“This is Niles Arrogant with BBC News. Today we are sitting down with ‘America’s Supercop’ to learn what he plans to bring to the UK…sorry, I mean to Great Britain, in order to restore order. Good morning.”
“Good morning to you, Niles.”
“Tell me. How does one become a ‘supercop’?”
“Well, it’s not easy. I worked for the sheriff for years before I earned the respect of my fellow citizens.”
“I see. And this sheriff, was he also a ‘supercop?'”
“I’m not exactly sure he’d call himself that. Everyone just called him Andy.”
“Andy?”
“Yes.”
“That doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as ‘Rocky’ or ‘Arnold,’ does it?”
“I don’t know why it should. His name’s Andy, not ‘Rocky'”.
“We were told not to inquire about your name, in order to protect your privacy and allow you to operate ‘incognito,’ as you say in the States.”
“Shoot. There’s no need for formality. Just call me Barney, Barney Fife.”
‘”Barney Fife?’ That names rings a bell. In any case, Mr. Fife, what skills shall you be teaching our elite British riot suppression squads?”
“Seriously, just call me Barney.”
“Yes, Barney. But can you answer the question? Or is evasiveness part of the job?”
“Aw, shucks, Niles. I ain’t being evasive.”
“Call me Mr. Arrogant.”
“Sure thing. See, over in Mayberry, we know who everyone is. Of course, Andy and I…the sheriff and I, I mean, we keep our policing skills up. But mainly, we depend on the honesty and integrity of the townspeople to tell us who done it.”
“So life is a simple matter of waiting for someone else to solve the ‘whodunit,’ as you call it?”
“Yes, sir. We ain’t never had one unsolved crime in all the years the sheriff and I worked at Mayberry.”
“I see. And how large is this metropolis of Mayberry that I don’t seem to recall hearing about in BBC world news?”
“Well…what, with Aunt Bea having passed on, Opie growing up and moving into the picture making business, the sheriff going off to make a TV show about lawyering, and… well, now that I think about it, Mayberry might’ve just plumb fallen off the map, altogether.”
“‘Mayberry might’ve just plumb fallen off the map’, you say?”
“I believe so.”
“Hmm… are you aware we have the 2012 Olympics coming up in London very soon?”
“Olympics? Yeah, I read about it in the newspaper. See, back in Mayberry, we don’t get many TV channels, so I know they show the Olympics on TV but I’m too busy studying.”
“Barney, are you familiar with the international gang activity in this part of the world?”
“Gang activity has gone international? Well, I’ll be. The little boys with their gang clubhouse in the woods at the outskirts of town will be thrilled to know they ain’t the only gang around.”
“Are drugs, gunrunning and prostitution problems in Mayberry. Or were they, before Mayberry disappeared?”
“They talked about that at the deputy sheriffs’ convention last summer. But only in big, scary towns like New York City. We don’t tolerate any mischievous behaviour in Mayberry.”
“I bet. Barney, I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule here in London to clearly explain to us your extensive experiences that qualify you as ‘America’s Supercop.’ We look forward to Scotland Yard quickly cracking down on crime with your advice and assistance.”
“No problem, Mr. Arrogant. I’m just glad to be here.”
“I bet you are. Good day.”
“See ya.”
“This is Niles Arrogant reporting. In our next segment, we’ll examine the upsurge of joy and elation that preceded a sudden surge of crime following the announcement of Cameron’s announcement that only ‘America’s Supercop’ could bring sense and sensibility back to the law abiding citizens of Great Britain.”
treetrunkdings 