While chewing my lunch…

Ahh…an appetite for budgetary constraints.  Here’s another tidbit to put into the computer for future admiration — the cost to raise a child in modern society:

 

Family planning has made the news headlines lately and I’ll let it alone.  I’m more interested in comparing apples to oranges, family budget to national government budget, for an analysis that contains no paralysis.

If you want, we can throw in capital punishment for a right good show on touchy topics du jour.

Let’s not and say we’re knotted on this one.

Back to lunch.

Balsa Struts and Tissue Paper

Have you ever created a reason to walk door-to-door, meeting your neighbours, greeting strangers who have internal imagery that defines their perfect center of the universe in domiciles that may or may not define domestic bliss?

In my door-to-door adventures, I asked for Halloween candy; have sold: raffle tickets for junior high school sock hops, desk lamps and other catalog items for Cub/Boy Scout projects, candles and oranges for high school marching band trips, mini-encyclopedias for college spending money; delivered free telephone books; taken survey information for the 2010 U.S. Census.

In the forty or so years of these face-to-face encounters, I have seen houses full of African violets, mobile homes full of marijuana plants, dog/cat feces all over the floor, spotlessly-clean living rooms (implying there was little in the way of living going on in them), ethnic diversity in areas where homogeneity was most coveted, souvenir dinner plates covering walls, people answering the door in a variety of [un]dress and people being as quiet as they can, refusing to open the door.

Do you know the official history of the spot where you call home, even if it’s a carpark where your Travelers’ caravan sits temporarily?

I am a vagabond of thought patterns, meandering from place to place, committed neither to one thought pattern nor another, aware of the vanity that goes with believing any one thought set is a permanent solution to anything in particular.

I have a childhood drawing with three names on the bottom: Rick Hill, Jeff Garwood and Suzanne Trimble.  I guess the drawing was made sometime between the third and sixth year of primary school.

I know the first person very well, have lost touch with the second person and the third person is about to spend seven months in Germany for reasons unknown to me.

However, these three people well represent the types of people I met in my door-to-door wanderings as a child encouraged to impress himself upon his neighbours to exchange labour credits/money for goods/services.

I painted houses, mowed lawns, raked leaves and helped friends in their newspaper delivery routes to provide myself the economic power to participate in the local marketplace during my teenage years.

I suppose children are still providing these services to put spending money in their pockets and deposits in their bank accounts, a few of them buying stamps, comic books, dolls or other collectibles and/or government savings bonds and company stock for investments.

Broken-balsa-wood-and-torn-tissue-paper windup-rubber-band-powered airplanes sit atop dusty stacks of books around me.

A rusty model rocket launch pad rod sticks up out of shopping bag labeled “CIRCUSWORLD TOY & VIDEO CENTER.”

A telescope points toward the ground.

On a pile next to me rests a wire kitchen strainer once used as a parabolic wireless network signal concentrator/reflector.

These items serve as keys or bookmarks for memory locations inside my body.

The generic brick-and-mortar, vinyl-sided, stacked-box objects we call home serve as memory locations for inhabitants, too.

A cave or a bamboo hut.

An adobe hacienda or stone castle.

We are rarely aware of the network of memory locations within us that are triggered by external objects like our homes and their contents.

Is your home rich with memories, both good and bad?

Or, like some of the sterile environments I observed when going door-to-door, is your home mostly unused, filled with objects about which you have little memory recall, the TV and computer serving more as an extension of your thought set than the furniture and facsimile paintings on the walls?

A fellow blogger posted that her friends find her boring.  It’s a matter of perspective.  How imaginative is the thought set of the blogger?  How rich are her memories of growing up?

The Internet has opened the gates that once allowed only the most persistent, imaginative people to appear in mass media.

Now, everyone with a computing device (computer, tablet or mobile phone) can appear in a one-person off-Broadway autobiographical show — a slice of life with no beginning or end, no plot, no climax, just a character carrying on about whatever it is that character wants to put on display.

Liberté, égalité, fraternité.  E pluribus unum.

On a side note, is it just me or does the US FTC (Federal Trade Commission) emblem look like the mask that some of the global protestors have been wearing?:

RHEL 6.2

In two days, my wife and I will sit down for Thanksgiving Day dinner without her mother present, the first holiday when both her parents are no longer alive and available to make new memories with family.

If we live long enough, most of us will experience this same circumstance.

I can still see my mother in-law’s face — her jaws apart, her mouth wide open in the same stance when she gasped for one last breath (no, two) after her heart stopped — as her skin colour went from pinkish-white to yellow while the oxygen-processing cells in her body slowly died, her body turning cold on the hospital bed.

In the casket at the funeral home, my mother in-law’s face was fleshed out and powdered with makeup, leaving a blemish or two showing (possibly a hematoma?) to give her a natural look, albeit one from 20 or 30 years ago.

Reminds me of my friend Monica, now living in Singapore, who followed in her grandfather’s footsteps and became a mortician in Mississippi.  She embalmed her great-grandmother — as a mortician, who better do you trust to make a family member look her best at her own funeral?

Monica handled the usual variety of funeral cases — open caskets for badly-mangled automobile smashup victims (a mortician is one-part special effects artist and one-part magician), Christian services and Jewish burials — that you’d expect to find in a small southern U.S. town, and anywhere else professional funeral services are provided.

But she left the business a long time ago, at least two decades by now.

Modern technology has entered the funeral business.  Software development simplifies the memorial process for departed loved ones – posting funeral service announcements via online memorials, for instance, allowing those who cannot attend a service in person to post comments for family members and friends to read about their recently deceased, partially replacing the old method of mailing sympathy cards.

In two days, we’ll remember what we have to be thankful for:

  • We have the Internet.
  • We have a planet relatively free of galaxy-sized catastrophic interferences.
  • We have one another.

What else do we need besides food, clothing, shelter, clean air, and protection from our worst behaviours/habits?

As a set of states of energy, “need” and “want” are terms readily understood in the here-and-now, in this moment, terms for which we can describe thankfulness and know generally what that means.

At that scale, this blog entry closes — let us put off, until later, readings of the Book of the Future which show timescales that make any language, and thus, words and sounds, indecipherable.

How would pepper spray have affected Geerat Vermeij if he had been sitting with protesters on the UC-Davis campus recently?

Supporting the right to protest and the right to preserve peace within a community is what makes any sociopolitical system flexible enough to survive turmoil and grow.  Conflict resolution is an inherent component of nature, including us.

Make a decision and don’t look back…

…unless you want to analyse/refine future decisions.

Over the past several years, my mother in-law fell a few times.

Because she took a blood thinner, Coumadin, we worried that she’d fall, break open a major blood vessel and bleed to death before someone could get to her.

Thank goodness, in her falls, she merely scraped her skin or bumped her head.

However, when she bumped her head, blood vessels under the skin on her face burst and she built up a hematoma between the size of half a ping-pong ball and tennis ball.

Therefore, after she fell in April, we consulted with her doctor, who recommended that my wife’s mother stop taking a blood thinner, which would raise her risk of a stroke but, at her age, falling and bleeding to death was the greater risk.

Here I sit, two weeks after my mother in-law either a) had a stroke and fell, or b) fell and had a stroke in her bathroom.  She was discovered sometime before the call we received at 5:51 a.m. requesting which hospital emergency department to send her to.

As the days pass, the minute details of the days that followed diminish.

I’m cataloging as much as I want to remember here today.

27th October – spent most of the day in emergency room A05.  Pretty much nonresponsive.  ED doctor’s assessment of stroke with possible paralysis on the left side.

28th October – still mostly nonresponsive (or simply just very tired and sleepy) but more movement on the right side.  Slight movement on the left side.  When awake, requested water, cold, ice water.  Sponged water into her mouth until we decided to let her take sips of water.

29th October – When awake, she was  alert, remembering, by answering yes/no question, everything up until time of stroke/fall.  All extremities working but weaker on the left side.  Drank more water.

30th October – Able to hold whole conversations and drink water/juice.  Requested to sit on bedside commode, take a bath and have her hair combed – wanted to look like a proper lady.  Extra exertion without a lot of food intake definitely weakened her.

31st October – More tired than yesterday.  Given swallow test – able to hold ice in her mouth and swallow water/apple sauce.  Expressed great feelings of pain during test.  Requested not to be woken up for a while.  Seemed to have suffered an event (possibly another stroke) a little later.

1st November – Generally nonresponsive.  Water built up in lungs, causing her to choke.  Didn’t want her to choke to death so family requested Lasix to help remove excess fluid from her lungs.  Also given Demerol for pain because she moaned when moved.

2nd November – Some responsiveness – lifting of right arm, twitching of left hand, multiple facial expressions but cannot open eyelids.  Very weak.  Family wet her lips with sponge of cold, ice water.  Weak attempts at swallowing.  Overall weakness continued.  Considered moving her to nursing home in case she woke up enough to request food and/or physical therapy and there was nothing left for the hospital to do.  Given anti-anxiety medicine in anticipation of move.  IV needles removed.  Strength deteriorated throughout the day.  Afibrillation worsened.  Breathing got shallower.  Family came to sit by her bedside (granddaughter, grandson, daughter in-law, son in-law, step-daughter).  She stopped breathing twice but found will/strength to start again before her only living direct descendant, her daughter (my wife) arrived from work.  Died minutes later (less than half an hour).  Body gasped for breath a few times after heart stopped.  Family began mourning process.

 

Other details surface but are outside of time – eating in the hospital cafeteria, visits from friends/church family, consultations with doctors (cardiologist, neurologist, hospitalist), the kindness of nurses/techs/housekeeping/food services, specific phrases spoken by my mother in-law, sitting by my mother in-law’s side, holding my hand against her face, wiping a cold cloth over her forehead, watching her chin quiver and tears roll down her face when she couldn’t move her extremities, knowing that she was probably still there in some subconscious form right up to the end, even if she could no longer talk.

That’s enough for today. Reliving the last dying days of the world’s best mother in-law are dredging up raw feelings.

Time to enjoy life, sweep the driveway and decks, and give back to the world what my mother in-law gave me.  My mother in-law did not dwell on death.  Despite tragedies in her life – the death of one of her twins a few days after birth, the loss of her husband 14 years ago, the untimely early death of her son at 51 (the other twin) – she found a way to live, she sighed, read her Bible and moved on, rarely complaining about much that she couldn’t find a way to fix herself, except the decline of the national/world economy, which fed her fear of worse days to come (which means you/me/us have to step up and fix it!).

Unfolding the Past

How many times in one’s lifetime must one spend time sorting through a collection of material that summed one’s recently deceased loved one?

Je ne sais pas.  Je souhaite que je connaissais.

To know.  To be.  To have been.  To do.

Enough musing.  While packing up my mother in-law’s things at her apartment in the assisted living community, we once again found her childhood diary.  Also a folded note on typewriter paper (almost as good as new), retyped below, including spelling/grammar mistakes:

Moss Point, Mississippi
February 16, 1942

Dear Jane:

I suppose you think I am pretty awful for not writing any sooner and thanking you for the pictures but it seems as if I never get around to all the things I want to do.  I surely would have loved to have seen that wedding, it must have been awfully pretty.  I had a letter from Bruce and Clara the other day and they really seem supremely happy.  Bruce said that she has to rum him off to work every morning and then he works like the devil to get back in the afternoon, and as a result the company thinks that he is getting efficient and are going to give him a raise.  He has been defered until July and then he doesn’t know what is going to happyen but, they don’t seem to be very much worried about the matter.

We (Y.M.B.C.) gave our annual Carnavil Ball Friday night.  It was really one of the best and prettiest that we have ever had, although, it was by far too crowded to dance.  Friday a week ago, the Cotillion Club had theirs. I was a Duke in that one and you should have seen me.  I have gained about thirty pounds and the Tux I had at school fit me just like I had been poured in it.  It fact it was sorta painful to sit down so I had to dance most of the time.  The whole affiar was rather funny.  Since we had rented a local night club for the affiar it was impossible to practice.  The king and Queen gave a cocktail party before-hand and by the time some of the court got out there they were pretty well lit, with the result that some walked in fast, some slow and some just sorta flowed in.  The High School is having theirs tonight.  I think I will go over as a spectator because they will have such a pretty floor show.

We went to Mobile yesterday afternoon to see a Nazi bomber that had been shot down over London last year.  It was really pretty interesting because a man told the history of it.

Had a letter from Bob the other day and he is back at Pennington teaching.  Since teachers are so hard to get they have asked for his deferment until school is out.  I know he didn’t mean it like it sounded, but he was telling all about Klenor and her family.  Said that they own a large dyeing place there and that she had loads of possibilities.  Anyway I hope that he didn’t mean it to be as mercenary as it sounded.  He said that when they went to Brumuda on their honeymoon they would stop by/ Frankly I don’t think the boy knows exactly where Mississippi is.

How is school?  I know you must be back in the old grind by now.  I m ce am sending this letter to Rogersville because I am not sure just what your address is.

Well I had better stop before I get fired.  Please excuse the typing I type so seldon it is pretty awful.

love,

“Missip”

Powdered Pecan Sandies

On a sunny autumn day, the muted fall leaves colouring an elaborate quilt on the rowed hills of east Tennessee, I finally, fully, felt the loss of my mother in-law while I sat with my wife next to the coffin for graveside service on Saturday.

I will not see her smiling face or hear her voice her concern for her daughter’s health, anymore.

Last night, when we drove into the garage, the absence hit home once again — no calling my wife’s mother to let her know we made it home safely after returning from east Tennessee.

Mortality.

We live and die.

Now, my wife and I deal with the imbalance, she with no parents or sibling and I with both my parents and my sister alive.  My wife and I each have one living pair of blood-related niece and nephew.

My wife is ready to be free of traditional family obligations such as holiday gatherings.

We shall see.

No doubt we face a transition.

A transition from what to what, I don’t yet want to know, although I can project a few future possibilities.

A superglued broken cup commemorating the 2005 Paderborn Weihnachtsmarkt attracts my attention, hinting at the future.

The parts of my wife and me put on hold until her mother died are ready for release.

However, post-death logistics remain…dividing the estate, modest as it is, including photo albums, Christmas ornaments, kitchenware and a few dozen decks of playing cards used for bridge games; writing thank-you notes to those who assisted toward the end of and after my wife’s mother life.

One more day of mourning/grieving our loss and then life goes on…sigh…

My mother in-law and me, 1st Nov 2008, Clinch Mountain Overlook

A quiet, lonely day today.

Time to sharpen a pencil and work on the Book of the Future…

More painted-over nails popping out of sheetrock

Let’s see…the Cherokee football team lost, the Volunteer marching band won, the Hazel Green football team lost, and on and on.

On a systems level, moves are made and then…

The supercomputer churns butter.

In game theory, do emotions play a role?

After spending time with my species, I’ve a galactic simulation to test and implement – can you prove to other entities you can anticipate their actions without knowing much (except everything) about them?

This input device and its corresponding display elsewhere limits descriptive output.

More on that later.

Can the absence-of-I trust the states of energy called emotion and instinct as much as I trust the supercomputer, network of colleagues, and Book of the Future?

As Rev. Rose said, long after Rev. White and his wife were looking for their dogs, life’s transitions tell us how we’re witnesses, or examples of ourselves, to others (and thus back to ourselves).

My family and individuals within my family are in transit.

For some, they may feel their next stop is in the twilight zone.

In this story within a blog of managing the galaxy’s future, where asteroid trajectories serve as measurement data (is there ever a datum that’s not a measurement?), etymology psychology, do we understand that the total mass of nonplanetary matter matters more than the individual pieces?

Yes, but at what timescale?

Could you explain a leaf rake to a bodyless being?

Can you create an infographic that shows the influence of the Alabama-LSU football game on every one of us seven billion?

The Tennessee instate rivalry game attracts viewers.

While everyone else is looking at an electronic device, what has your attention?

The truly frugal don’t read online blogs.

Obviously, they’re not my readers.

Thanks to Cross Flower Shop; Chad Hill; Tommy and Stella Logan; Town of Rogersville Street Dept; Sweet Tooth Cafe; Ada at GreenBank; McKinney crew; friends and family; the nurse from Michigan who seeks culture.

Almost time to write the next chapter.

Pull the ripcord ’cause you’re parachuting onto the fast-moving transition train.

[Have you taken the time to describe your relative’s dying moments in great detail? Should I?]