“This is Niles Arrogant with BBC News.  Today we are sitting down with ‘America’s Supercop’ to learn what he plans to bring to the UK…sorry, I mean to Great Britain, in order to restore order.  Good morning.”

“Good morning to you, Niles.”

“Tell me.  How does one become a ‘supercop’?”

“Well, it’s not easy.  I worked for the sheriff for years before I earned the respect of my fellow citizens.”

“I see.  And this sheriff, was he also a ‘supercop?'”

“I’m not exactly sure he’d call himself that.  Everyone just called him Andy.”

“Andy?”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as ‘Rocky’ or ‘Arnold,’ does it?”

“I don’t know why it should.  His name’s Andy, not ‘Rocky'”.

“We were told not to inquire about your name, in order to protect your privacy and allow you to operate ‘incognito,’ as you say in the States.”

“Shoot.  There’s no need for formality.  Just call me Barney, Barney Fife.”

‘”Barney Fife?’  That names rings a bell.  In any case, Mr. Fife, what skills shall you be teaching our elite British riot suppression squads?”

“Seriously, just call me Barney.”

“Yes, Barney.  But can you answer the question?  Or is evasiveness part of the job?”

“Aw, shucks, Niles.  I ain’t being evasive.”

“Call me Mr. Arrogant.”

“Sure thing.  See, over in Mayberry, we know who everyone is.  Of course, Andy and I…the sheriff and I, I mean, we keep our policing skills up.  But mainly, we depend on the honesty and integrity of the townspeople to tell us who done it.”

“So life is a simple matter of waiting for someone else to solve the ‘whodunit,’ as you call it?”

“Yes, sir.  We ain’t never had one unsolved crime in all the years the sheriff and I worked at Mayberry.”

“I see.  And how large is this metropolis of Mayberry that I don’t seem to recall hearing about in BBC world news?”

“Well…what, with Aunt Bea having passed on, Opie growing up and moving into the picture making business, the sheriff going off to make a TV show about lawyering, and… well, now that I think about it, Mayberry might’ve just plumb fallen off the map, altogether.”

“‘Mayberry might’ve just plumb fallen off the map’, you say?”

“I believe so.”

“Hmm… are you aware we have the 2012 Olympics coming up in London very soon?”

“Olympics?  Yeah, I read about it in the newspaper.  See, back in Mayberry, we don’t get many TV channels, so I know they show the Olympics on TV but I’m too busy studying.”

“Barney, are you familiar with the international gang activity in this part of the world?”

“Gang activity has gone international?  Well, I’ll be. The little boys with their gang clubhouse in the woods at the outskirts of town will be thrilled to know they ain’t the only gang around.”

“Are drugs, gunrunning and prostitution problems in Mayberry.  Or were they, before Mayberry disappeared?”

“They talked about that at the deputy sheriffs’ convention last summer.  But only in big, scary towns like New York City.  We don’t tolerate any mischievous behaviour in Mayberry.”

“I bet.  Barney, I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule here in London to clearly explain to us your extensive experiences that qualify you as ‘America’s Supercop.’  We look forward to Scotland Yard quickly cracking down on crime with your advice and assistance.”

“No problem, Mr. Arrogant.  I’m just glad to be here.”

“I bet you are.  Good day.”

“See ya.”

“This is Niles Arrogant reporting.  In our next segment, we’ll examine the upsurge of joy and elation that preceded a sudden surge of crime following the announcement of Cameron’s announcement that only ‘America’s Supercop’ could bring sense and sensibility back to the law abiding citizens of Great Britain.”

As the SEC potentially builds into a super-superconference, becoming stronger than the NCAA and eventually declaring the schools’ football programs official minor league teams not subject to the false good intentions of NCAA rules and not subject to the laws of an illegal entity called the USA, thus able to control college football as a true monopoly, we drop you into today’s story currently in progress.

Lee looked at the address.

A typical middle-class home.

Two parents.

Two point five kids.

A dog.

A cat.

An SUV and an ATV.

Lee wondered which one he’d pick this time.

The local bank that he contacted gave him free rein for his little holiday diversion.

On most of his business trips, Lee found museums and out-of-the-way eateries, sports venues and mountain hikes to distract him, keep him sane.

But on other trips, when he wanted something more, he’d work his network for a bigger thrill.

Loan sharks or pawn shops that had outstanding accounts to settle.

Banks that wanted to scare homeowners out of foreclosing or declaring bankruptcy.

Sometimes, all Lee wanted to do was rough up a person.

Appear out of nowhere, dressed in casual business attire, pretend to be whatever person made the target most comfortable….

And then attack!

Very often, his targets would show up in the news the next day as a victim of suicide, a result of too much pressure at work, the family knowing there were financial problems rarely discussed out loud, etc.

And Lee walked away a happy man.

An anti-hero doing his job.

Helping banks to keep neighbourhoods from turning into foreclosure nightmares.

Helping “personal loan consultants” get the message across.

“Mind control,” some would call it.

In the old days, he would’ve been labeled a hit man.

Not anymore.

These days, Lee could attack with a brush against a shoulder, a handshake, a hypnotising stare, or any number of subtle moves that turned the target into a marionette.

Which one this time?

Lee looked at the preteen boy.

Picked on at school.

Overweight.

A perfect target.

Lee walked past the boy as he stepped off the school bus.

They nodded at one another.

The next day the boy killed the phys ed teacher with a jumprope.

The bank president, offering her condolences, set up an appointment with the parents a few days later to discuss their mortgage delinquency and look over a few options to keep them in their home – maintaining the potential value of the house on the open market in the process – and sign a secret document guaranteeing that they would inform the bank if they heard any of their neighbours talk about foreclosure or bankruptcy.

In return, the bank would help finance the boy’s legal fees.

In a few years, Lee would stop traveling, having “graduated” past personal contact methods for influencing the actions of others.

Eventually, the planet would get too small for him and he’d move on to a bigger playground.

In the meantime, Lee laughed at the easiness with which he manipulated the UK prime minister into falling for the trap of creating folk heroes by evicting teenage children and their families from subsidised housing units.

With these folk heroes in place and evil geniuses spread around, including the Norwegian mass murderer and previous ones like Pol Pot, floating in people’s memories, Lee’s miniempire called Earth was the 3D chess set he always wanted as a kid.

Lee reported to the group that reported to the group that controlled the Committee.  He asked permission to change the codeword for the local planet from Earth to Rosebud.

When asked why, he said it was his private joke.

After replacing thuggery with subtlety, what was next for Lee’s source of fun entertainment?