Note to self

What if my life as an actor proves I’m all shell and no interiour?

Last night, when I was introduced and treated as “this is my dance friend,” I felt the lifelong pangs of abject loneliness.

I am alone in the desert island of my thoughts.

Cold.

Numb.

I can turn to others but what is there to say/ask that isn’t a repeat of either myself or billions of lonely creatures going back to the dawn of chemical reactions?

– – – – –

Quora query of the day:

How do I prepare to live alone for the rest of my life?

I am an Indian guy. 

30 ANSWERS

Vinay Pateel

Vinay Pateel, World Traveler. Creator. Rottweiler.

Written 27 Apr

Step 1: Accept that you are ‘un-dateable’.

Don’t just think so, accept it.
Step 2: Decide to live alone for the rest of your life.

Just cement this belief in your mind.
Step 3: Realize that you’ve just attained the ‘nothing to lose’ level in life. 

This is like a wild card, a level-up, a lottery.
Step 4: Go everywhere alone. 

Malls, parks, movies, theatres, galleries, quora meetups, other meetups, science clubs, art clubs, heritage walks, music festivals, everywhere. Even better, go backpacking solo.
Step 5: Enjoy the guts out of yourself. 

Forget about dating.

Do this for the next 6 months, I guarantee you you’ll prepare yourself to live alone for the rest of your life.

By the way, plans never work according to plan.

What I want you to take away from this answer is this.
Enjoy the guts out of yourself.

– – – – –

I have nowhere to go, nowhere not to go.

A quiet day at work

Yesterday, while driving to pick up from a bloodmobile, the ’15 Toyota Prius set at a cruising speed of 65 mph, my thought set filled with memories of the last car ride I had with my father.

At this point in his declining health (symptoms of bulbar option ALS), Dad could no longer speak, but he could walk with a helping hand, lift his arms and point with his fingers and make head nods/shakes.

I put Dad in the front passenger seat of my ’95 BMW 325i, Mom in the back, and drove around the northeast Tennessee countryside, taking Dad by his former job as an assistant professor at East Tennessee State University.

I wanted to drive and drive and drive but eventually, in agreement with Mom, after a few hours of driving around, I took Dad to the emergency entrance of our local hospital.

When we arrived, Dad shook his head and made a circle motion with his right index finger, indicating that he wanted me to keep driving.

I wish I had ignored my mother’s plea to take Dad on inside because it was the last time Dad and I had that car guy bonding experience we’d shared through the years, going to the local dirt track on Friday nights and flying out to Long Beach for the Toyota Grand Prix amongst many car-related trips we made together. 

Those are all memories now.

My mother spends most days on her own, assisting her church when she can.

She certainly wants Dad in her daily life more than I ever will.

But, after Dad died, I lost interest in car shows, NASCAR races and Indycar/F1 motoring news…too painful of a reminder of that last day with Dad away from the medical industry.

Dad was known as a good dancer, according to Mom.

So now I dance because there are no painful memories that can pop up unexpectedly while dancing.

I can be like Dad, a man’s man, holding a woman’s hand.

And I do.

And will continue to do so until I can’t.

It’s who I am.

Memories of felines/friends past and present

To my dearest friend.
I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying you found it hard to sleep.
I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I’m not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you; I smiled and said, “it’s me.”
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It’s possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over… I smile and watch you yawning
and say “good-night, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out…then come home to me.

Author Unknown

Looking back through my files…

NASCAR always makes my redneck/good ol’ boy side shine.  In that spirit, here are two emails/letters I’ve written concerning Tony Stewart:

ONE:

The Home Depot
Attention: Consumer Affairs
2455 Paces Ferry Road
Atlanta, GA 30339

6 September, 2002

To Whom It May Concern:

Enough is enough! After hearing about Tony Stewart’s shenanigans with the reporter earlier this year, I was ready to return some stuff I bought at Home Depot. After reading that Tony Stewart assaulted a woman in Bristol, TN, I am no longer shopping at Home Depot and will ask all my friends and family to refrain from shopping at your stores, too.

I received gift certificates for Home Depot for my birthday. I will be going to the local store to cash them out rather than buy another item at Home Depot.

I am also sending this note in a letter to the corporate office in Atlanta, GA.

Sincerely,

Richard L Hill, II

Attachment: Yahoo! Sports story: Stewart accused of shoving Tennessee fan (see article at bottom of this blog entry)

 ===================================================================================

TWO:

NASCAR
PO Box 2875
Daytona Beach, FL 32120

18 February 2008

NASCAR Executives/Marketing:

One word to describe the Daytona 500 (and possibly the rest of this season) – boring. It used to be that my family would watch the Daytona 500 and call each other after the game to discuss it. Not this time. I don’t think anyone watched more than two or three minutes of the race.

There were no compelling stories. All the same old stories are there – the rough-and-tumble Tony Stewart types versus the corporate clean-boy Ryan Newman types – and the racing itself is completely uninteresting. I’d rather go watch the IndyCar race in Charlotte where a bunch of buzzing bees spin around in a bowl than watch another NASCAR race with the cars of yesterday…oops, I mean the marketing-hyped CoT.

Lately, my family has become interested in the races at venues like Mid-Ohio, Road Atlanta and Barber Motorsports Park. At least there you can see modern cars/bikes and real race drivers up close. Maybe you folks in NASCAR can learn a thing or two from them – the days of watching billboards go round-and-round in a circle are over. Time for mixed series racing, where fast cars (or bikes) have to dodge slow cars on the track, just like in real life where the Corvettes have to dodge Chevettes, taking left and righthand turns in the process.

Best of luck with the new Sprint and Nationwide series – the names of the series are as uninspiring as the drivers and racing on the track.

Sincerely,

Rick Hill

======================================================================================

Stewart accused of shoving Tennessee fan

Posted: September 07, 2002

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart has been accused of shoving a female fan following a race in Tennessee last month.

The unidentified woman was in the pit area at Bristol Motor Speedway watching the Sharpie 500 Winston Cup race when she claims she was pushed by Stewart, who finished 24th.

“We had one officer witness it,” Sullivan County Sheriff Wayne Anderson said yesterday.

Stewart, who was in Richmond, Va., for tonight’s Monte Carlo 400, declined to comment through a spokesman.

Mike Arning, a spokesman for Stewart’s Home Depot-sponsored race team, said team owner Joe Gibbs was expected to arrive at Richmond International Raceway today and would meet with reporters then.

Arning said the sheriff’s department interviewed him and five others at the track yesterday, but declined to give any more details.

The woman was authorized to be in the pits, Anderson said. He added that he would “rather not say at this point” whether she was injured.

Stewart, 31, is on probation with both NASCAR and the Home Depot, the sponsor of his No. 20 Pontiac, for punching a photographer who tried to take his picture following the Brickyard 400 in Indianapolis on Aug 4.

Noteworthy

* Jimmie Johnson and Ryan Newman added a little bit of history to their impressive debut seasons last night, becoming the first rookie drivers to sweep a Winston Cup front row in the modern era.

Johnson earned his fourth pole of the season with a lap of 126.145 mph around the three-quarter-mile oval at Richmond International Raceway. He’ll start the Monte Carlo 400 with Newman on his outside. Newman and Johnson are the first rookie front row in the series since 1972.

* Bobby Hamilton will be out at least 3 weeks after breaking his left wrist and right shoulder in a crash Thursday night at Richmond. Greg Biffle will drive the Andy Petree-owned Chevrolet in Hamilton’s place. *

What if…

Many of my conservative friends used to tell me that the government kept secret kill lists and secret tracking lists, following us by our cell phone GPS signals and Internet usage so the government could arrest or kill us at any time — I would either keep quiet and think they were being a bit paranoid or try to reason that it was too costly for the government (let alone private companies like Google) to track so many people.

The Snowden leaks proved them right and me wrong.

What if the other things my conservative friends and family tell me are true?

For instance:

  • Are Bill and Hitler Clinton longterm Soviet communist/socialists sleeper cells?
  • Is President Obama secretly following a Black Panther/Islamic agenda?
  • Is Ronald Reagan the greatest U.S. President ever?
  • Are we living in an Animal Farm world where some pigs think they’re more equal than others now that they’re on the podium, getting there by promising a more equal world until they got their hands in the till?
  • Will the banking and financial sectors, which were barely slapped on the wrists for causing the Great Recession, cause another economic meltdown because they feel invincible now that they’re “too big to fail”?
  • Are urbanites planning to steal land from the ruralites, incarcerating and killing those that get in the way of corporate greed to own all the means of food production and oil/mineral reserves?
  • Are corporations like Monsanto trying to own all the seeds that feed the people, in cahoots with a “star chamber” to control the whole population?
  • Was Obama brainwashed by Chinese communism when he lived in Indonesia?
  • Do we live in a dystopian technocratic society where our leaders with no formal military ethics training kill their own people using push-button, remote-control drones without getting blood on their hands?
  • Do cell phones cause longterm cancer?
  • How exactly does fluoridated water work on the brain?
  • Are cell phone towers secretly sending massive brain control signals?
  • Are mosquito control spraying programs the localised version of “chemtrails”?
  • Do the FBI and CIA create false files on people so they are kept in constant fear that they can be arrested at any time for any reason whatsoever and shipped to secret torture sites out of the country and out of the view of the American public, thus making the American people more accepting of socialist programs like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and the Affordable Care Act?
  • Do large corporations purposely keep employee wages so low that they’re forced to rely on the government for food and thus unwilling to revolt against a suppressive government?
  • Is there a list of more conservative fears I could find to investigate these questions I never took seriously before Edward Snowden opened my eyes to the reality that “just because you don’t believe they’re tracking you doesn’t mean they aren’t”?
  • Does the UN stockpile weapons in your city in anticipation of largescale riot control when food and water become scarce, driving prices out of reach of most people?
  • Are government scientists secretly developing a Soylent Green program to convert huge numbers of incarcerated people, arrested for the flimsiest of reasons, including being upset because the police raided the wrong apartment/house, into food when the time is right?
  • Could a teacher really be so drunk on vodka that she could get by with walking the school hallways wearing no pants?

In this Brave New Post-1984 World, anything is possible, even the repurposed use of Pinkerton-type “detectives” to track and keep people in line. Anyone think the Anti-Pinkerton Act is valid anymore?

Thank goodness I know that Richard Nixon was the greatest U.S. President who ever lived!

On days like this, finding ways to entertain myself is endlessly fun!

[On a side note, while typing this up, I got a call (“Hello. This Rachel from cardholder services…”) that the Caller ID said was from my own phone number.  How funny is that? (And how easy it is to create your own Caller ID info, if you know how.)]

Admission of Guilt?

Bill Kling, Huntsville City Council member, as well as the entire state of Alabama, admitted guilt today in the contribution toward global warming and use of herbicides/pesticides to reduce the bee/bird population by reiterating the demand (a/k/a Ordinance No. 86-294 entitled “The Huntsville, Alabama, Grass and Weed Ordinance”) that residents maintain an inedible crop of grasses at a certain height that does not allow the grass to produce flowers and thus seeds all for the sake of “a way to help keep the community looking its best.””

Straw Cat

Hard to believe just a few weeks ago I still had to make sure the broom was kept in our pantry to keep Merlin from chewing on the broom straws and making himself sick…sixteen years of leaving the pantry doors partially open and finding vomited pieces of broom, gone! The little daily habits that once annoyed me…amazing how much I miss them when they’re no longer part of my life.

Woodsman Methodology 2.0

A simple log bridge’ll do in a pinch but I want something sturdier.

Introducing Cedar Log Bridge the second revised new and improved edition.

Cut three logs out of the forest fallen cedar tree inventory to use as main walking beams…

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Cut two straight cedar treetops for handrails…

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Photograph more wildlife in-between, such as a four-leaf mayapple with mushrooms…

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Jack-in-the-pulpit…

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More shrooms…

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…and Merlin’s grave…sniff, sniff…

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…then find miscellaneous cedar branches for support beams, decorative elements, etc.

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Time to start measuring (twice),

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…cutting, and sawing on the cutting-edge!