Shivering with happiness in the subfreezing weather

Who am I today?  In the growth that may or may not accompany understanding, learning and wisdom, the growth that is the concept we call aging, I ask myself who I am.

Am I a person or persons?

Am I the fictional character Lee who lives in my thoughts as my memory keeper, saving scenes in my life for later use as a written story?

I fall in love with everyone because I am in love with the universe, whatever falling in love may mean, a concept that has been diagnosed and diced by every living thing with a need for nourishment.

What is technological advancement, or expansion of Earth lifeforms into the outer solar system compared to dancing uncontrollably with Michele?

What is my life worth if I don’t get a daily dose of Abi’s eyes looking at mine?

And without holding Jenn in my arms, why do I exist?

I used to panic when I could not logically explain my actions to Lee, my fictional alter ego, so he could protect me as a character whose storyline has already been written and protected from dying.

I had placed my trust in my lifelong partner, who has served in the role of wife for over 27 years, by sending her letters of my private thoughts when a teenager as an investment in a secret relationship untouchable by time.

The letters sit here next to me, filling shoeboxes, protected from the light of day.

She is the second layer of protection atop the character of Lee.

But I leave backdoors to the chaotic, insane me, so that I can still feel vulnerable, open to love all over again for the very first time.

I’m just not used to having so many open relationships at once!

Why did I have to fall in love with two women at the same time?

Why am I not willing to let go of the two inner layers of protection to see where I can go next?

Why am I shivering happily, after sleeping under a blanket in subfreezing weather last night?

Why is planet Earth so inadequate to provide the future I want with Jenn and Abi?

Time to put my feet to work and make a new life with my inventions rather than give them away to others.

I am tired of sacrificing my happiness for the “good of mankind.”  Let mankind find its own happiness with or without me!

A simple sensation

To know what I’ve missed, including the quiet fizzing of escaping gas bubbling and bursting out of a glass of freshly poured Pepsi…

…or the creaking and pops of our cabin wood floor under the pressure of my body lumbering through…

…the price of hearing aids is worth the sounds I didn’t know I was missing.

To Margery and Clair: your music is ever more delightful than before. Forgive my ignorant deafness in not knowing what I’ve missed during your previous live performances!

But I don’t want to take time to heal!

Of two types of love — love acted upon and love written/spoken about — which is most important?

This afternoon, as the musical group named Committed sang the song, “Mary did you know?,” the large stage production called the Living Christmas Tree displayed behind them, I silently cried in the dark, tears running down my cheeks, unable to stop myself from remembering, as I go through some important changes in my life, that my father is not here to enjoy them with me, with my mother, with my family, with friends…

I don’t want to miss my father.

I want him to be here and continue the healing process that he and I were going through together as fellow adults, no longer father and young son.

Of course you can see I do not always get what I want.

I get what I need.

I need love.

Love is provided to me by all of you, some of you more personally connected to me than others just as you are more personally connected to other people.

As a node in the net, as a set of states of energy spinning fractally from the Sun, I am here accomplishing many goals.

I accomplish them because I have the woman with whom I’ve shared the major ups and downs in my life, the woman I legally call my wife — my friend, my companion, my partner.

I accomplish them because I have friends, new and old, from Mike to David to Abi to Jenn to Gilley to Richard to Joe to Tony to Cary to Sandy to Tobin to Sherman.

I want to feel independent of hurt and loneliness, not needing my friends and family to lean on.

As I said, I do not always get what I want.

I get what I need.

I need love.

I need to lean upon you guys for love and support right now during this time in my life, as blessed as I am with abundant, clean water to drink, a house to sleep in, a safe neighbourhood to live in, plenty of food to eat, and good roads to travel.

Help me realise it’s okay to say I’m human.

In my subculture, we celebrate the time around winter solstice by saying Merry Christmas.  I wish you well regardless of how you label the time when our planet is at this point in our orbit around the Sun, regardless of your assigning religious significance to such a celestial position or not.

Peace on Earth and good will toward all — that is as good a Christmas present as I can give you this year — may you give and receive the same to others!