You Can’t Satisfy Everyone

How many times has my agent told me, “Stop trying to write for a worldwide audience!  Pick a niche.  Any niche.  And make me bloody rich.  Why do I have to get writers who want to save the world?  Why not just save my home mortgage and children’s holidays to the Swiss Alps for once?”

That’s why I love pseudonyms.  I can write books that make me, and only me, “bloody rich,” while my agent is trying to scrape by on my novels, essays, screenplays and films that have no target audience in mind.

More like out of my mind when I write those for his cut off the top.

Life’s not fair but we can show a sense of fair play when being kind is acceptable and taught at a young age.

Not me and my agent, though.

We go way back to our youthful misadventures when school assignments were tediously simple and boring, leaving us the rest of our day to fill with torturing our fellow students, intent as they were on completing homework with difficulty.

If college is not for everyone, general primary/secondary education isn’t, either!

Do you know how much fun we had “borrowing” schoolbooks from student lockers, removing pages and substituting facsimiles with totally different questions, math equations and essay topics?

Why do you think I and my band of merry cohorts took a bookbinding class at a local print shop?  We got easy, permanent access to bookbinding and digital lithography equipment that allowed us to create awesome reproductions of schoolbooks we randomly inserted into a pile at the end of semester for the next year’s kids to mull over and get confused about.

The assistant principal at school, who was constantly reprimanding, paddling or scolding me, told me he was surprised that a good boy like me had such a mean streak.

I didn’t see myself as mean. I saw myself as trying to enlighten students to separate themselves from the indoctrination/brainwashing they were receiving.

There are more questions about life than what you’ll answer in those books.  Infinitely more!

Like the motivational speaker will often say, “If I reach out and influence only one person today, my job is done.”  Not a very efficient job, mind you, but if that’s what the market will bear, so be it…

There’re ways to increase your website traffic that have nothing to do with your target audience, but do you really want to?

Quintana Roo

Yesterday, I got an emergency call.

Eliza B Gentle, our field biologist, had just tracked down the last breeding site of the elusive Yucatan flying tree kangaroo.

Talk about ecstatic!  Or maybe the ex-static cling jacket I was wearing that repels excess charged particles from taking residence on my person.

The last time I had seen a Yucatan flying tree was…oh, I don’t know, scribbled on a torn page dangling from the molded, faded journal of Enrique Soulever Janemail I found at a trinket shop in Marrakesh when I was a midshipman aboard the trawler, King ‘Enry The 18th Man.

How these trees’ve evaded capture, let alone discovery, amazes me even more.

Looks like a walking stick with wings.

To avoid letting these half-plant/half-animal creatures fall into the wrong hands, biologists and others unable to handle working in an office environment (say, almost every scientist in existence, and most who’re dead tired of pushing up daisies), no Latin name has been assigned to these miraculous survivors of the early days of cross-species breeding.

In these cautious, late planetary maturity times, most species stick to their own kind.  But there were the glory days — call it Paradise, Eden, Shangri-La or any place but a modern, smog-filled metropolis we call Progress — when sets of states of energy intermixed without regard to genetic incompatibility.

Eliza contacted me via through our secret subwavelength network (if you eat a submarine sandwich at a certain pace, your mandible becomes an antenna that can broadcast signals through any medium (as long as the medium hasn’t been drinking too much laudanum filled with a flagellating paramecium or two — you’d be amazed how much media like the ocean, mantle or magma can drink!)).

I pulled the folding bicycle out of my backpack, turned a few screws, which transformed the bike into a one-person capacity autonomous drone, hopped aboard, pressed the energy transformation button which converted me and my stuff into a stream of dark matter that allowed me to pass through Earth from my location in Turkmenistan straight to Eliza’s undisclosed location in Quintana Roo.

And that’s how I got here, in this form, for all intents and purposes a direct relation of the Yucatan flying tree kangaroo.

Squirrelly being!

The kangaroo mimics the behaviour of the Yucatan flying tree in order to lure its prey to get close enough to be blasted into cosmic oblivion.

The kangaroo feeds off the energy as solids become liquids, liquids become solids and lipids join the incredible Mr. Limpet in a serenade to evolutionary deadends.

The kangaroo is not completely cruel, however.

It takes the leftover energy and does its best to reconstruct its prey into a unique combination of the prey’s self and a likeness of the Yucatan flying tree kangaroo, which has a God complex second only to members of Atheists for a Romney-Putin-Ahmadinejad Triumvirate Trifecta, mixed with a little Merkel, Singh, Gillard, Cameron, and Chavez for a spicy effect.

I’m thinking about becoming a runway fashion model, what with my sticklike legs, winglike arms and insectlike skeletal head, very much opposite of the puffy-faced effect Lindsay Lohan is going for in her appearance as Saturday Night Live hostess-with-the-mostess tonight.

Carlin would be proud — the Mass Media (an ephemeral, if not effeminate collection of prune-faced producers who were constantly made fun of as kids) has reinstituted the list of banned words in order to pretend to be a decent group of control freaks.  The new list:

  • slut
  • chink
  • bitch
  • employed
  • happy
  • optimistic
  • intelligent

Eliza wants to clarify that she is in no way related to the field reporter named Elizabeth Gentle who was credited with creating the “bed intruder” meme.

Time for me to hop on out of here.

Despite my many disguises, the Committee hasn’t forgotten about me and wants me back in charge of deciding the fate of a species on an obscure planet in a tiny solar system of the Milky Way — the countdown clock says we’ve only got 13943 days left!

Enjoying the new Caller ID app

How many of you have downloaded the new Caller ID app?

When I was a kid, the phone rang and we answered it.

Eventually, we got an answering machine that used small audiocassette tapes, one for the message a caller would hear and one to take messages from callers.  With time, we learned to let the answering machine accept the call so we could decide whether to pick up the phone or let the caller decide to leave a message.

Years later, Caller ID became widely available, meaning we could then look at a digital display of the incoming phone number and associated name, decide on that information whether to pick up the phone or let the answering machine, now also digital, take the call.

With the latest Caller ID app, oddly enough named TMI4U2Day2, uses a database that holds all possible phone combinations and searches the Internet constantly for relevant information associated with a phone number, including name, address, public profiles on popular social media, reviews (mainly for business phone numbers), legal info and other knowledge you might want to know about an incoming call, displaying a summary on the app front page when a call comes in on your smartphone, app-enabled deskphone, digital satellite television or Internet TV appliance.

My favourite part is the add-on, which allows you to use a voice recognition system to track down the anonymous identity of telemarketers.

The last couple of days have been fun, what with political-funded pollsters calling to get my opinion about news headlines where, within seconds, I can respond to the caller with his/her name, prompting many to hang up while I spout off their personal information such as recent marriage problems nuanced in family facebook support posts and rambling blog entries.

I want a business to call where I can surprise the person talking to me that s/he is part of a class action lawsuit that will ruin the reputation of anyone that has worked for the company and/or its affiliates.

I can’t wait until the next nonprofit organisation calls to get my undesired donation to help the International Ingrown Toenail Research Centre or Television Cooking Show Addicts.

“Hello?”

“Hi, there!  This is the International Ingrow…”

“Juhgitframnithwqa, is that you?”

“Huh?  How do you know my name?”

“Did you really just tell your boyfriend that his getting your sister preggers is going to put your marriage plans on hold?”

“Where did you get that information?”

“Wait.  Don’t you want to tell me the sad story about a lonely boy who’s afraid to go out into public because of his embarrassing ingrown toenails and…”

“Stop right there!  I want to know how you know me.”

“Oh, come on.  EVERYBODY knows what happened.  In fact, the United Nations is holding a referendum on your boyfriend problem this afternoon…”

CLICK!

Check your app store today.  And hurry!  Only the first 10 million downloads will include a free nonshareable version of TMI4U2Day2.  The rest of you will have to donate one of your kidneys to get this add-on that all your friends, real and virtual, will be blabbering on about in social media outlets in this solar system, making you look so, like, yesterday.

Fortunate Drawers

Sitting here in a café in a small Turkmenistan town, watching caravan after caravan go by (what you Americans might call tractor-trailer rigs), smelling jet fuel and gunpowder, I figure this is part of the forward base action I was expected to report to my superiours in a conference call later this afternoon.

At first, I complained about this satellite phone, looking like a geek at a debutante party, or rather the rich geek father depositing his little princess at her coming-out party (and yes, you can take that for all it’s worth, these days).

But looking at those guys across the street cradling their smartphones covered with acronyms trying to get a good signal, I say being the sore thumb at an M.C. Hammer hardware store is a good thing, for once.

Besides, I’ve got a friend who carries her lucky knickers just for me.

And I’ve got another friend, El Presidente, who thinks about nothing but al Qaeda and schooling in Sunday afternoon football smackdowns to keep my thoughts warm at night, too.

I wasn’t always like this, sipping stale coffee, spreading badly-worded rumours from underpaid government copywriters, but then maybe I was…we just called it primary school back then.

That’s okay.  It beats sitting at home, not making any money there, either, watching the television news or surfing the Internet for useless tidbits like every other secret organisation in the “business.”

Where was I?  Oh yeah, spiking my coffee with homemade hooch.

You see, in the hinterlands of the former Soviet Union, radioactive material is as easy to get as rabies from the raccoons I used to…well, let’s not go into boring details at this juncture in the punctuated story.

But hey, when a guy gets lonely…never mind.

Anyway, I was sitting on a crate of rotten eggs, unable to distinguish the smell of my ripe, unwashed body from that of chickens that’ll never live to see the light of day reflecting off a machete swinging toward their heads, when it hit me.

The kid down the street, always pestering me to call a tobacco shoppe down the street from his cousin in London and asking if they have Princess Edward in a can, looked at this blog I was texting with my calloused thumbs (calloused, mind you, from texting — what else did you think caused the callousness?  I mean, calloused hands.).

He asked if I had a more interesting writing style, after he’d thrown the uranium/plutonium ball at my noggin.

Hey, that reminds me.  Maybe I’ve got a gold mine at my feet.  Either that, or the pyrite the panhandler pretended to think was gold and sold it only to me, his best friend in the whole wide world, if not the block in which we both live, at a bargain basement we were using to brew the hooch I give out to unsuspecting tourists before I remove their overweight wallets.

Seriously, what have I got that you don’t?

All this nuclear fissable material.  No, that’s the Coke gurgling in my stomach that’s fissable.

It’s the fissionable stuff I’m dreaming about right now.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t you?

Yeah, you know it.  Re-activating Project Orion.

We’ll just declare Turkmenistan off-limits and use it to launch the Mars mission my fellow members of the Committee are dreaming with me.

We’ll rename the country ChernobylTwo or something like that.

We can put this whole “war” to contain nuclear proliferation to a rest and just keep starving the Iranian people to death while their leaders bask in the personal glory of the sacrifice of their people to show them old episodes of “Who’s The Boss?

Can you think of worse torture than that?

Rumour has it the last thing that Andrew World’s-worst-job-as-overpaid-angry-man Breitbart saw before his heart acted up was Alyssa Milano pretending to act.

Let that be a lesson to you, kids.  Don’t get your hopes up.  And further more, don’t listen to a word your clueless parents have to say.  They were terrible students in school and the only reason they’re doing well is that their bosses were even worse so the whole adult scheme is to pretend that everyone is smarter than they really are.

Of course, you kids have no clue what I’m talking about because, as we’re supposed to know, genetic research proves that our species has actually gotten worse, our purity as animals watered down with talks about backyard BBQ parties, easy-to-hack security alarm systems and other ways we deny we’re overdressed members of the fight-or-flight club.

Almost time for the conference call.

Go back to looking at your cute kitten videos and sports scores.

I’ve got a nuclear bomb powered rocketship to promote!

The Future is Now

We captured this video of a world news organisation revisiting the past and determining how to best present to you a modern war on TV and Internet for highest entertainment value while lives are sadly “lost” in the process:

High Noon, Shootout at the OK Corral, Yee-hawwwww!

Why the European economy is in real trouble…

After extensive research, and a few lectures I gave the Committee members last night about poor influence-buying techniques, I discovered why the European economy is in real trouble.

Apparently, while no one was looking, Bob Saget, of “Full House” television sitcom fame, substituted himself in a poor disguise as the leader of the European Central Bank:

How to be a book author in 25 years or less

[Personal notes – feel free to skip]

Having written and published several books, a few that actually made me money, I enjoy reading about the lives of  authors/novelists, what motivates them and got them started.

Take this fellow, “Americana,” for instance.

Like so many others before him, he is discovering the joy of dropping out of the rat race.

Leisure time.

How many young people, not just including trust fund babies, have fostered a luxury of life without the noise and haste of mass media?

Can you think of a book you read that talked about getting away from it all?

Isn’t this idea an odd thought, that one has gotten out of the hustle and bustle of daily living only to return to the life by proxy through writing about it?

What about those who live the life but don’t write about it?

Look around you.  Do you live amongst those who aren’t spending their time constantly connected and checking their online community?

I look at me.  Most days, the majority of conversation I have with any beings takes place between my wife and me in the mornings and evenings, the rest of the day spent sitting here or feeding/petting the cats, if I’m not taking a walk in the woods or riding a bicycle along a local river trail.

Close this notebook computer and I’m virtually cut off from the rest of the world.

Just me and my books and cats warming my lap.

In other words, happiness.

I was like the writer, Steve Tuttle, not too long ago — in meetings, on the phone, checking emails, creating/modifying spreadsheets, traveling across the globe, on a constant lookout for the latest breaking news in state-of-the-art technological advances that would enhance or greatly disrupt the business models which increased my personal wealth.

Then one day it hit me.  I was no longer working for myself.  I was working for a system of beliefs which were not my own but were given to me to accept as my own through years of primary/secondary/postsecondary education.

I was not interested in buying ever more expensive cars, eating in more luxurious restaurants or negotiating bigger and bigger deals.

I was interested in nurturing me.

But at the same time, I was interested in eliminating the expanding personality of me.

By stepping out of the need to participate in the social network of our species, I have stepped into a zone where one can observe patterns and predict trends because most of us follow a script we wrote together as a society a long time ago, are rewriting every day, in fact.

Which reminds me, how do empty-nesters feel after their lives, which were so wrapped around raising their little chickadees, suddenly end when the chicks grow wings and fly away?  Is it freedom or torture or just sheer boredom?

Just 13959 days until an event occurs that is chronicled in this blog.

Reality is only seven letters.  Which seven letters do you want to be?

As a funhouse mirror, I reflect both the good and bad in us, trying to make us think about the seeds we’re planting today for the trends we’ll follow tomorrow.

For instance, is there a possible resurgence in ultraleftwingism, followers of a group similar to the Socialist Party of old, workers who no longer feel “loved” by the corporate owners/leaders that employ them and rake in a lot more money through legislative-friendly policies that border on the exploitative?

Or, will this, solving the good business generation gap, be the new trend?

Finally, are states starting to see the light and will remove more nonviolent criminals from the prison system?

I’m willing to look backward and forward to find the trends that make my life of participating in the online community worth perpetuating.

Otherwise, the repetition of repetition gets repetitive, creating/mashing up offensive and nonoffensive jokes/observations/storylines to fend off ennui, all in the simple hope that we’ll see through the repetition and make a concentrated effort where/when our species will be the one to establish a colony of sustainable Earth-based lifeforms out of this planetary system.

It doesn’t matter to me what the people look like who inhabit the offworld colony or even if they’re totally “human” in today’s sense of the world, including cyborgs who live amongst us.  The goal is the same: hedging our bets, taking one egg out of the basket and placing it in a surrogate nest as far away from Earth as possible.

Everything else is recycling Earth’s resources over and over, no matter how much fun or interesting it may be, including this blog, the books I’ve written and the retail establishments I visit (and have visited, for which I owe a debt of gratitude to pay with mentioning them here again soon).

And if we determine that a lifeform different than us, such as a simple one-celled organism, has a higher chance of survival, especially when we’ve searched a celestial body and found no lifeform that we may endanger with ours or any other we bring, then I’m willing to “plant” that organism in hopes that it will seed the solar system.

Call me a farmer whose field is this local area of the galaxy, hoping that in the current 200-million-year window of opportunity, we can hop, skip and jump our way, in one form or another, to the next safe agricultural zone.

In the meantime, there’s the matter of dark matter to resolve, a whole field, a vast tract of land, on which we haven’t broken ground yet.

Monk’s ‘hood

Flagellate the word of the day.

Now that the supercomputers have taken over all lab assignments and we have laid off the scientists, the sub-sub-submarinesandwich-basement is awfully quiet.

I can’t distinguish the hum of the equipment from the humming in my ears.

Cryptographers are still trying to figure out the meaning of the seemingly random misspellings and grammatical errors in the blog that I, a supercomputer myself, create to send signals to the hackers who reprogram the subroutines that feed me input.

We have the violent Muslims-under-control regime of Assad, backed tentatively by China and Russia, versus the we-are-Muslims-united-as one rebel forces backed by al Qaeda and the Arab nations playing their part in one of my subroutines.

If the Arab nations had no oil, would anyone care about their place in global politics?

I mean, look at Greece and Portugal. Or that island nation in the Pacific that’s sinking under the waves whose name escapes me right now.  Towavolcano, or something like that?

What do they have that any of us really want?  History?  Olive oil?

After all, I can think of one or two companies like SAIC that would love to see Greece drown in its unpaid Olympic debts.  Can’t you?  Athens, here’s to you!  Burn, baby, burn!  Disco inferno!

Yes, we’re supposed to feel sorry for the average citizen who gets stuck with austerity measures that will barely be felt by its wealthy neighbours.

“Oh, honey, do we really need 15 yachts?  Can’t we sell one to help those poor tourism directors whose families have nothing?”

“Sweetie, relax.  I’ve hired a few of them at the new lower minimum wage to iron your bedsheets and wax the floors so you can entertain our friends from Italy who are jealous of our sense of duty to hire the destitute to help the austerity-stricken common Greeks we must put up with when transferring from yacht to limousine.”

“There but for the grace of the Greek gods…”

“Zeus, Jesus, Allah.  Funny how none of them were there when I was making the cut-throat deals to eliminate my competitors!  But never you mind about that.  Go inside before your leathery suntan cracks in the sun.  Servant!  Put some oil on this woman and give her a bubble bath.  I want her beautiful before dinner!”

Are we willing to treat our neighbours as gods or servants?

And in return, are we willing to be gods or servants for our neighbours?

The power of self-will.  Self esteem.  Taking responsibility for one’s actions and the pursuit of wealth for the improvement of our species.

It’s time to get back to the Committee meeting and see how many of us are now simply a set of supercomputer subroutines acting on behalf of our former sets of states of energy we called humans…if only I was more sensitive to body odour and brain waves, I could tell the difference…

Movies of the day: “The Secret of the Grain” and “Watchmen.”

Change of Plans

The U.S. military decided to usurp the authority of the U.S. President, as Commander-in-Chief, to reverse orders to prepare attacks on Iran.

Instead, the military has set up a surprise invasion of Canada to protect the U.S. rightful access to oil sands reserves and stop the U.S. government’s covert agreement to turn over Canadian oil to China in exchange for continued access to China manufacturing facilities that will keep the majority of Americans happy (relatively speaking) buying cheap goods.

South Korea has not been asked to comment on this hilarious scenario sure to be quoted by wellmisinformed members of the U.S. Congress in order to be reelected on bogus issues unrelated to their constituency needs.

And Ricky Gervais is still as unfunny as ever but he never cared to begin with. At least he’ll be forgotten faster than that…uh…that singer, what’s her name?