What is talent?
It seems I wish everyday I haven’t woken up from the night before, that I don’t have to face the real me anymore.
As a child, well-versed in protecting myself from my father’s angry blows and blessed with a natural smile on my face, I was able to fake happiness physically when I was instead crouching in fear mentally.
That fear has never left me.
In a false belief of sophistication, I have grown my vocabulary of words and phrases to protect myself from what I always perceive as two ways people treat me:
1. They want something from me, and/or
2. They intend to do me harm.
It is an odd way to see the world, not knowing what love is except through observation and analysis of others’ behaviour toward one another when they say it’s about love.
In the autumn of 1984, I took my parents’ station wagon and drove out West, able, through many hours of hearing country/rock songs on the radio, to discern much of what people call love in commercial music/adverts is really lust or temporary physical attraction.
But decades have past and I’m older, supposedly wiser.
A friend, Brenda Craig, once told me if I ever got outside my head, to look her up. I interpreted that to mean joining society more fully so I climbed the corporate ladder and looked her up. She congratulated me.
From that experience I learned it was no good trying to interpret what other people mean. Did she love me, and if so, in what way?
I have been alone, mostly lonely, my whole life.
Despite the best efforts by friends to break through my mental fog of being isolated from the world, the fog thickens and I return to my self-hatred and fear of the world of humans at large.
I don’t give up hope that I might change and actually learn what true love and friendship is.
At the same time I’ve grown used to being alone in my thoughts, so much so that I’ve tried to warn friends old and new to leave me alone, I’m not who they think I am.
I’ve developed a strong defense system that appears to make people feel better about themselves which in turn makes them want to make me feel better by their reciprocal behaviour.
It is simply sets of states of energy reacting to one another.
Although Jenn has been a great friend to me I have done my best to stay away from her because I know who I am. I love her too much to be a part of her life.
With that I return to my mental contemplation of wishing I don’t live another day and stop recording my mental musings in social media.