Death missed me last night…

Death missed me last night.
I should laugh or cry?
Matters not.
I love everyone equally,
Desire them,
Wish to devour them,
Eat every drop of sweat,
Regardless of skin category,
Regardless of thought set pattern embodiment.

As far as I’m concerned,
If you can’t say “fuck” on network television
Then the illusion of subcultural restraint
Is no more reassuring than the government spying
That our local/national cultures condone.

Thank goodness for random acts of violence.

Thank goodness that my thoughts are in contradiction…

My thoughts say that I am omnisexual,
Yet my actions say I am celibate and live in a monogamous relationship.

I take interest in local subcultures in order to show interest in individuals
With whom I cannot express directly to them my thoughts for them
That contradict the legal obligations I made in front of a crowd of friends and family years ago.

I live in this luxury of contradictory thought patterns,
Unable to care about starving kids anywhere,
Regardless of “income inequality” that is a substitute phrase for saying people are unable to form their own local economies
(i.e., lack initiative to create money out of thin air which buys the necessities of life and more).

I lack sympathy for [pick your favourite ailment] survivors.
What did you survive?
What do you say you survived for?
Not for me, you didn’t.
One less survivor means more for the rest of us!

There is nothing I can give anyone that I haven’t already tried once and failed to get my point across,
Or succeeded in proving I am a total fuckup.

Yes, I am part of a financially-successful family living in a suburban-based rotting hull of a house,
Waiting to die.

I say I want certain things, certain people to hold, certain phrases to say, places to see,
But then I do what I say and I am still left at the end of the day with me as I am,
New experiences notched on my old, stained leather belt falling apart.

Fuck this world.
It doesn’t matter anymore.

Let me figure out how to backup this blog to my local hard drive,
Erase the online contents,
Delete the website,
And slip into oblivion from whence I came,
Just as I did with myself on a popular social media site.

We humans have such a tiny view of existence,
Measuring life in revolutions around our local star, the Sun,
Thinking that adding words like millions and billions somehow gives us added [in]significance.

No matter.
No matter what.

Death missed me last night…
Again!

I laugh because I cried for no reason,
The reason being the death of a ten-year young girl,
And I’m still here for no reason that a subculture couldn’t quickly twist into eternal purposes to sustain itself.

“No” and “not” and double-negatives,
Double-entendres and doublespeak.

Matters not.

I believed I loved two women at once,
More than once,
This time the pain is just as great,
The sorrow greater,
The distance closer yet farther away in age.

How much more, how much longer, can I survive myself?

I want to start a new charity,
It’s called “I’m a self survivor and I’m in remission, if not remiss.”

Time for another vacation from myself.

Time to start a paper “blog” and say goodbye to cultural affirmation of paranoid government spying,
Say goodbye to texting,
Say goodbye to social media updates;
Say hello to a new self that sits in public and meditates upon the meaningless mystery of dark matter,
Get power from dark energy,
Disregard the need for pop culture references to tie myself to the artificial construct of zeitgeist time.

Scratching post

So, should I go over to the visual programming side and use S4A, the visual method of programming the Arduino microcontroller?

I guess what I’m saying is wouldn’t be cool if people walking by our house could scan a QR code which took them to a place where they could either download an app and control the yard art sculpture via preprogrammed buttons or have the ability to program the yard art sculpture using visual tools?

Call that last paragraph Yard Art Sculpture 2.0.

 

For now, simply getting the first version programmed and built is a much bigger challenge!

Yard Art Sculpture Update

So, as I muddle through the design in my thoughts, I figure that the yard art sculpture needs both physical animation — moving an appendage of some sort with a thingamabob called a servo — and virtual animation — moving “eyes” and “eyebrows” with LED matrix/matrices.

The brain of the sculpture is an Arduino microcontroller.

I don’t have my cameraphone handy (too lazy to walk 100 feet to the other end of the house to get it) so suffice it to say I’ve combined two circuits, this one with eight LEDs:

CIRC02-3dexploded-445

and this one with a servo:

CIRC04-3dexploded-445

Right now, the servo rotates counterclockwise/clockwise and then the LEDs light from middle pair to outer pair and back, essentially as if the sculpture blinked its eyes and then waved an appendage.

Here’s the Arduino code I used (contains all example code for switching the “eyes” and “eyebrows” later on):

/*     ---------------------------------------------------------
 *     |  Arduino Experimentation Kit Example Code             |
 *     |  CIRC-02 .: 8 LED Fun      :. (Multiple LEDs)         |
 *     |  CIRC-04 .: A Single servo :. revolving servo         |
 *     ---------------------------------------------------------
 *  Combining two sample code sets
 *  Number One:
 *  A few Simple LED animations
 *
 * For more information on this circuit, go to http://tinyurl.com/d2hrud
 *
 */

// Number Two: Sweep
// by BARRAGAN  
// For more information on this circuit, go to http://www.oomlout.com/oom.php/products/ardx/circ-04

#include  

Servo myservo;  // create servo object to control a servo 
                // a maximum of eight servo objects can be created 

int pos = 0;    // variable to store the servo position 

//LED Pin Variables
int ledPins[] = {2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}; //An array to hold the pin each LED is connected to
                                   //i.e. LED #0 is connected to pin 2, LED #1, 3 and so on
                                   //to address an array use ledPins[0] this would equal 2
                                   //and ledPins[7] would equal 9

/*
 * setup() - this function runs once when you turn your Arduino on
 * We the three control pins to outputs
 */
void setup()
{
  myservo.attach(10);  // attaches the servo on pin 10 to the servo object

  //Set each pin connected to an LED to output mode (pulling high (on) or low (off)
  for(int i = 0; i < 8; i++){         //this is a loop and will repeat eight times
      pinMode(ledPins[i],OUTPUT); //we use this to set each LED pin to output
  }                                   //the code this replaces is below

  /* (commented code will not run)
   * these are the lines replaced by the for loop above they do exactly the
   * same thing the one above just uses less typing
  pinMode(ledPins[0],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[1],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[2],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[3],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[4],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[5],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[6],OUTPUT);
  pinMode(ledPins[7],OUTPUT);
  (end of commented code)*/
}

/*
 * loop() - this function will start after setup finishes and then repeat
 * we call a function called oneAfterAnother(). if you would like a different behaviour
 * uncomment (delete the two slashes) one of the other lines
 */
void loop()                     // run over and over again
{
  //oneAfterAnotherNoLoop();   //this will turn on each LED one by one then turn each off
  //oneAfterAnotherLoop();   //does the same as oneAfterAnotherNoLoop but with 
                             //much less typing
  //oneOnAtATime();          //this will turn one LED on then turn the next one
                             //on turning the 
                             //former off (one LED will look like it is scrolling 
                             //along the line
  inAndOut();              //lights the two middle LEDs then moves them out then back 
                             //in again
}

/*
 * oneAfterAnotherNoLoop() - Will light one LED then delay for delayTime then light
 * the next LED until all LEDs are on it will then turn them off one after another
 *
 * this does it without using a loop which makes for a lot of typing. 
 * oneOnAtATimeLoop() does exactly the same thing with less typing
 */
void oneAfterAnotherNoLoop(){
  int delayTime = 100; //the time (in milliseconds) to pause between LEDs
                       //make smaller for quicker switching and larger for slower
  digitalWrite(ledPins[0], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #0 (connected to pin 2 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[1], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #1 (connected to pin 3 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[2], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #2 (connected to pin 4 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[3], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #3 (connected to pin 5 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[4], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #4 (connected to pin 6 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[5], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #5 (connected to pin 7 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[6], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #6 (connected to pin 8 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[7], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #7 (connected to pin 9 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds  

//Turns Each LED Off
  digitalWrite(ledPins[7], LOW);  //Turns on LED #0 (connected to pin 2 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[6], LOW);  //Turns on LED #1 (connected to pin 3 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[5], LOW);  //Turns on LED #2 (connected to pin 4 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[4], LOW);  //Turns on LED #3 (connected to pin 5 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[3], LOW);  //Turns on LED #4 (connected to pin 6 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[2], LOW);  //Turns on LED #5 (connected to pin 7 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[1], LOW);  //Turns on LED #6 (connected to pin 8 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds
  digitalWrite(ledPins[0], LOW);  //Turns on LED #7 (connected to pin 9 )
  delay(delayTime);                //waits delayTime milliseconds  
}

/*
 * oneAfterAnotherLoop() - Will light one LED then delay for delayTime then light
 * the next LED until all LEDs are on it will then turn them off one after another
 *
 * this does it using a loop which makes for a lot less typing. 
 * than oneOnAtATimeNoLoop() does exactly the same thing with less typing
 */
void oneAfterAnotherLoop(){
  int delayTime = 100; //the time (in milliseconds) to pause between LEDs
                       //make smaller for quicker switching and larger for slower

//Turn Each LED on one after another
  for(int i = 0; i <= 7; i++){
    digitalWrite(ledPins[i], HIGH);  //Turns on LED #i each time this runs i
    delay(delayTime);                //gets one added to it so this will repeat 
  }                                  //8 times the first time i will = 0 the final
                                     //time i will equal 7;

//Turn Each LED off one after another
  for(int i = 7; i >= 0; i--){  //same as above but rather than starting at 0 and counting up
                                //we start at seven and count down
    digitalWrite(ledPins[i], LOW);  //Turns off LED #i each time this runs i
    delay(delayTime);                //gets one subtracted from it so this will repeat 
  }                                  //8 times the first time i will = 7 the final
                                     //time it will equal 0

}

/*
 * oneOnAtATime() - Will light one LED then the next turning off all the others
 */
void oneOnAtATime(){
  int delayTime = 100; //the time (in milliseconds) to pause between LEDs
                       //make smaller for quicker switching and larger for slower

  for(int i = 0; i <= 7; i++){
    int offLED = i - 1;  //Calculate which LED was turned on last time through
    if(i == 0) {         //for i = 1 to 7 this is i minus 1 (i.e. if i = 2 we will
      offLED = 7;        //turn on LED 2 and off LED 1)
    }                    //however if i = 0 we don't want to turn of led -1 (doesn't exist)
                         //instead we turn off LED 7, (looping around)
    digitalWrite(ledPins[i], HIGH);     //turn on LED #i
    digitalWrite(ledPins[offLED], LOW); //turn off the LED we turned on last time
    delay(delayTime);
  }
}

/*
 * inAndOut() - This will turn on the two middle LEDs then the next two out
 * making an in and out look
 */
void inAndOut(){
  int delayTime = 100; //the time (in milliseconds) to pause between LEDs
                       //make smaller for quicker switching and larger for slower

  //runs the LEDs out from the middle
  for(int i = 0; i <= 3; i++){
    int offLED = i - 1;  //Calculate which LED was turned on last time through
    if(i == 0) {         //for i = 1 to 7 this is i minus 1 (i.e. if i = 2 we will
      offLED = 3;        //turn on LED 2 and off LED 1)
    }                    //however if i = 0 we don't want to turn of led -1 (doesn't exist)
                         //instead we turn off LED 7, (looping around)
    int onLED1 = 3 - i;       //this is the first LED to go on ie. LED #3 when i = 0 and LED 
                             //#0 when i = 3 
    int onLED2 = 4 + i;       //this is the first LED to go on ie. LED #4 when i = 0 and LED 
                             //#7 when i = 3 
    int offLED1 = 3 - offLED; //turns off the LED we turned on last time
    int offLED2 = 4 + offLED; //turns off the LED we turned on last time

    digitalWrite(ledPins[onLED1], HIGH);
    digitalWrite(ledPins[onLED2], HIGH);    
    digitalWrite(ledPins[offLED1], LOW);    
    digitalWrite(ledPins[offLED2], LOW);        
    delay(delayTime);
  }

  //runs the LEDs into the middle
  for(int i = 3; i >= 0; i--){
    int offLED = i + 1;  //Calculate which LED was turned on last time through
    if(i == 3) {         //for i = 1 to 7 this is i minus 1 (i.e. if i = 2 we will
      offLED = 0;        //turn on LED 2 and off LED 1)
    }                    //however if i = 0 we don't want to turn of led -1 (doesn't exist)
                         //instead we turn off LED 7, (looping around)
    int onLED1 = 3 - i;       //this is the first LED to go on ie. LED #3 when i = 0 and LED 
                             //#0 when i = 3 
    int onLED2 = 4 + i;       //this is the first LED to go on ie. LED #4 when i = 0 and LED 
                             //#7 when i = 3 
    int offLED1 = 3 - offLED; //turns off the LED we turned on last time
    int offLED2 = 4 + offLED; //turns off the LED we turned on last time

    digitalWrite(ledPins[onLED1], HIGH);
    digitalWrite(ledPins[onLED2], HIGH);    
    digitalWrite(ledPins[offLED1], LOW);    
    digitalWrite(ledPins[offLED2], LOW);        
    delay(delayTime);
  }
  for(pos = 0; pos < 180; pos += 1)  // goes from 0 degrees to 180 degrees 
  {                                  // in steps of 1 degree 
    myservo.write(pos);              // tell servo to go to position in variable 'pos' 
    delay(15);                       // waits 15ms for the servo to reach the position 
  } 
  for(pos = 180; pos>=1; pos-=1)     // goes from 180 degrees to 0 degrees 
  {                                
    myservo.write(pos);              // tell servo to go to position in variable 'pos' 
    delay(15);                       // waits 15ms for the servo to reach the position 
  }
}

 

Sailing away

Today, the Solar Sailplane Sailor Solicitors announced their plans for a new way to experience flight.

A helium balloon will quickly raise you and 15 of your closest mates to heights rarely attained, save by Red Bull Stratos daredevils, and then, as the balloon bursts, you will begin an around-[most part of]the-world flight in a solar-powered plane designed to gently carry you through stratospheric atmospheric conditions, landing you hundreds if not thousands of kilometers from your launch location.

Lunch will be served during the flight but water closet facilities will not be provided.  Please be prepared to account for this inconsistent discrepancy in travel comfort.

For those willing to spend a little less money but take on greater risk, we’re offering a one-time deal for you to participate in test flights, your return to Earth guaranteed but your bodily condition not.

Hurry!  Seating is limited!

NOTE: Due to the inherent danger involved, travel insurance is unavailable.  We highly recommend planning funeral arrangements in advance.

Another uncomfortable subject for personal edification

At this point in my life, I should be more aware of who I am, shouldn’t I?

According to my father, this should be the prime time of my full participation in the social hierarchy of my local subculture, being politically active, socially responsible and philanthropic.

It’s like what a person said — it doesn’t matter how despotic, chaotic or caring you might be or have been — your great-great-great grandchildren aren’t going to know who you were in real life, just that you were around to help conceive at least one of their great-great grandparents.

So it is that I look at my thoughts and my body’s rhythms, sensing the guilt-ridden thoughts and the internal shaking of worry that often racks my body to its core.

I realise the years of guilt I felt when I masturbated about the female figures in my life, raising a wall between us of my guilty self-pleasuring thoughts, objectifying me and them at the same time.

[On the window screen this afternoon is a stick insect, silhouetted against the backdrop of yellowing green leaves in the tree canopy of our front yard.]

For all the joy of freedom and liberty I say and think I believe, my life has been more a prison holding back my sexual desires than it has been sexually liberating.

With a universe to explore, my earthly desires ground me and make me realise I am all too human here in the 13th year of the 21st century.

In times past I have used this blog space to explore my thoughts because I have had no close companion with whom I could talk about these subjects.

Lately, I have stopped holding back my thoughts and started sharing them with my wife, letting her know that I have feelings for other women besides her and frankly, when those feelings are sexual in nature, I no longer desire to dissatisfyingly relieve them through masturbation.

I used to be able to channel those thoughts into sexual action with my wife but that path has become less available as I’ve resigned myself to the fact my wife’s body is settling into the aches-and-pains matronly, grandmotherly shape that is not as conducive to the activities we once frequently enjoyed.

Life is what it is.  If you’re not with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

The word “love” is one of those symbols that carries us throughout the day — it should never threaten one person at the expense of another.

For me, love means helping another person — a set of states of energy that is distinguishable from mine.

The act of helping takes many forms.

The person being helped may be a key that opens a lock, may be the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle, may be the catalyst to start a snowballing action to help even more people…

My wife loves me and wants to help me.  I love her, too, and want to help her but do I only want to help her help me?  No, I’m not completely selfish — I enjoy watching her help others and encourage her to do so.

[What does a stick insect eat?  When does it eat?]

Today is one of those days when I’m not able to fall deep enough into a meditative state to contemplate my current conditions and discover within myself a new personality trait to share.

What happens when my love for my wife and my love for others conflict?  When the conflict is unresolvable because of financial priorities, then what?

Does love have a price?  What are reasonable expectations when one spouse is financially logical and the other is not?

And from these questions, how will the storylines in the other blog(s) progress?

I put off working on my yard art sculpture today to allow these questions to simmer in my thoughts.

Love is not always about sex and I’ve spent decades trying to understand the difference.

I cannot both be a meditative celibate free from sexual desire and a libertine living on the edge of chaos and anarchy.

But I am a person who can contemplate both sets of thoughts at the same time.

This is who I am today and the days to follow: I spend time freeing myself from testosterone-driven thoughts of sexual desire for women in my life who would have no reason to reciprocate those thoughts, while focusing my thoughts on projects and art/ideas that will outlive me.

I ask nothing more or less of myself.

On a side note, I have asked myself out loud several times in front of my wife, should I take her home when she’s tired and return to the dance club to have fun now that I know I can dance with other women and don’t need the false comforting confidence of alcohol which used to lower all of my inhibitions, meaning I can actually enjoy dancing and not worry about taking action I might later regret?

I used to fear growing older but now I don’t because I see that growing older means I’m growing wiser, too, which is really and truly a lot of fun!

Too many choices or not enough?

In the day and age of sports-related head concussions making the news, with more and more entertainment choices available, is it any wonder that college students only have so much patience/tolerance to stay for a whole football game when they can go back to their frats, drink, watch TV and party in ways that they can’t while inside a security-controlled environment like a modern university stadium?

I sure miss the days of storming the field after a big win and tearing down the goalposts like the years UTK beat Bama in Knoxville in 1982 and 1984.

After watching Gestapo-style display of jackbooted/helmeted security lining a field in the fourth quarter, my university-minded self of liberty-for-all certainly hasn’t desired to stay until the end of a game very much anymore.

Therefore, as university administrators are itching to generate more revenue for their sports programs, frothing at the mouth to get their money-stained hands on student seating in order to charge more money to athletic boosters and the general public, we’ll see more “outrage” officially stated in press releases like these disguised as news.

Zzzzzzz…