When blog titles are labels, no words matter

Today, I am tired and shivering, running multiparallel emotional issues, managing a storyline and keeping my own life choices on track.

I cannot talk with one or a few people with whom support would greatly help because my life choices involve them and I’m not sure the effect I’ll have on them.

No one is happy all the time but I still hate to cause someone’s suffering.

I consciously chose the life of an artist, a performer, at age 10 in 5th grade, when my best friend and love of my life died — life stopped mattering as anything serious but I acted like it did even though I was dead inside.

Or if not dead, then an apathetic jumble of nonsense.

After a while the acting became me.

I don’t want to think but I have plans to work out in a timely manner.

Mentally, I’ve shredded my thoughts on a moment by moment basis to prevent pain from carrying forward, my pain and the pain of others.

If I have no one to talk to/with, I still want to talk and here is the place I put the words I think and want to say.

Decades ago, in my late 20s, I met with psychologists and psychiatrists per advice from older mentors.

I can sum up their observations in a single phrase (which oddly enough echoed the problems I had with my parents saying the same thing): “You think too much.  You just have to decide you want to live.”

In my youth, my parents punished me for living the way I wanted to live so I developed my mental muscles, exercising elaborate thought trails to entertain myself internally, thus thinking too much.

I would like to be a parent to see if I can give a child the open, loving relationship that I dreamt of having as a kid, allowing the child to pursue the child’s dreams, rather than living out any unfulfilled dreams of my own (note the contradiction).

Childrearing experts I read about in my parents’ childrearing literature said that children want their parents/guardians to set strict, easy-to-understand parameters so that the child becomes a responsible adult one day.

Much of that literature was written or was influenced by 1950s culture — post-WWII, Cold War, anti-communist McCarthy era kind of stuff.

Growing up in the 1960s, I was marginally influenced by the counterculture movement, coming of age in the 1970s.

My parents accused me of being antiestablishment and that I would have joined the protest marches had I been born a decade earlier.

Antiestablishment? Me, the Eagle Boy Scout? Me, who sang in a wholesome church-sponsored group called Sing Out Kingsport, a spinoff of Up With People?

I don’t march in crowds.

I’m an independent person, free to be inconsistent in my philosophy because life is short and any systematic dogma that might churn out of my producing a set of easy life lessons to follow after my death is irrelevant to a dead me.

There is a trap that many of us fall into and that is the trap of becoming an influential member of a [sub]culture.

I know what it’s like to be a leader, to be a person whom others thank for making them better persons.

We are social animals and we tend to form hierarchical societies.

I believe the cyclical pattern of wave after wave of leaders, followers, influencers, black swans, outliers, etc., is a dead end.

As an actor, I know when we’re faking it to make it.

That’s why I’ve avoided the leadership track, jumping off as I was succeeding quite well — I saw the fallacy.  I was falling into the trap and got out before it closed me in.

With 8+ billion of us, the numbers growing, we can change but it is a long, long process, a process I don’t want anyone’s name or dogma tied to — it has to be invisible yet transparent if the point of change is to reduce and eventually eliminate the dependence on social hierarchy.

Every one of us has to be involved as equally as possible in making these changes, each with their own understanding and expertise.

What of the billions who are used to and want to continue the hierarchical structure, those who have personally benefited from their Influencer and Leadership positions, some for many, many generations, amassing great armies and/or the equivalent of billions of US dollars?

I am alive for a short time period, my time on Earth growing shorter and shorter as I make unwise decisions with my health like standing unprotected under the damaging UV rays of the local star, our Sun, or eating unrecognisable goo we call processed food, filled with chemical concoctions that may or may not be beneficial to my health.

I am unimportant.

My name is unimportant (although I love seeing my name and my words in print).

How shall I live the rest of my life?

How shall I act the rest of my life?

Today, I have no answers.

I meditate upon the questions.

How do I demonstrate to myself and the rest of our species what I am thinking?


Thinking about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs today, comparing individualistic versus collectivist societies.

And then, remembering the kid on the playground who ended the game by saying, “It’s my ball and I’m going home,” while reading about the U.S. and Iran trading words over a no-longer flying electronic gizmo called a drone.

Will Brazil clear the Amazon rain forest in my lifetime?

Will governments shrink as retirement/pension plans are taken away from workers, thus decreasing the desire of people to get quasi-guaranteed-for-life government jobs?  How will decreased tax revenues (a/k/a redistribution of wealth) change sociopolitical behaviour in the longterm?  Is there a destabilising effect by fewer government bonds being issued?

Should the leaders of MF Global be hung by their short and curlies as a lesson to everyone else who says, “Well, sure, I was the head of the company — ‘the buck stops here’ and all that — but I’m just there as a leech to earn a big salary, using my face recognition as a selling point.  I have no idea what I’m doing and certainly don’t know what’s going on in the company.  I use coded words and phrases all the time — management doublespeak — how am I supposed to know which code words or phrases are actually interpreted and implemented by my employees?”?

Is there a tipping point in biodiversity for our species?  Do we really want to find out?

What is the economic impact of Burt Rutan’s new venture?

Insects fly past the window.

A solar cell charges a battery on the front deck.

How many times have you gone out on a date with someone you met via an e-dating site and the date tells you, after meeting you in person, “Oh, well, I’m really serious about someone else”?  We use coded words and phrases all the time.  It’s up to us to figure out how to change our tactics/behaviour to hear different words and phrases the next time.  Remember, insanity is hearing the same thing over and over and expecting to hear something different even though you haven’t changed.

Thanks to Garrett, Linda, Tiffany and Heath at Cracker Barrel; Batteries Plus; Sophie’s link to a Simple Guide to Having Fun; those who don’t use mobile phones, the Internet or electronic social networks.

Time to have fun away from the computer-connected global subcultural meme set.  I assume the freedom of the Internet will be here when I get back.

Oh, and hey, be careful out there when buying Chinese real estate — the price of nest eggs in China DOES have an effect on you right now.  Somehow, I feel like I’m repeating myself, repeating myself, myself, myself, self, my, oh my…