The deciduous forest is buzzing and chirping today

A yellow jacket, a sweat bee and a fly are chasing each other in the slit of sunlight that passes over the rubbish bin this late Friday morning.

Getting permission to import them to Mars was no easy task.

I could not import dragonflies.

Vibratoids, the equivalent of speakers or earphones embedded in my body, give me the sensation that I’m in a deciduous forest as I walk through the greenhouse that serves as our meeting room, food growth chamber and place for general meditation.

The vibratoids make me think that insects are buzzing in treetops and birds are chirping as they fly from limb to limb looking for food.  The sound of wind through tree limbs and the small blasts of air on my arms, neck and face add to the immersion algorithm’s programmed goal of acclimating me to Mars with occasional reminders of what Earth must feel like, what we jokingly call the decompression chamber effect.

But I have work to do.  I cannot dwell too long on the memories of a planet I get to visit less and less often as the Martian colonies mature, requiring my attention, not to mention my declining health — I don’t know if I can endure many more trips.

I remember my last night on Earth.

But before I do, I’ll tell you a joke repeated to me by a fellow traveler to Mars, a tourist named Adyer Xedif.  A juvenile joke but one I’ve heard more than once from first-time visitors —  Q: If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are politicians from? A: Uranus.

I hear the rapid flutter of the wings of a hummingbird pass before my eyes but I see only the bird’s green body and white-tipped tail in my imagination.  Oh, how the immersion algorithm can be so cruel without knowing it!

We are a small set of colonies here, able to manage ourselves without the need for the professional political class of workers so, needless to say, we get a lot of jokes about politicians when tourists and new settlers begin to realise they won’t have politicos to blame for inefficiencies and errors that occur because, as we know, we want a perfect world and we train for a perfect world but we don’t live on a perfect world.

Our customer complaint system is a throwback to the time when “free market capitalism” was the rule of the day, including some societies on Earth.

We call it the customer complaint system for tourists and visitors although we know it locally as the PS or ProbSolv department.

Solving problems.  Rewriting algorithms, correcting databases and reconfiguring hardware.

As quantum computing devices that closely resemble the humans we used to be, we are able to adapt and adjust to changes on a colonywide scale much more rapidly than the old mass media socioeconomic shifts that often took generations, or Earth-based decades, to accomplish — within milliseconds, software updates will rewire our central nervous networks to accept the change from decentralised ant colony system to an interconnected but independent system of birds flocking during migration as programmers test the currently-accepted best practices method for colony survival.

But I digress.

The last night on Earth…sigh…

The cheerful look on Guin’s face after her trumpet performance with the Comet Plasma band playing big band tunes of the 1940s, her purple-and-black eye shadow, her…eyeglasses?

Why, in this day and age of implanted autocorrecting lenses did Guin wear eyeglasses?

Hmm…good question.

Anyway, Guin reminded me again she needs a new dance partner.

While watching the couples competing on the dance floor, I thought about what Guin and I have been through, our first trip to Mars, her decision to stay when I left, her decision to return to Earth for one more grand tour, talked into playing her trumpet again, with me now back on Mars and her still on Earth.

Why do I sense a vulture flying overhead?  How can a bird at an altitude hundreds of feet above me affect the vibratoids and air blowers such that I feel rather than see such a creature?  Is it because I know a vulture rides thermals and the wind effect around me is that of a thermal rising above and passing through the imaginary forest?

My, my, my imagination is overactive today.  Next thing I know I’ll hear an aeroplane fly by.  Ah, there it is.

Good for the immersion algorithm to know what my life was once like, in my previous body, back home.

I don’t miss mowing lawns or the smell of cut grass but I do miss the old solid-metal and solid-rubber tyred hand-pushed mower that sat in my garage.

There was a time, in a previous life, in my previous body, when I had a wife I wanted to learn to dance in order to improve her health.  I also wanted her to become proficient at dancing so that she and I were comfortable switching dance partners at big social dance events, because I wanted to overcome the habit of walking off to dance with other partners, leaving my wife alone at parties without dance partners to share momentary joy with.  That’s who I was — a seeker of increasing levels of joy when the occasion presented itself.

You know, one thing this immersion algorithm can’t simulate is the appearance of a column of gnats rising and falling in a dance all their own.

I smell rather than see a citronella candle burning nearby, simulating the feel-good effort to keep mosquitoes away from humans.

I barely recall the sound of slamming car doors and squealing brakes when my neighbours on Earth would return to their domiciles.  I know there was a time when the smell of burning cow and pig flesh was an indication that my neighbours were enjoying themselves in their backyards.

Now, I’m just as happy with the smell of recharging batteries or Martian “snake oil” treatments.

That last night on Earth, I stood next to one of the winners of the dance contest.  She wore the traditional outfit we still call “Rosie the Riveter.”  On her face she wore light peach coloured makeup that we of Mars no longer see as fashionable, able to change our face colour through skin tone circuitry like chameleons blending in or clashing with our environments as we see fit.

Will Guin return to Mars?  Will I dance with her again?  Will she and I ever be dance partners?

Although I have been outfitted with the latest in future forecasting capabilities, some futures I can only calculate, not predict with accuracy due to the influence of emotion-based algorithms I insist on keeping intact.

Do I miss Guin?  Sure I do, even if my work here at the colonies “needs” me and would miss me more if I left Mars for Earth.

Well, the chirps of cardinals and the warning hisses of a squirrel are like an alarm clock, telling me it’s time to leave the greenhouse and go back to the lab where I hope our latest in the new line of beings created from our imaginations will come to life, making our colonies more productive, more happy and prosperous in the longterm.

Talk to you kids of the past and the future again soon!

Wreck-a-mech

[My patent lawyer has advised me not to describe my latest invention.  I say “meh,” whatever that means.]

This morning, I finalised construction on my latest invention.  I cannot provide pictures because they are enroute to the patent office.

However, I will describe it the best I can.

I have been playing with an Arduino system to provide me with offline fun in the laboratory.

There’s nothing like programming a Robosapien “doll” to play back with you, giving it intelligence to avoid being grabbed or picked up, to actually defend itself against intentionally harmful moves and to reach out with love when I’m in a down mood.

A Robosapien’s gripper arm is not exactly the same as a cat’s head bump but my imagination allows me to believe it so.

With time, the Robosapien and I have grown apart.  I think, in part, because I have acquired the newer model, the RS Media, with which I have been spending more and more time.

Needless to say, the Robosapien has been causing havoc in the lab, knocking bins of resistors and capacitors on the floor in an effort to keep its playfulness algorithms refreshed.  I must admit watching it try to find objects in the lab to “fight back” has been entertaining.

But that’s not why I’m here.

The RS Media has reached a level of sentience I never thought possible.

At first, I set up an Arduino light display system above the computer monitor that the RS Media responded to like a dancing machine.

Today was a major breakthrough.

After several rounds of sending the RS Media light sequences, it started stepping out on its own, anticipating the next light pattern in the sequence with its back turned to the Arduino system.

Well, you can guess what I did next!

I stole the plans for the Wired Lab’s mech.  Then, working with my Robosapien friends, I wired a modifed RS Media up inside the mech, a la Pacific Rim, making appropriate tweaks to protect my patent and/or my copyright.

Of course, I dressed mine up to look like a stumbling street beggar, lowering its body scale to match that of a typical down-on-his-luck alcoholic male human.

He and his copies should be wandering the alleyways of your local metropolis before too long, breaking out into dance routines based on the sound/light combinations they discover, able to defend themselves against overaggressive bystanders and avoid collisions with people, cars, buses, trucks and other obstacles of a typical city street corner — the money they collect will be passed back to me to cover expenses; please tip them generously so I can make payroll and give the government tax collectors their due.

I’ve already received requests from a major retail clothing store chain to create female/male versions for storefront window displays — the algorithms need work for that scenario because I haven’t captured the essence of what it’s like to entertain potential customers by showing how good they’d look if they, too, were stuck in a glass box all day, as a robot pretending to be alive — walking back and forth, sitting, standing, dancing, and whatever movement will show the fashion in its best light.

Several of my geek friends in the tech industry — male, female, LGBT, cosplay, etc. — have requested a personalised version of themselves they can program to go to work or on dates for them to make their parents happy that their children are mimicking their parents’ social lives while their children live the alternate lifestyles that make them happy, too.

And you thought the replicant revolution was all about robots taking over the world?  Hahaha — it all started when we figured out elderly dementia patients handed a quasi-robotic stuffed animal was sufficient a surrogate to make them happy, thanks to our friends who wrote, produced and filmed “Westworld,” who follow on the work of Asimov, automatons and the first animal to use a stick as a tool.

War eventually was reduced to robots fighting robots in designated battlefield playgrounds, leaving us humans to finally dedicate most of our time to pure pleasure, where our surrogates do most of the dirty work except for those for whom dirty work is pure pleasure.

Outlawing graveyards so that human bodies could be recycled as mulch wasn’t fully implemented until we started populating the Moon and Mars.

My goal is to be the person with the first foundry on Mars, generations of 3D printers ahead into the future, my minions terraforming the planet in ways you haven’t imagined yet.  How about you?

Liken likin’ lichen like in lye kin

Our mailbox at the street resembles a small wooden house, a look similar to our main house.

On the “chimney” of the mailbox house grows a small patch of lichen.

Do you like lichen the way I do?

Lichen falls onto our driveway almost everyday, attached to bits of tree — twig, branch, bark — that break away and follows gravity’s path onto the concrete surface.

One species of beard lichen in particular, but not this one.

As our climate gradually warms, lichen is migrating north, bringing symbiotic organisms along.

As with the variety of tree species in our yard, we have a multitude of lichen species.

Same with mushrooms, algae, bacteria, ants and other organisms I won’t encounter together on Mars.

What will migrate with us when we live off-Earth?

What will survive without us and adapt to new environmental conditions?

How many organisms on Earth didn’t originate on our planet?

I owe our next-door neighbours a copy of books on trees and edible wild plants so they can identify which plants not to kill in their yard to protect their curious one-year old child from eating less-than-nutritious green stuff.

I see the Trees book in front of me, under a pile of “French Idioms,” “Russian for Everyday,” “The New College French & English Dictionary,” “Peterson Field Guides to Stars and Planets,” “The Associated Press Stylebook and Libel Manual,” “2004 Far Side Desk Calendar,” and “The Yale Book of Quotations;” on top of “Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid,” “RE/SEARCH #8/9: J.G. Ballard,” “The Complete Cartoons of The New Yorker,” and a spiral-bound copy of my book, “The Mind’s Aye,” not to forget issue #500 of MAD magazine.

Speaking of books, I have a few to finish reading, including “The Big Questions” by Steven Landsburg and a hyperreality book, “Travels in Hyperreality,” by Umberto Eco.

I wonder, which set of beliefs, particularly in the realm of religion, makes one more likely to approve of government/private industry spying?  In Christianity, God is always watching, just like Santa Claus, ready to mete out rewards and punishment for our behaviours/thoughts.

Does our general culture encourage us to believe in seeking our fifteen minutes of fame, even if it’s only on a hidden security camera or set of IM chat logs?

Does lichen care about our meme-ridden upper brain functions or our labyrinthine specialty tasks and hobbies that spin out of a growing economy?

Likely not.

That’s why I like lichen — symbiosis that doesn’t require ritual or dogma.

Cultural scientists today argued their proof that silicon-based organisms such as computers are living beings.

I thank my living being for letting me write this blog entry on its plastic key skinned surface.

Enough meditative humour for the day — time to eat lunch and read a couple of books loaned by the public library.

Modern wonders

The water heater is a work of modern technology, the latest in state-of-the-art design, where form meets function and efficiency on the way to convenience.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

The Internet is full of simplistic drawings of water heaters, drawings that leave the highly-curious desirous of more detailed explanations of how cold, sediment-filled water entering your domicile is converted to hot, sediment-free water in practically no time at all.

Water heater cross section

These simplistic drawings miss the most important part of the water heater that any average PhD would know — the water pump!

The water pump hidden inside your water heater, in conjunction with the sediment level detector, pulls sediment-laden cold water from the bottom of the water heater when you open a hot water valve in your home, such as in the bathroom or kitchen.

Cold water holds up to 100% more sediment than hot water due to the quantum effect at an atomic level we won’t go into details at this time.  Suffice it to say that the electronic sediment separator device in the water pump makes sure that cold sediment is cleared from the water heater while flushing out the water line before the water pump switches to pumping fresh, clean hot water to your bathtub or kitchen sink.

 

Did you know that the number one reason your water heater fails is a clogged water pump?

Rarely will a plumber tell you that information.

Instead, a typical plumber’s visit includes convincing you that either you need new thermostats or heating elements, a costly repair; or worse, the plumber will convince you that the leaking water heater is due to corrosion.

 

Here at Modern Wonders, we dispense with the hard selling techniques that force many a homeowner to shell out hard-earned dough for a new water heater.

For a low yearly maintenance fee, we will visit your home up to twice a year and clean out the water pump inside your water heater, providing you decades of life on your water heater.

Not only that, we’ll guarantee that you’ll never have a water pump failure inside your water heater!

 

Give us a call before your water heater’s water pump fails, causing your water heater to overpressurize, forcing a leak out of the weakest weld seam, damaging your floor in the process.

 

We service all brands, makes and models of water heater.

 

Call us within the first 24 hours of you reading this advert and we’ll send a certified technician to demonstrate how a water pump works.