INAM

What does it take — that is, how mature and sophisticated a civilisation — for one person to get a colonoscopy?

Will a colonoscopy increase or decrease my chances of developing arteriosclerosis and heart attacksObesity?

I’ve hit that magic age, past 50, where my medical healthcare professionals wish I get a colonoscopy.

Somewhere between the interests of an ENT doctor (general otolaryngology) and a urologist sits the giant worm of an internal body part that interests the gastroenterologist: a colon; not a semicolon.

In the near future, I will drink the fluid that contains the chemicals that encourage my gastrointestinal tract to flush itself clear of semisolids.

Then, under the dreamy, twilight world of anesthesia, I’ll submit my body to the medical procedure of being scoped for abdominal abnormalities.

Polyps, you say…not an ellipse in a solipsist?

“Polyps” sounds like the name of a GrecoRoman deity, the offspring of a Hydra and Cyclops, perhaps, or simply Polyphemus himself.

Ah, to lie there like a cadaver in medical school while poked, probed and analysed like a crashlanded space alien!

One can hardly wait for the experience, can one?!

Shall I put on my tinfoil hat and say, in a whispered conspiratorial voice, “You know, don’t you, that colonoscopies are the government’s way of attaching tracking devices to your body that can’t be easily removed by mere amateurs!”?

The fictional possibilities are fun to imagine.

There are millions of ways to die, including under anesthesia.

There are millions of ways to live the rest of your life as a vegetable, including having seizures under anesthesia.

How often does a scope perforate the GI tract?

How often does a GI tract reveal cancerous growths?

Even better, how often do colonoscopies reveal nothing out of the ordinary?

I’m placing my bets on common outcome of the last question.

And, after recovering from my twilight sleep, I hope my gut flora returns to its healthy state once again.

Now, if I can just change my dietary intake and lose a few stones while increasing my low-impact exercising!

How much pain are you willing to take to achieve your goal?

Looking at a map of planet Earth, Guinevere traced the ribbons, ellipses and circles of fresh water with her eyes.

Old riverbeds showed up unexpectedly.

Towns followed geographic terrain more often than not.

Military bases popped up in urban and sparse landscapes.

A single drop of water contained more living beings than could be counted in a single second.

Why does water cover the surface of the planet?

Why do we breathe air (low-humidity gas) instead of water?

Why is Russia such a large country and Africa a such a large continent of small countries?

So much water on one planet and practically none on another…sigh…

The blue orb of Earth shows little evidence of our species’ impact from the viewpoint of Mars.

Why did it take so long for us to get here, settling down to the business of putting Earth behind us and the galaxy ahead of us?

Just because of water?  That’s all?  That’s all there is to life?

Why is Greenland covered with so much frozen water?

Why is Mars not?

When did we learn to adapt dehydrated versions of ourselves to the Martian environment?

Doesn’t seem that long ago…

There once was a guy named Bill…

Usually, I find myself at company-sponsored leisure activities trying to figure out what I’m doing at company-sponsored leisure activities and why I’m thinking about why I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing at company-sponsored leisure activities, giving my thoughts an exercise in wondering, thinking and trying, but not always in that order.

Today, while just on the verge of creating an internal structure in the shape of mantra made of the above thoughts, up walked beside me a man named Bill.

I don’t know Bill well.  I know of him by reputation and through appearances at his company-sponsored leisure activities, he being a co-founder of the company that sponsored today’s leisure activities.

Bill is an honest man whom I trust implicitly and explicitly, without question.

As a member of the board of directors of his company, Bill is used to being in the public eye.

His health is as important to the company as it is to his family and him.

I looked at Bill’s face this morning, noticing that there seemed to be more blood flowing through his system — his face was redder than it was at the Christmas party but something else about his face concerned me.

His complexion was not as healthy-looking as it had been several weeks back at an American Heart Association walk sponsored in part by his company.

Turns out that Bill had subsequently suffered a viral infection and spent several days in the hospital to get his temperature back near normal after he had worked with a pile of mulch in his yard.

I could write several blog posts about the value of mulch.  In fact, my wife and I used to volunteer at the Huntsville Botanical Garden on Saturday mornings to collect monetary donations in exchange for loads of mulch dumped in the back of truck beds and small trailers, the mulch mainly composed of decomposed leaves and twigs scooped up alongside roadways after having been raked to the curb by homeowners in autumn.

Mulch and humus (not hummus (or humour (or vapors (or femurs)))) are valuable components of one’s garden.

One may wish to set up a mulch or compost pile that includes not only leaves and twigs but also kitchen scraps and other organic material.

Bill was not overly concerned about mulch’s benefits.

No, he had apparently picked up a virus that had hitched a ride in a pile of mulch and was wreaking (and reeking) havoc on his body.

Keep in mind that Bill had quadruple-bypass surgery not that long ago.  Within four days of the surgery, he could walk several miles so he’s not all that out of shape.

Bill looked me in the eye.

There was something more he wanted to share with me.

Bill pulled out his mobile phone and showed pictures of his new acquisition, a 1959 Corvette.

Instantly envious, despite initially thinking it was a Thunderbird, I leaned closer toward him.  What was so special about this car to Bill that he wanted to show the pictures to a complete stranger?

Bill said he had always wanted a Corvette.

Of course, our material dreams are often displaced by other priorities.

As Bill pointed out, the year after the last of his kids finished college, he put a swimming in his yard, along with deck.  He invited the kids over and asked them what they saw.  They saw a pool.  He corrected them — this was what their annual college tuition had been costing him and now he was spending it on something he and his now fully empty-nested wife wanted.

Of course, it was an investment the kids could enjoy, too.

Of course, of course.

But Bill still desired the Corvette.

Before he went in for the bypass surgery, Bill told his wife, “When I get out of this surgery, I’m going to buy myself a Corvette,” in part to give himself something positive to look forward to after such an ordeal, not really meaning it as much.

Well, his wife held him to his word, making sure he had recovered enough from the surgery to remind him of his promise to himself.

Bill found the Corvette online, located physically not far away in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

The car is not perfect, has been repainted and needs TLC — the soft top seal should be replaced, for instance.

At a distance, however, it looks brand-new.

Bill has a way to go to achieve the level of post-surgery health that will ensure he lives many years longer.

Unfortunately, the viral infection and hospital stay delayed his planned physical rehabilitation.

Bill’s honesty with others reaches his inner self, where he knows that he has neglected his bodily needs in order to sacrifice himself for the greater good, for the bigger community outside his immediate family and inner circle of influence.

For Bill, now is his time, time to devote to his wife and himself, to spend some selfish moments reaping the rewards of years of success and hard work.

Our lives are shorter than we think they will be.

Bill, you deserve these moments of happiness, of less stress, of giving your trust to the employees who continue the legacy you started.

Your Corvette and your Austin Healey 3000 kit with 350CI Chevy engine are ready for your full attention and fun-filled driving adventures.

Enjoy the open road, see the sites, revisit old hangouts and come back with tall tales about your new friends.

We’ll be here, waiting with virtual pen and ink in hand.

To your health, whatever you choose to do about it!

More translation fun:

Minister of Health goes to the fire place in the suburbs

Вероника Скворцова решила лично осмотреть психиатрическую больницу, при пожаре в которой погибло 38 человек Veronika Skvortsova decided to personally inspect the psychiatric hospital, a fire that killed 38 people

When you want to love a sport but it wants you to hate it, be a good sport and say goodbye!

Growing up, I was taught to be a motorsports fan and NASCAR was the motorsports of choice in my family.

My father took me, as a child, to “minor league” NASCAR races at the local track on Friday.

My grandfather turned the TV to national NASCAR races on Sunday after church.

As an adult, I attended open-wheeled racing events with Dad but NASCAR was still a common topic between us.

However, somewhere along the way, the people who run the show at NASCAR have turned me into a NASCAR hater.  I really dislike watching the event on TV and have grown tired of the noise at a live race.

I used to enjoy rooting and rallying enthusiasm for my favorite drivers but then, somewhere along the way, the fans started yelling at each other and booing their least favorite drivers.

It was enough to turn me off from the whole show.

Then the NASCAR organizers decided to up the hate even more, pretending the races were some kind of real sport and technological regulatory nightmare in return.

So, I stopped watching.

I was glad that Richard Petty, Alan Kulwicki and Jeff Gordon were my favorite drivers.

Now, it doesn’t matter.

The headlines that pop up showing yet another female driver being a “maverick” on the racetrack or the attempt to create another non-stock-car variant of racecar turn me further from even thinking about paying attention to the driver standings or watching the races.

But they do get me to comment about my lost childhood and the joy of cheering for both local and national drivers.

C’est la vie, NASCAR.  Adios. You oversold the concept of bland racecars and pretty-boy/girl drivers — the empty seats show that those of us with limited incomes have more interesting things to do with our time and money than support your infighting and pretense with setting your rules and then proving your worth by punishing innovation within your ranks.

Richard Petty was right.  The stock car died a long time ago and would eventually take NASCAR down with it.

I laugh in your face and spit on your so-called sport. Ptooie!

Is AT&T losing customers to Verizon in north Alabama?

The pulsing migraine headache that has dogged me from the moment I was born is pulsating “louder” than ever today.

I am screaming in my thoughts in order to be heard, using alliteration as method to contain the contagion of madness that wants to spread into the rest of my body.

Using old tricks of my youth to hide my insanity from the rest of the world — running through vocabulary words in any language to keep myself connected with the society into which I was born and am expected to communicate in a legible manner.

The litany of voices I hear and read wants to repeat itself here through the funhouse mirror/brilliant cut crystal ball of a writer.

…the dance instructor I just met who tells me her whole life story in a few minutes — married, divorced, miscarriages, births, lack of silliness, not a girl, not interested in guys, Western Swing dance champion who prefers Balboa dance style, etc., like she has been through this interrogation by strangers a million times and learned to push people away quickly, or…what?

…on social media: the animal rescue posts — please rescue this dog/cat before it’s euthanised, pitbulls aren’t dangerous, found a cat with kittens in a back alley that need to be adopted, etc.;  the gun owners who feel threatened by government regulations and must let us know their fears through LOUD STATEMENTS EVERY DAY; the people who claim they are loving devotees of their religion but they relentlessly post hateful comments about others (Christians against Obama, Buddhists against overcrowded cities, etc.).

So, in my mental confusion, I put a paper bowl filled with water, oatmeal and ground-up flax seed in the microwave oven, set the timer for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and, after taking a shower, I returned to find I had made dried oatmeal/flax seed cakes instead of a bowl of hot cereal.

Happiness!!!

The universe entertains me constantly, poking me in the side and saying, “See? Isn’t life beautiful? You didn’t burn oatmeal, you made yourself the handheld dried oatmeal cake you’ve always dreamed of eating on the commute to work for years, didn’t you?”

Despite the boring moments between eventful events, while setting up the next scenario to snag the snaggle-toothed snagosaurus, life is, indeed, beautiful.

Surprising, no?