In order to reduce head, and thus brain, injuries, the national referee committee for the American sport known as football ruled today that players may no longer run into each other but must engage the opponent using martial art techniques, no blows to the head or groin area allowed; otherwise, kick and punch as much as you want to move forward or stop the movement of the football.

The goal of moving the football over the baseline of the opponents’ “end zone” remains in effect.

All other rules are in the process of being reviewed, pending the outcome of the dispute over islands in the East China Sea, which the NFL was hoping to sponsor one of their playing surfaces for an expansion team in Hawaii (the Senkaku-Diaoyu Field), and a small disturbance in Egypt over the portrayal of Mohammed as a gay misogynist who hated his mother and believed the only good woman was one enslaved by marriage to a bisexual polygamist, which the NFL was going to allow as a mascot for a new team to be announced at the end of the season.