Tag Archives: humour

Off With ‘is ‘ead!

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In mob news today, the English-speaking world tracked, followed, stalked and captured the head of a large media empire.

The media empire provided 24/7 news coverage of the downfall of their emperour.

At last report, the mob was deciding whether to spread the parts of the head to the ends of the earth, or…

…put the whole head on display and increase tourism to only one spot on the planet.

Meanwhile, the World Court declared that email/text messaging is a public utility and thus subject to no rights of privacy, opening the door for a complete transparent exposure of all transactions – business, personal or political – to every citizen of Earth.

Thanks to Kamil at DQ in Guntersville, Houlihan’s in ATL airport, Shatandra at ATL news stand, Kathy at Alabama welcome center, Lacey at VF Outlet in Boaz, Outlaw Steakhouse, and Charles at McDonald’s in Douglasville, GA.

I’m taking a break from blogging to concentrate on writing a book the rest of this summer in the Northern Hemisphere.

Y’all have a good one, y’hear?

Indelible Fruit Trees

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Returning to “staying on message.”

In the delicate balance of managing seven billion prople, when people have individuality that shares traits of common culturres, happiness is social.

Over the weekend, my mother’s family told stories about events, selves and ideas.

We decompressed, getting out from under the shadow of self-protection that the bombardment of negative news reinforces.

Image/brand management gives way to tales and legends of family lore.

Trapping rabbits for spending money as a teenager.

Taking the family car out for a spin at age 14 to go “parking.”

Visiting relatives and reporting on hoarding behaviour.

Playing epic sessions of Rook.

Throwing footballs in the backyard.

Sending bottle rockets into the neighbours’ treetops.

Looking at old family photos from the 1920s.

Recalling words like ectomorph and endomorph.

Fixing broken/leaking objects at a cousin’s house.

“Cuz, what do you think of my yard? Great, huh?”

“Looks like your mowing deck is askew.”

“Yeah, I noticed that it started messing up a couple of mowings ago.”

Finding a cotter pin had slipped or broken off and rigging one from a paper binder to level the mower blade platform.

Spending days prepping food and cleaning the house in preparation for the family reunion.

Swimming in the clubhouse pool.

Saying goodbye.

Returning home.

Cleaning up.

Diving back in to our crosscultural lives, putting on our self-defense shields that consist of platitudes and gratitudes.

The message of seven billion working toward one goal continues…

Sports Accounting

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There was a time, a long, long time ago…

Well, now that 10,000 is only 6 away…

Two kids outrushing my father for a Braves T-shirt, forever famous in a facebook photo.

A long list of thanks: Janet, Cindy, Sherri, Phil, Steve, Barry, Ashleigh, Taylor, Justin, Gordon, Elaine, Amy, Mason, Anne,, Bruce, Chestney&friend, Nicholas, Maggie, Anna, Brian, Abby, Braves management/players/fans/security/food/support staff, Tipsy Pig BBQ, Toledo Ticket Co., AmeriPark.

Swim meets at Georgia Tech, as seen on live Internet feeds.

Chocolate donuts from Publix.

Old Fulton County stadium wall.

Streets after streets of fracnchises streaking by, competing for disposable income.

0% chance of rain at 9 p.m.? I wanna be a TV weather forecaster.

Why do we say that time has a length?

GWTW @ 75.

Trivia games in-game.

During a heat wave.

Watermelon, salty pretzel, hot dog, ice cream, potato chips and Coke. Souvenir cup and baseball cap.

Individual demographic profile.

Local on the 8s.

Peace and quiet.

Truth and beauty.

Player of the game.

Fireworks.

Teffeteller vs. Jackson on Family Feud. Parcheesi and Oleo.

Anonymity.

Blurring of media.

Surgery, not snake bite.

Drawing circuits on flexible paper with a pen plotter using conductive ink. 3D plotting turning circuitry into artwork.

As you know, I come from an impoverished family

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Hey – still alive.  As far as joy juice (“general anesthesia”) goes – one moment I was looking around the operating room and an hour later, but felt like a second later, I woke up feel nauseated.  The only aftereffect has been my ability to keep a thought process going even though my body starts snoring off to sleep.
Here’s a link to procedures, including surgery, for removal of a ganglion cyst in the wrist area, similar to mine (although mine was arthroscopically excised).
WARNING: actual surgery images in video:
However, for me, Dr. Maddox I have to thank, seeing as he took care of other problems in my wrist area that I can’t detail here.
Suffice it to say that I owe a debt of gratitude to The Orthopaedic Center, Dr. Maddox and all the staff there.
= = =
On to a continuing subject: the difficult year of 2011, where I have to keep looking for the ultimate set of emperour’s new clothes to fashion for you.
= = =
  A successful banker, back on his college campus for a class reunion, visited his old economics prof, and picked up the current semester’s final exam.  “Holy smoke,” he exclaimed, “these are precisely the questions you asked our class fifteen years ago.  If you always ask the same questions, don’t you know the students will get wise, and pass them on from class to class?”
  “Sure,” answered the prof blandly, “but in economics, you see, we’re constantly changing the answers.”
= = =
Anyone read John Hyde Preston’s A Short History of the American Revolution that maintained the school stories of the Boston Tea Party were not what you think?  Even bunk?
= = =
Enough burning through a book of BC’s stuff.
= = =
The truth is where you want to find it.  Observe the sleeveless magician – anything up his skin?  In my working experiment, the U.S. defaults and starts an economic war not seen since you know when.  Are you profiteers interested in this or shall we chicken out for the umpteenth time and play reelection politics one more time?

Absolut Humour Clears Your Liver

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What do I do with all this salad flavouring?

Reading “How To Care For Yourself After Surgery” revealed clear instructions requiring the patient, me, to ‘cover [the affected area] with a light dressing.’

That eliminated my imported balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil.

Thousand island looks too much like some postsurgical…well, you get the picture.

Honey mustard is too sticky.

Ranch didn’t have the consistency I wanted.

I settled for blue cheese, thick enough to coat the surgical site and give the CRNP something to contemplate while removing the sutures next week.

Now, if I can just keep the cats away from the salad dressing, I’ll be all right.

In global business, I beseech the Pope, Dalai Lama, ayatollahs, tribal chiefs, Gandhi descendants, priests, preachers, psychologists, rabbis, professors, parents – all spiritual/moral/ethical leaders – to teach strong skills to young and old in resisting lies, cheats and stealth when conducting business within our family of seven billion people.

I can see what you’re doing. Not like it’s a secret.

In scenarios where the U.S. defaults on debt payments, the domino effect didn’t cause widespread panic for months.

What are we teaching the new generation?

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I ask the following what your elders taught you:

Were these your inspirational gurus?:

 

A look back.

Shearing Cat Shearer – Meow!!!

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If B&R ice cream is kosher, is the iPad 2 Catholic?

Thanks to Mayfield for switching away from high fructose corn syrup in their ice cream products.

I’m skipping the Norco today to let the post-surgery pain, light as it is, tell me how well I’m healing.

Would you let a radio talk show host convince you to let your country go into default and totally wreck the global economy?

There are levels of negotiation you do not observe directly.

There are those who don’t act like proper gentlemen and ladies when high-stakes gambling is involved.

Have you bet short against the market?

Are you stealing from the U.S. government in order to steal home?

It’s too easy to see what’s going on – until politicians adopt personal austerity measures, I’ll bet they won’t make the tough decisions that’ll benefit their aging constituents (i.e., likely voters) rather than themselves and their donors.

Ever wondered why corporations, PACTs, etc., have a greater voice in upcoming elections than voters?  Makes no sense to me.  But, hey, I’m just a human with one vote, rather than a bodyless, voteless corporate being backed by profitseekers.

The cycle of life?

Now, on to more important matters – decentralised power support structures, because the economies of scale have changed.  TVA, FP&L, PG&E, etc., have debt to cancel somehow – how do we retire these ol’ behemoths and move into the 21st century of efficient, locally sourced power supplies?

Time for afternoon meditation.

You want it forwards or backwards?

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At a Committee meeting last night, rain splattered on top of a cargo hauler.

In a room nearby, a quartet of one piano and three violins practiced the Mozart effect.

The Committee listened as I presented the future of zombie computer networks operating in automobiles whose drivers’ habits have been mapped, ensuring a 90-plus percent accuracy of node availability for using the vehicles to calculate a near 100 percent accurate and precise future.

All while generic Norco coarsely traced a course through my central nervous system.

Thanks to many: Deborah, Judy, CJ, Dr. Maddox the ballroom dancer, Surgery Center front desk experts, Cassie in serious profile, Chanda with the watch, Lori White in pink, Dr. Miller, Jessica (nearly a year marrired? or is she the one who visited Ketchikan?) and the rest of the professional staff who made my surgical procedure experience pleasantly memorable.

After undressing, receiving the EKG&IV, and enjoying the ride to the operating room, I looked at all the equipment (much stamped Stryker?), watched a person in blue try to slide a hook in a track on the ceiling, seeing my name and procedure written on a whiteboard, and woke up surrounded by more smiling faces.

It’s fun to pretend to be an innocent scared child facing adults who have well-practiced instructions on how to care for you, unlike the rest of real life.

Reminds me to ask what happens to all the stimulus junkie children when they have to wake up from their texting/gaming/videomakingviewing youth to create a viable means of support less dependent on constant/costly artificial stimuli.

I listened with the Committee to a presentation about breaking up Greece into corporate entities, much like city-states of old, where citizens get shares equal to their portion of the national debt which serves as their “vote” in the new system that they can accumulate or sell, increasing or decreasing their official voice/input to how the system works.

Now, I’ve got a backlog of computer analysed computer simulations to evaluate and compare to the Book of the Future.

After I sharpen my pencil…or my wit!

“Progressive Liberalist Party elects Al Franken and Barney Frank to oppose Obama in 2012 – Jerry Brown and Shakira admit defeat. Cuomo won’t commit to comment.”

“Al Gore accepts Green Party nomination, mulls VP choice – Jolly Green Giant or Smokey the Bear?”

“Google denies rumour of talks to buy GM/Monsanto/Caterpillar/ExxonMobil/BoA conglomerate.”

“FedEx sponsors fed gov’t building. New motto: ‘FedEx Supreme Court – we deliver judicial decisions to disrupt your lives overnight for truth, justice and the American fastfood life.'”

“Bud Selig banned for life from attending Dodgers’ games – more team owners may jump on bankruptcy/bannedwagon.”

“Williams sisters retire after losses at Wimbledon – start new careers as Myanmar rap stars with hit, ‘We’re so poor, our butlers can’t afford their own butlers no more'”

The Way of Piece

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Sunlight captured in decomposed organic material, wind, rain, radioactive rock, steam vents.

Solar power.

Undiscovered, yet-to-be invented energy sources.

“The Life Of The Party” by Bennett Cerf.

The memoirs of Richard Nixon.

Not getting the copy of the nurse response times that my wife asked for and recording other issues here for permanent record.

For my wife’s mother’s health.

Sketches at an inquisition.

Stained glass smiling…rather, beaming in the sun.

Jeff Gordon in 2nd place.

Redirecting the hacking community toward more nonanarchic goals.

Building up rather than breaking in.

The first hacker-launched communications satellite orbiting the Moon, with terabytes of space-hardened quantum computing power far outside international lawmaker infuences.

Last thoughts in this moment of a dying man’s states of energy.

Moving on.

23 and me.

Cloning disc.

Disc golf.

Exclusive news and offers.

Putting seven billion people to constructive use rather than spend all my energy shredding the global banking “industry” into its nonmaterialistically immaterial antiquated pieces.

Making derivatives and commodity futures – any speculative manipulation of basic goods-and-services prices – illegal again.

Either that, or motivate the crowd to foment revolution.

I can go any way I please, all in the name of saving the species for my goal of saving the species from itself and for its participation in spreading life of Earth into the cosmos.

Off the top of your head can you tell me the temperature of Mars 10, 20, or 100 killometers below the surface?

I’m tired and impatient.

Am I supposed to say I’m glad we have VCs who’ve made their gazillions by jacking up the cost of living for ignorant peasantry in order to fund startups that’ll hopefully create the next generation of peasants’ artificially-induced desirables?

[Note to editor: strike “peasantry” reference in the last paragraph and replace with “middle class” – tell business/political leaders’ speechwriters to do the same.]

The elders on the Committee remind me that I need to back off and let people have their dreams, no matter how misinformed or misdirected they may seem to be.

After all, I grew up cheering for Richard Petty – a guy who sat in a metal cage and pointed the output of an internal combustion engine so that the metal cage rolled primarily in semicircles several hours at a time – signing autographs and bringing happiness to people most of the week.

That, in itself, will not get me on a cruise around the Moon, but profits from the sale of idolising gear and spinoff technology will.

Best wishes and prayers for those who suffer ill effects of natural disasters, those who live in violence-prone neighbourhoods and those who face illnesses alone in loneliness.

Time to meditate.

Only 14,193 days left – time’s a’wastin’!