Tag Archives: government
Future? For whom?
Some good news out of the Obama administration
I’ve been waiting to hear this bit of news ever since I was a kid in the 1970s watching big rigs driving the road and not having to match the fuel standards of the crummy gas misers they passed by.
You want it forwards or backwards?
At a Committee meeting last night, rain splattered on top of a cargo hauler.
In a room nearby, a quartet of one piano and three violins practiced the Mozart effect.
The Committee listened as I presented the future of zombie computer networks operating in automobiles whose drivers’ habits have been mapped, ensuring a 90-plus percent accuracy of node availability for using the vehicles to calculate a near 100 percent accurate and precise future.
All while generic Norco coarsely traced a course through my central nervous system.
Thanks to many: Deborah, Judy, CJ, Dr. Maddox the ballroom dancer, Surgery Center front desk experts, Cassie in serious profile, Chanda with the watch, Lori White in pink, Dr. Miller, Jessica (nearly a year marrired? or is she the one who visited Ketchikan?) and the rest of the professional staff who made my surgical procedure experience pleasantly memorable.
After undressing, receiving the EKG&IV, and enjoying the ride to the operating room, I looked at all the equipment (much stamped Stryker?), watched a person in blue try to slide a hook in a track on the ceiling, seeing my name and procedure written on a whiteboard, and woke up surrounded by more smiling faces.
It’s fun to pretend to be an innocent scared child facing adults who have well-practiced instructions on how to care for you, unlike the rest of real life.
Reminds me to ask what happens to all the stimulus junkie children when they have to wake up from their texting/gaming/videomakingviewing youth to create a viable means of support less dependent on constant/costly artificial stimuli.
I listened with the Committee to a presentation about breaking up Greece into corporate entities, much like city-states of old, where citizens get shares equal to their portion of the national debt which serves as their “vote” in the new system that they can accumulate or sell, increasing or decreasing their official voice/input to how the system works.
Now, I’ve got a backlog of computer analysed computer simulations to evaluate and compare to the Book of the Future.
After I sharpen my pencil…or my wit!
“Progressive Liberalist Party elects Al Franken and Barney Frank to oppose Obama in 2012 – Jerry Brown and Shakira admit defeat. Cuomo won’t commit to comment.”
“Al Gore accepts Green Party nomination, mulls VP choice – Jolly Green Giant or Smokey the Bear?”
“Google denies rumour of talks to buy GM/Monsanto/Caterpillar/ExxonMobil/BoA conglomerate.”
“FedEx sponsors fed gov’t building. New motto: ‘FedEx Supreme Court – we deliver judicial decisions to disrupt your lives overnight for truth, justice and the American fastfood life.'”
“Bud Selig banned for life from attending Dodgers’ games – more team owners may jump on bankruptcy/bannedwagon.”
“Williams sisters retire after losses at Wimbledon – start new careers as Myanmar rap stars with hit, ‘We’re so poor, our butlers can’t afford their own butlers no more'”
Mermaid or Merman for president?
Have you followed the news lately?
I’m a bit confused.
Seems like those who supported Lincoln in the 1800s want seaworthy latter-day candidates on an election ballot.
How many wives can an executive have?
Is Admiral “Lone Sitar” Rickshaw Perry a secret admirer of the YFZ Ranch?
Why is Michelle such a popular name in political news?
Time for the Committee to reveal a third-party candidate duo that’ll attract all those who don’t walk the talk of left/right turn light indicators.
How many contractors will remain in Afghanistan after the troops are safely home debriefing, detoxing and unwinding for a return to noncombat reality?
Cyberwarfare 2.0
In more humour news, rolling blackouts swept across Chinese metropolises and countrysides today, local police and citizen guardians arresting or killing anyone making comments, affirmative or negatory, in regards to the rumours that China was under cybersiege. In related news, U.S. securities shot up in value, with the dollar reaching a new high against all major currencies. The Federal Reserve used the higher dollar to cancel debt owned by China, Japan and several other sovereign nations, allowing the U.S. to make immediate and drastic diplomatic relationship changes. India and Brazil once again found themselves caught in the cold grips of a virtual war of words in which they were sideline commentators unwilling to put their nuclear arsenals on full alert lest they interfere with upcoming cricket or futbol matches. The World Court declared China’s hoarding of special chemicals and minerals illegal, opening the U.N. debate on sanctioning and declaring 21st June 2011 the official start date of World Cyberwarfare 2.0 Day.
Scientists announced the recreation of a comedian, W.C. Fields, whose body had unknowingly been well-preserved through alcoholism and available for DNA analysis and reconstruction lo these many decades. Sales of pure grain alcohol skyrocketed, with buyers claiming they were preserving their bodies for future revivi..vivi…[hiccup!]
vivification, whatever that means.
After the recent devastating earthquakes rocked Haiti, U.S. researchers there found the secret formula for zombification. Today, U.S. drones dropped silent “bombs” of zombification fluid in several major cities, primarily near the fortresses, palaces, resorts, getaways and government buildings where prominent entertainers and military/political leaders work, reside or hide.
Therefore, any local/regional/global news you see or hear, where popular talking heads are babbling on about subjects of little to no interest to most of us, is probably under the direct mind control of the extraterrestrial aliens operating the U.S. government in bunkers deep beneath the U.S. Capitol and Supreme Court buildings and operating the world governments in shelters deep beneath the U.N. Building.
Contrary to popular rumours, the bombing of the World Trade Center was not a terrorist act but rather the continuing intergalactic battle for control of Earth. In the aftermath of the WTC/Pentagon attacks, aliens from Sector W2II3 of the Uncategorised Quadrant took over Earth because the aliens from Sector WVB1991 and their world-control equipment were effectively wiped out of commission.
Yes, the Soviets may have been part of Area 51 but Area 51 was always supposed to be a ruse devised by the Cold War leaders to divert the attention of humans not yet under zombie control or under the influence of expanding mass media hypnosis.
World governments have still not been able to locate the invisible alien control center in Afghanistan, despite millennia of deciphering hieroglyphic markings found in that part of Earth. Legend has it that the invisible alien control center will give not only eternal life but also the ability to move galaxies at will, making domination of this planet seem like a kindergarten sandbox fight.
That’s all the humourumour news not fit to print in grocery store rag mags or professional comedy websites.
OXR PO
A neighbour asked me how the government determines the employees to fill positions in local government facilities.
I’m investigating and will report why a set of familiar faces is no longer looking back at my neighbour.
Can You Smell The Future?
Sheer curtains. Shearing scissors. Sheer numbers.
The number of Chinese on the Internet exceeded the total populations of the U.S., Australia and New Zealand.
Next, it will exceed the population of the US and EU combined.
Then, it will exceed the the population of the US, EU and Russia combined.
What about India, Africa, the Middle East and Central/South America?
Shearing sheep for clothing.
Should there be an international curriculum for all students who will join the electronically-connected social life?
A global code of online ethics?
A course in detecting false logic, Internet scams and the natural growth/death cycle of emailed/texted/tweeted urban legends and fear mongering?
Sure, an educated populace sees through the thinly-veiled subcultural policies of selfish, hoarding rulers, but the educated populace can also better live and prepare itself for a continually successful future.
What if all videogames had to show some social value other than teaching kids how to build hand-eye coordination through basic reading skills, social values including: 1) the ability to drain testosterone in virtual wargames rather in bullying, 2) a sense of meaning for lonely, awkwardly social lives, 3) measurable tension relievers and 4) separating great civilisation builders from the lucky mediocre ones?
Money makes the world go around but let’s be wise and put our profitmaking talents to longterm use rather than shorttermshortsightedness. Our grandchildren might remember to thank us one day.
More Headlines
“Band Manager for The New Pornographers Admits Bribing US SEAL Team with Bin Laden Porn Stash”
“Obama Spied Secretly Negotiating 2012 VP Deal with Palin in Exchange for Alaska Oil Deal”
“Brazilian Scientist Creates Anaerobic Carbon-Capturing Artifical Photosyntheis ‘Tree’; Brazilian Officials Rejoice, Pave Over Amazon Rainforest for Massive Supercity”
“Saudi Government Converts Peninsula Into Giant Solar FauxPalm-Lined Beach, Using Faux-Grass Solar Panel Suburban Lawns to Fuel Modern Civilisation, Becoming First Nonoil-Dependent Nation”
“Technical College Opens New Landscape Engineering Department, Sponsored by the Intel-Huawei-Sony Corporation”
“Colbert Declares Himself Emperour, Forms New Global Government In Exile, Devoted to Dry, Acerbic Humour for the Ham-On-Wry Masses”
“Hillary Clinton Defeats Colbert in Thumb Wrestling Match, Reveals Billary Husband/Wife Coemperourship Rocketing to Mars Headquarters Soon”
“Union for the Preservation of Unions Dissolves all Worker Unions into Website for Chronic Employee Complaints titled ‘That’s Why They Call It A Job'”
“British Monarchy Funds New Comedy Troupe Shoppe for Exclusive Rights to Officially Make Funne of Thugs with Crowns”
“India Caught Drilling Gargantuan Water Tap into Himalayan Glacier Network, Consents to Relocate Bangladesh to Hidden Indian Gov’t Officials’ Private Holiday ‘Shangri-La’ Resort”
“George W. Bush Contracts Reagan-Thatcher Disease, Can’t Remember Details of US Presidency”
“China Finishes Plans of Tibetan Amusement Park, ‘Retrains’ Monks for Park Guide/Mascot Duty”
“Guinness Book of Records Annoints Panama Canal as World’s Largest Water Slide”
“Food is Shown to be Both Fatally Cancerous and Good for You at the Same Time – Anorexic and Obesity Support Groups Cry ‘Foul Fowl, Fools! Dig in, if you Dare!'”
Stop Print Shop Lexicographers Delete Punctuation From All Languages Stop Use Stop Instead Stop Stop Please Stop Stop Stop
“World Court Rules Trees are International Treasure, Allowed to Fall and Rot in Place; Roads Become Obstacle Courses; Cotton Prices Soar on Toilet/Facial Tissue Industry Conversion News, Surpassing Oil and Gold; Lumberjacks Protest, Invent Miniature Cotton Plant Chainsaw”
“Pope Blesses Islam as Catholic Sect, Sees Protestants and Jews as Wandering Catholic Children, Hints Buddhists and Hindus are Probably Catholic, too; Vatican City PayPal Donations Clog Internet More Effectively than Spam, Offline Bible Reading Explodes in Proportion”
“Research Shows Headlines are Subliminal Messages from Aliens, Nostradamus Predicted”
“Supermarket Rag Mags Receive Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Insightful/Entertaining News, ‘Legitimate’ Journalism Finally Dies A Merciful Death”
“The Committee Makes Satire the One True Religion, Outlaws Seriousness; Punishments will Include Reading Bad Jokes in Front of Drunk, Tomato-Wielding Comedy Circuit Crowds Night-after-Night, No Rewrites Allowed”
“SETI Discovers Radiowave Radiation Attack from Extraterrestrial War Accidentally Created Life on Earth, Intercepted Galactic ‘Wikileaks’ Communications Details”
“Life Started A Moment Ago, Ends In The Next Moment, Guru Proves with Lack of Evidence”
“Germany Will Only Approve Doctoral Theses with the Best Use of Plagiarism From Now On, the Government Precisely Copying GrecoRoman Law, Itself A Copy, for this Proclamation”
Thus endeth today’s satirically sacred meditative lesson. Bless you, Satire. Thanks for your confession – five hearty laughs and ten raucous guffaws every day until your next confession.
From the foreign files…
Thanks for the condolences.
treetrunkdings 