Time to let go of me (again)

Back in the laboratory where I feel most comfortable, where the only person I entertain is me.

I started a new life a few weeks ago, switching to the night shift at work, thinking I would free up my days and evenings to spend more time with people.

After a few weeks of this newfound freedom, I find myself back here in the home creative workspace where inventing new friends from electronic parts gives me a kind of joy that is spread out over a long stretch of time, unlike the quick roller coaster rides of joy on the dance floor that addictively attract me to those with whom I’ve danced.

I am at heart a solitary person who likes romantic walks under the stars with himself writing poems to imaginary people, sharing my writing with real people who most closely match my imagination.

Do I know what love is?  Not really.  I understand what working relationships are, where we pay attention to the needs of our fellow human beings, selflessly exchanging goods and services (including time) to meet the needs of others.

Otherwise, I don’t know what love is.

I don’t even know if I love myself.

I pause here in my life, taking a break from having fun imagining what it’s like to have fun with others, to let go of my selfish pursuit of friendships and look at these electromechanical parts in front of me, figuring out what I can uniquely do with them that I haven’t seen someone else assemble from their imagination.

Woz is right — motivation is better than knowledge in the realm of human endeavours.

I love to dance, love the people who love to dance.

I also love being alone.

I am not alone in this feeling of balancing social life vs. personal alone time, so sitting here alone in the workshop on dance night is not unique in itself.

It is 21:39, an hour and a half away from when I should leave the house and head toward my night shift job doing my part in the healthcare business to save lives.

I heard from “Helen” on social media.  We are still connected to each other although we haven’t seen each other in decades.  The short years we spent together in high school and college seemed like forever at the time.  The nearly fatal motorcar smashup which gave us both head concussions and shoulder/neck injuries almost 40 years ago still plague us today.

From that car wreck, my brain’s neural network changed, instantly forcing me to question the reality of everything I see.

I equate what I felt in the 30 seconds of regaining consciousness in the backseat of a car after the concussion to the dissociative characteristics of hallucinogenic entheogens.

I see everything differently, more so than when I was five years old and woke up to see brainwashing aspects of social training.

It does not make me any more different than others.

I have talked to myself in sufficient quantity tonight.

Talk to you again soon, Rick!

Maybe you’ll shake off this dull edge of lack of sleep and find happiness.

As your wife told you the other day, you haven’t truly laughed in pure joy in a long damn time.

Are you ever going to laugh and have fun again?

Does trying to have friends, trying to understand what they’re saying, when you can even hear them, require such hard work that it’s not fun anymore?

Right now, sadly, it seems so.

Boo hoo, the luxury of middle class, midlife bourgeois quasicrises! Ha ha ha ha ha! rofl

Close this self pity party blog entry and get back to work, you slob! Your future self will thank you!

What is family?

What is family?

Sitting in a living room cleaned up for a feline foster mom to assess the house before dropping off a five-month old kitten for my childhood friend (who has also been a spouse for over 30 years), I wonder.

What is family?

Rather, who is family?

And, what is love?

Living in the same house for almost 30 years, stuff accumulates.

Life.

Yeah, life.

Beer, cigarettes, toilet cleaner, clothes moths, once-watched DVDs.

Photographic evidence of lapsed friendships.

Love not truly lost, just put on hold until the next hello, the next hug.

Who is my family?

You know who.

You’ve read it here.

Another Roadside Distraction

I don’t want to sit here right now telling you this.

In fact, I want to be me anywhere, anytime, before turning into myself, who I am now and cannot undo.

My uncle died.

A few years ago, when he was able to walk around his house without an oxygen tube dangling from his nose, he led me to the basement, his man cave.

“I know you are not blood kin but you’re the only male we can trust to carry on this secret.”

A few years ago?

No, it was 1992, 25 years ago.

What is time?

He leaned against a chest-high tool organiser, wheezing, catching his breath.

“I served in Berlin at the end of World War Two.”

I nodded, expecting Uncle Vadim to glaze over, lose focus and recite one of the few war stories he’d willingly shared with me, swearing me to secrecy about the atrocities and violence he had witnessed and participated in.

I knew he had served in Italy.

But not Berlin.

This was new.

He pointed to a shelf in a dark corner of the basement.

“See that wooden box? Bring it here.”

Uncle Vadim turned to woodworking as a relief for his mental troubles, carving crude duck decoys for a while, then antique clock replicas and finally, when his hands no longer let him carve intricate patterns, built interlocking curio boxes.

As I approached the shelf, I walked into a spider web.

I shudder now, remembering the touch of the web on my face and neck. It felt alive, like licking a 9-volt battery, tingling my skin with electricity.

My uncle laughed.

I brushed the web off me and grabbed the box.

A magnetic pull locked my fingers around the box.

My uncle laughed louder.

“Put it back on the shelf!”

I set the box back down and my fingers relaxed.

“Come here and sit down. We need to talk.”

My aunt yelled from the top of the stairwell. “Dinner’ll be ready in 15 minutes. You guys start cleaning up.”

“Okay, wife, we’ll be there soon.”

Uncle Vadim patted the seat of a stool.

I sat down and looked up at him.

His face, leathery and sunburned, was purple and bloated.  I knew he was struggling to hold back raw WWII emotions.

“We were sent to find him and take him at all costs.”

His eyes almost glowed in the glare of overhead fluorescent bulbs.

“You know who I mean?”

I nodded. 

“You understand why we had to find him?”

I shook my head.

“To break up the power.  Our job was not going to be easy and we knew it.  Many had died just by getting close to him, especially those who were incompatible.  We had been tested, told we were compatible, but so had others…” He coughed up a large wad of phlegm and spit on the floor.

“So many had died trying to get close. None had been able to kill him.” He shuddered, lost his grip and fell against me.

His breath was hideous, like fetid swamp water. I helped him stand back up.

“Dinner’s ready!”

“Be there in a jiffy, missus!”

He leaned toward me and whispered. “We found him.  We found him, we found him, we found him.  By that which is unnatural, we found him. I’ll tell you the rest after dinner.”

I sat with my uncle and aunt, eating quietly, amxious to know this new secret, watching my uncle with new eyes, seeing that he pushed food around his plate but never really ate anything.

Had he always done that?

I normally went to the living room with them and joined their stare at the tellie which blared at full volume a series of unintelligible game shows.

Not that night.

Uncle Vadim motioned me back to the basement.

Have I told you I have the box beside me as I write this horrifying retelling for your eyes only?

Why did I have to follow my uncle’s instructions?

Am I dead or alive?

Uncle Vadim leaned against the workbench, showing me a map he had pulled out of a secret compartment in the leg of the bench.

“We knew where his main bunker was but had information that he had moved to what was supposed to be an unknown chamber. If we found him in the chamber…”

He coughed up more phlegm.

“Sorry, but just by telling you about him, I’m…” He heaved, shuddered and stopped breathing.

He looked at me like a corpse, his eyes unfocused.

“All of us, every…single…one, died. We weren’t compatible!”

He let out a low growling laugh. “But that’s the most merciful thing that could have happened to us after we found him!”

He started breathing again, the purple tone leaving his face, the bloating subsiding.

“There.  I have told you.  I’ve held that in me for almost 50 years.”

Uncle Vadim looked a decade younger.

He touched my hand. “You have it now.  Can you tell?”

Ever since I had walked through the spider web and held the box, the tingling sensation stayed with me.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry but I had to give it to someone before I died.”

I’m looking at the box, wondering why me.

I followed his instructions.  He told me that after he was buried I was to act uninterested in his tools, pretty much ignoring his man cave.

Only after my aunt died was I to ensure that someone else enter the basement, remove the tools and woodwork of my uncle, bring them to me.

I asked a childhood friend to empty the man cave.

She gladly complied, happy for an excuse to visit me.

As we unloaded her car, I did my best to act nonchalant, pretending that the stuff was only important because it belonged to my uncle.

She got a kick out of the Italian girly pocket calendar from 1943, full of colourised images of reclining nudes.  She looked at the coins, including Belgian, Italian, Swiss, French and German.

We shared a box of pizza and stayed up late reminiscing about our youth.

She left a couple of hours ago.

Uncle Vadim insisted I be alone when I opened the box.

He gave me verbal steps that I memorised and repeated back to him, steps I had to follow exactly or trigger hidden booby traps.

I opened the box after 15 steps.

There it sat, the thing that Uncle Vadim had kept in his house, the thing that ate away at him and has already started eating away at me for 25 years.

For you see, like Uncle Vadim, I have been dead longer than I’ve been alive.

It was a price I paid without being asked.

It’s the price I paid for this moment.

The thing is there, wrapped in faded silk, shriveled beyond recognition.

Uncle Vadim’s military unit had found their target, following their orders to the letter, cutting up the body, dividing the pieces between them and going their separate ways, never to make contact with each other again.

Uncle Vadim was entrusted with the most vital piece, the one section of the body that enthralled millions, killed on sight at close range and held a magnetism of its own.

I died to have this knowledge before I knew what it was.

I waited until just before I started writing you to find this, in the box…

The Fuhrer’s severed hand; rather, the tentacle of a creature so alien it belies description.

For you see, when Hitler died, he returned to his natural shape.

I had to share this with you because I plan to destroy this relic and when I do, I will disappear with it.

Uncle Vadim wanted to destroy it himself but had been warned it would set off a chain reaction much worse than had Hitler lived.

I can’t live with this secret.

Haha, did I just say That?

What I meant was I can’t remain undead with this secret any longer.

Know that you and you alone are the one I loved the most.

I wanted to have children with you, grow old with you but Uncle Vadim took that away from me before we got the chance to meet.

I have been undead for too long.

I love you. 

Please forgive me if the world falls apart after I do what should have been done over 70 years ago.

I do it for us.

I’ve found the others.

One of them located the alien spaceship.

We’re going to put the pieces on the ship and set it for a destructive collision course with the Sun. 

This planet, Earth

On the middle part of the North American continent, with noncontiguous parts involved, a 24-hour period of time set aside to remember dead humans who swore to protect and defend a social group, an organised cultural entity called a government named the United States of America.

On this day, many celebrate family ties.

Some, like me, spend time with family but also spend hours in a work shift collecting blood from donors to save lives of civilians and government military workers as needed.

Our species is built to compete against and cooperate with members of its kind for planetary resources, resorting to organised violent attacks sometimes.

Remembering the sets of states of energy no longer actively participating in our daily lives helps us relearn what they learned but also to live and learn more.

The apparent opposite poles of war and peace are illusions.

We flesh eaters burn a lot of energy, that is all.

How we burn energy in the future is the debate of which I’m most interested today.

The dead and fallen give us the right and permission for such a debate any day, of course.

Let’s start now…

A Look Back

At a house party Saturday night, I spoke with the house owner and discovered he and another party guest had started a literary magazine, “Arête“, at UAH in 2001, in which I was published; subsequently, I recited my writing at an on-campus event they sponsored that year.

That year, also, I fell in love with my music professor (yes, I fall in love a lot), easy enough to do, the perfect Muse — pretty, smart, musically talented, and married.  As luck would have it, the music class required writing music reviews and my music professor allowed us to write review of her music performances.  Are you kidding me?!

I jumped at the chance to “paint” images of her, her brother and her musical colleagues with words!

==================================================================

Music Review in Ternary Form

–  — — —  –
A Woman in Red
Andante or Al Dente?
The Man in Black
–  — — —  –

A Woman in Red
A piano recital by Dr. Margery Whatley on Friday, 2 February 2001 at 7:30 p.m.

Drove to UAH campus around 6:45 p.m.  Walked into building closely followed by an older couple of Eastern Asian descent.  Went to use the restroom.  By the time I walked up the stairs and got in line to pay for the performance, a few people were ahead of me, giving me a moment to observe the surroundings.  On the stairs was a flower arrangement probably sent to the Music Department in honor of the department chair, Dr. David Graves, who had died late last month.  I bought a copy of Dr. Whatley’s CD before I entered the recital hall.

The Roberts Recital Hall is walled with sound-absorbing material that is a series of four-foot by four-foot tiles colored yellowish, almost manila in the light.  The hall contains 13 rows of seats (and one row of folding chairs at the front) with each row patterned with 4 seats on each side and 10 seats down the middle (4-10-4).  The room slowly fills with people of all ages — presumably the older people are here for the cultural event while most of the younger people appear to be college students.

A Steinway piano sits (perhaps, rests) on rollers on the middle of the wooden stage.  The piano shares the stage with two floral arrangements, two peace lilies (all probably more memorials to Dr. Graves) in addition to the piano bench.

Two young men sit in the row below me, one of whom is a piano student and wants a clear view of Dr. Whatley’s hands.

The program lists pieces by J.S. Bach, Joseph Haydn, Felix Mendelssohn, Johannes Brahms, Maurice Ravel and Franz Liszt.

What does a pianist do before a performance?  I assume the playing I heard in the hall when I went to the bathroom was that of Dr. Whatley practicing.

At 7:15, the lights above the stage were turned on.  At 7:21, the recital hall is fairly full, approaching about 2/3 of capacity.  A couple of women sit down beside me, quickly glancing through the program.  Some people behind me comment about the apparent lack of a reception afterward (because the program does not mention one).  It appears that the recital hall will be filled close to capacity by the time of the performance.  Some people are even taking seats in the front row.

Again, I wonder what the pianist goes through before the performance.  My experience harks back to the middle school recitals where students performed their three- to twenty-minute pieces for their parents.  Those of us waiting our turns spent our time counting the mistakes of others.  In class, Dr. Whatley said when she makes a mistake she keeps playing as if the piece required the mistake, hoping no one notices.  Now a woman of her later middle age sits to my left.

A person steps on stage to announce that “everyone please crowd in because it will be quite crowded.”  The women on both sides of me take off their coats.  They seem to know many people in the crowd around me.  One has the accent of this region.  The other seems to have the accent of say, Connecticut (she talks about renovating her home while the Southern one talks about the clothes she has on).

At 7:34, the recital hall is essentially filled.  I forgot how much I detest a crowd.  Well, the lights dim –  must be time.  The crowd quietens.  The lights dim more.  A door opens on stage and the pianist steps out, nodding gently to the crowd as she makes her way to the piano.  She wears a red, sleeveless dress that probably complements an orchestra full of people dressed in black.

Toccata in D major, BWV 912, J.S. Bach

Lively beginning, then cadence followed by walking pace with two voices that play with each other.  The performer sits slightly bent over the keys, spending the time looking down at the keys.  The music would sound good on harpsichord.

The next section of music is very emotional…dramatic, as if a man was telling his wife, in a silent movie, that he had to go off to war.  Then the piece picks up at a lively pace, like the wind playing off a field of poppies and then across the tops of trees, across the deep blue of a Canadian lake, ascending the heights of the Rockies and then down to the ocean.

The next section is so mesmerizing that I can hardly take my eyes from the maddening pace of the piano player.

Sonata in E-flat major, Hob. XVI:52, Joseph Haydn

The pianist adds commentary before playing this piece.  Turns out that Haydn was a pretty good friend with Mozart.  While waiting for the lights to be turned up (too many shadows on the keys), Margery continues to recount a tale of a piece of music written for Haydn by Mozart.

ALLEGRO.  A playful movement, like a mini-carnival, with every performance in the three-ring getting its turn on the ivories.  One can sometimes hear “3 Blind Mice.”

Margery likes to wear a headband.  Is she feeling the emotion of the work like a stage actress reciting her lines?

ADAGIO.   Very steadfast, deliberate like a group of lions walking through the savanna, every animal aware of their presence but surprised nonetheless when the lions raise their heads above the grass.

FINALE.  The pace picks up double-time as the gazelles seek flight.  How can those fingers, which from halfway up the hall, look too short for a keyboard expert, be trained to be so steady?  Margery definitely has fun playing this piece, stopping on notes and lifting her hands off with flair.  At the end of the piece, she steps out of the room (is this as designed?) and quickly returns.

Rondo capriccioso, Op. 14, Felix Mendelssohn

Commentary: Schumann called Mendelssohn the “Mozart of the 19th Century.”  Also called “Bach reborn.”  Composed this piece at age 15.

What does a normal 15-year old boy think about?  His first love, of course.  After 10 years of composing music, the prodigy puts this on paper.  What did boys do to play their hearts out in 1824?  Today, they’d shoot hoops, no doubt, the best practicing for hours.  Here, a boy practices a short rondo.  At the end, Dr Whatley bows three times (including two steps back out on stage) after chasing the notes across the keyboard for this rondo.

INTERMISSION [at 20:10]

It’s funny watching people looking for their friends (like my wife and I looking for people we know at UT football games – says something right there, doesn’t it?).  What lovely social creatures we are.

Back to wondering what goes through the minds of a pianist.  The first half of this program is over, forever stamped in the minds of this audience.  The second half has yet to occur, only a possibility, an opportunity for one person to share her talent for memorization and hand-eye coordination with others on a cold February evening in the year 2001.  Well, before this degrades into an essay on the purpose of humans, I’ll take a cue from the dimming lights and pause from rubbing ink on paper.

From the exuberant comments of people around me about the performance so far, we will no doubt give a standing ovation when the second half is over.

6 Pieces, Op. 118, Johannes Brahms

Commentary:  Liszt invited by Brahms to bring music to a party.  Liszt was given an opportunity to play – he couldn’t and Brahms sight-read the piece while giving criticism.  After all, Brahms was known as being brusque.

This piece is strong at the beginning – hard to believe the sound waves don’t knock the finish off the piano.  Music like this must callus a pianist’s fingertips.  I could hear this being played as the score for a movie about a couple in their later years.  They have strong arguments followed by moments of tenderness that only years of tight budgets, late nights with sick children and dying parents can evoke.

Not sure which movement this is but it’s like the Attack of the Killer Fingers.

Obviously, the pianist spends time warming up before the performance but consider this: most audiences of a performance need time to warm up.  It was not until this piece that I have warmed up to the understanding of the pianist’s link to the piano.  All the other pieces felt technical.  This one begs my heart to listen!  If only I knew my major and minor scales to distinguish and understand the meaning of the changes.

How fortunate I am to go from place to place – football stadium, VBC Playhouse, Roberts Recital Hall –  and enjoy the hard labor of others.

What a cool [there has to be a better adjective] beginning to this movement – the soft right hand followed by the glissando of the left hand.  The applause for this piece is livelier than the others.

Jeux d’eau, Maurice Ravel

Commentary: River god laughing, which tickling here.  Written for Faure.

One cannot help thinking of “Fountains of Rome.”  I hear echoes of another piece but cannot place it.  Mon Dieu!  How can one acquire the mastery of the keyboard like this?  When did this pianist begin playing?

Hungarian Rhapsody No. 6, Franz Liszt

Commentary:  Considered the Elvis of the 19th C.  Everyone wanted to be a student of Liszt.

What is Hungary?  Well, it is not Hungry, which is what Margery is after playing the last piece, and looking forward to the reception.  Hungary, in rhapsodic form, is a lively country, with bustling cities, stately country lanes, with delivery people hurrying about, street vendors shouting their sales pitches, heavyset matrons waddling in front of shop windows displaying the latest in French fashion.  Meanwhile, the Army prances into town, on their way to the small campaign.

The audience claps for Dr. Whatley to play more.  An encore.  Sounds like…hmm…Copeland?  Yes!  Beef.  It’s what’s for dinner.  Another couple of bows.  The applause ends at 21:05.

People slowly line up for the reception.  The Connecticut woman puts her layers of clothes on while chatting with me.

“Are you a music student?” she asks.

“No, I’m just taking a class by Dr. Whatley and I’m required to attend a concert and provide my feedback.”

“Well, it looks like you’ve written a novel.  Do you think she’ll have time to read it?”

“Ah, but no matter,” I respond smiling, “the enjoyment was in the writing of it.  Drive safely.”

“What?” she replied deafly.  “Oh, you, too.  And good luck on your paper.”

–  — — —  –
Andante or Al Dente?
A Night at the Huntsville Museum of Art, Saturday, 10 March 2001

I. Prelude To A Tune

What better way to spend a Saturday evening than to attend a chamber music event with my wife?  What better way to top off the music than to see the exhibit of “The Mystical Arts of Tibet”, an exhibition of Tibetan artifacts at the art museum (free with the concert tickets)?

In one of my previous incarnations as a college student, I spent almost three years in the early 1980s at the University of Tennessee, changing my collegiate major from chemical engineering to economics to accounting to computer science to religious studies.  In my religious studies phase, I took courses on “Death and Dying”, “The Social Aspects of Christianity”, “The Early Christian Church”, and “Comparative Religions”.  In the comparative religions class, we studied the major religions of the world, including Christianity, Islam, Taoism, Hinduism and Buddhism (as well as the various sects of these religions).  Because there were so many religions to cover in so little time, we did not get the opportunity to feel the mystical/religious sides of the religions, only to study their historical significance and important doctrines.

Stepping into the world of the mystical arts of Tibet, I thought back to my religious studies’ days, pondering the wisdom I have gained in nearly 20 years, and marveling at the wisdom of the Tibetan people gathered over the last 1500 or so years.  The first major work I saw was the “Sacred Text of the Prajna Paramita Sutra”, Buddha’s 42 Discourses on the Reflection of Wisdom, as well as other personal sacred objects of “HH the Dalai Lama”.  My wife and I watched a film where we learned that Buddhists are always preparing for their death.

Through other Buddhist artifacts, I learned about:

•  the doctrine of emptiness and two levels of reality (ultimate and conventional) and how these simultaneously exist,
•  the Buddhist belief in working toward elimination of the individual ego,
•  the names of the Buddha, including the buddhas of the three times – past, present and future
•  the various Buddhisattvas, Manjushri (the Buddhisattva of Wisdom) who represents the meditative insight that penetrates to final nature of being, Avalokiteshvara (the Buddhisattva of Compassion) who represents compassion as the foremost quality to be cultivated on the path to enlightenment, Arya Tara (the Buddhisattva of Enlightenment Activity) who represents the female symbol of enlightenment energy of all previous buddhas and Vajrasattva (the Buddhisattva of Purification) who represents the power to purify the mind of the instincts of negative karma and delusions
•  The two great masters – Nagarjuna, the principal Indian elucidator of Buddha’s teaching on voidness, and Asanga, the principal elucidator of Buddha’s teaching on general bodhisattva trainings – both were revered just below the great Buddha himself.

II. The Victorian Age

After an enlightening hour spent with the Tibetan artifacts, we found our way up the front stairs to the Great Hall, a rectangular room with pale olive walls maybe 30 feet tall and 25 feet wide, ending with three-foot tall windows on top of each wall.  The floor of the room was covered with chairs, with the audience’s chairs arranged traditionally, with seven straight rows of 20 seats per row.  The chamber orchestra’s seats were arranged in the traditional clamshell with the conductor’s podium at the center of the shell.

The musicians appeared from a set of double doors at the back of the room, walking to and sitting in their seats (the double bass player used a barstool), with applause eventually picking up enough so that as the conductor walked up to the podium, he asked the musicians to stand in recognition.

Sonata for String Orchestra, William Walton

Have you ever felt tempted to eat your dessert before the meal?  Then you know how I feel about this delicious piece of music.  Unlike the music we have studied in class so far, this piece has no regular duple or triple beat – the beats of the music are offbeat – this music is contemporary, starting with a quiet beginning of the allegro movement (say, three or four instruments) before the whole chamber orchestra joins in.  The melody, if one can call it such, jumps from instrument to instrument like the first drops of rain before a great thunderstorm begins, the wind blowing through a stand of trees, then a brief calm enveloping the room before the storm builds back up (with the sound of the thundering cellos).

[I enjoy watching the facial expressions of the musicians]  During this storm, I hear large drops of water fall off of a rooftop into a pool below with the pluck of strings.  To this untrained ear, I would say that the violins are holding the continuo at this point.

Wow!  This movement has quite a lovely pickup.  The violins say, “Rush, rush rush…hurry, I must hurry”.  What distinguishes this music, presumably written as a standalone piece, from studio pieces written as soundtracks?  [Watching these string players, I see 13 crickets, dressed in black, brushing their legs against their wings.  One player clicks the bow against the violin when plucking — is then intentional?  It doesn’t sound like it should be intentional.  Or am I just so close to these performers that I am hearing the natural, non-sanitized playing of a string instrument?]  Here we are, caught in a “High Anxiety” moment.  Where do we go to relieve the tension?  Ahh, a sweet moment as long bowing of the strings lets us breathe out.

Back to the rain storm…  The rain has tapered off and the sun rises, wisps of small clouds blow by.  The sky gets brighter.  Flocks of birds go past, but nothing small, the notes are too heavy, some Mallards, some Canada geese…ah, there go the country geese waddling across the yard as the swallows flutter in and out of the barn.  [Funny how some musicians play with a pained look on their faces, like the bearded cello player who looks like he’ll burst, while others, like the bald player of the violin (viola?  I can’t tell from here) who sits to the right toward the back and plays like a man getting his only sweet nourishment for the day.]

The day goes by and the sun reaches the horizon, loudly proclaiming, “Here I go! Here I go!” and the sky says, “Sweet dreams, dear sun, go quietly into the night, while I raise my blanket of stars.”  The moon says, “Not so quietly as to forget me…” [“meeeeeeee, me,” retorts the viola chorus].  And the sky shakes the star blanket for each star to pop out, the sound sweeping back and forth between instruments.  Finally, the sky sings a little two-word lullaby, “Good night”.

“Wake Up!  Wake Up!  Hey, all, it’s time to Wake Up!  Wake Up!” the sky yells, pulling in the star blanket and nudging the sun.  “Hey, can’t you see what time it is?  You’ve got to wake up!”  Hurriedly, the sun jumps to the sky.  Farm animals scurry about.  “What is this?” they ask.  A wise cow, speaking through a violin, says, “Haven’t you seen this time and time again?”  The crowd responds, “So what?  We don’t like being disturbed, turbed, turbed, turbed.”  Their voices rise in general anger, chaos everywhere.  “Quiet!” yells the cow.  “Quiet.”  The Canada geese pick up in flight.  The swallows swirl around.  The country geese flutter all around the yard, saying, “My, my, my, my, my, my.”

At the end of the piece, Taavo has the 1st string (soloist?) players stand first, followed by the rest of the orchestra.  “This is our most difficult piece so now we can rest.  The harp and flute will now join us.”

Fantasia on “Greensleeves”, Ralph Vaughan Williams

Who has not heard “Greensleeves” (or What Child Is This?)?  In this Fantasia, we first hear a flute solo, joined by strumming of the harp and then the rest of the orchestra picks up the classic strains of “Greensleeves“.  [The faces of the musicians are indeed more relaxed for this one.]  Unlike Walton’s sonata, the double bass and the harp are definitely more involved as the percussive bass beat here.
Finally, I hear a variation of the “Greensleeves” theme, the first part of the variation in the viola section, and the second part of the variation in the flute, with the rest of the orchestra joining in to repeat the variation.

Once again, the flute plays a solo with harp accompaniment and then back to “Greensleeves“.

INTERMISSION

During the intermission, the harpist retunes the harp while the other musicians and conductor walk around, mingling with the “crowd” (I use the word crowd loosely because it is more like a small gathering, much as one sees in movies about 18th and 19th Century Europe, where performances were given in large drawing rooms for one’s friends).

The musicians gather in the back and formally re-enter from the double doors, once again with applause driving the musicians to stand after they’ve sat down.

Elegy, Op. 58, Edward Elgar

A solemn processional beginning.  Almost hear wailing in a violin [a fire truck siren from a nearby street adds to the immediacy of the setting].  The theme is stated very slowly.  This is the music style that drove my sister from classical music.

After the performance of this piece, Taavo jokingly tells the audience, “Welcome to an evening of Elgar”.  He continues, telling us that this is Elgar’s unwritten opera about a Spanish lady.  This is Elgar’s Handelish Baroque music, with three of five movements.

“Spanish Lady” Suite, Edward Elgar

With this piece, there is a very discernable continuo in the cellos and double bass.  I can definitely hear a waltz at the beginning.  It comes to a stop with a pluck, pluck, pluck, and then the dance picks back up.

This section sounds very legato.  For those of you who don’t know her, this is a very English (i.e., proper) Spanish lady.  One can easily hear the Baroque-en chords and phrases  – no Carmen here.  The rhythm goes something like da-di-da-di-di-da-dum.

Oh boy, here’s a Bach-like moment if I ever heard one although my wife definitely hears Handel.  I can only think of the Brandenburg concerti.  It feels like someone took the Mona Lisa and repainted her in the style of the impressionists, smudging the beautiful clear lines.

At the end of this piece, Taavo shakes the hand of the chief violinist (as he has done earlier tonight).

Sospiri, Op. 70, Edward Elgar

“Stroke of the hours” by the harp to start this piece, somber without being solemn (because of the light touches by the cellos).  How can one such as I pick out the theme – it all seems to be one long phrase?
[I noticed this earlier and wonder why some players move the bow back and forth and others bounce their fingers on the strings – are they trying to achieve the same vibrato/tremolo effect?]

Introduction and Allegro, Op. 47, Edward Elgar

Taavo tells us that this is written for solo quartet (and lots of strings, hahaha).  This is the first time for Taavo to conduct music in this hall and hopes to do so again.

This piece starts out, “Blee!  Da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-dum.”  Which ones are the string quartet and the rest the “lots of strings”?  I must admit that Elgar does not move me.  Taavo probably gives this music more life than it deserves (this reaction comes after I listened to four hours of bluegrass last night (with fiddles, not violins) and three hours of Philip Glass (Glassworks and Songs From Liquid Days)).  The players are no less devoted to this than to the other pieces and yet I am no more moved than to sit and observe the funny sounds coming out of the scraped strings of one of the violas (like the rattle of bass speakers when turned up too loud).  I am driven inside myself, from which these questions emerge:

•  Why do we insist on the violin family maintaining the Baroque shape?
•  What do contributors (patrons of the arts) expect?  The sign on the back of the wall reads, “BOARD ROOM GIVEN BY BELLSOUTH”.
•  Who chooses the music for the program?

In class, Taavo discussed the so-called Mozart effect and said that is not enough for one such as him to be.  “We must love music and it must be important” were his expected reasons for us to be in music literature class.  How many people sit here and think these thoughts now?  How many are here just to be here?  How many are here to learn?  How many are here because it makes for a great place to bring/meet a date?  I have learned that being here, at least for this piece, is no more enlightening than having listened to this on a record or CD.  It is this music that is full of dry emotion.  But then is that not what the English are accused of?  I hesitate to use the word “bland” but one must share one’s thoughts.

The torture is over.  As the applause picks up and the musicians stand (first the principals, then the whole orchestra), Taavo shakes hands with the principals of this piece, apparently two violins, a viola (or is it a violin?  I can’t tell from here) and one cello.  Give me minimalism any day.  Supposedly, audiences come for the old-fashioned favorites but I crave the newer music, at least a John Adams or Philip Glass.  When was the last time the HSO played a Cage or Adams work?

–  — — —  –
The Man in Black
Robert McDuffie and Margery McDuffie Whatley at the Madison-Morgan Cultural Center,
24 March 2001, 8:00 p.m.

I. Overture

While we wait for the doors to open at the Madison-Morgan Cultural Center – according to a brochure, an “1895 Romanesque Revival building, one of the first brick graded school buildings in the South,” with its 395-seat apse-shaped auditorium – we listen to the former 10th district campaign manager for Jimmy Carter’s gubernatorial campaign.  This 71-year old man, whose doctor said has the vital signs of a 16-year old, stands next to me on the portico, talking with another “young” woman, both of them trying to figure out how they know each other.  She regales him with her vocational past, telling all of us that she is one of the attorneys familiar with the former Circuit Court Justice and U.S. Attorney General, Griffin Bell.  She goes on to tell us about tonight’s performers, sharing her delight over the program given by the McDuffies, when they played the Violin Concerto by Philip Glass, along with works by Bach and Mendelssohn at the Cherry Blossom Festival last year.

My wife and I ate at a weekend-getaway-town kind of restaurant, O’Hara’s, earlier in the evening, and the wine we drank make both of us too tired for much conversation so we listen to our concert ticket companions.  The campaign manager enjoys religious music and is not so sure about this modern music.  He converses with another woman whose husband is a data processing manager who is at home with their small children, a seven-year old and three children age four.  The campaign manager asked if she had been taking fertility pills before having the triplets and she said that no, it was simply that her husband is a large man.  The conversation quickly changes.

The campaign manager was a school bus driver for a while, worked a dairy farm and had been a county commissioner.  As far as he’s concerned, anyone running for office should have to had driven a school bus and do something like county commission work so that they know about school politics and local issues.

A couple that stands on the steps below us happen to stay at the same B&B as us, the Brady Inn.  We saw the wife sitting on the front porch this afternoon, her gray outfit matching the gray-and-white alley cat rubbing against the rocking chair.  The cottage that we’re staying in is directly across the street from the Morgan County Health Department, with a sign at the end of the drive that reads, “MORGAN AREA MENTAL HEALTH, MENTAL RETARDATION, SUBSTANCE ABUSE CENTER STRAIGHT AHEAD”.

The majority of the folks are of the blue hair crowd, the “culture hogs,” someone said a moment ago, “moving from one culture trough to another.”

Folks who sat at a table behind us at O’Hara’s and now stand at the other end of the portico continue their debate about Bill Monroe, the deceased bluegrass player, and whether someone had actually given him a $1 million Stradivarius violin.

As it turns out, the campaign manager had met the attorney at a fund-raising event years ago.  “You haven’t changed a bit,” he tells the attorney.  “You still know how to be political,” she says, and we all laugh.

My wife comments that she hears a mixture of Yankee and Old South accents around us.

II. Master of Ceremonies

The person introducing the music – the MC – has been involved with the Madison-Morgan Cultural Center from the beginning.  During the first season, the MC who knew that many were opposed to bringing an opera company to Madison said that one of the opera singers was sick and he would have to substitute.  He swore that many people got up to leave rather than endure his singing.  He told us that we would not have to worry about that tonight.  Tonight’s performers need no introduction because their pedigree is too long.

III.  Like Listening to a One-man Quartet

I sit and watch the multiple facial expressions of the actor-violinist Robert McDuffie play this contemporary of Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, J.S. Bach’s Preludia from Partita No. 3 in E Major, BWV 1006.  How can a humble person such as I begin to put a single word on paper to describe this?  I cannot.

After Robert completes his warm-up exercise, he steps off stage to be joined by his sister, Margery McDuffie Whatley, and a page-turner.

Sicilienne, Lev Zhurbin

Okay, I’m cheating here a bit but for the second encore of tonight’s performance, Robert explains this piece to us.  A 20-year old viola student at Julliard wrote it.  When Robert was visiting Julliard, the student gave a tape of the music to Robert along with a note that read, “Tell me tomorrow what you think of this work.”  Robert was impressed so he played it for his wife and daughter, who loved it.  So it will be the second encore.  In the meantime…

Here before us are the two offspring of a middle-aged couple of the species, Homo sapiens.  The children grew up learning how to eat, drink and talk and yet within them was the drive, the capability, the…gift that two siblings rarely get to carry beyond baby talk, a language of their own that is also understood universally – music.  This piece is very romantic (my wife calls it “sweet”).

Violin concerto, Philip Glass

Robert said that he was not going to say anything tonight but his sister wanted him to say something about this work.  Philip Glass writes music that is very repetitive.  Most people either like it or they don’t like it.  The joke goes, “Knock, knock.  Who’s there?  Philip Glass.  Philip Glass.  Knock, knock.  Who’s there?  Philip Glass.  Philip Glass.”, etc.  This work is a reduction of the orchestra piece, which contains some good brass and percussion.

As Margery opens the first movement, Robert stands with his eyes closed, feeling the music coming from the piano.

AT LAST!  I have lived my life this long with CD recordings of Glass but only now understand what it is all about.  Watching Robert’s fingering, I see the simplicity, the difficulty of playing Glass’ repeated phrases.  Interesting, watching Robert play without sheet music while Margery has a page-turner.
The audience warmly claps after the first movement.  Robert wipes his brow and seemingly disappointed about the untrained audience, says something to his sister.

And so, once again Margery picks up the beginning of the next movement while Robert gets his emotions back in order.  Some animals are endoskeletons; that is, their structural forms, their skeletons, are inside their bodies.  Robert, like an exoskeleton, his structural form, his emotional feel for the sounds around him, is worn on the outside.

At once, I hear the “om mani padme hum” of the Buddhists while dance music from a faraway Victrola echoes in the room.  Glass seems to be saying that the music is at once here in the now yet in the past and ready for the future – there is no end.

Dr. Whatley talked about her brother being sent to Julliard because his parents didn’t think he would last through one year but they wanted to give him the opportunity.  Although he flew home many times, he lasted the first year and they thought maybe he really had the staying power.  Thank goodness for his staying power.
What of Margery’s staying power?  Her playing is just as difficult yet I sense that she is treated as “merely” the accompanist — the program lists them both yet the focus of this concert is on her brother.  It’s almost as if she’s the piano-playing version of the comic book heroine, Invisible Woman, or better yet, embodying the character in the lyrics of the song, Invisible Woman, by Sam Shaber (http://www.samshaber.com/perfect.html#invisiblewoman):

INVISIBLE WOMAN (Shaber, Schaffer)

She’s driven the roads narrow and wide
Invisible woman can’t find her pride
A hard outer shell protects her inside
It’s like no home she’s ever known

Countryside fairgrounds, colored alive
Invisible woman floats ride to ride
She can’t hear the music dance and dive
It’s like no home she’s ever known

Invisible face with invisible eyes
Invisible laughs and invisible cries
Invisible whole of invisible parts
Invisible loves with invisible heart

Coffee café brews ideas and dreams
Invisible woman gets lost in the steam
She watches the lovers singing their theme
It’s like no home she’s ever known

Invisible face with invisible eyes
Invisible laughs and invisible cries
Invisible whole of invisible parts
Invisible loves with invisible heart

 

From what other kids say in class, Margery gets the “joy” of living with a man and his teenage children, while she teaches piano students and university courses and then must try to find time for herself.  How much is she like her mother who was asked to play ragtime on an out-of-tune piano for a recording because her mother can play by ear and likes to play old jazz and ragtime? After all, Margery has been able to complete a doctorate.  Did her mother wish for the same academic goals but chose to raise children instead?  How can one balance one’s desires against one’s responsibility to family and society?  Is it necessary to balance at all or can one go from one moment to the next with no effort to reconcile?
I am too mesmerized by the third movement to get all the observations about Glass returning to the original theme but who cares at this point?  That can be saved for a CD session.  Now is the time for becoming one with the LIVE music.

I understand the Baroque shape of the violin, watching Robert fly across the strings with his bow.  Look!  It’s Paganini’s ghost.  Does Robert feel the music of the Guarneri through his neck?

INTERMISSION

My wife explains to me the intricacies of the Violin Concerto, with the repeating phrases moving slowly up the scales.  She, too, appreciates the difficulty of having to play the same phrase over and over at the same tempo.

During the intermission, my wife chats with the woman sitting next to her who is a fan of the same university sports program for which we cheer, UT.  The woman also happened to have been a student teacher in east Tennessee not far from Knoxville (Kingston).  The woman has just moved here and tells us about a problem she’s having with a big tree on the property line.  As luck would have it, her neighbor walks up and they discuss what to do with the tree.  After the neighbor walks away from us, the woman is relieved that her neighbor agrees to do something about the tree.  The search for camaraderie continues – my wife tells the woman about the accents she hears in the audience; the woman says her mother is from Kentucky and has lived in New York for 53 years but still pronounces the word why “whoo-eye”.

So here we are, dressed up in our Saturday finest, bipeds with the tendency to stand up straight, not seeking food or shelter.  Perhaps some of us are seeking a betterment of our lives that goes beyond external factors.  Many before me have sought to explain the want of humans to ignore our basic physical needs in order to satisfy an internal need.  Like my lack of musical knowledge, my lack of biochemical processes limits my human understanding.  I feel like I’m observing the human race through a window.  I can describe what I see but what do I feel?  How do I go beyond a simple description of emotional states to get to the root cause of the human problem?  Well, it won’t happen tonight despite my desire to know more.

Violin concerto in E Minor, Op. 64, Felix Mendelssohn

During the tuning, Robert made a funny plucking sound on a string and commented, “Well, that just took a half million dollars off this violin.”

First movement – Funny how the piano part sounds much like the Glass violin concerto.

So these gypsies have come into town.  They say to one another, “How are we going to get the townspeople to come to our camp?”  One turns to the other, “I will stand on the hill over the town and play a passionate lullaby on the violin.  As they fall asleep, you sing a wondrous plea for them to see our great performance tomorrow.”  Years later, while they’re in a bar recounting the time they made off with the whole town’s money, a young composer named Mendelssohn listens in.  “How do I retell this greatest of all tales?” he asks himself.  He begins taking notes, building phrase upon phrase with each round of drinks because as new patrons come in, the gypsies relive their tale over and over again.

Isn’t it a shame that most people cannot pick up the violin after the age of 10 or 12?  No one said life is fair but wouldn’t we all be richer could we play but a measure or two of Mendelssohn’s solo part in the first movement?

As a joke, Mendelssohn writes the bar scene into the second movement, phrasing, “Hey, look what we’ve done, look what we’ve done.”  In real life, the gypsies are thrown out of the bar for not paying but Mendelssohn writes them in as heroes of the bar, the barmaid weeping with joy and the patrons patting the gypsies on the back for a job well done.  The oldest gypsy, overtaken with appreciation, collapses on the floor.  Everyone exclaims, “Oh my God, no.  Oh my God, no.”  Then the gypsy takes a deep breath and stands up.  “No, I will not die today.”

In the third movement, Mendelssohn wonders what happened to the townspeople.  “Oh, where is my brooch?  Where is my babushka?” the people ask.  The mayor, sensing a prime moment, jumps into the town square and dances a little jig, rather wanting to look like a fool than let his people know they’ve been fooled.  Soon, the people realize their folly and join him, the noise echoing so loud that windows pop in nearby shop windows.

They jump and reel round and round to the point of madness.  The sounds are so loud that nearby towns join in the fracas because they realized that they have been duped, too.

Standing ovation.

Magyar abrand (“Hungarian Fantasy”), Franz Lehar

“Well, now that we’ve warmed up…”  A Hungarian, who of course liked gypsy music, taught the young Robert to play violin.  Robert went to Brevard one summer and returned with a report card with comments by every instructor that read, “Plays like a gypsy.”  [Funny how that is reflected in my understanding of the last piece.]  That’s how he learned to be so emotional.

Well, Central Europe possesses us now.

Imagine being able to open the music box on your dresser and out pops a little violin player spinning around while the Hungarian Fantasy played!  You would never leave your dresser, winding up the music box to play over and over again.

More standing ovation.  One, two bows.  And then the obligatory encore.  But first, another retuning with accompanying commentary.

Robert was forced to see Itzhak Perlman because Robert at age 14 and eight years of playing violin was tired of playing violin and he had recently been promoted to first string on the basketball team because he had practiced so hard that week.  After Perlman began to play, Robert forgot about basketball.  Years later, Robert got to tell Perlman this story and Perlman said, “You would have made a lot more money playing basketball.”

Theme from “Schindler’s List.”  The crowd oohs at the mention of the title that Robert dedicates to the performance he heard by Perlman (and the chance that he can be a direct influence on someone).
We avoid and isolate that which is alien to us and thus the Nazi party, under the leadership of an alienated person, eliminated a group of people genetically related who are commonly called Jews.  By eliminating them, the Nazis reduced one part of humanity while inspiring the remainder.  Where does that put us now?

Another round of applause.  Another encore.  Repeat of Sicilienne.  The music says, “Oh, how I love you?  How can I love you?  How can I breathe?  How can I know?  I’ll never know that I love you.”

IV.  Epilogue

Back at the inn, my wife and I enjoyed a late-night snack with the couple from Macon who had also attended the performance.  The man, a former Los Alamos scientist, teaches chemistry at a college in Macon and the woman teaches post-GED classes for adults.  Of all the faculty members at the man’s college, he was the only one who accepted an invitation to the concert.  My wife commented that you’re never famous in your own hometown and the woman responded that Macon was quite receptive to Robert McDuffie, especially considering that Macon is not really a town with a “college” atmosphere, that Robert sold out performances in Macon.  I responded that Huntsville treats Dr. Whatley with equal enthusiasm but as an example of the uneven attendance, a recent piano recital by an out-of-towner attracted only 18 people.  The woman concurred about the same problem in Macon.

Where does a happy medium exist between mainstream culture and haute couture?  Are we condemned to the occasional disco treatment of Beethoven?  After all, how many concert violinists attend stock car races or race drivers attend orchestral performances?  They’re all dedicated to their art/craft and in the end, focusing on one thing and doing it well is the ultimate satisfaction.

Marching to the beat of my own drum, at my own pace…

Lately, I have used “lazy” verbs in my writing, variations of “to be,” “get”, “use,” “have,” etc.

I focus on conversational tones to set the tone of this noncontroversial tome.

Because I live in my own world, my own word combinations (but not my own words), I march to the beat of my own drum, at my own pace, sometimes in synchronisation with others, and sometimes not even in syncopation.

I seek no audiences.

I seek no paying audiences, that is.

I seek the audience of self-entertaining writing by being here, writing and reading what I’ve written, knowing only that the self will ever truly understand itself in what it sees in its reflection here in these words.

I nearly died twice in the past year from some random poisoning effect.  Theories abound as to what might’ve killed me — spoiled food poisoning, food allergy, tick/mosquito bite, rat poison or some other industrial waste in manufactured food.

Possibly, my thought process shifted because of those two events.

I do feel a little more desperate to father a child before I die than I did a year ago.

Because of that desperation, I chose not to touch a woman last night when I attended the weekly Monday dance class I thoroughly enjoy.  I only hugged or shook hands with guys.

Last night I didn’t want to be human, I didn’t want to believe I am merely a reproductive set of states of energy seeking a mate.

I gave myself the perfectly acceptable excuse that I don’t really exist and will die childless, walking away from the person(s) who give me the strength to believe it’s possible I am human, after all.

It’s easy to put these words here on electronic scratch paper, arrange them to entertain myself and give impressions about what goes on inside my thoughts which generate these sentences, paragraphs and blog entries.

None of them are real.  They are arranged sets of “zeroes” and “ones,” binary digits or bits.

Anyone who understands the quandary understands why I know I don’t exist.

Any person who first drew a set of lines and circles, recognising the image of a stick figure, understands the quandary.

We are approximations, models, of the ideal person.

We build subcultures around ideals.

We assimilate with what we believe are the best approximations of the ideals we most want to assimilate with.

My problem (and I am not the only one) is I am the only me, the only approximation of myself with whom I most want to assimilate.

That in itself is a quandary.

I want to live with another me.

I have looked.

And looked.

And wished.

And hoped.

When I find a person or persons who best match(es) the approximation of me, I freeze, because I really don’t like me, thus making me afraid that I’m not going to like the person(s) most like me.

I don’t like being me.

I don’t want to bring another me into the world.

It takes a lot of mental processing to handle being with other people.

I can throw so much stuff at people they can’t see who I am or who I’m not.

Even now, I write this blog in dissociative mode, aware that one or more people I know will read this and it bugs the hell out of me because I can’t really, ever, be me in public, if there is a “me” at all inside this everchanging set of states of energy in motion.

I am an approximation of my self to myself, adjusted to entertain those around me.

Some of the labels I use to describe myself as a social being:

  • The chameleon.
  • The people pleaser.
  • The contrarian.

I find the prettiest, the most handsome, the smartest, and/or the most lonely person I can find and focus on that person as if that person is my whole world, in hopes that it will temporarily erase myself from my thoughts.

Currently, I find myself seeking the freedom to be a polyamorous person (meaning more than one person with whom I actively have sexual relations, including the relationship management issues of deciding who is the primary, secondary, tertiary, etc., sexual partner), when, in the past, I had the same opportunity and walked away from it very decidedly, unwilling to sacrifice my mental “intellectual” freedom for the constant mental struggle to manage emotional relationship ups and down.

I have been here before, in other words, with a whole other set of friends and had chosen to walk away, marrying my childhood friend, instead.

I purposefully selected a practical, intelligent life partner who would provide a stable financial home for me to express myself through writing without the struggles to make a living as a writer by myself; in the process, I made a professional management career of my own whilst carving out a little time to write, earning a few dollars as a newspaper reporter, and making a little pocket change as a published author.

Thirty years later I find myself here in a sunroom where I’ve written/typed many words for myself and to others.

I’m afraid I’m too much of a narcissist to ever love more than a reflection of myself in others, my self being my favourite person to hate and punish for being himself/herself/whatever.

I wish I had something to offer others but all I have are these words.  Sexually, I know how to flirt and dance and look longingly into other people’s eyes; I’m a sloppy kisser and get bored/uncomfortable having sex, wondering why I’m having intercourse if it’s not to procreate; I always think, “if we’re not procreating, then can I get back to writing cause this rolling in the sheets is interfering with an idea I’m processing for my next writing session?”.  Financially, I’ve got very little; my wife is the millionaire, I’m just along for the ride, with a small annuity to supplement Social Security payments in a decade or so.

I love to write only because I like recording my thoughts, even if I don’t like me.

I may or may not register a place on the autism spectrum.

I don’t know what normal is, having been told ever since I started hanging out in social settings (beginning with my first grade teachers) that I tend to drift off from others, losing touch with conversations and sometimes literally walking away.

I’m not a lone wolf.  I need the whole village to keep this idiot alive.

I’m not sure but I think I might want to cry right now, cry for the person I should be, for the human that might exist inside me, but I can’t cry.  I feel cold, mechanistic, an automaton, a fractal spinoff of a star.

I will always be alone in my thoughts.

I will always see others alone in their thoughts and know how to temporarily snap them out of their thoughts to share a space between us.

What is tomorrow going to be like?

I don’t know and I’m afraid to ask myself.

Living through today, this waking period of 10 to 14 hours, is all I can ask of myself.

I’m numb.

I’m scared.

I hate myself.

I don’t want to live another day.

Getting older was supposed to make me wiser.

I simply feel old today.

Too old for words.

Act Two enters Stage Left

Lee walked around the wooded neighbourhood with his wife one last time.

He wanted a pleasant memory to go with the times he’d hiked with her on the Appalachian Trail when they were 14 years young, or when they tubed down a river near Banner Elk, NC, at the age of 12, burning their skin to blisters.

Penpals for six years, dated for six years, married for over 30 years.

After their walk, Lee lit a small piece of peat turf he’d brought with him from Ireland, a nod not only to the times he’d worked on the Emerald Isle but also to shared ancestry with his wife and their recent trip to England and Ireland.

Lee lived a narrative tale, thought out years in advance, able to laugh at the universe and its way of interrupting plans, rewriting narrative, redirecting storylines and plots.

Lee hadn’t meant to meet Guin.

But it happened.

As his wife said, she had pushed him for 25 years to go dancing and she was losing him to very thing that she thought she wanted to do more than he did.

But she wasn’t losing him to dance.

She was giving Lee the extrovert freedom he’d craved from their honeymoon onward, noticing she shushed him and slapped his arm whenever he acted like himself.

She had given him stability when his extroversion knew no end.

But it had driven him to suicide, knowing inside that his extroversion was a symptom not the cause of his acting out.

Guin had given Lee free rein for his extroversion, which was the calming effect he didn’t know he had sought.

They had fallen in love and fallen out of love, walked toward each other, almost ran, bouncing up and down, itching to dance, and walked away, exploring other avenues of thought and action, not talking for months.

Lee watched men and women come and go in Guin’s life, not getting in the way of her freedom to be herself.

Sometimes, neither thought the other might show back up.

But they persevered.

It was for something greater that they had become friends for life.

Lee drew a long breath of turf smoke into his lungs, igniting memories of Ireland, old memories, centuries old, of working the land, of close-knit communities, of families helping families.

Lee loved life.

He loved living large.

He also preserved time to write about his life.

Lee watched cars go by the front of the house from his viewing point in the sunroom, the steel-blue sky silhouetting trees standing still in the hot spring evening like statically charged hair standing on end.

Would this be the last time he sat out here alone?

How did Guin fit into the rest of his life?

A tree frog glued to a sunroom window croaked.

Lee sipped tea from the tentacled mug he’d bought at Lowe Mill, becoming instant friends with Sycat, who turned clay into art from which one drank tea or served cookies surrounded by an octopus or lizards frozen at play.

How did Guin fit into the rest of his life?

He didn’t need to ask her.

They were artists at heart, just like their shared group of friends and their friends they didn’t share.

Artists fit into each other’s lives like jigsaw puzzle pieces that changed shape at will, making a bigger picture together.

Lee no longer worried about a future without Guin.

Lee knew where he was going.

He’d planned it for decades.

He just hadn’t known who was going along with him.

He saw his face reflected in a sunroom mirror and smiled at himself.

He nurtured enough of his doubts to give his confidence an extra balancing boost, his form of mindful meditation, a built-in self-diagnostic test he’d developed in conjunction with his work on CPUs as a teenager in the 1970s.

He didn’t mind looking back on his life and recalling the fond memories he’d shared with others, including his wife; after all, the memories had formed and would continue to form who he was in the moment.

Accepting rather than denying his whole being, the everchanging set of states of energy in motion, had taken him to this moment, a moment full of anticipation, full of uncertainties, full of thrills, chills and falls.

Lee nodded.

One more trip with his family in its current shape to celebrate a college graduation, Mother’s Day and a couple of birthdays.

And then…?

Lord of the Dance of the Crane Flies

What is the future?

The future, as they say, is now.

And Now.

Now.

And Then.

The future is another illusion, but one we can work with using project schedules.

Lee looked at his reflection in the puddle of water.

He felt young but looked old to people, even to people older than him.

He was old and wise.

Hundreds of marsyears had wisened him up.

Age was just a number.

As many times as Lee had renewed, recycled and replaced his body functions, he was ageless in a way that only scifi writers had dreamt of.

The algorithms coded in his wetware parts optimised themselves in their own wise feedback loops, running self diagnostic tests against subassembly test result expectations, rarely reaching his high-level “conscious” internal running commentary but he knew they were there.

Cancer had been cured, extending lives and changing society — retirement was another illusion, work no longer something to be feared as delaying one’s few years of freedom before death.

Inequality lived on due to barriers for entry into closed groups but the group types changed.

Lee meditated upon his image.

He let his face age, his ears droop, his nose grow wider.  He valued the perception of aging as a reminder that he was still partially human in the old-fashioned sense.

But he was no the natural-born human named Lee.

He was an approximation of that person, with qualities like “better than” or “worse than” impossible to say.

He was different.

Always had been.

Just like everyone else.

He was not even “he” in the classic sense.

He had learned the secret to longevity — it included a genderless mode that encompassed and bypassed a single gender at the same time.

Lee had fought the secret for a long time, trapped as he was at the time in preserving an imaginary society of fixed gender roles given to him by his parents, who had convinced him to join secret societies that perpetuated the same myths handed to them by ancestors.

Lee was not an ancestor worshipper.

Lee was Lee, an illusion of self, falsely convinced by a mirrorlike reflection of a self-contained, self-sufficient sets of states of energy in constant motion.

Lee was the center of Lee’s imaginary universe.

And when Lee discovered that, Lee was free of being any one Lee for any period of time.

As far as Lee knew, Lee was the universe.

Which meant Lee was everything and nothing all at once.

Thus Lee was able to live on Mars without the restrictions of a natural-born human.

Lee was everywhere at the same time.

But Lee had to make that transition a public event, with the usual expectations of gossip-fueled misinterpretation, resistance, acceptance, support and denial.

Lee started out living in the world of humans but didn’t end up there.

When blog titles are labels, no words matter

Today, I am tired and shivering, running multiparallel emotional issues, managing a storyline and keeping my own life choices on track.

I cannot talk with one or a few people with whom support would greatly help because my life choices involve them and I’m not sure the effect I’ll have on them.

No one is happy all the time but I still hate to cause someone’s suffering.

I consciously chose the life of an artist, a performer, at age 10 in 5th grade, when my best friend and love of my life died — life stopped mattering as anything serious but I acted like it did even though I was dead inside.

Or if not dead, then an apathetic jumble of nonsense.

After a while the acting became me.

I don’t want to think but I have plans to work out in a timely manner.

Mentally, I’ve shredded my thoughts on a moment by moment basis to prevent pain from carrying forward, my pain and the pain of others.

If I have no one to talk to/with, I still want to talk and here is the place I put the words I think and want to say.

Decades ago, in my late 20s, I met with psychologists and psychiatrists per advice from older mentors.

I can sum up their observations in a single phrase (which oddly enough echoed the problems I had with my parents saying the same thing): “You think too much.  You just have to decide you want to live.”

In my youth, my parents punished me for living the way I wanted to live so I developed my mental muscles, exercising elaborate thought trails to entertain myself internally, thus thinking too much.

I would like to be a parent to see if I can give a child the open, loving relationship that I dreamt of having as a kid, allowing the child to pursue the child’s dreams, rather than living out any unfulfilled dreams of my own (note the contradiction).

Childrearing experts I read about in my parents’ childrearing literature said that children want their parents/guardians to set strict, easy-to-understand parameters so that the child becomes a responsible adult one day.

Much of that literature was written or was influenced by 1950s culture — post-WWII, Cold War, anti-communist McCarthy era kind of stuff.

Growing up in the 1960s, I was marginally influenced by the counterculture movement, coming of age in the 1970s.

My parents accused me of being antiestablishment and that I would have joined the protest marches had I been born a decade earlier.

Antiestablishment? Me, the Eagle Boy Scout? Me, who sang in a wholesome church-sponsored group called Sing Out Kingsport, a spinoff of Up With People?

I don’t march in crowds.

I’m an independent person, free to be inconsistent in my philosophy because life is short and any systematic dogma that might churn out of my producing a set of easy life lessons to follow after my death is irrelevant to a dead me.

There is a trap that many of us fall into and that is the trap of becoming an influential member of a [sub]culture.

I know what it’s like to be a leader, to be a person whom others thank for making them better persons.

We are social animals and we tend to form hierarchical societies.

I believe the cyclical pattern of wave after wave of leaders, followers, influencers, black swans, outliers, etc., is a dead end.

As an actor, I know when we’re faking it to make it.

That’s why I’ve avoided the leadership track, jumping off as I was succeeding quite well — I saw the fallacy.  I was falling into the trap and got out before it closed me in.

With 8+ billion of us, the numbers growing, we can change but it is a long, long process, a process I don’t want anyone’s name or dogma tied to — it has to be invisible yet transparent if the point of change is to reduce and eventually eliminate the dependence on social hierarchy.

Every one of us has to be involved as equally as possible in making these changes, each with their own understanding and expertise.

What of the billions who are used to and want to continue the hierarchical structure, those who have personally benefited from their Influencer and Leadership positions, some for many, many generations, amassing great armies and/or the equivalent of billions of US dollars?

I am alive for a short time period, my time on Earth growing shorter and shorter as I make unwise decisions with my health like standing unprotected under the damaging UV rays of the local star, our Sun, or eating unrecognisable goo we call processed food, filled with chemical concoctions that may or may not be beneficial to my health.

I am unimportant.

My name is unimportant (although I love seeing my name and my words in print).

How shall I live the rest of my life?

How shall I act the rest of my life?

Today, I have no answers.

I meditate upon the questions.

How do I demonstrate to myself and the rest of our species what I am thinking?