Who am I today? In the growth that may or may not accompany understanding, learning and wisdom, the growth that is the concept we call aging, I ask myself who I am.
Am I a person or persons?
Am I the fictional character Lee who lives in my thoughts as my memory keeper, saving scenes in my life for later use as a written story?
I fall in love with everyone because I am in love with the universe, whatever falling in love may mean, a concept that has been diagnosed and diced by every living thing with a need for nourishment.
What is technological advancement, or expansion of Earth lifeforms into the outer solar system compared to dancing uncontrollably with Michele?
What is my life worth if I don’t get a daily dose of Abi’s eyes looking at mine?
And without holding Jenn in my arms, why do I exist?
I used to panic when I could not logically explain my actions to Lee, my fictional alter ego, so he could protect me as a character whose storyline has already been written and protected from dying.
I had placed my trust in my lifelong partner, who has served in the role of wife for over 27 years, by sending her letters of my private thoughts when a teenager as an investment in a secret relationship untouchable by time.
The letters sit here next to me, filling shoeboxes, protected from the light of day.
She is the second layer of protection atop the character of Lee.
But I leave backdoors to the chaotic, insane me, so that I can still feel vulnerable, open to love all over again for the very first time.
I’m just not used to having so many open relationships at once!
Why did I have to fall in love with two women at the same time?
Why am I not willing to let go of the two inner layers of protection to see where I can go next?
Why am I shivering happily, after sleeping under a blanket in subfreezing weather last night?
Why is planet Earth so inadequate to provide the future I want with Jenn and Abi?
Time to put my feet to work and make a new life with my inventions rather than give them away to others.
I am tired of sacrificing my happiness for the “good of mankind.” Let mankind find its own happiness with or without me!