Tag Archives: satire

Redbud Pods

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$900M of US Treasuries for one Chinese dissident?  Hmm…

While I upload, onto the Internet cloud, photos of the USS Maryland and USS Worcester (CL144), found in my grandfather’s bosun’s locker (last looked at in 1959), I ponder the universe.

Slowly getting back to my happy states of energy.

Watching seedpods ripen on redbud limbs.

Putting aside the “variety is the spice of life” headline reading that has dominated my curiosity lately and back to reading books that captured a moment in time during the life of a writer’s/editor’s career.

To thine own serf be through, and all that.

Speaking of all that, I heard a dictator/executive producer of a movie franchise insisted the cute female star be removed from her role in the latest “as delectable and memorable as cotton candy” summer blockbuster.

Reminds me of the following anecdote from Bennett Cerf:

Arthur Meyer, author of the amusing Hollywood memoir, Merely Colossal, nominated Adolph Zukor, long-time headman at Paramount Pictures, as the politest gent in the world of the cinema.  “I have a telegram to prove it,” continues Mayer.  “It reads, ‘You’re fired. Best regards.'”

[snare drum rim shot please!  or take my wife, for instance]

Did you hear the one about the guy who hiked to Walden’s Pond and realised that he’d feel more transcendental if his family had run a profitable pencil business for a while, too?

Or the feminists who say a guy is a sex addict but a woman is a nymphomaniac and that’s okay by them?

Whatever floats your boat.

Speaking of which, here are the USS Worcester photos (taken in the 1950s, my father believes).

And last but not listing (not too much, anyway) are the USS Maryland photos (taken in the 1930s, my father believes, als0).

In a few days, I go under general anesthesia and will possibly forget who I was, all in the name of medical progress, I’m told.

More on that later.

Time to meditate on sunlight filtering through a deciduous forest.  All ashore who’s goin’ ashore!

Mermaid or Merman for president?

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Have you followed the news lately?

I’m a bit confused.

Seems like those who supported Lincoln in the 1800s want seaworthy latter-day candidates on an election ballot.

How many wives can an executive have?

Is Admiral “Lone Sitar” Rickshaw Perry a secret admirer of the YFZ Ranch?

Why is Michelle such a popular name in political news?

Time for the Committee to reveal a third-party candidate duo that’ll attract all those who don’t walk the talk of left/right turn light indicators.

How many contractors will remain in Afghanistan after the troops are safely home debriefing, detoxing and unwinding for a return to noncombat reality?

Cyberwarfare 2.0

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In more humour news, rolling blackouts swept across Chinese metropolises and countrysides today, local police and citizen guardians arresting or killing anyone making comments, affirmative or negatory, in regards to the rumours that China was under cybersiege.  In related news, U.S. securities shot up in value, with the dollar reaching a new high against all major currencies.  The Federal Reserve used the higher dollar to cancel debt owned by China, Japan and several other sovereign nations, allowing the U.S. to make immediate and drastic diplomatic relationship changes.  India and Brazil once again found themselves caught in the cold grips of a virtual war of words in which they were sideline commentators unwilling to put their nuclear arsenals on full alert lest they interfere with upcoming cricket or futbol matches.   The World Court declared China’s hoarding of special chemicals and minerals illegal, opening the U.N. debate on sanctioning and declaring 21st June 2011 the official start date of World Cyberwarfare 2.0 Day.

Scientists announced the recreation of a comedian, W.C. Fields, whose body had unknowingly been well-preserved through alcoholism and available for DNA analysis and reconstruction lo these many decades.  Sales of pure grain alcohol skyrocketed, with buyers claiming they were preserving their bodies for future revivi..vivi…[hiccup!]
vivification, whatever that means.

After the recent devastating earthquakes rocked Haiti, U.S. researchers there found the secret formula for zombification.  Today, U.S. drones dropped silent “bombs” of zombification fluid in several major cities, primarily near the fortresses, palaces, resorts, getaways and government buildings where prominent entertainers and military/political leaders work, reside or hide.

Therefore, any local/regional/global news you see or hear, where popular talking heads are babbling on about subjects of little to no interest to most of us, is probably under the direct mind control of the extraterrestrial aliens operating the U.S. government in bunkers deep beneath the U.S. Capitol and Supreme Court buildings and operating the world governments in shelters deep beneath the U.N. Building.

Contrary to popular rumours, the bombing of the World Trade Center was not a terrorist act but rather the continuing intergalactic battle for control of Earth.  In the aftermath of the WTC/Pentagon attacks, aliens from Sector W2II3 of the Uncategorised Quadrant took over Earth because the aliens from Sector WVB1991 and their world-control equipment were effectively wiped out of commission.

Yes, the Soviets may have been part of Area 51 but Area 51 was always supposed to be a ruse devised by the Cold War leaders to divert the attention of humans not yet under zombie control or under the influence of expanding mass media hypnosis.

World governments have still not been able to locate the invisible alien control center in Afghanistan, despite millennia of deciphering hieroglyphic markings found in that part of Earth.  Legend has it that the invisible alien control center will give not only eternal life but also the ability to move galaxies at will, making domination of this planet seem like a kindergarten sandbox fight.

That’s all the humourumour news not fit to print in grocery store rag mags or professional comedy websites.

We ARE AT WAR!!!!

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A little bird told me that the U.S. has been at war for about 10 years now.

First of all, my thanks and prayers to all of those who have given their lives and careers to the propagation of the American way of life, which is an extension of cultural archetypes many believe are the best, safest forms of subcultural living available, primarily Western in bureaucratic management style with heavy influences from Eastern and Southern Hemisphere styles going back-and-forth across cultural meme boundaries.

But those labels aren’t why I’m here.

A bit of humour: the Joint Chiefs of Staff today took over the White House and announced a preemptive strike on Chinese military, taking out Chinese submarines, military bases, missile installations, cyberwarfare IT departments and satellites in a fast sweep across the globe.  We watch as the Chinese wage a counterstrike by refusing to manufacture any more goods for the nondomestic market.  Stock prices barely registered a blip in response, with stockbrokers more concerned about each other’s insider opinions than about any connection to the real world.

I grew up under the ghost of the Korean War and in the shadow of the Vietnam War.  I saw the U.S. participate in counterinsurgencies in Central and South America as well as invasions of countries like Grenada and Iraq.

So I’ve grown a little weary, maybe leery, possible wary, of what a “war” really is.

I know many a father wants a son or two or three to grow up in the military and receive ribbons/honours on the fields/oceans/skies of battle.

And we realise that only one to two percent of those in today’s U.S. military are actively entangled in battlefronts.

What about the other 98 to 99 percent of U.S. military personnel?

What about military personnel in other cultures?

Let’s say we abandon the battlefields we created in Afghanistan.  Let’s say we disengage our military entanglements in Iraq and Pakistan.

What about our mindsets in regards to raising little warriors?

What are the cultural implications for the future?

Who or what will fill the vacuum we leave behind?

How do we retrain our youth to “fight” for reviving the U.S. economy through innovation and domestic production?

What is the cost of crosstraining and retraining the hundreds of thousands currently devoted to U.S. military-based economic output?

Will the new retirees, many of them raised to believe in American military superiourity, watch as their resources – their savings, their pensions, their government welfare – are spent on raising the next generation of Americans unlike them?

What will the next generation call uniquely American?

Space exploration?

New technology development?

Medical miracle workers?

Something we haven’t dreamed of yet?

Will the next generation think of themselves as Americans or as members of a global economy much like many youths in countries like Ireland think of themselves as Europeans today?

How much can a middle-aged guy like me be torn apart and recast in the mold of whatever shape the next generation will look up to as wise leaders with a clear vision of what tomorrow will be, with new problems to solve and new problems that won’t go away easily, just like today?

Which models of the past do we melt?

Which ideas from the past do we no longer perpetuate?

Yes, we are at war with ourselves, ever-vigilant,  on the lookout for those who push forward images of hatred and destruction that lead to deadends.

And now, back to reality, leaving subcultures to themselves and their comments.

Point, Counterpunch

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  1. Lack Beed Foop
  2. Rich, Thick and Bonus-Free Shipping!
  3.  Give me liberty or give me dearth!
  4. All in the thoughts, if you don’t mind.

Happy is what happy does.

Me, I’m speechlessly delirious.

Thanks to Jason and Danielle for their patience, Hank at Zaxby’s, readers who know the difference between blogged facts and storytelling.

College football season inches closer in this country, BCS or not.

Congrats to the new UT [temporary] athletic director.

Wife is glad that Bo and Hope are back, evil twin story lines or naught.

Me, I’m spuriously ductless.

Oh, one last thing – the U.S. and Germany made a bargain behind the EU’s back, selling Greece to China in exchange for reducing the U.S./EU debt load and permanent access to the BRIC market.  Either that, or the U.S. will give South China Sea access in exchange for North Korea market development.  Where is Noriega when you need him?  Mourning the loss of Clarence Clemons or Ryan Dunn?

Did You Hear About the Northern Irishman Who Won the U.S. Open?

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Thanks to Juliet at Carson’s Grille, my parents, my mother in-law, Ingle’s, Bimbo Fireworks and gas station…

Where did I leave off while talking to myself the last time?  Hmm…

Oh yeah.  Growing up in Colonial Heights.

I’ve never been a member of the Southern Baptist Church.

Not that the church is a bad place, but I never felt the need, like schoolmates and their parents, to belong to an organisation that prided itself on its exclusivity – “we’re the only true believers,” “we have the most missionaries,” etc.

Every one of us is motivated to overcome entropy with our states of energy in different ways.

Some people want…well, like my sister in-law, who is a member of the Southern Baptist Church, told me, “I’m not the adventurous kind of person…  I’ve raised two great kids.  I work for the church as a bookkeeper, which doesn’t pay a lot, but it’s a steady job.”

In other words, her subculture – her church – provides her the social web of protection that lets her sleep soundly at night while dreaming of grandchildren.

Some prefer chaos and anarchy.

Some prefer no large social web.

And yet, here we are, all seven billion of us sharing this planet interconnectedly.

A friend told me about her antibucket list – her, if you’ll pardon my non child-friendly phrase, fuhket or fuhketaboutit list.

  • Item no. 1 – no more making food for church socials – she was tired of preparing casseroles or other dishes for people she rarely hung out with or who didn’t appreciate her gourmet taste.  Artichoke-and-anchovy dishes were for family gatherings from now on.
  • Item no. 2 – no traveling with strangers who have no sense of direction or desire for adventure – she’d just completed a trip to the Big Apple and, although it provided many funny moments to talk about, the minidisasters along the way almost overran the few good times she had.
  • Item no. 2 – she didn’t have to make a long list, just start the list and let the rest of the world add to it.
= = = ++[{}]++ = = =
Some Irish golf humour to end this blog
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
= = =
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”
“Oh, that’s awful!”
“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
= = =
After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love. On the way home, the man’s conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn’t want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean. “Honey,” he said when he got home, “I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I’m sorry, it won’t ever happen again, and I hope you’ll forgive me.” His wife scowled at him and said, “Don’t lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn’t you?”

 

Voyage from one lighthouse to the next

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Start today with thanks… Two beautiful female workers at Stephenson’s Bubba’s Burger. Mike Reeves at Miss Bea’s. Robert at The Chop House. Melinda, David, Taylor and Ann. Mobile phone video of TSO concert. Backyard garden. William’s mother. GreenBank teller. Mapco. Showcase dance practice. Joe and Alicia. Bus trips to New York worth talking about. DJing at WRGS. WaitWait/ClickClack on WETS.

How do you make the Greeks in Greece reimburse their receipts? Is it time to dissolve Greece as a viable political entity, eliminating government-based services there, and set an example to the rest of the indebted nations?

But countries don’t exist, only parasitic corporations constructed in the name of shared [but not] nonprofitable interests of the people.

Representative government is an illusion for sharing the wealth of those not smart enough to hide their wealth.

If…well, before I beat this dead horse to a pulp, let me think about how it is that a given population of our species is convinced it has a duty to pay taxes and service for the concept of a corporation of/by/for “the people,” a mottled collection of subcultures in a mix of agreement with and opposition to one another, regardless of their tax burden or government dependence.

Training, brainwashing, etc., to use common labels.

Those are all givens.

Assumptions, perhaps.

What about premises?

What is the punchline?

To watch what is supposed to be a group of heterosexuals make a fuss about a group of homosexuals makes me wonder how self-confident or distractable the heterosexual group is.

By extension, why is any group bothered by the activities of a group they are not supposed to be attracted to?

Is it fear?

Lack of self-confidence?

Unable to leave well enough alone and lead with what they believe is a better example to others?

Why are some people/groups/subcultures driven to build themselves up by making negative comments about those outside their circle of influence (and those within, too)?

I choose to look within myself for these answers.

Act on my beliefs, rather than spend time commenting about others whose beliefs I do not fully understand or condone.

Do not form opinions about subjects of no particular interest to me – “no comment” or “I don’t know” are valid responses repeatedly so repeatedly so.

As a young person who grew up as a Boy Scout in a troop based at a Southern Baptist church, I reserve the right to make fun of my own people or be critical of them for the sake of insightful learning/teaching moments, rather than just blowing off steam and passing negativity forward.

…no matter what my true business philosophy may be or how I see the future through intuition and computer modeling.

A lesson retaught to myself for the day.

And for this day, I am thankful.

Fourteen thousand, two hundred and three days left

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Talked with my agent today.

She told me that sales of my e-books have varied, depending on market.

Because of my aliases, this blog has no direct effect on my e-book sales.

However, my agent wants to change that.

She says that I should promote myself more, either through blogs/websites with distinct personalities or through this blog and my company website to promote my ability to display multiple personalities in one person.

I had dusted off my old 8mm camera, a Kodak Instamatic M6 movie camera, made in U.S.A., to shoot a new promotional film about my e-book business.

Before I could get an old film cartridge loaded, my agent reminded me that kids today expect to see jerky, digitally-hazy, electronic video shot on a mobile phone.

Is it not enough compromise to convert my longhand novels into electronic format?

Must I reduce all my creative output to nibbles and bits and pieces?

Would my favourite racecar drivers or wrestlers reduce themselves to sitting in a chair, strapped to electronic devices, or wearing a suit rigged with electronic sensors?

NO-O-O-O!!!!

Just 14,203 days until I get what I really want.

This waiting is excruciating.

Think I’ll start a limited theatre war and watch diplomats fly back and forth trying to keep it from going global.

Lights! Action! Camera! Shoot!

Memoirs of an Ex-Insecure Security Expert Comfortable in his Manhood

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Before I dive in, a set of thanks, to: Lilian, Angela, Kisha, Brenda, Leonard, Rob, Priscilla; Jenn at Panera Bread; Jacob at Target; Harold at Kinesthetic Cue, and all the fellow students, including Jennifer, Debra, etc.; Huntsville Utilities; Walmart.

I keep trying to make myself as ugly and uninteresting as possible so there won’t be anyone interested in what I’m observing and thus able to work quietly with others to influence the people of our times.

…while paying attention to the influences upon me, including labels that represent thought patterns to which I don’t belong but which belong to us as historic and present in the zeitgeist.

Today is a day of meditation, avoiding the temptation to comment one way or the other about groups of people competing for resources through the imaginary images of ideology.

Reminder: what we say for or against an idea cements the idea in the flow of information, a rock which temporarily channels and divides, attracting people with more rocks and more cement to form a permanent change in the flow.

I , I, I…because this is the only time in which I live, I could go with the flow and comment upon, participate in, or react to every response that others of our species make in realtime.

For instance, are you more protective of your wealth and personal ideas or more generous with your wealth and open to new ideas as you get older?

We’re a little of both, of course.

When you have built the skills to operate the tools that make your life easiest, do you try to learn to operate new tools?

If firewood, needles, and bows and arrows make you happiest, will you listen to someone offering you a smartphone/tabletPC?

At the top of your pyramid, do you take away people’s happiness to make them learn new tools and when that new set of tools makes them happiest, you take away their happiness again, etc.?

Where does that spiral of happiness removal end?

Where does that cycle come back around to?

Before I get back to a chair on the Committee in this storyline which you can’t tell is real or imagined, I’ve got a few more days of meditating to establish what I want for my happiness while defining happiness for the rest of the seven billion of us.

If I can’t find happiness for myself, I don’t care what makes anyone else happy.

I’m selfish like that, I admit, even if admitting my selfishness exposes similar habits in the hidden computer programmers I’ve got working for me around the world, reducing the efficiency of my operations in the nearterm.

One thing the NHL proved to me – Canadians are not the peaceful expat hippie Americans we’ve been led to believe.  Canadians are the hooligans we’ve always feared down here in the Lower 48.  More damage in one Vancouverian Vandalistic Night than in decades of terrorist activities in the Great White North.

Are there Canadians working in your office or job site?  Can you trust them when your back is turned?

Who’s watching the U.S.-Canadian border and should we put up snowmobile-proof fencing to keep Canucks out of America?  Maybe the INS ought to raid movie/television production factories and remove illegal/underage Canadian immigrants posing as well-spoken Americans in films and TV shows!

Quick!  Can you name a single Canadian province?  You can?!  A-ha!  We’ve found a Canadian.  Deport them all, I say, and put them on melting icebergs in the Arctic!  Either that, or convert them to Southern Baptist missionaries, give them a U.S. passport and ship ’em to Siberia or Tierra del Fuego for overseas missionary work.

The U.S. government will not stop until every illegal Canadian is hunted for extraction or conversion to the American way of wealth building, wealth protection and geriatric wealth generosity.

“Driver!”

“Eh?  Pardon?”

“Put down that Molson beer and take me to the Hollywood film industry.  We’re baggin’ some Canadians today!”