Just when this reporter thought he had seen it all, earlier today the administration announced, during an election year, no less, that it has banned personal pet ownership.

The official spokesperson for the administration, Whyte Lizun Taultayles, explained that although the administration has no direct bearing or influence on the fluctuation of petrol prices that deeply affect the feelings of citizens who rely upon transportation devices to carry them from one retail purchase to another as well as to their four or five retail sales and/or fast food jobs just to make ends meet…whew!  Ms. Taultayles had to take a deep breath there!…the administration’s own privately-funded public thinktank had determined that ownership of pets or companionship with species not our own is solely responsible for the excess use of petrol that, unlike stories of speculation or market manipulation by highly-influential donors from the oil industry to the current administration (and to every administration before or after), can be tied to dragging down what should be the great news of our economy’s strong growth in these uncertain times caused by unspecified unfriendly international interests and rogue nations.

From the 9th of April onward, any person, family, household, business, nonprofit organisation or international NGO caught harbouring animals not belonging to the species Homo sapiens will be regarded as a traitor of our nation and subject to permanent retainer in baggage compartments and boxcars that have been rigged as mobile detention centers in which interrogators will ferret out all members of secret groups tied to the breeding, care and distribution of nonfood species.

The agriculture industry has stepped forward and declared that their members are in full compliance with the new executive order.  Any farmers overheard giving their cattle or sheep nicknames are not to be construed as treating the animals like a pet; rather, the farmer is merely using a simple mnemonic device to separate the best of the best in breed for future sales calculations.

Political pollsters are stumped that such a drastic measure would be taken this late in the election season.  Analysts are scurrying to determine if there is some new metric the administration has dreamt up to sway a particular segment of potential voters because none of the core voters of any of the main political parties has ever mentioned the desire to tie petrol prices to pet ownership or the pet industry in general.

Meanwhile, the famous author, Benton Revenge, has released a new autobiography about the 62 years her father served as a janitor of the local public school and the effect it had on Benton.  The book promises to reveal sex scandals, the change in quality of chewing gum over the decades, the evolution of stuff kids paste inside their lockers and the cycle of the role of authority that teachers play in the lives of students, administrators and faculty members like Benton’s father which had an important role in turning Benton into an independent, unmarried writer rather than a teacher and mother, seeing as it denied her the access she craved to hoard guinea pigs in broom closets on school property because her father was obsessed with keeping things in their proper places, being a shining example of the perfect student in the “golden age of public education,” he has reminded his daughter on more than one occasion.

The Russian tycoon, Petr Petroyovich Petr Petroyovich, not to be upstaged by James Cameron or Jeff Bezos, launched an expedition to recover one of the Soviet exploration Lunokhod vehicles that ended its mission on the Moon.  We await word from Chinese tycoons about their grand plans for membership in the oneupship club.  Carlos Slim has denied the need to participate, simply being happy as world’s richest person.