In a shock that has reverberated across all socioeconomic classes in Canada, word spread that the Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, often tagged the “Anti-Environmentalist” and the “Pipeline Piper of Oilands,” has been caught in a personal relationship with a moose.
When reached for comment, Harper’s spokesperson adamantly denied the prime minister would interact with anything remotely resembling nature.
Over the past two days, Clath Colkarch, a famous moose whisperer, has spent time with me to translate some of what the moose has finally decided to confess.
LN: So, Clath, tell us more.
CC: Is your name really LN?
LN: No, but our publication refuses to let journalists use their real names or initials for posted interviews. The editors feel, and are backed up by the publisher, that putting the journalist into the picture distracts from the main event.
CC: Oh, well, then, what do you want to know?
LN: How do you first discover this relationship?
CC: Well, “LN,” I was working with the US branch of the IMWAUVAAA — that’s the International Moose Whisperers Association of Unemployed Veterinarian Assistants’ Associates, Amalgamated — which, when pronounced correctly, sounds like the call of the Albertan Pinstriped Moose.
As you may have heard, the heavy snows in the north this year have caused quite a few moose to go starving. Well, I tagged along with a group of Fellows who wanted to feed moose that were in the public eye…you know, to build a lot of goodwill. But mainly, they were wanting to find moose who weren’t too emaciated but were on the edge of death so they could put them out of their misery and take the meat back home.
In this economy, even the Fellows, life members of the Fellowship of Professed, Confirmed Fellows of the Vegan Dinner Table are resorting to eating meat, preferably from the carcass of a beast that has died naturally.
Well, we was hunting…I mean, we was assisting moose in weather-related recovery efforts not far from the PM’s place in Calgary when I felt a presence.
LN: A presence? Do you mean something spiritual?
CC: Oh no. There was definitely a large female moose stepping my right foot. It felt quite painful, that presence.
LN: I suppose as a moose whisperer you must experience these kinds of feelings often, this close presence with moose?
CC: Not really. The job of a moose whisperer is actually quite lonely. Ain’t much call for moose whispering. But it’s a duty I’ve sworn to uphold, at least until my wife gets tired of me sleeping late at home, when I’m home, that is, and not wandering the woods to shirk my household maintenance chores.
LN: I see. Let’s return to the story. Was this female moose the one in question?
CC: No. She was a beauty, though. Had my eye on her for quite some time so I was pleased she made the first move. I can tell you most female moose expect the male to be aggressive but I ain’t like that.
LN: Uh-huh. Before you continue, let me remind you this is a family-oriented publication and we may choose to edit out any questionable content.
CC: Oh, no problem. Wasn’t like the lady and I took our relationship much further than a few nudges and feet stomping. Besides, she was the one who told me about Harper’s mistress.
LN: Go on.
CC: I introduced the lady to the Fellows…
LN: Does the lady moose have a name?
CC: Yes, but she prefers to remain anonymous.
LN: Anony-moose, did you say?
CC: Ha-ha. That’s a good one. Well, the Fellows, they got one look at her, how healthy she was, and wanted to know if there were any more like her around. She being the trusting beast that she is, she led us to a harem out behind Harper’s country estate. Hidden, it was, in plain sight.
LN: Our readers will certainly be interested in that revealing tidbit.
CC: As soon as I walked up to the lady’s friends, they started talking to me the way moose do, knowing me and hearing about my reputation ahead of time, mostly.
LN: I bet you heard some good tales.
CC: Actually, the tails don’t talk. It’s from the mouth and from body language where I carry on the conversation.
LN: Yes, good point. About Harper’s mistress?
CC: Oh, she was shy to begin with. She was afraid she’d be ostracised by our species if the word got out. I explained to her that I’d keep her secret as long as she wanted. After feeding her a few snack treats that my wife has perfected for just these tender moments, the moose just opened up and told me everything. Everything!
LN: I bet you were shocked.
CC: It’s not every day that you get to hear all the gossip that a harem of locked-up moose has been sharing and re-sharing until they’re about to burst.
LN: I’m sure the readers would like to hear one or two tales…err, I mean stories the moose told you.
CC: Apparently Harper, tired of moose, has been eying a panda.
LN: You don’t say.
CC: Yeah, and he’s willing to risk his relationship with the United States to get his hands on a panda. The moose say that Harper and his wife want to make a threesome this time.
LN: A threesome? Now THAT is news! Anything else?
CC: The lead moose in the harem, Harper’s main squeeze, so to speak, says that rolling in the hay with Harper is not as great as you’d think it would be. All Harper wants to do is talk about which politician he has it in for next. Takes away from the romantic mood.
Harper’s mistress says that she misses the days of the strong, silent types that most male moose have become, even though at the time she thought she wanted more conversation and less competition amongst the guys about who has the largest set of antlers. Now that she has a male who’s more conversation than antler, it’s less thrilling.
Besides, she fears he’s left her for a panda. And that’s about as low an insult as a moose can take. I’m afraid she’s going to try to starve herself to death to get down to the size of a panda. I tried explaining to her that pandas are big-bellied and never shave but she won’t listen. She just repeats the height and weight comparison between female moose and female pandas.
I think the straw that broke the back on this one was when the mistress overheard Harper referring to her at “that cow” on a mobile phone. At that point, she lost it and put the word out to find me.
LN: Thrilling! Absolutely thrilling! Now, one more question. I know your reputation is gold but do you have any solid evidence that backs up what this ‘mistress’ of Harper’s has told you?
CC: Of course. We set up several webcams.
LN: Webcams? That’s marvelous.
CC: But the video is rather explicit. We have images of Harper brushing his mistress’ coat, feeding her by hand, and…
LN: Is that it?
CC: You did say this was a family publication, didn’t you?
LN: Yes.
CC: Well, the rest of the video has been edited for your readers. If you want more, you’ll have to buy a copy of “Moose on the Loose: the untold story of Stephen Harper and his harem of ‘female cows,'” available for sale next week.
LN: I know our readers are anxiously awaiting the release of that book.
CC: The profit from the book goes to repatriating Harper’s harem to their natural surroundings.
LN: Great idea. Thank you, Clath, for taking the time to talk with us.
CC: My pleasure. Is my mike still on? No? Good, ’cause I’ve got a case of itches from these moose fleas that’d make a bear cry.
LN: Next week, we interview Chun Li, world-famous panda whisperer, about allegations of a ménage à trois taking place at the highest rank of political office here in Canada.
Until next time, keep those rumours pouring in and we’ll investigate the ones that increase our readership the most, which, in turn, make me a very rich person who wouldn’t dare consort with any of you readers unless you, too, ride in limousines and take baths in champagne.
Check our website for videos of today’s interview as well as in-depth analysis of the shocking sight of Harper intimately interacting with his moose mistress!
treetrunkdings 