Interdisciplinary Studies of Flora and Fawn Today (2012), volume XXII-III, pp. 27-33, published on 1st March 2012.

Correlation between ample warm water supply and male primate behaviour

Edited by I. M. Uhjeanyus

H. Luiyui [1], D. Frutysx [2], S. Ortiz-Rodriquez-Compadre [3]

[1]. University of Open University of You, Interdisciplinary Studies Department, Atlantis Floating Ocean Platform, Earth.

[2]. Institute for the Study of Institutional Studies, Basement Office, Moon Base Gamma, Moon.

[3]. Applied Scientific Hypothetical Conjecture Centre, International Space Platform 21-D.

ABSTRACT

Males of the primate species, Pan troglodytes, when placed under a stream of warm water, display strong characteristics of predisposition toward the desire to mate.  If given these “showers” on a daily basis, the males will develop first an aggressive attitude when mixed with the general population.  Over a period of months, the aggressiveness reduces to a passive-aggressive behaviour and eventually lethargy or malaise.  The use of warm water in the primates’ daily grooming ritual requires a source of heat, which, in small quantities, may derive from solar radiation of waterfalls.  However, when all males acquire this habit of penile erection and subsequent masturbation, warm water sources are depleted rapidly, requiring the primates to develop the skill of building larger water basins.

Applied to the primate species, Homo sapiens, interdisciplinary research has pinpointed the cause for Earth’s abrupt climate change during the Anthropocene Epoch to a similar trait in the male gender as the population depletes natural sources of warm water and seeks larger and larger quantities of warm water in which to perform the simulated act of sexual intercourse (i.e., masturbation) on a regular basis.

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CONCLUSION

More experimentation is needed to understand whether this phenomenon is innate or an example of unobserved learned behaviour.  In either case, feedback data given to the test subjects of both species, especially at a young age (with preadolescent subject training the most effective) indicated a clear decrease in the use of warm water and thus an increase in the species’ survival rate due to fewer environmental resources used for nonreproductive or nonchild-rearing behaviour.  Also, as in most scientific research studies, females were not included, which might shed light on an additional area where energy use has been diverted from the purely biological aspect of basic grooming behaviour for species breeding and child/brood care in a primate social setting.

CONFLICT OF INTEREST

The authors refused to divulge any conflict of interest they may have in writing this report.

REFERENCES

The authors refer the readers to all previous issues of Interdisciplinary Studies of Flora and Fawn Today, since they are also the owners of the scientific magazine.  Oops!  They just also revealed their conflict of interest. [Note to editor: remove the last two sentences, as well as the last phrase of the first sentence, “since they are also the owners of the scientific magazine” (replace with “where similar reports have been published and same references cited”), before publishing this abstract]