Reminder: April 1st is National Male Pattern Baldness Awareness Day, which kicks off the 3-day telethon to raise money to continue spreading the awareness in hopes that a cure will not be necessary once Female Pattern Baldness Awareness Day is universally accepted.

Politicians fulfilled their promise and posted legislation five minutes before they voted and approved new rules that classify investigative journalism, or any activity that resembles such, as a federal crime under the Stalking, Terrorism, Usury, Peering, Investigation and Dependency, or STUPID Act.

Paparazzi were rounded up by the thousands and crammed together in tiny Gitmo Bay cells.  Celebrities cheered, not realising how much free advertising they just gave up in exchange for privacy.

TMZ cried foul.  The whole staff was arrested on grounds that protesting the potential of getting arrested is suspicion of violating the STUPID Act.

Grocery store magazine shelves were declared illegal and destroyed.

Students with webcams and mobile phones, with or without builtin camera, were placed under house arrest for violating both the stalking and dependency clauses of the STUPID Act.

Crowds gathered outside jails to celebrate the arrest and immediate conviction of bankers under the usury clause of the STUPID Act.

Lobbyists, PAC owners and payday loaners have retained all available lawyers not busy representing parents, children, mobile phone carriers, bullies, astronomers, PIs, police detectives, CSI employees, television executives, PC software company employees, scientists and quality control inspectors.

Meanwhile, Qaddafi has put the belongings of the Lockerbie Bomber for sale on the Terrorism Hero auction site to raise money to protect his shrinking empire.

Amenandjihad kept silent one more day, waiting for his spy network to identify future denizens to serve as important peons supporting the new United States of Arabia that will incorporate itself as the latest embodiment of the Ottoman Empire, hoping to rival the EU and the USA for a domestic market that serves the networked BRIC empire.

Political pundits are taking bets that after a female takes office in 2012 whether the former ruler will offer to serve as prime minister of the new USA.

The Committee set up a 3D chess set to commemorate the anniversary of the creation of the character of Spock on Star Trek.

DNA scientists were able to prove the genetic relationship between Michael Schumacher and the Busch brothers.

Steve Martin and Joan Rivers announced they secretly married at the funeral for Elizabeth Taylor, setting a new standard in Hollywood entertainment.  We’d post exclusive video of the wedding but officially say we know nothing about its existence due to our patriotism and dedication to obeying the STUPID Act.