like” data or other information gathered from social media about the fact set.

The supercomputer also spends long amounts of time generating long lists of facts, storing them in its longterm memory as equations and processing external requests from the scientists using its new equations rather than ones created by the scientists.

Based on the scientists’ feedback, the supercomputer modifies its equations and randomly pulls facts from its radio frequency network decaying feedback loops to throw at the scientists in new responses.

Some responses are as funny as the best comedian’s riff on news headlines.

More results to follow…

Cranked

Our historians here on Mars are holding one of their famous two-second debates.

Today’s question: what triggered the catastrophic climate change on Earth.

Well, folks, the historians have reached a consensus.

The answer?

Based on limited information gleaned from the Earth-based datasets that have not corrupted with age, the experts believe an invention called the automatic window control switch for motor vehicles was the official tipping point.

We’re not sure what that means but we just report the findings, not interpret them.

My life forever changed…

I was a typical teenager in high school, discovering life with fellow students, when a new teacher appeared, both my homeroom teacher and English composition/drama class teacher.

She had the hots for me but I was just smart, naive and ignorant enough to avoid her advances.

However, she finally bedded a student younger than me, got pregnant, married the student and lives with him in Tampa where he is a television news anchor.

Her advances confused my sense of propriety and teacher/student roles we assign each other for conveniences of social engagement.

Certainly, intimate relationships don’t always obey the decorum of staying within your age bracket.

But, as a writer, the possibilities of what goes through the thoughts of those involved are entertaining.

For example, switch genders and ask yourself if the sociopathic mindset is any more or less intriguing of one such as Hannibal the Cannibal when female: Tampa, the novel.

Recap

The young man, aged 23, sat on a log by the campfire, his left arm wrapped around the back of the 36-year old woman beside him, his right hand held close to her stomach under a wool coat, her fingers intertwined with his.

He felt a sense of déjà vu.  How often had he been here before, repeating this same steps, the same words, the same outcome?

She looked up at him, her chapped lips curled outward, her deep brown eyes focused only on him.

“I cannot believe I’m here with you, alone.  I’m practically throwing myself at you, cuddled up to you as close as I can get, shivering, when, if you weren’t such a gentleman, we could…”

His memories of what his father taught him in a situation like this replayed over and over — never take advantage of a drunk woman… unless… — but he couldn’t remember the last part.

“Unless” what?

He was almost twice as old as he was when he earned his Eagle Scout Award at 13.  At 23, he was, for all intents and purposes, still a virgin.

She was a married woman with kids, a supportive if somewhat misogynistic husband, 250-lbs heavy, 6 ft, 8 in tall, and constantly demonstrating that as husband and head of household, he owned his own construction company, able to toss 100-lb bags of dry concrete like a 5-lb sleeping bag.

Speaking of sleeping bags…

Sleeping bags weren’t that far away.  The young man leaned in and looked more closely at her eyes in the dim light, his thoughts spinning with the cold air in the fireside party that had lasted from dusk until this wee hour of the morning, and brushed his lips over one of her eyebrows.

She kissed his Adam’s apple, giggling at the sensation of his day-old beard tickling her lips.

Out of nowhere, an image flashed into his thoughts, an article called “Breeding Minnows” by Dr. Robert J. Goldstein:

Most minnows do well in single-species groups in 20-gallon tanks with canister or trickling filtration, water changes, powerheads for current, a pebble substrate with rocks.  They do well on a diet of flakes, bloodworms, brine shrimp, white worms, grindal worms, blackworms, and/or Daphnia.  Most cannot tolerate heat, and some require a chiller.

He heard the babbling water of a creek that flowed in a J-shape around the campsite.  He thought about the aquariums at home, who was feeding his fish while he was gone for the weekend.  Had he forgotten to set the timed feeders?

She whispered in his ear, “I am getting really cold.  And I’m not as drunk as you think I am.  It’s probably just the altitude and lack of food.”

He realised he had turned his head away from her to look for the creek in the dark.

He returned to her intoxicating eyes.

Their lips touched.

Neither moved.

She held his gaze, as if waiting for him to make the next move.

A professor they both admired had brought them here to this moment, a philosophy teacher who was instructing her in a History of Philosophy class this term and had taught him in a Logics class the previous school term.

The philosophy professor was passed out in a tent nearby, separated from the fire by another tent, empty, unused, quiet, warmed somewhat by the fire.

He pressed his lips more tightly against hers but he didn’t kiss her.

Instead, their eyes made love to each other, exploring the pupils and irises, noticing the tiny creases at the edge of eyelids, the leftover mascara, the bloodshot veins, writing history like a magician conjuring a lovebird out of thin air only to disappear just as quickly in a puff of white smoke, unwritten yet remembered forever by the audience.

Out of habit, she licked her chapped lips, passing her rough tongue across his dry but unchapped lips.

They both smiled and pulled apart, tickled simultaneously, breaking the bond they played with, testing the future without thinking about consequences.

Another thought passed through him: “Has anyone ever written a parody of The Charge of the Light Brigade, substituting the terrorist group called the Red Brigade for the main ‘character’ of the poem?”

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Alfred, Lord Tennyson


1.

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
“Charge for the guns!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

2.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldier knew
Someone had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

3.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

4.

Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turn’d in air,
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

5.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

6.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred.

Copied from Poems of Alfred Tennyson,
J. E. Tilton and Company, Boston, 1870

And what, or who, determined the definition of a terrorist group?  If, as his philosophy teacher had oft repeated, human labeling systems are meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe, what divided a terrorist group from a government that used threats such as random tax audits and accidental home raids to keep its people in line?

She pressed her lips back against his, mumbling, “Sorry, but I’m cold.”

They slipped off the log and broke out into nervous laughter, instantly shushing themselves like giddy children.

He helped her stand up.

She squeezed him as tight as she could.  He hugged her back.

Her whole body shuddered.  “If this is it, then I think we better find a tent.  If this isn’t it, I think we better find a tent.  Either way, I’m cold!!”

He nodded, leaned down and pressed a cold ear against hers.

“That feels good.”

He nodded.

“What are we waiting for?”

He let go of her and looked at the fire.  A few embers glowed orange and red.  “Well, I better put out the fire.”

“What fire?”

His heightened senses made the few embers look like a giant furnace.  He picked up a water bottle and slowly emptied its contents over the embers, watching each one sizzle and turn to grayish-black.  With the last ember extinguished, he kicked the ashes around, feeling the leftover heat through his leather boots but seeing no glow or flame.

He put his arm around her and led her to the empty tent.

There were times when his father’s advice was not available for reference, unable to answer the questions that arose in moments his father had never experienced or at least never described to his son.

In that moment, the son was creating a memory that would last a lifetime, shared by two.

The snoring chorus of their fellow campers sang to them from the other tent, a serenade that doesn’t play well in romance novels or Hallmark Channel movie soundtracks.

Perhaps, instead, a rom-com or an avant-garde film filled with arbitrary flashbacks.

To try breeding [minnows] in an aquarium, separate the sexes, and feed them live foods while keeping them cool and on an 8 to 10 hour light cycle for a month.  Then place them together in a larger tank with large gravel or pebbles.  Raise the temperature 5 degrees, and increase the light cycle to 12 to 16 hours.  Spawning starts in a few days with flashing undulations by the males, fin erection, operculum flaring, and color intensification.  Non-adhesive eggs are scattered above the gravel or in thick bushy plants.  After spawning, remove the adults.  The eggs hatch within five days, and the fry need rotifers, ciliates, or other infusoria as a first food.

The divorce diet

Bai looked at her figure in the mirror.

Little more than a size four, close to a size six.

Watching herself and her partner on video from a recent dance competition had shown her that she was not the skinny ballerina figure she used to be.

Time’ll do that to you.

That, and alcohol to a diabetic’s disposition.

She breathed.  She needed water, part of her purification cleansing diet, much like the nutritional input to which she resorted during her divorce.

Her so-called divorce diet.

She wanted to go back to per post-divorce size two, or a size one in clothing store labeled terms.

More importantly, she wanted to be a great dance partner again, spinning on point effortlessly, turning faster than anyone else on the floor, the perfect follower for the perfect leader.

She was no engineer but she understood inertia better than most scientists — it doesn’t take a formula to show you that you don’t move at the same speed as you did in 1998, or even 2008, when you went from a complete stop to 120 BPM in a second, not two.

With her new job as a night club DJ, she could cue up four or five songs and dance with the club patrons as part of her exercise regime.

As a dancing instructor, she just wasn’t burning calories as fast as she’d like.

Soon, she’d be showing off her slimmer figure at Swing Fling in Washington, D.C.

After that, who knew?  Maybe River City Swing in Jacksonville, Meet Me in St. Louis Swing Dance Championships or Boogie by the Bay in San Francisco.

She had goals, not all of them dance.  Sure, she’d like to travel overseas for dance competitions, buy a sewing machine and turn all of her students into top competitors, but there was more.

Much more.

Lose a boyfriend, gain a girlfriend who was her best friend, then her boyfriend’s former girlfriend.

She had options.  Choices.  Her secret to life was her happiness and youthful exuberance.

Her life was often tiring but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

She returned to the mirror and practiced a new move.

She had been taught by the best and expected nothing less from herself.

Practice, practice, practice!

Wally Gee Willacres

Sometimes I forget the simple phrase like “a member of Congress who threatens sanctions will now be designated an official international economic terrorist and subject to prosecution to the full extent of the law” is more than the sum of the numerology values of its words.

I forget a lot of things.

I forgot that I left a bunch of scientists stranded in a subsubsubbasement corridor during reconstruction and then got their last laugh by posting a satirical blog entry called “My selfie.”

And here I thought I was hacked.  Hacked off is more like it.

They also got their next-to-last laugh by rigging a Leap Motion device in front of my neglected Robosapien, connecting its movements to the RS Media mechs in the streets of your town such that, sometime in the next few days, there will be a worldwide flash mob dance performed by what you always ignored as homeless alcoholic beggars.

The scientists promise complete chaos as it will appear they have hacked the minds of ordinary citizens, turning regular people into dance-happy zombies.

I mean, what’s next?  An uncontrollable orgy covering every home, school, office, hospital and farm?

If humans can be overtly convinced that they’re under the influence of hidden forces, dancing to the beat of invisible choreographers as seen on global TV/Internet channels…well, what’s to stop them from thinking about the subtle, subliminal, subversive influences that control their lives?

Remind me never to lose track of my scientists again.

The head of an ISP I recently talked with said she is thinking about running a background check on all her customers.  Instead of turning over email and account information to the government, she plans to delete the accounts of customers who work for the government, turning the power back over to the people.

I wished her luck.  “Live Free or Die” is a great motto but so is “United We Stand, Divided We Fall.”

Others worth considering:

Thanks to Abi at Madison Ballroom; Harold at KCDC; the head cowboy and his cowpokes (congrats to the one whose wife just had a 6-lb baby girl named Chloe) at Chuck Wagon BBQ.