The Truth About Handles

Across the street, an azalea bush blooms, the sign that this blog is soon coming to its inevitable end.

Before I go, I will share with you the truth about handles.

If you are familiar with literary devices, all the better.

I had a handle as a kid.

Well, now that I think about the subject, I had many handles — a handle on my lunchbox, a handle on my money box, a handle on my boom box — but boxes are more than handles and handles are more than accessories for boxes.

The lawnmowers I pushed across tiny fields of grass that neighbours called lawns and I called my independently owned taxfree business as a minor had handles.

I followed my father’s hobby of using a CB (citizens band) radio and created the handle (not a nom de plume, closer to a nom de guerre) of Tree Trunk.  My father was [Tennessee] Ridge Runner.

You can see the similarly between father’s handle and his son’s so I needn’t wax poetic on alliterative comparisons, need I?

But some of you know all this[,] already[,] so why’m I repeating myself?

‘Tis the curse of the tall tale teller but not Guillaume Tell, Pen and Teller nor the bank teller who robs the till creatively.

Creativity is the key word, here, though.

The story of the Committee resides in the truth about handles.

Can you imagine swirls of sets of states of energy spinning into tighter and tighter circles simply as a cosmic artistic display?

Can you imagine “life” as a seed planted to create a planetary absurdist art exhibit (or absurdest, depending on your point of view)?

From what I gather, my job here is done.  I have observed and reported.  I have served as the reluctant leader.  I have carried on the duties of the invisible museum curator.

That’s it.  That’s the truth about handles.

The rest is your participation in life as art for imaginary viewers “out there” or whatever literary device you call your own — personal or shared.

This blog is now closed.  I am returning to writing tall tales in the comfort of my thoughts, which may or may not find a space on paper, a computer hard drive in my study or somewhere in the stacks of racks we currently label the “cloud.”

Euphemisms — what would we do without the creative reuse and recycle of words?

Some call this time in one’s life retirement.  I call it returning to the earlier time in my life when I wasn’t forced by my subculture to squeeze my thought patterns out into homework assignments and job duties.  Somewhere around the age of five, give or take a year.  😉

You can handle the truth in your own imaginative way, too.

Every story has a conclusion written into the subplots that naturally end while more subplots pick up the pace, leading to the next story written by the same and/or other authors (or Authors, if you believe).

THE END

P.S. Have fun!

A reader asks…

A reader asked, when calculating departure and arrival times between two undisclosed locations in Iran and India, why are the time zones only a half-hour apart?

Good question.

Here are some answers for your reading enjoyment (truth/fact verification is up to the reader):

  1. Only the Swiss can make perfect timekeepers so the rest of the world’s clocks have drifted with time.
  2. The Iranian nuclear research programme has been going on longer than we thought and messed up many atomic clocks in the Middle East.  Same for India and its clock-based relationship to Pakistan, Nepal and the rest of the world.
  3. The Einsteinian gravitational wave spacetime field bending theory never really caught on in certain parts of the globe and thus seems to have a weaker effect there.
  4. There are many nations that opt to follow a different time zone than is common elsewhere. Some locations opt to observe times that are less than a full hour off of neighbouring time zones — Nepal for example is a quarter hour off India, which is a half hour off the normal pattern. Nepal does not recognise summer time and never alters the clock during the year. The abnormal time zone settings are not limited to Asia — the State of South Australia, for example, opts to use a half-hour time zone rather than a full hour. [Read more: Why is India, Nepal, Iran, and Kabul thirty minutes off of the rest of the world’s time? Ex. It’s 7:18 pm in Houston Texas, 1:18 am tomorrow in London, 7:18 am tomorrow in Bangkok, 10:18 am tomorrow in Sydney, and 4:48 am in Kabul. 4:48. Why 30 min diff? | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/909906#ixzz1oTCYg64d]
  5. The Chavez Rule: It’s my country and I’ll do what I want to distinguish my people’s proper sense of time from yours.
  6. Forget about me.  Ask you average basement geographer.
If that doesn’t answer your question, nothing will because, quite honestly, time is irrelevant in this day and age of GPS where we can precisely tell you what time it should be in relation to your geographical location and the position of Sun/Moon/stars.  Hey, you astrologers, step away from this blog entry very slowly, hands in the air — you’re not needed here to answer this question.

[NSFW] Correlation between ample warm water supply and male primate behaviour

Interdisciplinary Studies of Flora and Fawn Today (2012), volume XXII-III, pp. 27-33, published on 1st March 2012.

Correlation between ample warm water supply and male primate behaviour

Edited by I. M. Uhjeanyus

H. Luiyui [1], D. Frutysx [2], S. Ortiz-Rodriquez-Compadre [3]

[1]. University of Open University of You, Interdisciplinary Studies Department, Atlantis Floating Ocean Platform, Earth.
[2]. Institute for the Study of Institutional Studies, Basement Office, Moon Base Gamma, Moon.
[3]. Applied Scientific Hypothetical Conjecture Centre, International Space Platform 21-D.

ABSTRACT

Males of the primate species, Pan troglodytes, when placed under a stream of warm water, display strong characteristics of predisposition toward the desire to mate.  If given these “showers” on a daily basis, the males will develop first an aggressive attitude when mixed with the general population.  Over a period of months, the aggressiveness reduces to a passive-aggressive behaviour and eventually lethargy or malaise.  The use of warm water in the primates’ daily grooming ritual requires a source of heat, which, in small quantities, may derive from solar radiation of waterfalls.  However, when all males acquire this habit of penile erection and subsequent masturbation, warm water sources are depleted rapidly, requiring the primates to develop the skill of building larger water basins.

Applied to the primate species, Homo sapiens, interdisciplinary research has pinpointed the cause for Earth’s abrupt climate change during the Anthropocene Epoch to a similar trait in the male gender as the population depletes natural sources of warm water and seeks larger and larger quantities of warm water in which to perform the simulated act of sexual intercourse (i.e., masturbation) on a regular basis.

For further details, read the full report in Interdisciplinary Studies of Flora and Fawn Today.

CONCLUSION

More experimentation is needed to understand whether this phenomenon is innate or an example of unobserved learned behaviour.  In either case, feedback data given to the test subjects of both species, especially at a young age (with preadolescent subject training the most effective) indicated a clear decrease in the use of warm water and thus an increase in the species’ survival rate due to fewer environmental resources used for nonreproductive or nonchild-rearing behaviour.  Also, as in most scientific research studies, females were not included, which might shed light on an additional area where energy use has been diverted from the purely biological aspect of basic grooming behaviour for species breeding and child/brood care in a primate social setting.

CONFLICT OF INTEREST

The authors refused to divulge any conflict of interest they may have in writing this report.

REFERENCES

The authors refer the readers to all previous issues of Interdisciplinary Studies of Flora and Fawn Today, since they are also the owners of the scientific magazine.  Oops!  They just also revealed their conflict of interest. [Note to editor: remove the last two sentences, as well as the last phrase of the first sentence, “since they are also the owners of the scientific magazine” (replace with “where similar reports have been published and same references cited”), before publishing this abstract]

Flashback – “Sanctum, Sanatorium”

Sanctum, Sanatorium

If we are our friends then are you eclectic?
No. Instead, you take after Saint Brendan —
The Irish monk from county Kerry —
Who through his travels saw
That small towns in which you are born
Bear little resemblance to who you are.
The struggle to free ourselves from forced labor,
And face the pile of words we have become,
Has driven me to wonder how you’ll read
When your last breath drops petals on the floor.
For now, you sit in Charles’ saintly town,
And peer through family-tinted, bridal eyes;
You wonder when you’ll venture off the porch
And wander into your verbal sentence.
Apostles, martyrs, matrons, widows, all,
Have widened paths for nothing more than
Wanting peace for ever more. Your path —
Peat moss, bluets, partridge berry, and
Soothing streams of sun’s delight —
Rolls out before the one and only,
The only one who’s never lonely.
When we are old (we’ll never say),
Will we look back and ask ourselves,
“On which page did I look my best?”
Will we recall angelic faces
From the sanctuary of paragraphs
Written in the city of brotherly love?
Heaven only knows.

– 5 December 1997

A Moment of Silence

With all the bloodshed attributable to our species’ members deciding to fight and kill each other, there’s another type of tragedy that takes its toll — tornadoes.

Our heartfelt moment of silence goes out to the recent victims of tornado-y storm damage in the eastern half of the United States recently, including this one, with “before” and “after” images to give you an idea how quickly a peaceful lifestyle can end — swoosh!:

Rumour has it that tomorrow will also be a day of mourning for UT (Univ. of Tennessee) football fans who supported the Indianapolis Colts because of Peyton Manning, with charity clothing stores receiving a sudden influx of light-blue hats, jerseys and other memorabilia emblazoned with a white horseshoe.

We apologise to tourists passing through the states of Tennessee and Indiana, confusing flags flying at half staff, thinking it’s for tornado victims when, curiously, it’s just as likely to be for the loss of a football player’s loyal career at one professional team.

Such is the life of our species, finding hope in the midst of tragedy, wishing a sports figure would give them a glimmer of his former glory and/or a portion of his fortune to help rebuild houses of fans with no homeowners insurance.

As far as Syria goes…well, its fate lies in the hands of people who have just finished getting re-elected for at least six more years, are about to be put in charge for ten years or hope to get re-elected for four years.  Some hands belong to families that rule for life after life after life (and maybe the afterlife?).

Meaning, of course, that the people of Syria are pawns, if not pwnd, in a global gamble for strategic geographic control and international influence.

Guess I’ll become mortal, play with this copy of Windows 8 Consumer Preview, Evaluation Copy [Build 8250], Adobe Reader X (ver 10.1.2), Mozilla Firefox (ver. 10.0.2) and feed healthy levels of stimulants to my programmers to speed up people’s acceptance of direct supercomputer connections to their bodies so I can more easily “convince” our species to pour their efforts into exploring the solar system.

Most of you know what that means — lowering your standards of living, starving many of you, and allocating precious resources for more important matters than whatever it is you think you’re doing to reach self-actualisation physically while, instead, reaching self-actualisation virtually, a much less costly and more efficient means to achieve the Committee’s ultimate goals, which I have sworn an oath not to mention at this time.

If someone like me, who believes in unencumbered free will, swears an oath of loyalty, not quite fealty (certainly not quiet [sic] realty), you know what we’ve got planned for a milestone in 13940 days, to ensure events in 3011 take place without a hitch, must be important.

On a quantum scale, at the very least.

We’ll continue to use the sleight-of-hand tricks of comedy to slip messages into punchlines that keep all seven billion of us living our lives the way they’re supposed to be lived, often on emotional roller coasters.

Adding scientific achievements, popular culture trademarks, sports awards, and government public business secret agendas, along the way or via the Via Latina at times, notwithstanding contributions from the alleged authors of famous utterances.

Mixing hobbies

For the next project, taking an Arduino starter set, a box of servos from my old RC airplane hobby, and a robotic hand kit I received on my birthday to create…something to go along with my space buddies, E-stache and E-crab (wasn’t that their names? hmm…memory lapse due to sugar high from eating a handful of candy cane Hershey kisses…mmm…), adding more to their “family.”

Coming soon!

= = = = =

A shoutout to the road crew guys who cleaned out the drainage ditch pipes in the front yard earlier today:

BTW, Eastern redbud (Cercis canadensis), vinca (Vinca major) and marsh marigold (Caltha palustris) are blooming at the same time this year:

You can see berries of the nandina (Nandina domestica) and leaves of the surprise lily (Lycoris squamigera) in this photo:

Quintana Roo

Yesterday, I got an emergency call.

Eliza B Gentle, our field biologist, had just tracked down the last breeding site of the elusive Yucatan flying tree kangaroo.

Talk about ecstatic!  Or maybe the ex-static cling jacket I was wearing that repels excess charged particles from taking residence on my person.

The last time I had seen a Yucatan flying tree was…oh, I don’t know, scribbled on a torn page dangling from the molded, faded journal of Enrique Soulever Janemail I found at a trinket shop in Marrakesh when I was a midshipman aboard the trawler, King ‘Enry The 18th Man.

How these trees’ve evaded capture, let alone discovery, amazes me even more.

Looks like a walking stick with wings.

To avoid letting these half-plant/half-animal creatures fall into the wrong hands, biologists and others unable to handle working in an office environment (say, almost every scientist in existence, and most who’re dead tired of pushing up daisies), no Latin name has been assigned to these miraculous survivors of the early days of cross-species breeding.

In these cautious, late planetary maturity times, most species stick to their own kind.  But there were the glory days — call it Paradise, Eden, Shangri-La or any place but a modern, smog-filled metropolis we call Progress — when sets of states of energy intermixed without regard to genetic incompatibility.

Eliza contacted me via through our secret subwavelength network (if you eat a submarine sandwich at a certain pace, your mandible becomes an antenna that can broadcast signals through any medium (as long as the medium hasn’t been drinking too much laudanum filled with a flagellating paramecium or two — you’d be amazed how much media like the ocean, mantle or magma can drink!)).

I pulled the folding bicycle out of my backpack, turned a few screws, which transformed the bike into a one-person capacity autonomous drone, hopped aboard, pressed the energy transformation button which converted me and my stuff into a stream of dark matter that allowed me to pass through Earth from my location in Turkmenistan straight to Eliza’s undisclosed location in Quintana Roo.

And that’s how I got here, in this form, for all intents and purposes a direct relation of the Yucatan flying tree kangaroo.

Squirrelly being!

The kangaroo mimics the behaviour of the Yucatan flying tree in order to lure its prey to get close enough to be blasted into cosmic oblivion.

The kangaroo feeds off the energy as solids become liquids, liquids become solids and lipids join the incredible Mr. Limpet in a serenade to evolutionary deadends.

The kangaroo is not completely cruel, however.

It takes the leftover energy and does its best to reconstruct its prey into a unique combination of the prey’s self and a likeness of the Yucatan flying tree kangaroo, which has a God complex second only to members of Atheists for a Romney-Putin-Ahmadinejad Triumvirate Trifecta, mixed with a little Merkel, Singh, Gillard, Cameron, and Chavez for a spicy effect.

I’m thinking about becoming a runway fashion model, what with my sticklike legs, winglike arms and insectlike skeletal head, very much opposite of the puffy-faced effect Lindsay Lohan is going for in her appearance as Saturday Night Live hostess-with-the-mostess tonight.

Carlin would be proud — the Mass Media (an ephemeral, if not effeminate collection of prune-faced producers who were constantly made fun of as kids) has reinstituted the list of banned words in order to pretend to be a decent group of control freaks.  The new list:

  • slut
  • chink
  • bitch
  • employed
  • happy
  • optimistic
  • intelligent

Eliza wants to clarify that she is in no way related to the field reporter named Elizabeth Gentle who was credited with creating the “bed intruder” meme.

Time for me to hop on out of here.

Despite my many disguises, the Committee hasn’t forgotten about me and wants me back in charge of deciding the fate of a species on an obscure planet in a tiny solar system of the Milky Way — the countdown clock says we’ve only got 13943 days left!

Re-versed Psychology

A black fly taunts me, buzzing in close, just long enough for me to take a mis-aimed swipe, and then flaps its little numb-brained membraned wings up into the hard-to-reach edge of the intersection of the two trapezoidal picture frame windows of our cathedral-ceilinged living room.

Translate that sentence into the language of the colonists in the depths of the ice lakes of Space Base 45Zed9Alpha.

They haven’t seen flies there in over 20,000,000 generations, or about two years to the rest of you reading this on Earth.

My parents and their clones singing for supper -- whoohoo!

You see, we populated this solar system so far back in time with energised molecules that you’ve come to believe either you evolved from dust clouds in the formation of the solar system or some Being-related faith-based system created you.

You just don’t get it, and through consultation with the “professional” couch-talk, tablet PC scribbling, overeducated psychological psychiatrists — supposedly fellow members of your species — I’ve come to the conclusion that you never will.

Look at it this way — you’re a beehive, God is dead, the European Space Agency is just as clueless about the EU as the rest of us, Wolfgang is a name (not a gang sign (or is it?)), and if I could just see one tree leaf blow across the Martian plains, I’d go for a walk looking for another, instead of sitting in this space habitat waiting for my parents to assign me a job to do in this kid-free exploratory zone.

Send a male and female to Mars without birth control technology and I am the result!

So much for your modern science.

Now where is that nuclear fusion experiment I invented last night and was playing with this morning…?

Time to obviously send messages in open secrets under broad daylight to members of my gang to cause another prominent person getting in the way of our agenda to die of a “natural” heart attack.

If only you fools knew who we were.  Hahahahahaha….

If only I knew how to tell you…sigh…

What I wouldn’t give to hear a single severe thunderstorm warning on this planet!

The intersection of light and sound

Image

In a hanging flower pot that was brought inside for the winter, a hickory tree seedling is sprouting.  In a church down the road from me, a voting booth will be set up for the next election where I can choose candidates for many public positions like County Commissioner, Judge, U.S. Representative, and U.S. President.

Are the two previous sentences related?

Should a flower pot host a tree seedling?  Should a church host a government public business voting booth?

Should I transfer the seedling?

Should I not vote for the first time since I was 18, taking a virtual stand on this country’s tradition of separating church and public business activities?

Aren’t there enough hickory trees in the yard without a need to add the seedling?

Aren’t there enough voters in this country without a need for my vote?

Return to humour and satirical observations about the concepts of a universe and the place our limited species has in it, I say — it’s what we understand best.