While putting together the script to top all scripts about college basketball, I’ve considered sharing some of the images with you:

• A college fraternity sneaking into the gym at night and changing out banners, with new ones containing small but perceptibly clever anagrams that are not obvious to the casual viewer.
• A few students from the computer science/engineering department coordinating with students from the electrical/mechanical engineering departments to turn basketball goals hanging from the ceiling into mechanical dancers, or…
• The same and more students turning the basketball goals into mechanised dragons and/or bats hanging from the ceiling.
• LED light bars hidden in the rafters and turned on after the championship game to spell out a message, depending on the winner.
• The same for the basketball court, using mesh-networked, battery powered miniLEDs inserted between the hardwood strips or on the gym walls.
• School team coloured fog pouring out of the air vents after a big event.
• A remote-controlled, programmable variable delay in the PA system – nothing like an announcer who hears his/her voice microseconds later than she/he expected, especially as the delay and/or compression varies in length while the person is talking, without the crowd hearing a pitch change.
• Creating an alternative to the official event program, with whatever the creative minds in the art/literature department can come up with, distributing free and/or placing in the stands.
• Reprogramming the security guards’ 2-way radios to pick up a music station in a foreign language at odd intervals.
• Soap, paper towels and toilet tissue in the bathroom that change into the school colours as they get wet, the colour being semi-permanent and nontoxic.
• Changing select sections and bars of music scores in the pep band’s music holders.
• Replacing slides in brass/wind instruments to a slightly shorter/longer length and smaller/larger diameter; putting remote-controlled, programmable passageway restrictions deep down inside the slides; wind instruments with reconfigured fingering.
• The team jokingly sending out fake players onto the field for practice before the game.
• The referees wearing white-and-black striped shirts instead of black-and-white striped shirts.
• Referee whistles that sound like foghorns or train whistles (again, programmable).
• Home team fans/students sitting on the visitors side, filling up the seats before the doors are opened.
• A referee fan club cheering every time a foul is called, with signs held up showing the referee’s name in large letters; the fans cheering, “run, referee [or referee’s name], run!,” every time the team ball possession changes.
• The announcer calling out a different foul than the one indicated by the referee.
• The foul shot shooter insisting on shooting from the top of the three-point line, with the coach running out and arguing for an extra point when the ball goes through the hoop.
• The hoop/goal a large electromagnet programmed (again, remotely) to repel/attract the official game ball, which is actually a fake one lined with a metal mesh inside.
• Both teams secretly agreeing to walk to the wrong side of the court for a foul shot.
• Harlem Globetrotters appearing in one or both teams’ uniforms during halftime warmups and acting like nothing’s the matter but slowly swapping out with the real players as the Globetrotters take the other team’s sideline seats – a joke on the coaches.
• Coaches encouraging the other team’s players and screaming at theirs – wait, they already do that, don’t they?
• Fans/students clearing the gym just before players appear for halftime warmups.
• Videographers’ cameras programmed to record in reverse/negative or some effect like magnifying soap bubbles.
• Photographers forced to sit in the upper deck.
• Reporters told obvious lies by players/coaches/fans/administration, all of the interviewees maintaining a straight face.
• Fans running up to NCAA officials and asking for their autographs and photos with the family.
• Gym lights briefly going out (or for lights that need warmup time, getting covered) during an official timeup, leaving only black light bulbs illuminating the gym for a couple of seconds.
• Opposing pep bands playing a song round-robin style.
• Renumbering the seats in opposite order, right-to-left or left-to-right (same for rows and section numbers).
• Swapping out Pepsi-Cola and Coca-Cola labels to see who notices the difference.
• During the game, announcing the scores of a completely different sport in a country that has maybe one or two players in the current game who get the joke.
• The school mascot wearing an altered headgear, or one programmed to change shape throughout the game.
• Cheerleaders jumping up and down and making mouth/facial expressions without saying anything audible.
• Cheerleader megaphones with voice changers.
• Folding bleachers that slightly move forward, backward, left or right throughout the game (millimeters, not inches).
• Seats/bleachers that randomly make loud groaning sounds or aahs whenever people sit down or stand up.
• A fan that belches loudly throughout the game.
• A family that sits and reads some obscure literature during the game, discussing fine plot points no matter what’s going on on the basketball court.
• People hidden under the bleachers who take, move or swap out whatever people have placed beside their feet.
• Students holding up tablet PCs that spell out phrases, either scrolling or static.

Those are just a few of the images the script will display to the reader, including the usual clever wordplay, innuendos, misunderstandings and inside jokes we’ve come to expect.

Let the games begin!  The best teams win.

Thanks to my friends who attended such pranksterish schools as CalTech – your stories from the ’80s inspire me to this day.

A shoutout to Dr. Dalle Ave for his…well, his reputation (or lack thereof?) of kind elderly customer care.  The word is out, dude.  As the UAH students say at basketball games, “airball, airball, you suck!”  [I don’t think their cheer of “Ug-ly play-er” during a foul shot applies here, though.]  Thank goodness, my mother in-law has kids, grandkids and in-laws who care about her as a real, living, loving person.

Sympathies to the family of my high school/UTK mate, Monica.  Your father was a great man – Eastman chemist, Amway star, lakehouse chaperone, road runner, deer hunter and wise advisor to teenagers.  You, your siblings and children are wonderful examples of your father’s ability to raise well-rounded kids.  He died much too young but he’s with you in spirit the rest of your days.