In shocking news, a band of Somali pirates, secretly trained at a high-tech development center, intercepted and hijacked the Space Shuttle Endeavour.

Richard Branson and the producers of the new Pirates franchise flick deny they funded this illegal venture.

Rumours that the Somalis were trained by former Blackwater mercenaries in the UAE are unverified at this time.

Now, back to “Bring Nature Indoors!,” Chef DuJour’s infomercial about using Placenta Helper with cicada grub shells and lightly battered and winged cicada bodies to delight a family of four at dinner tonight.

Wait! More breaking news!

In a rush to create a new Irish saint ahead of the nonCatholic British queen’s visit to the Emerald Isle, the Pope accidentally beatified Osama bin Laden, the Papacy assuming the international terrorist was a martyr named O’say Ma Been Laudin, a young boy known for praisin’ and carryin’ on 24 hours a day about the miracles of the modern Celtic Tiger economy until an angry mob of unemployed Irish workers tossed the lad in front of the Irish PM’s motorcade in protest over proposed austerity measures. “Keep the pubs open!” they were heard shouting as garda led them away in paddywagons.

Iran denounced the Roman Catholic leader immediately and then recanted, saying the Pope, a fellow Muslim, is allowed to give thanks and the blessing of a martyr who nipped at the heels of Satan, destroying his twin dens of sin in Manhattan until the Devil finally ate bin Laden like a lowly prisoner, thanks be to Allah.

In unrelated news, seventy virgins were rescued from the Hotel Sofitel in New York. Authorities would not confirm if it had to do with the IMF chief’s recent alleged conversion to a new Catholic-Islamic hybrid faith based on the Kama Sutra and the Song of Solomon.

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