Why Does My Back Hurt All The Time?

Let me count the ways.  I guess it’s in my imagination?

To one reader, I can find no information to confirm or deny your rumour that Lorne Michaels and Seth Meyers are lovers, which would, to you, explain why Seth was kept so long as an SNL regular and unable to find longterm comedy work with any other outlet.

To the reader who sent me a diagram of “city maps ” of the world’s soap operas, which show a secret passageway that links them all together and thus proves that aliens are soap opera stars, let me get back to you at a later date.  My sides are hurting from laughing at a joke you probably wouldn’t get.

Trees and other chlorophyll-processing beings are picketing the lab where stem cell research has resulted in an artificial leaf.  They have hired a legal team to pursue declaring this new device an affront to natural life and thus offensive.  In other words, they cleared a place in a forest, cutting themselves down into a formation that reads, “THIS IDEA STINKS!”

Crop circle theorists released a statement saying aliens are behind the latest protests by trees.

Why can’t we all just get along?

Reality keeps getting in the way!

Live! From Farmington, NY, it’s ‘Who Was A Previous Contestant?’ Night!

While walking to the end of a street to understand why two houses are built on the property at 514 Mohawk Road, trying to determine the covenant/neighbourhood agreement concerning construction projects, it occurred.

It?

Yes, it is what it is.

The awful, dreaded word that hangs in the back of the throat of any [North American] English teacher trying to convince students to think and write more creatively, succinctly and specifically.

Then the band nerd walked into the picture.

What is it about that image?

Thing?

No.

That?

No.

It?

Yes.

Semi-professional game show contestants.

It is a subclass all its own.

You don’t need a degree in geotechnical terminology.

The school of hard knocks or Imagineering will do.

I ought to know.  My cousins, aunt and uncle starred on “The Family Feud” many moons ago.

Once you’re part of the system, you’re it.

The next big thing.

“IT” in bright lights at the top of the cinema marquee.

More important than a marquis.

Marked for life.

In front of the camera rather than the staff of anonymous faces behind it.

A mover and a shaker.

A veritable moviemaker.

From then on, you’re the big cheese, the rumble in the concrete jungle, the jingle singer, the single jangle, the bauble, the bangle and the face that inspires the candlestick lighter.

You ask Franklin Graham to produce the names of people he says are controlling your government’s leaders.

You ask, “Is this it?”

It is.

Must be, ’cause Putin’s in Serbia and W’s making the speaker circuit pay dividends.

It.

I. T.

Information technology?

Could be.

What’s next?

Bangladesh.

Bang the desk!

Have we diverted you long enough to complete a task under your nose so we can let you get back to the last news item that seemed so important at the time?

Yes, we have.

There’s always something else that’s it.

Of course, that’s it!

You didn’t think that iron ore mine would last forever, did you, Fe Maiden?

Every Lord of the Flies concedes defeat at the feet of the next ruthless leader.

We cheer for the power of the people but’s it’s the law of the jungle that rules us all.

Will your government ever balance the books or keep cooking them on a backburner?

Guess what – tag, you’re it!

Ou est le DSLAM?

Kernels of burning clutch smoke cling to my nostrils.

Another list, of last night’s auction winnings: shamrock trio pillowcase set, St. Patrick’s Day party pack (handcrafted St. Patrick’s Day wreath and party supplies, assortment of homemade breads (compliments of UCP special instructor Amelia Hardin) featuring fresh Irish Soda, sourdough, multigrain, and cinnamon roll, case of Killian’s Irish Red beer, 54 images of Ireland playing card set and basket), homemade breads gift set (Katie O’Reilly’s Irish Soda Bread mix, Irish blessing/Celtic cottage bread warmer by Seneca Ceramics, bread by Amelia and basket), Memphis Mania weekend getaway package, Dinner & Dancing Lessons package, carrot cake by Ellen’s Creative Cakes, scripture hand towel set (featuring Joshua 24), and flower pot of blooming shamrocks.

Thanks to the band, Bourbon and Shamrocks, the dancers, Jerry Hayes and others like Casey and Nancy, Holiday Inn veteran of 3 years, and police officers keeping the streets safe for sober drivers (sober than what, I ask).

Humour in another blog soon (behind-the-scenes mishaps at a basketball tournament, perhaps, in the style of Corman/Altman?).

A nod to the Elgars and Ives of the world. A young friend asked, “Why is the leader of France named So-crazy?” Rhetorical, once again! Bars/pubs take bets on the eye action of Pat Sajak. “Shot of Jack when Sajak jacks his chin down.”

Aquarius in Aquariums Mounted in Terraria Firma

Our fortuneteller on staff wants to pass on apologies from the Reagans for causing the large earthquake off the coast of Japan – during a during/after life plotting session coordinated by their astrologer, they were experimenting with changing Earth’s orbit for an event several thousand years from now and tried to avoid affecting people but it’s not an exact science.

Microorganisms are not amused by the news, having lost tens of trillions today with no sympathy from our species.

Personally, I send my prayers and best wishes for acceptance of the pain and suffering in the hours, days and years after this tragic event.  I can only barely imagine what the recovery effort and mourning does to one’s and one’s subcultural psyche.

Makes me wonder why we obsess over television shows about crime scenes – are we so confident that we won’t stop murdering one another we don’t blink an eye when making murder a glorious celebration of acting/marketing/advertising?

Sure makes me question the value of human life.

Spend tens of thousands and sometimes millions of dollars on the investigation and legal pursuit of one murder[er] yet an earthquake and tsunami that kill hundreds of people get less news coverage because they’re not marketable enough (they prove too close to the surface of our thoughts that we are little more than ants crawling across this planet, I suppose; murders within our species we can plan, prevent and/or prosecute!).

In times like these, what can a spiritual leader do for you that friends, family and your guru/sports psychologist can’t?

They say Zeus is ready to take over from Saturn now.

Question is, are you ready?

Has the Dalai Lama prepared for his spiritual transformation?

Have you?

T’eories, Theories and Kyrie

On the personal Internet music station today:

Songs composed by Claude Goudimel and his contemporaries.

Did I not tell myself 2011 would be a difficult year for me?

Where in the cycles of repetition do I place the inconstant self?

A man of the cloth told me that all the answers to life can be found in the work of holy religious writing.

I’ve read many a religious text and found they usually pose more questions than answers, leaving a space between the silence for the unanswerable to give meaning to individual lives that seek meaning.

For those who do not seek, ready paths have been trailblazed, beaten and clearly marked for easy passage.

There is no right answer.

John Cleese once found meaning in the form of income for entertaining those in the business realm.

Can I give myself such meaning, too, and feel unique knowing that I am bringing my self’s sense of humour, although repetitious like any other, to those who may not have heard and/but/or may appreciate the comic approach to learning more in the world of modern barter exchange?

Beef up dry presentations with humour-tinted insight?

All I’m going to do is die.

Every one of us has a fun side that may seem extraordinarily quirky but is the same as others who are just as reticent to speak their “crazy” thoughts.

Otherwise, we wouldn’t have comic strips, late-night comedy talk shows, stations on the tellie dedicated to humour or websites galore expounding on serious but funny subjects.

These blogs are my textual comic strips, twisting philosophy and religion into satirical braids, leading us toward a future wrought with uncertainty but having fun running blind and headstrong into the unknown, no matter how laid-back or high-strung we may fear we be.

At almost 49, my biological clock is beating me over the head.

The path branches here in 2011 and I must choose.

Follow the loops that are long enough to make me forget I’ve commented on the same scenery repeatedly, or…

Step onto a path covered with undergrowth that hides a layer of ice on which I must tread and never know if it is too thin to hold me up or thick enough to stomp upon when I feel like making a scene.

Meanwhile, asking myself why I fear that I will stop being myself in making a new choice although I have never stopped being myself, even when I have immersed myself in the waters dancing to someone else’s tune.

This is the year of my 25th wedding anniversary and it appears a large portion of the money set aside for an anniversary celebration will be spent improving the health of a 12-1/2 year old cat.

Sure, my wife has a job but, by not touching my retirement savings, I am essentially flat broke, having sworn a private oath of poverty in 2007 in order to spend years clearing my thoughts of 45 years of unusable, accumulated civil dust and debris, working an odds-and-ends job once a year to make a little money (e.g., census taker, teacher, technology tester and website creator).

The Ides of March are upon us, in this, my pivotal year of 2011.

You’ll never know how many of these words are real and how many are figments of your imagination.

In other words, these words are the future.

All I can do is continue being me, composing jazzy bluegrass riffs and odes to Renaissance melodies.

The game show “Jeopardy” upped the stakes – the clues will now reference previous clues, both for current shows in progress and previous shows.

“Kris, it’s your turn.”

“‘Step to the Right’ for $2000, please, Alex.”

“In the first round, third column, ‘Time Warp Again,’ the $400 level, the fifth word in the answer is an anagram for this question.”

“I don’t remember.”

“‘What is “nag a ram”?’ The word anagram was actually part of the answer, if you remember.

Kris, it’s still your turn.”

“‘Jump to the Left’ for $1600.”

“On July 16th, 2003, the Final Jeopardy answer was Anna Magdalena Bach.  Name the only person who got the answer right.  For a $5000 bonus, name the total amount of daily winnings for all three participants.”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry you don’t remember, Kris.  After all, you were voted ‘most likely to succeed’ by the Jeopardy Fan Club Forum.  Anyone else?  No?  The answer is ‘What if there was no winner because that day’s last five minutes was lost due to a video glitch?’  It’s the only day that ever happened, famous to most Jeopardy fans watching today’s show, I’m sure.

A little nervous, Kris, aren’t you?  Bet the fans at home are filling the forum with posts giving you a new nickname you’ll never forget.  Fame is fleeting, Kris, so enjoy whatever they’re saying about you now because, with time, they’ll forget about you.

Few people can tell you the name of the host of the original Jeopardy.  I’ll be forgotten soon myself but enjoyed the ride as a spy and propagandist for the Canadian government.”