When your spouse tells you it’s either her or your friends and you’ve got 43 years of your 55 years of your old life invested in the friendship with your spouse…

The decision isn’t ending up as easy as it should…sigh…

I’ve waffled (?) back and forth for over a year now.

I’ve gone off on fictional character splits to examine the future value of a new life with my friends vs. the old life with my wife.

If only it was something as simple as falling in love with another person, I could just say I was moving on…

But it’s not that…

It’s loving the internal version of myself that I so desperately want but don’t have the balls to handle.

Financially the decision to be my truest self would be a disaster for me. At least at first.

And I’ve seen others put their self fulfillment ahead of financial security, living paycheck to paycheck the rest of their lives.

I can’t talk to my closest friends about this because I’m having to make decisions that involve them as well as the fact most of them are women and another decision I’m trying to make is whether I should seek a compatible mate with whom I could conceive and jointly raise offspring.

Why do I have to put values on any of the people I know?

For once, I can’t stick my ostrich head in the sand and write myself out of this situation (yeah, I know, ostriches can’t read and write).