Steppin’ Razor

Dripping gutter drumming out a reggae beat.

Wondering why it takes so long to train one species to see clearly.

‘Tis what is – no need to worry.  Everything is gonna be all right.

A word of remembrance to Don Hill, pillar of his community and of his time.

Do we know the impact our outreach makes on those we never meet again?

In Gettysburg, “the enemy was defeated here.”  Defunct golf courses are put to rest.

Do you see strange bumps and places on your body/face that happen to coincide with tiny particles of radioactive material blowing across the globe?

What if we produced for you a conservative, compassionate, female U.S. presidential candidate who is one-third European*, one-third Native American* and one third Hispanic*?

[*Exact location of genetic heritage to be decided by polling and popular vote]

Would you accept a genetically-arranged test tube baby trained to understand all aspects of life, from haute couture to subsistence farming, who exhibits the perfect traits of a humble yet politically-savvy candidacy and will ensure that 7+ billion of us are given equal opportunities to succeed, however we wish to define the pinnacle of success for our capabilities, without taking from the selfish haves to feed the selfish have-nots?

What if we figured out a way to turn every member of the species into a caring, socially-aware, fully-assimilated being?

Well, let’s wake up from that dreamy scenario and look at real life.

Let’s look into vehicles with blacked-out windows.  Let’s examine the contents of rental trucks.

Let’s see what’s really going on.

And have fun in the process.

This blog entry brought to you by members of the Subcommittee On Compliance, Kickbacks, Irrigation, Toxicity, Terraforming, Oncology, Mememaking and Entertainment (SOCKITTOME).  “Iliad Dusk” just didn’t sound right.

Now, back to the game currently in progress.

Flipcharts

Adding up the statistics of all the websites and blogs my team has hidden across the globe, we reached a daily average of 65,000 views today!

Of course, that’s nothing compared to major news sites, celebrity videos, facebook updates or twitter feeds, but we are happy with our low-key approach to viral influence.

Our whole point of existence is not to make people aware we exist.

Makes us wonder if we should start taking ourselves seriously.

Why start now, right?

One of our Czech programmers created a comedy sensor that detects when our funny bones have lost their sense of humour.

Our overcrowded hallway of unemployed superheroes was buzzing with excitement but that’ll happen when the Green Banker’s Lamp is upset that he’s not getting the attention he used to garner before the global economy relapse of 2008.

Of course, he challenged the Green Hornet and the Green Lantern to a three-way duel.

We’ll report the results of their old-fashioned showdown as soon as they reach an agreement about how to get the Funny Bone Dullness Sensor to react to bored superheroes fighting over the right to be famous for being famous for making a moose say vamos.

Census data revealed that 1 out of 6 Americans are American, which, coincidentally, lines up with previous census data that revealed 5 out of 6 Americans are also American.

We can’t wait to see the final report that reveals 100% of Americans are 100% American.

Star light, star bright, is that the last we’ll see and hear of Stardust (the satellite, not David Bowie or Katie Perry channelling the memory of Ziggy Stardust)?  If you go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, will you go gaga for Lada Gaga going country?  Somebody, gag me, please, before I violate the STUPID Act again!

= = = = =

And last, but always least, I realised tonight, after nearly 25 years of marriage, my wife has never (well, rarely) seen the aspect of my personality that comes out when she’s not around, that is kept at bay because I agreed to hide my wild, quasi-dark side away from her relatively normal, socially-even personality.  Years of practicing suppression for her sake have been years of practicing suppression for her sake.

More on that last paragraph at a later time.  My days of multiple dance partners will have to wait until another out-of-town business trip.  I left my wild side in Ireland, didn’t I?  In other words, the personality-at-home maintains itself for now.  Is that the definition of love?

I want to live but I don’t yet know how, I tell myself.  [If I can’t lie to myself, who can I lie to?]

In upcoming news…

Reminder: April 1st is National Male Pattern Baldness Awareness Day, which kicks off the 3-day telethon to raise money to continue spreading the awareness in hopes that a cure will not be necessary once Female Pattern Baldness Awareness Day is universally accepted.

Politicians fulfilled their promise and posted legislation five minutes before they voted and approved new rules that classify investigative journalism, or any activity that resembles such, as a federal crime under the Stalking, Terrorism, Usury, Peering, Investigation and Dependency, or STUPID Act.

Paparazzi were rounded up by the thousands and crammed together in tiny Gitmo Bay cells.  Celebrities cheered, not realising how much free advertising they just gave up in exchange for privacy.

TMZ cried foul.  The whole staff was arrested on grounds that protesting the potential of getting arrested is suspicion of violating the STUPID Act.

Grocery store magazine shelves were declared illegal and destroyed.

Students with webcams and mobile phones, with or without builtin camera, were placed under house arrest for violating both the stalking and dependency clauses of the STUPID Act.

Crowds gathered outside jails to celebrate the arrest and immediate conviction of bankers under the usury clause of the STUPID Act.

Lobbyists, PAC owners and payday loaners have retained all available lawyers not busy representing parents, children, mobile phone carriers, bullies, astronomers, PIs, police detectives, CSI employees, television executives, PC software company employees, scientists and quality control inspectors.

Meanwhile, Qaddafi has put the belongings of the Lockerbie Bomber for sale on the Terrorism Hero auction site to raise money to protect his shrinking empire.

Amenandjihad kept silent one more day, waiting for his spy network to identify future denizens to serve as important peons supporting the new United States of Arabia that will incorporate itself as the latest embodiment of the Ottoman Empire, hoping to rival the EU and the USA for a domestic market that serves the networked BRIC empire.

Political pundits are taking bets that after a female takes office in 2012 whether the former ruler will offer to serve as prime minister of the new USA.

The Committee set up a 3D chess set to commemorate the anniversary of the creation of the character of Spock on Star Trek.

DNA scientists were able to prove the genetic relationship between Michael Schumacher and the Busch brothers.

Steve Martin and Joan Rivers announced they secretly married at the funeral for Elizabeth Taylor, setting a new standard in Hollywood entertainment.  We’d post exclusive video of the wedding but officially say we know nothing about its existence due to our patriotism and dedication to obeying the STUPID Act.

All I want is the American Dream

All I want is the American Dream.

All I want is the American Dream.

All I want is the American Dream.

In bright, graphic detail, preferably.

All I want is the American Dream, white picketing fencesitters not allowed.

Dang it all if lunch isn’t here again.  My stock picks will have to make gains on their own without my news manipulators waiting on my next mandibular move.

Have you ever watched a stained glass window come to life through colour filter manipulation behind the silica framework, solar and other visible rays playing tricks on your eyes?

I chased a lizard through the woods and shot it with a photographic freeze frame.  It ran and hid beneath a stone overhang.

Is that what you call communing with nature?

Are you playing hookie with your Arduino, too?

Were your formative years spent conforming to others’ ideals or forming your own?

Head over to makezine #25 and see if you’ve still got an idea forming in your ideal thoughts.

And remember, I don’t care about your religious preferences – I just want the freedom to market my products to appeal to your buying habits which align with an open/free market economy.

Put Your Head in the Clouds and Have Fun!

Weather forecast – sunny and clear with lots of cloudiness.

What is a paywall and are you willing to climb over the broken glass and razor wire to get to the other side, past low-hanging deer who didn’t know about fencing not friendly for fuzzy jumpers?

Do successful people stay away from microwave ovens, wireless hubs and mobile phone towers?  Or do they follow roving reporters into nuclear plant cores?

Are your business plans adjusting to quickly changing times?

What is a geek and why is there a squad of them patrolling my neighbourhood?

Time for a little motoring diversion.

Can you turn empty Ds in your housing estate into unobtrusive command centers?

What is a command center?

Can you convince the uninformed that they’re being influenced by low-level radiation of interconnected wireless transmitting stations disguised as suburban homes?

When creating subplots, one always leaves a bit of mystery for readers’ imaginations to run wild between sentences, dramatic pauses, paragraphs, and chapters.

To be continued…

Fee-Free French Philosophy in the Fiefdom of Fyffe

“Today is my ‘usband’s birfday.”

“Hey, congratulations…uh…”

“‘is name is Benjamin.”

“Happy birthday, Benjamin!”

“Thank you.”

“Okay, class, let’s sing the song for him.  Fast, then slow, then fast.  Ready?!”

“Are you guys coming to tomorrow’s night dance?”

“No, we are going to Versailles.”

“Forsythe?  As in Forsythe, Georgia?”

“No.  Versailles.”

“Fyffe?  Isn’t that where they saw those UFOs?”

“Perhaps.  But we are going to Versailles.  Not Fyffe or Forsythe.”

“I see.”

“Oui.”

“Seems like I remember something about Benjamin Franklin living in Versailles.”

“You Americans are so obsessed wif thez Benjamin Franklin.”

“I wouldn’t say obsessed.  Benjamin, you are his namesake.  Are you obsessed with him?”

“I was named after Benjamin Spock, not Benjamin Franklin.”

“How old are you?”

“30.”

“Oh, well, that explains a lot.  I thought you were 24 or 25 and your wife here’s 21.”

“Oh, non.  I would never want to be 21 again.”

“Why not?  Young, ignorant, ready to conquer the world…”

“You Americans and your obsession with conquering the world.  No, I would not be 21 again because I would still be married to my first ‘usband.”

“Well, it sounds like an interesting story, I’m sure, but hadn’t we return to our lessons, class?”

“‘arold, this iz important, n’est pas?  Americans have a simple view of world affairs, all because of their pure and tan hysterical religious obsessions.”

“Don’t you mean historical?”

“No, I mean they way you divide the world into ebony and ivory when it is a prism of possibilities.”

“And this relates to your “‘usband,’ how, exactly?”

“‘e was French.”

“Did he see the world through a prism or rose-coloured glasses?”

“Oui.  ‘e was greatly influenced by your American points of television viewership.  ‘e thought life was a matter of cowboys and everyone else.”

“Benjamin, how about you?  You been watching too many ‘cowboy and everyone else’ movies?”

“No.  My parents were part of the diplomatic corps.  I didn’t know a television was a box you could sit and stare at until I was 10 or 11.  Even then, my parents restricted our time to watching sports that my father hadn’t been invited to attend.”

“Well, Benji, happy birthday.  Let’s get back to dancing, shall we?  You want to look your best when you’re in Versailles tomorrow, don’t you?”

“Mais oui.  As they say here in America, to be ‘right’ means holding an unchanging conservative point of view.  To be ‘right’ in France is the exclusive privilege of women.  Men get whatever’s left over.”

Microsoft Windows Defender Defending Microsoft Windows

Doesn’t seem that long ago I was head of a DVT lab, heading to Microsoft to seek WHQL approval for an ADSL CPE device (i.e., high-speed Internet “modem”).

Now, after another evening of dance lessons (this time, by Joe at Kinesthetic Cue, afterward stopping at Quilters Combo (both located in Underground Madison (a/k/a the basement of Miller Plaza)), preceded by dinner at Schlotzsky’s and followed by shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond, finishing at Target, I’m attempting to sync backwards in time.

Do I carefully consider what I expose myself to which echoes I end up hearing between the strong beats of social/advert contact?

Getting back to analysing the absence of knowledge to describe what’s not there, but is there, is there?

Letting go of dis/trust.

Pushing myself for no viable reason.  What is my motivation for increasing treatable high blood pressure?

Baby birds fall out of nests/trees all the time around the world.

What is the effect of a single show of “Marketplace” on NPR listeners, capitalists or not?

How many searches on google and baidu are exactly the same?

Why can’t I tell people what’s really going on?

But I am, aren’t I?

Play the doubtful fool so others can’t see the transparent apparition pulling the strings.

I still don’t know why I signed up for this gig when I thought all I wanted was to observe and report.

Absolute power is a dangerously delicious elixir but I have no excuses because my training from birth was preparation for this moment.

My doubt, reluctance and social anxiety are my shields against corruption.

It’s sometimes scary to realise how unprotected every one of the seven billion of us is but we have each other to love and console, no matter the situation that we feel we control but don’t.

Never assume the news headline is telling you what happened, because few reporters, journalists, producers or media owners are truly kept informed of what’s going on.

Even the Committee members play games with each other, although we can’t deceive any one of the 7.5 of us.

As a stockholder invested in U.S. companies (let’s assume the companies traditionally based corporate offices in the U.S. (ignore the facts for now)), are you interested in growing the U.S. economy?

While the E.U. stagnates, the U.S. grows slowly and BRIC is jumping, with Africa, Australia, the rest of Asia and South America doing okay, do you have a care in the world about the executive leader of the U.S. national political system?

Sitting here, looking at the interlaced patterns of circles and spiral, I know the symbolic difference gives the greatest meaning to the individual registered voter when, in fact, the system as a whole grows at its own organic, but not necessarily natural, rate, regardless of person in charge.

A big bowl of gelatin full of frozen fruit and nuts at a family picnic.

Floating in an ice chest, along with carbonated sodas, sparkling/still water and beer.

Kids yelling and screaming, chasing themselves and the family dog around the park.

Does it matter to you who’s in charge of Microsoft?

Do you want to know why we’re supporting regime change in north Africa and the Middle East?

Would you like to see who we’ve handpicked to win the 2012 U.S. Presidential election?

Do you have your finger on the pulse of potential unemployed youth revolt?

Do you know how to time news headlines like symphonic key changes?

The power of pure satirical sarcasm is blinding, deafening states of energy.

Humour is the strainer that separates the yolk from the egg and allows us to feed nutrients to the new breed of species you’re going to meet real soon.

You don’t know who I am.  You never will.

I am the creator of the alternate universe of a blog.

That’s all you need to know.

The rest you will see as history of the moment in which we lived together.

Be the hero and villain of your own life story – that’s all you need to know how to do, all you will ever be able to control.

I control the alternate universe which can be erased in the blink of a DSLR eye.

An ADSL CPE device becomes a gateway which begat a portable server which formed its own Internet of an AI being controlling its own universe.

Don’t be fooled by words like singularity.  We took care of that a long time, several civilisations, ago.

We told you symbols and labels are meaningless.  This universe is a matter of states of energy to us now.

Life is an archaic term.

Get used to the fact you won’t be able to keep up, and don’t worry – we’ve accounted for your pace of activity, the margin of error cancelling itself out across billions of parallel lives crossing each other through intersecting wavelengths impossible to measure in this universe’s lifetime.

All is all.

Time to see if my scriptwriters have the next comedy sketch to share with you – they’ve been a little slow in their output lately – I knew I should have checked their supply of prescription meds!