The older I get…

Seems like the confusion just gets worse, the older I get and the longer I’m retired.

Just the other day, I went to see the movie “Moonrise Kingdom” with my wife.

Boy, was I disappointed!

I mean, I saw that a guy named Wes and a gal named Coppola had cowritten the film, Wes had directed it.

So, I assume it’s going to be another Wes Craven story, something along the likes of a gangster horror film.

I don’t know, maybe zombie gangsters, or gangsters that know what you did last summer and haunt your dreams.

Not a single gangster!!

And the closest there was to any real horror was a leftie scissors stabbing, a dead dog, a hurricane, a flood and two lightning strikes!!!

Is that the best they could do to try to scare us?

No scarab beetles stabbed on fishing hooks, coming alive and eating their way into kids’ brains?  No fog rolling in off the sea and stealing souls?  No talking snakes or revengeful Indians on the warpath?

Instead, we get cute, cuddly, fun-to-watch, coming-of-age story about two misfit 12-year olds on an island off the northeast coast of the U.S., shades of “Blue Lagoon” hanging in the air not far from “Lord of the Flies” and [pick your favourite summer camp story on celluloid]?

With a soundtrack based primarily on the scores of Benjamin Britten?

Not a single reference to “Apocalypse Now” or ‘”The Godfather”?

Does Wes or Sofia hope to have a successful film director/writer career based on these facts?

Will the actors in the film survive this debacle?  Has anyone ever heard of Bruce Willis or Harvey Keitel in anything but a good, mindless, testosterone-filled action flick?

Why, when I was a kid, these guys would’ve sliced off an ear or yelled, “Yippie-kai-yea, [Mister Falcon]!,” while machinegunning the bad guys, and then spoken a few clever lines to give us the mere whiff, a subliminal suggestion, of a plot to tie the bloodshed together.

Now they’re sleeping in tents, popping pills and snoring in fifth-wheel campers that aren’t part of the portable dressing room sets that belong to major studios.

I guess we all get old, left to reminisce about our first loves, the perplexity of so-called adults and our invincible belief of being in charge of our lives as soon as we started thinking for ourselves…

If someone recommends I see “Brave,” forget it.  I’m going to watch a marathon run of “Braveheart” ten times in a row to earn back my mancard!!!

= = = = = = = = = =

Thanks to Josh, JoNathan, Cathy, Coldwater Creek cougars, Justin, Robbie, Mr. Thigpen, Spencer and others.

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