Trying to understand why goldfish muck around a fountain…

My friends in the American sport known affectionately as the NFL have argued with me that just because they like wearing tight pants, gloves and fancy, shiny, bejeweled hats does not, in fact, imply that they are anything more than normal heterosexual men, neither gay nor bisexual, and certainly not cross-dressers or transsexuals.

Well, who am I to counter-argue?

After all, my fat-to-muscle ratio is entirely out of proportion to theirs and my 40-yard dash is more like a 40-yard wheezing shuffle.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like a good argument.

Let’s look at some examples of what a good football game could look like if we decided not to take the players at their word.

Like this one, a nice, muddy reenactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbour.

Now, compare it to its “opposite”, a muddy NFL game — is there really any difference?

I mean, if women are willing to play football in their skivvies, what are guys all wrapped up in pads trying prove?

Let’s take another look: helmet-to-helmet hit vs. the Battle of Hastings vs. NFL players at their toughest vs. other guys in outfits dancing.

I don’t know…is there that much difference?  Seems like the first video was the toughest of the bunch.

Of course, what takes place in the locker room afterward may seal the deal but it’s not my business who likes taking group showers.

I won’t bother you with comparing ballet performances to NBA games — you’ve surely already seen those comparisons….or NHL games to Disney on Ice…or…Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in a tutu???

Mystery to solve, solvents to mist

My grandfather was a man of more happiness than monetary wealth.

He reasoned, my father told me, that knowledge is the heated, padded seat in the outhouse of life — you can’t find the swallowed diamond until you sift through a lot of BS.

Granddaddy kept a lot of secrets along the way of gathering facts.

One day, while standing the backyard, looking at the canal but, in his thoughts, staring out at the sea, a fellow old seaman walked up to Granddaddy and told him a wild tale about a plot of land up in New Hampshire owned by a family named Winthrop something or other.

The land itself was not remarkable except for one small fact — every 100 years, a bright light appeared on the horizon, rose into the sky and shone down on a certain spot of the family plot.

My grandfather, ever the realist, asked why the seaman was sharing this information with a sailor and not someone more authoritative.

Well, this seaman, he was known in those parts for his notorious behaviour, having crossed paths with the law a few too many times, but he didn’t mind sharing this information with my grandfather, a nice man who had only beaten this fellow a few times in acey-deucey.

My grandfather asked what the man knew about the farm.

“It’s not exactly a farm.  Not anymore.  A few years ago, they converted it to a golf course.”

My grandfather had a soft place in his fact-filled thoughts for the irrational sport of golf.  “Okay, so tell me what you know about this light.  Anything you know for a fact?”

The man shared a document with my grandfather.

Yellowed and torn, the document described a treasure that was like no treasure that had been seen before — not only a map of the stars but instructions for how to travel through space from one planet to another.

My grandfather was a loving, trusting man but he had his skeptical side, too.

What proof did the man have that the document was authentic?

The man said that his grandfather had worked on the farm and found the document buried in the wall of an old, abandoned well, long since dug up and removed from history.  No one living knew about its existence.

The man said that the next 100-year visit was fast approaching.  All the man asked was that my grandfather visit the golf course, take pictures and share whatever information he gleaned.

Granddaddy was also a curious man, having learned that behind every legend or myth is a nugget of truth.

He had already accumulated enough material wealth to last the rest of his lifetime, but what about the lifetimes of his son and his grandchildren?

He accepted the document, bid the man goodbye and, when my grandmother returned from her garden club meeting, suggested they consider taking a vacation to New England in the next year.

My father had heard this story only a few times from my grandfather, assuming it was more parable or metaphorical tale than anything real.

Dad told me that in every life we’ll encounter people who belief wholeheartedly in family lore.  We are not to disapprove or discourage these people from holding their stories on the highest pole, flying them as flags of faith and family honour.

Dad said that Granddaddy promised the story would have a happy ending but he wouldn’t tell my father what was discovered one night in New Hampshire, only that a few photographs he took barely document the event which cemented my grandfather’s belief in one fellow sailor’s tall tale.

Dad didn’t have an ending to share with me.

However, he did said that Granddaddy hinted the answer would be found on his property in south Florida.

Lo and behold, I think I have the first evidence of that fateful, faith-filled evening.

I present to you, dear reader, the images to which my grandfather eluded:

My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture My beautiful picture

I have more to go through to determine if the map and other information are in the chest and I’m just not seeing it.

Quotes for the day

Leo Cawley, Vietnam veteran:

There is almost no human activity that is as intensely social as modern warfare… When a military unit loses its internal cohesion and starts to fight as individuals there is such a radical and unfavourable change in the casualty ratio that it is almost always decisive… Every general staff in the world since 1914 has known that the bravery of individual soldiers in modern war is about as essential as whether they are handsome.

J.G. Ballard:

…the slaughter in Star Wars, quite apart from the destruction of an entire populated planet, is unrelieved for two hours, and at times stacks the corpses halfway up the screen.  Losing track of the huge bodycount, I thought at first that the film might be some weird, unintentional parable of the US involvement in Vietnam, with the plucky hero from the backward planet and his scratch force of reject robots and gook-like extraterrestrials fighting bravely against the evil and all-destructive super-technology of the Galactic Empire.  Whatever the truth, it’s strange that the film gets a U certificate — two hours of Star Wars must be one of the most efficient means of weaning your pre-teen child from any fear of, or sensitivity towards, the death of others.

Is AT&T losing customers to Verizon in north Alabama?

The pulsing migraine headache that has dogged me from the moment I was born is pulsating “louder” than ever today.

I am screaming in my thoughts in order to be heard, using alliteration as method to contain the contagion of madness that wants to spread into the rest of my body.

Using old tricks of my youth to hide my insanity from the rest of the world — running through vocabulary words in any language to keep myself connected with the society into which I was born and am expected to communicate in a legible manner.

The litany of voices I hear and read wants to repeat itself here through the funhouse mirror/brilliant cut crystal ball of a writer.

…the dance instructor I just met who tells me her whole life story in a few minutes — married, divorced, miscarriages, births, lack of silliness, not a girl, not interested in guys, Western Swing dance champion who prefers Balboa dance style, etc., like she has been through this interrogation by strangers a million times and learned to push people away quickly, or…what?

…on social media: the animal rescue posts — please rescue this dog/cat before it’s euthanised, pitbulls aren’t dangerous, found a cat with kittens in a back alley that need to be adopted, etc.;  the gun owners who feel threatened by government regulations and must let us know their fears through LOUD STATEMENTS EVERY DAY; the people who claim they are loving devotees of their religion but they relentlessly post hateful comments about others (Christians against Obama, Buddhists against overcrowded cities, etc.).

So, in my mental confusion, I put a paper bowl filled with water, oatmeal and ground-up flax seed in the microwave oven, set the timer for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and, after taking a shower, I returned to find I had made dried oatmeal/flax seed cakes instead of a bowl of hot cereal.

Happiness!!!

The universe entertains me constantly, poking me in the side and saying, “See? Isn’t life beautiful? You didn’t burn oatmeal, you made yourself the handheld dried oatmeal cake you’ve always dreamed of eating on the commute to work for years, didn’t you?”

Despite the boring moments between eventful events, while setting up the next scenario to snag the snaggle-toothed snagosaurus, life is, indeed, beautiful.

Surprising, no?

A book-length look back

My father was, in some ways, a wannabe police officer – he was a deputized sheriff for Polk County, Florida, an instructor for Citizens Academy and a member of Neighbourhood Watch wherever he resided, as far as I remember.

He certainly regretted many times not taking an offer of an officer’s commission with the U.S. Army.

I rediscovered this book in my library a few minutes ago — time to finally sit down and read it, understand more of what Dad wished for, had it not been for his children he wanted to provide a “normal” father with a safe job:

Black-Friday-Coming-Down