With only 13,850 days to go until the next major milestone is reached (there, of course, are bonuses should we complete any of the many minor assignments for the milestone ahead of time), let us look at the theories of the day and ponder their implications…

In previous decades, we could ruin the reputation of guns-for-hire or “secret agents” by outing them — exposing their homosexual trysts/relationships through a mass media leak.

Times have changed.

It takes more than outing a spy to turn the spy into a criminal.

These days, we have to claim the operative is a cannibal.

Hey, go with the flow.  If zombie films and zombie apocalypse shows on the tellie are popular, then take advantage of the zeitgeist and make spies zombies amongst us.

That’s why we turned a “Canadian” agent into a flesh-carving and eating zombie.

It would have been a lot easier to send photos of him with his Chinese boyfriend, a double agent himself, to a television talking head but *YAWN* the producers would have said, “So what?,” and parked the pics in the morgue.

Instead, hire a body-double, stage an Internet viral video or two, send a few body parts to government offices and next thing you know you’ve turned a useless rogue agent into a grotesque mockery of a good cover story of a porn star trying to infiltrate the snuff film industry.

Thing is, we in the government are a little short of cash right now.  Anyone want to buy the film rights to this soon-to-be blockbuster quadrilogy that makes the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo look like a baby’s bedtime story?

James Bond may like fisticuffs but our new fictional psychopathic agent will do whatever it takes, including consuming his victims, to serve Queen and Country.

“O Canada, we stand on guard, we stand on guard for thee…”

Meanwhile, in a test of the possible terrorist spread of tropical disease (Chagas, etc.), we released genetically-modified bedbugs into luggage traveling through busy airports — Denver, Munich, Beijing, and Moscow (we tried London but their security is locked down tight ahead of the Queen’s rainy reign anniversary and the 2012 Olympics).

We tracked the bugs, which are invisible, pure black boxes, under UV and infrared light, only visible through the radiation detectors installed in popular mobile phones, to see how reasonable to believe such a terrorist threat could be.

Strangely enough, we’ve caused a quiet epidemic of dandruff.

Ahh…the unintended effects of a fielded theoretical experiment.

We don’t dare tell you what happened to the irradiated fibers we placed in bus and train seats last year…