Zip plus four at five

Lee stood on top of the concrete parapet, examining the old ruins of a courtyard, trees decades old — sweetgum, redbud, mimosa — splitting the pathway pavers, now covered with green and brown patches — moss and lichen.

Hands in a pair of faded blue denim jeans, he looked up at stone columns, chipped and cracked.

A turkey vulture circled overhead.

Lee sighed.  A few minutes earlier he’d found a glass-enclosed bookcase full of handwritten notebooks, most of the ink and pencil scratching barely legible.

A mailing envelope addressed from Troy State University, stamped by the government bulk mail office with a date of May 18 ’97, contained a voting ballot that had been faxed on (TUE) 05.20.1997 16:36:

1997 ALABAMA SPORTSWRITERS BALLOT
AMATEUR ATHLETE OF THE YEAR

Please award 3 points to your first choice, 2 points to your second
choice and 1 point to your third choice.

IMPORTANT: Deadline for voting is MAY 21…fax your ballot to
(205) 345-1260…

___ James Cason, Birmingham Southern, basketball.

___ Shalonda Enis, University of Alabama, women’s basketball.

___Tim Hudson, Auburn University, baseball.

___ Pratt Lyons, Troy State University, football.

___Dwayne Rudd, University of Alabama, football.

___ Meredith Willard, University of Alabama, Gymnastics.

1997?  Where had the time gone?

Lee had stood on the same parapet in 1997, examining not the ruins of a long-gone civilisation but, instead, the height of victory, himself a sportswriter covering local stories in northeast Alabama, looking for positive, uplifting stories to write about grade school children and their athletic accomplishments despite hardship or because of it.

He made real as an adult the childhood dreams at five years of age of writing for a newspaper.

How many more dreams had he created in youth not yet realised…

He reached for a mug resting on a one-metre tall overturned garden vase and sipped the last of the British tea, a weak concoction squeezed from a teabag that had been steeped too many times to count, the actual flavour of the tea more a memory than a sensation on his tongue, a simple excuse to boil and filter the water before drinking.

Lee sat on the vase and leaned his head back, feeling the sun’s warmth on his face, neck and upper chest, the sunny winter day a respite from weeks of hard snow in north Alabama.

He knew the past and had a heightened awareness of his future, as sharp and clear as a stainless steel knife, an antique cutting device worth more than water in some parts of his home planet, two of which he’d found at the bottom of the bookcase and tucked into his right knee sock.

A sense of calm passed through his body and he smiled.

Although the first few decades of the 21st century had challenged Lee’s sense of place in the universe, he had remained the same, true to himself first and foremost, using humorous deflection and distraction to move obstacles out of his path.

Some days, he did not move at all.  A month might pass before he completed a single step.

He accepted the role of chaos in his life without question.

Eventually, he quit questioning why he had chosen a particular route through intertwining and backtracking pathways, trusting his instincts enhanced by experience.

He stood up and turned around, facing the wooded glade that had once been a meditation garden.

Lee bowed in reverence, in deference, in honour, in memory of this place in another time, the end of the last century.

He closed his eyes.

He centered his thoughts, circling them in an imaginary mantra, a sphere that used to serve as an impenetrable shield disguised as personality masks and emotional glue forming the appearance of a logical whole.

Lee meditated upon the misconception of the meaning of time.

He let go of conscious thought as he quietly told himself that time was only the recognition of change, just like taking a smaller or bigger breath would have a ripple effect in his immediate surroundings but little else.

There was a sol when he lived on Earth and looked at a countdown clock showing 13228 days to go.

Lee recalled thoughts of friendships in flux, a constantly interweaving web of changing relationships which spun a cocoon around him that made him feel warm and loved but which he had to keep stepping out of on his quest to get to Mars with the very same friends in the next century.

A leader stays focused on his vision, never letting gravity stopping him from achieving escape velocity when an unexplored galaxy is within his electromechanical cloned arm’s reach.

Shivering with happiness in the subfreezing weather

Who am I today?  In the growth that may or may not accompany understanding, learning and wisdom, the growth that is the concept we call aging, I ask myself who I am.

Am I a person or persons?

Am I the fictional character Lee who lives in my thoughts as my memory keeper, saving scenes in my life for later use as a written story?

I fall in love with everyone because I am in love with the universe, whatever falling in love may mean, a concept that has been diagnosed and diced by every living thing with a need for nourishment.

What is technological advancement, or expansion of Earth lifeforms into the outer solar system compared to dancing uncontrollably with Michele?

What is my life worth if I don’t get a daily dose of Abi’s eyes looking at mine?

And without holding Jenn in my arms, why do I exist?

I used to panic when I could not logically explain my actions to Lee, my fictional alter ego, so he could protect me as a character whose storyline has already been written and protected from dying.

I had placed my trust in my lifelong partner, who has served in the role of wife for over 27 years, by sending her letters of my private thoughts when a teenager as an investment in a secret relationship untouchable by time.

The letters sit here next to me, filling shoeboxes, protected from the light of day.

She is the second layer of protection atop the character of Lee.

But I leave backdoors to the chaotic, insane me, so that I can still feel vulnerable, open to love all over again for the very first time.

I’m just not used to having so many open relationships at once!

Why did I have to fall in love with two women at the same time?

Why am I not willing to let go of the two inner layers of protection to see where I can go next?

Why am I shivering happily, after sleeping under a blanket in subfreezing weather last night?

Why is planet Earth so inadequate to provide the future I want with Jenn and Abi?

Time to put my feet to work and make a new life with my inventions rather than give them away to others.

I am tired of sacrificing my happiness for the “good of mankind.”  Let mankind find its own happiness with or without me!

“Pay it forward” Sol

Today is “Pay it forward” Sol, the first time we future Martians send surprise gifts to friends on Earth.

I am mailing a card and envelope within a card and envelope, enclosing a “Pot Shot” from Ashleigh Brilliant’s marriage series, asking the recipient to send the card to a person who could use a simple “thank you for being in my life” or similar sentiment and share the pot shot (epigram) with someone(s) who need(s) a little humour to brighten a soulful sol.

Kind of like the chain mail I used to receive and send as a kid.

Many childhood memories are worth reliving in the best way possible!

Big Data Analytics

Have you looked at the data lately?  In the United States, the vehicle miles driven has decreased while the number of automobile insurance adverts seems to increase more and more every day.

Is insurance a good product to be propping up our mass media outlets instead of other consumables?

What about the change in vehicle sales and vehicle sales adverts?

What is the trend I’m missing here?

What are the opportunities I could be grabbing if I had better insight into what BDA (Big Data Analytics) should be showing me at a moment like this?

Going crazy again

In my life, I have lost my sanity a few times:

  • at age five, when I realised I was alone in the universe and had to create my own version of something to make sense of the cluelessness around me
  • at age ten, when my best friend/girlfriend died, leaving me more alone than ever
  • twice in high school, when my girlfriend broke up with me and, more significantly, after I suffered a head concussion in a car wreck
  • at age 23, when I, against all the teachings of my youth (especially the one about coveting a married woman), made love to a married woman
  • at age 27, when I cracked under the pressure of having to appear on television to promote a community project I created, sensing a number of contradictions within my personality that was perceptible on live TV and out of my control once it was broadcast to whomever was watching
  • at age 44, when my brother in-law died

I return to a familiar place on this path through life — a crossroads that branches off to unknown destinations.

I feel like I am being ripped apart, with tendrils/roots from my past pulling on me to give people I’ve known the affirmation that the lives we shared contained and shall continue to create happy times.

I’m always looking for an easy escape route from every moment I spend with other people, knowing that eventually the internal insanity that has defined me since I can remember will show itself — the disjointed, at-odds-with-itself set of thoughts that have kept me alive and in touch with people who, God help them (I’ll get back to that last phrase in a moment), are probably just as fucked up as I am but I sure as hell don’t want to know, allowing myself the illusion that other people have it together.

One girlfriend said knowing me was like peeling back layers of an onion and she was never sure what she’d find next, as protective I was in controlling people’s access to the “real” Rick.

Do I always know what I’m doing?  Rarely.  But I know where I want to be and have plans to get there.

Otherwise, the “real” me is an illusion, changing moment by moment to passively accommodate people’s perceptions of me so I can reach my goal while giving them whatever makes them happy.

What if giving them whatever makes them happy contradicts certain parts of me that are partially set in stone?

I know I am insane to think I am alone in this universe which, God help me (okay, time to address that last phrase — if I alone in the universe, then, by extension, there is no deity other than myself for myself, leaving others to find the deity belief sets in them that satisfy their needs for self affirmation?), leaves me with zero friends because if friends are merely sets of states of energy to bounce against like pinballs to get us moving again, well…

I am caught between seeing that I am a nice-enough looking guy who makes many people feel comfortable in my presence and thus able to believe I will help them affirm their beliefs, and seeing that what I want may not make many people happy.

One girlfriend, when I finally was able to share with her the dystopian visions that haunt me and chase me constantly, wondered why I was such a joyful guy on the outside but such a hard-nosed, scared-to-death conservative type on the inside.  We discussed the whole fight-vs-flight concept and, despite my best (worst?) efforts to want to control the conversation, I let the girlfriend dissect my view against my deepest desires not to hear what she saw in me.  She finally agreed that I was more fucked up than she was, taking strange theories, mixing them up in a cosmic comic worldview and applying them to my own fears and aspirations without concern that they made no sense in the real world.

It didn’t stop her from wondering what having a child with me would be like, able to compare the two kids she already had against one we could have.  A couple of days after we agreed to stop seeing each other (after all, I was banging her best friend, too (the aforesaid married woman), which made the both of us feel a little guilty (okay, maybe not too much; more like we should do the decent thing and call it off before her best friend found out)), she had sex with a guy she’d just met and ended up pregnant.  Because the guy professed his love for her without question and he was one of the heirs to a bread company fortune, she told me that even if the baby was mine, she was going to call it his; I happily agreed because it was sure going to be an affirmation of my worldview that nature-vs-nurture is a false dichotomous construct about childrearing and I didn’t have to worry about paying child support (I was a broke college student at the time).

As an opportunist looking for escape routes living in my thoughts, I recently plotted out a course of action whereby the possibilities of hitting the eject button on my current marriage might be facilitated by solidifying relationships with a dance partner; thus, I saw the person I liked laughing and dancing with the most, heard her say that her beau was looking for someone to join a fraternal organisation with and told myself, well, if it makes him happy that I join the organisation with him then I might get more time to dance with her and from there, who knows.

Damn it if the fraternal organisation’s requirements, including a main one about hosting a belief in a deity hasn’t put a burr in my side and, in the process, turned me into my father and his more conservative/religious views.

I know that portions of my personality were formed from contact with my father and I have fought tooth-and-nail internally to reject those portions because of the compromises I had to make to protect myself from his passive-aggressive treatment of my mother, sister and me, hearing from his colleagues, friends and family, however much I don’t want to, how kind and considerate but opinionated my father was and how so many people from my past want to welcome me into the fold now that I, as a legacy, have joined my father’s fraternal organisation and cemented my place in that subculture.

I am a mixed-up dude and I know it.

I’ve never been forced by a child of mine in my household to construct a consistent view of the universe in an effort to give that child the best opportunities for success with an easily-repeatable narrative about how/why life is.

I have been able, instead, to successfully slide through life, hopping from one better-paying job to another, accumulating wealth along the way without giving the shirt off my back, to arrive here in this comfortable middle-class hovel in the woods, always having an escape plan at the ready should something I had imagined happen (for the unexpected, I am probably completely unprepared).

I don’t know what my very next step will be, except to take the bathmat out of the clothes washer that the cat had pooped on and hang it up to dry (the bathmat, not the cat (or the poop)).

I still want to get to the Moon and then on to Mars and dance in low-gravity conditions with my literary characters Guin and Bai.

Whether I join reality or whether reality gets in the way, I cannot say.

If I don’t even know if sanity is an illusion, how can I know if reality is real?

Me, myself, and I…sigh…

‘Tis sad to see that my wish — to have some dreadful disease that would end my life — has never been fulfilled.

Instead, my general practitioner tells me I am getting healthier as I get older because I have taken good care of my body.

What the hell?

You mean I won’t die of natural causes any time soon?

I wander the wilderness of this planet that we pretend is tamed with concrete sidewalks, asphalt driveways and paved parkways, never able to do more with the sets of states of energy than what they are, never able to get outside of this universe.

I shake my fist at the sky, shouting that my subculture is just not enough to make me happy — I have killed with my bare hands, I have tasted infinity, there is no love for the comfortable confines of a subculture which never truly contained me.

During the month or so of much-needed/wanted/desired self-reflection upon the threshold of self-actualisation, I assimilate my alliterative allegories and wander aimlessly.

Twixt which tweets, texts or twigs do I twist?

Having held death in my hands, there is little more to call my own.

Having stood on the edge of the abyss, there is little in the normal world that surprises me.

Yet, I want more.

I,I,I wantwantwant moremoremore.

I give the members of my childhood subculture their happy connections to our shared symbol sets, telling them I’ll perpetuate their beliefs for them and make them believe I believe them, too, if that makes them happy.

I have padded about in this comfort zone, lining the nest financially so much that I almost can’t get out of the nest or at least have raised the walls high enough to give me pause.

If only I had the impetus to generate enough income to construct a ladder or a means to helicopter myself out of this nest…

But for what purpose?

What is the core self, if there is one, the core burning desire to achieve something I am not achieving or do not see myself achieving, from this base of operations, this dilapidated modified ranch house with cathedral ceiling propped on a hillside over a crawlspace?

I am an amateur philosopher/maker/poet/writer who has been able to live below his means long enough and live in relative peace with a partner, his fellow 12-year old summer church camp attendee turned penpal turned wife of 27+ years, so that I’m closer to being stuck at home with both of us in our retirement years wondering what we’re going to do with the rest of our lives.

In other words, everything well within the normal range of people belonging to our subculture.

That, my fellow chickadees, is a revelation that hits me again and again about once a year, from when I was five, wondering how many more of the clueless adults around me I had to keep putting up with (and still wondering why!) to when I stood at the front of the church as my bride walked up the aisle to me and knowing that committing to marriage was the worst betrayal of myself that would ever happen (because I do not believe in marriage) and so on.

What I want out of life is to eliminate the self, not MYself, but the concept of the individual as more important than as just another set of states of energy generated by that burning ball of cosmic dust we call the Sun.

Then and only then will we see what the universe is, will we be able to move beyond our Earthcentric thoughts and onto the Next Great Thing that has nothing to do with the popular image of gadgets and gizmos to sell on the open market under protective cover of undercover government agents and privacy-intruding marketing departments.

Yet, how do we move a species to build spaceships for Martian settlement without peddling a lot of stuff on amazon.com and through paypal?

How do we promote the concept of conspicuous consumption in order to siphon off thousandths of a penny per sale for space exploration without overselling the concept of the individual?

Perhaps I shouldn’t care.  Perhaps allowing the religious concept of the soul in society is equivalent to allowing the economic concept of the consumer in society?

What, then, of the rise of the atheist consumer?  How do I address the issue of the atheist in the future where we need pooled resources to seed celestial bodies?

Euphemisms and symbology, that’s how!

Stemless glass

I once thought being a millionaire, even a very miserly one, would bring me contentedness, if not pure bliss or eternal happiness. What I’ve slowly realised…well…I am not that man with those thoughts anymore.

Being a millionaire is indeed a comfortably contented place to be but not a final destination.

Sure, my wife and I bought into the whole “reward yourself financially first” philosophy in order to achieve this goal, using the power of delayed gratification to get here 10, almost 15, years ahead of schedule, by, for example, buying a new car every 10 years or so.

Now that we’ve been here a while, enjoying the fruits of our labour, what’s next?

Unfortunately, I get bored easily and lose interest in subjects/topics after I’ve dissected them and determined their root cause.

Over the course of the past few months I mentally walked through the prospects of life outside the WASP monogamous lifestyle I was trained to support.

I asked myself if going out of my comfort zone was worth giving up my financial status, releasing the golden handcuffs and starting over, once again competing in the marketplace for your attention and money to feed my new habits of happiness fulfillment.

I thought I found the answer in new friendships.  I wanted the answer to be with my new friends because of their enthusiasm and strong belief in doing what they love — dancing.

This morning, in the sunlight reflecting off concrete, glass and steel structures of urbanism, I see that my friends’ infectious enthusiasm moves me to encourage their pursuit of momentary happiness and longterm financial security but my journey takes me in a new direction.

I’ve enjoyed meeting so many people in the social dancing subculture, gladly knowing that those who learned to dance as kids have been able to monetise their love for the body art/exercise of dance and become successful adults as instructors of social dance.

However, the source of their enthusiasm is not mine.

I tried to adopt their thoughtset as my own but I was only able to hold it for so long before I switched to building robots.

Finding a new hobby and realising it’s time to go on to another one is like breaking up with a girlfriend, which was never easy for me.

It’s time for me to say goodbye to competitive dancing and move on, figuring out how this miser can focus his wealth on something that will rejuvenate him while in his comfort zone (cliche is my forte).

Financial success before I die is one thing, still being alive and figuring out what to do to maintain my meditative state of bliss is another.

Regardless, I live in my thoughts, as my thoughts, with my thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity to find a new distraction from the ennui between now and whenever I die.

Is there another planet or species I can play with?

Dolmen

In the subculture I was raised, children were expected to behave and think like ladies and gentlemen — be kind to others, do not curse/swear or act vulgar, treat elders with respect by listening to their advice, stand/sit up straight, get good grades in school and be mindful of your neighbours’ expectations of you and yours of them — for any vice you choose to exhibit, do so in moderation and you will be forgiven for minor character flaws.

Parents were expected to instill a sense of social allegiance in their kids, smoothing the rough edges, redirecting psychological anomalies toward the greater good of the subculture — those who rejected the subculture were welcome to leave and visit for the holidays or other brief encounters.

By having the pressure relief valve of a clear exit plan for those who rejected or were rejected by the subculture, internalised anger issues were kept to a minimum.

Even within the subculture, tolerance was a variable that allowed for acceptance of some whose initially rejected character flaws were deemed redeemable.

For years, I’ve lived in a kind of purgatory, wanting to make people in that subculture feel as if I, too, desire nothing more than to perpetuate the unwritten rules and relationships of the subculture, while at the same time holding beliefs that run counter to the subculture or don’t bother to recognise human culture as more significant than the role of any Earth-based lifeforms in the universe.

Simply by reading the posts in social media of the friends/acquaintances from my childhood can I quickly ascertain how well I have maintained my pushme-pullya life in purgatorial self-exile.

There is something to be said about the happiness I feel when I hear that people still consider me loving, compassionate and a ham (having a sense of humour).

In no way do I want to deter that feeling in myself or the thoughts of others in that regard.

At the same time, I want more than what that subculture has provided me in the general sense of the WASP life.

Because I want nothing more or less than to ensure we devote sufficient resources to [re]establish Earth-based lifeforms on other celestial bodies, I know what I want does not directly conflict with what my childhood subculture desired for me.

A strong pull within me aches for the safe, secure life of a parent with happy children whose spouse also wanted offspring and looks forward to [great[great]]grandchildren, if we should live so long to see them.

Statistically, safety and security is not guaranteed but can be financially prepared for if less than safe, secure conditions interfere with planned happiness.

What if my dreams and aspirations interfere with the safe, secure life I have right now?

How important is an imaginary comfort zone compared to that last sentence?

Tomorrow is one more day of rest before, on the sixth sol of this marsyear, I prepare plans for my next creations, whatever they may be, to put life on Mars, on the Moon and elsewhere in the inner solar system.

Of course, we have a simple question to answer once again: what is life?

A life not my own, a dream my own

Two lives intersected at a restaurant — a patron and a server — sharing their autobiographical information with the freedom that social etiquette did not suppress.  This is an approximation of their conversation:

Patron

I got pregnant with my wonderful daughter when I was 13 and had her when I was 14.  You want to know why?  Because my mother was a whore and my father was a perv.  I remember when my husband and I were in Egypt.  He hired a Turkish maid for the trip.  I say “maid” because she didn’t do a lot the whole trip but sit on his lap, if you know what I mean.  By that time, she and I were the same age, 19.  My husband, when I complained about his relationship with the maid, told me he was comparing the two of us to see which one of us he was going to leave in Egypt.

Server

That’s cool.  When I turned 19 I took off with a friend to Israel.  We lived on what we made.  I worked as a bartender for a while.  Once, my friend and I decided to go to Sinai in Egypt on a whim, sneaking across the border.  We had a great time.  My friend was better-looking than me and one of the men we met offered 100 camels for my friend.

Patron

An Egyptian general, who told me that he was supposed to kill me because he had talked to me alone in the dinner tent without my husband present, offered my husband 100 camels for me.  My husband said he would have taken the offer if he knew what to do with 100 camels.

Server

You’re lucky.  If you’re not a good prize, they only offer 10 camels.  I said the same thing to the man — I had no use for one camel, let alone 100.  We stayed and played [لعبة الطاولة?], or backgammon, and had a great time.  My mother about died because I didn’t talk to her for several days — there was no cell service in the part of Sinai we were in — she thought I’d been kidnapped.  After two years of bartending, I got bored and saw my life was going nowhere so I came back here, got an associate’s degree in engineering technology, and am working on my mechanical engineering degree, hoping to graduate with a 4.0 GPA.

Patron

Good for you. I’m proud of what I did.  I raised three kids on my own while working at Columbia Records.  You can do anything you want if you have the determination.

= = = = = = = =

People’s lives are innately unique no matter how much they may be led to follow social trends.  After all, the patron and the server were inside P.F. Chang’s, a chain restaurant located at an outdoor shopping “mall” with other franchise stores.

How many of us do what I’m doing right now, cocooning myself with thoughts directed at a computer screen, talking about our lives or playing computer games rather than living our lives?

If I decided that I no longer enjoy dancing with my wife, that listening to her voice now that I have hearing aids has enhanced my desire to escape to this computer screen, that her desire to spend more time with me is not reciprocated, where does that leave me?  What determination do I have to do anything I want?  What do I want to do to accomplish a goal 13271 sols from now?

When I heard the conservatory students of Robert McDuffie describe what they’d accomplished as musicians, I realised that when I decided to marry my wife, I had given up on what I wanted to accomplish when I was a ten year old boy who had just viewed his dead girlfriend in a coffin — honour her life through my writing, turning my thoughts into action, conquering the known universe or as much of it as I could before I died.

In the Earth year of 2014, half of the marsyear I’m labeling Marsyear One, it is time for a new beginning, sol number 4 of 668.

It is time to determine if I move out on my own, perhaps sharing a place with friends, increase my number of labour/investment credits and give a little attention to the dreams and aspirations still cooped up inside the happy, hopeful boy who’s part of me.

I am responsible for making my dreams come true.