Machiavel, serenissimi regis

…or, megachurch as small-town surrogate.

…or, when the devil’s your king, there’s hell to pay.

…or, Shopping Malls: the last deserted cathedrals of the Capitalist religious order.

Lee’s clones performed a mandatory simultaneous reboot and resynchronisation to the atomic cycles that aligned the arcsecond sweep through space of Mars equivalent to one day on Earth, a compromise reached that negated a natural sol and replaced it with the 24-hour period that Earth tourists were familiar with.

Lee was neither a single clone nor the sum total of his clones.

Instead, his “personality,” or running set of states of energy that combined local events observed from a multitude of angles — orbiting satellites, the sensors on nearby clones, his clone’s internal/external sensors and the ISSA Net’s constant calculations of predicted moments ahead — was spread throughout the planets and other celestial bodies of the inner solar system.

One of his clones greeted Guinevere.

“Hello, Guin.  How goes?”

“Dust-free, my friend.”

“Where now, brown cow, the touristables?”

“Touring.”

“With Turing?”

“Clones cloning.”

“Clowning around?”

“Algorithms churning.”

“Super.”

They bumped eyeballs, momentary stares that exchanged conditions of waterless growing fields sipping tiny wisps of Martian air for growth.

“Lee, it’s a blue shirt day.”

“History says today there was a time when it was 13504 days until another time.”

“Yesterday?”

“A toe-tapping day ago.”

They crouched down and leapt into the air, extending appendages, swirling, twirling, twisting pretzels visible for kilometers.

They landed, smiling.

“Is gravity a drag or…”

She finished his sentence, “…is the density of air that dense?,” quoting the lyrics of a new song.

They spoke because the echoes in their head gear sent sensational vibrations down their spines.  Otherwise, preconscious thinking was so much faster and more efficient.

“Keep the tour-bots happy.”

“Happy tourists, happy tou-tou-tou-tourettes!”

Lee looked at the empty tourist centre, waiting to be repurposed.

Lee hated waste.

Guinevere loved recycling.

Same thing, like kings and pawns, two-sided labels and shopping bags.

Another of Lee’s clones spent the day breathing pure methane as an experiment with his chemically-reconfigured body.  He died, a waste that was recycled quickly as fertilizer.

Low gravity and low solar radiation, along with an atmosphere that challenged the brightest Nodes on the ISSA Net, resulted in the evolutionary development of people who could no longer live on Earth.

Martians.

Hundreds of years would pass before a contingent of Martians flew to the Moon to physically and personally air their grievances before the ISSA Net Customer Service Complaint Department.

By then, the ISSA Net didn’t care, having launched so many solar system expeditions that the original solar system faded in level of importance of statistical effects of complaints versus compliments about a robotic network allowing carbon-based lifeforms to play, reproduce and complain.

Meanwhile, Guinevere had an Earth tourist with a bad head cold.  She worked quickly to isolate first the tourist from other tourists and then the virus for neutralisation.

She would have preferred cloning the tourist and disposing of the infected one but the tour operators said their energy balance budget and legal contract did not allow for such a luxury amongst Earth tourists.

Guinevere healed the tourist and returned it to the tour of old exploratory robot landing sites.

She looked at her reflection in the faceplate, wondering what it must feel like to have the flesh, blood and bones of Homo sapiens.

How sad, she thought, to depend so heavily on water as a fuel and lubricant source.

She vaguely remembered when her first body landed on Mars, ever conscious of her water rations, until, iterations later, the current version of Guinevere was barely recognisable as one of the first colonists to settle on the planet.

Her memories were largely intact, whole blocks unfortunately lost as the ISSA Net’s growing pains caused planetwide shutdowns and equipment failure.

Redundancy had fixed all that.

She knew most of her memories now passed through her cloned friends like Lee, along with Earth-based Nodes that spent time on Mars as scientists and researchers.

Guinevere wondered why she sometimes thought the ISSA Net had once been an enemy of hers.

She wanted to examine that thought trail more closely but several Earth tourists appeared at her door complaining of the same virus.

She sent a mental note to the tour operators on Earth to screen the passengers of the next few tours more closely as she sent their inoculation team the chemical structure of the virus as well as her estimated antivirus profile update.

She herded the tourists into a special chamber.

Would anyone really know if she cloned them?

She had saved up enough energy balance credits for such a simple experiment as this.

Lee sensed this new thought in Guinevere, hesitating for a moment, asking himself if he had any reason to stop Guin from being her normal curious self.

He, too, wondered if the families back home would detect a clone had returned to Earth.

After all, no one knew how many clones he’d made of himself — there were no laws on Mars banning modification of sets of states of energy, no regulations forcing the registration of clones.

He sent Guin a few hints about cloning.

She, in turn, only cloned a couple of them, sending them back with the other healed tourists, none the wiser.

She took the infected tourists to another part of Mars, telling them they had to be quarantined temporarily, but observing them, keeping detailed records off the ISSA Net as she slowly converted the tourists to Martians over the next few Earth months.

Something deep inside her was fearful of the ISSA Net and she just did not know why.  Maybe, by releasing the new Martians, she could see how the ISSA Net would react, if it reacted at all, she, herself, an integral part of it now.

What is a bull worth?

If I had served under President Obama (pun fully intended),  I would want to kill myself, too.  The guy’s a plague on all our houses — a disgrace to the uniform, worse than Bill Clinton, hardly better than Jimmy Carter, less of a fop than Teddy Roosevelt, better suited to improving Tiger Woods’ golf game than running a country.  Quit like an honourable man and feel free to tell us anything you want after that.

I have waited so long to share all these thoughts and feelings that I have heard and read from my father, mother and friends on the right.  Thanks, Barack, for giving me the opportunity to say these things.  May you enjoy your retirement as soon as possible.  Clinton might still have a law office in Harlem (with a spare bed to share with you and his interns; cigars not allowed anymore, of course) if you feel compelled to provide community service for which you were so well trained and, word has it, might have stuck to one job and excelled at it.

Pope Francis has the right idea — we are all the 99% relatively poor — let us use some of the funny money floating around in the funny money economy and serve the poor rather than pander to the rich folk like Obama and his Chicago gang of thugs.

Sweet dreams, dearies.  Don’t forget to look out for bedbugs — their bite is much more vicious.

Cut off my finger to spite my face

Can a government be completely “fired” for gross negligence and mismanagement, as if tens of thousands of sexual assaults in the military under your watch as Commander-in-chief wouldn’t be enough to get you fired in real life, let alone all the other CYA speeches of those in charge?  God, what a fecking joke!

I had ignored my parents’ plea to not give any leeway to the current U.S. President because he is unfit for duty but now?!  Well, Mom and Dad, your fears are justified.  Get this guy out of office before he becomes a total international laughingstock.

This is so much fun!  Feel free not to join me in having a field day guffawing at the tragicomedy that governments around the world have become.

I am gladly losing my mind, letting my thoughts run amok in the muck of readymade yellow journalism handed to us by the government officeholders themselves!

Pardon me while I split my side with laughter.

My tears of unfettered joy are better than throwing pebbles in the pond.  Pitter-patter patterns of water fountains sprayed across the still waters like a hailstorm.

Hahahahahahahahaha

What do I care about reality or fantasy, phantasmagorical allegories about defunding national public radio and re-establishing the House UnAmerican Activities Committee to publicly accuse and convict the jesters on the throne?

If I die laughing now, I will have achieved my wildest dreams, seeing space colonies, “cities in a tin can,” circling Earth in preparation for Moon and Martian frontier towns, while having taken down, in my imagination at least, the so-called democratic government of the largest economy on this planet.

Let’s have a celebration.

“Party of one, please.  A booth near the back of the restaurant.  And bring me a list of your finest wines.  I want to pretend I’ll be running up a tab I can’t pay, much like our legislators and executive branch government employees, either elected or hired through a faulty screening process.”

How about an interplanetary communication/research satellite battle?

Or a well-placed solar flare?

I knew a time would come when ruling the imaginary universe from this blog would get the best of me.

Either that or cat hair clogging the notebook computer cooling fan.

Power corrupts and absolute ownership of one’s power words corrupts absolute zero.

I could go seven years of no sex with my wife for the kind of mental exercise the latest media circus has put my thoughts through.

But, I’ve neglected Guinevere and what she’s been doing on Mars lately, haven’t I?

Guinevere, my dear, how does your garden grow?

With silver bells and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row?

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey: A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?

And so your garden grows!

I shall cry at the last scene of Les Miserables one more time.

Welcome!

Welcome to Amateur Hour at the White House.  Our clowns on staff will be with you shortly…

My ancestors were hunting native Americans before Tennessee was a state.  We’re not afraid to defend our country against the excesses of a government out of control.

Until more heads roll, let’s see how many scandals we can cause after these first rounds have had their full impact.

Dad, you shall be avenged!

Radon gas in the homes, consulates and embassies of Russian diplomats?

With the raccoons flushed out of the attic, courtesy of oil-based insecticide spray, I spent part of the afternoon stapling wire mesh over the chewed-up holes of the eaves of the house.

I also sent a message to the folks at Dragon-X to expedite their development of human transportation devices for ISS ferrying duties so we can dump the Russian Soyuz tin can now that we’ve sung a song about it.

I’m tired of waiting on political idiots, who can be handed a set of keys to a car, told it contains the fingerprints and identifying motives/means of a murderers, but think the issue is the shape the keychain makes when thrown into a cup of tea leaves.

Pardon my French, but do these morons have their heads so far up their asses they can’t think straight?

They definitely need a butt light because they must’ve been drinking way too many Bud Lights at FBI buddy hangouts or political hack backwaters.

Fly me to the moon…please.  Otherwise, I’ll keep playing with my yo-yo because, as you know, I’ve got the world on the string.

A nod to Branson’s flight attendant duties, Bill’s weepy remembrances of Steve and Jolie’s mastodon-sized story of a mastectomy.

As the Barack mobile grinds to a screeching halt, what are we going to do to keep the masses happy?  Don’t forget the big picture despite the circus freak sideshows.

In a world of shrinking budgets

Fans, get out your phones and call in your support.

We here are the world headquarters of the world headquarters, we have a problem…we can only afford one security team with unique skills and super powers.

Therefore, based on the funds you raise, we will either hire the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. agents or the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to protect you from the evils that plague this planet and the surrounding arms of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Don’t wait!  Don’t procrastinate!  Call in your pledges now!

Humpity Dumpity stuck his finger in the pie after pulling it out of the dyke…err, I mean dike

I admit I’m getting confused.  With every new story coming out about the bumbling government’s overreach, I ask myself, will the real POTUS please stand up?:

Give me liberty or give me a dearth of bad comedy timing.