The Difference Between Writers and Schizophrenics Is…

I’m in another of my weird moods.
Therefore, I write.
Let’s see…”i before e except after c”…
Oh yeah, I misspelled weird, didn’t I? Or did I?
I can’t remember.
For the moment, I’m lost in the world of
Correct spelling without a dictionary handy.
Wait, isn’t there a dictionary beneath the tabletop?
Hmm…didn’t I bring Mom’s dictionary from upstairs
And put it in this room?
Apparently not. Oh well.
I guess I’ll have to go on, taking the chance that I’ll misspell
a word or two.
(Will the god of correct spelling ever let this go by?
Who knows? And really, who cares? Anyway…)
I’ve been having headaches lately and I can’t figure the reason.
I’ve been having problems lately. What else is new
And who cares because life goes on with or without me
(Hey wow, isn’t that a heavy piece of reality?).
At times like this one (time is a thing, isn’t it?),
I am a radio that has a constantly changing — that is,
moving in a random direction — tuning dial.
Lots of bullshit in your brain does not make you a smart
or intellectual person.
Then what does?
Well, what is intellectual?
What is an intellectual?
What is anything?
“Shut up.”
What.
“I said shut up.”
Please, not again. Leave me alone.
“Why?”
Why anything?
“Why anything?”
Okay, everybody meet the mirror of my mind.
“Okay, everybody meet the mirror of my mind.”
Well, so he/she/it is not a perfect mirror.
“What’s he talking about?”
Shut up.
“Okay.”
I’m here again to torture myself and you (of course)
with the trivial thoughts of moi.
“Moi.”
Vous.
“Non, tu.”
Look at me, a complete idiot. No, not complete, just here,
here recording these words.
“Recording these words…”
Recording these words for no one in particular.

The storm raged for days,
Taking its frustrations out on the little guy
and his new bass boat.
“What does this storm want from me?” the little guy asked.
“I’m just a little guy.”
“But you bought a bass boat and don’t know anything
about bass fishing,” the storm shouted,
Throwing water into the guy’s boat.
“But I want to learn.”
“Did you buy a car before you knew how to drive?”
“But…”
“Yeah, start hedging the issue now before you drown. I like
to hear little guys like you spew out your drivel. You prove you’re just a little guy.”
“So what? Why can’t I just be a little guy who doesn’t
know about bass fishing? You don’t know everything
yourself.”
“I know. However, I’m in command here, aren’t I?”
“Everybody is in command, I hope.”
“Yes, and I want to drown you.”
“Why? Why me?”
[Here comes the line you’ve been waiting for—]
“Why not?”

Tyrants and fools, don’t they have something in common?
“Yes, I believe they do. As a matter of fact, I think the
answer is you.”
You would. Hahaha. Get it? You would.
“Laughter is good medicine.”
Oh, leave me alone.
You see, I want to be with you right now,
You who do not exist on this physical level,
You who knows me,
You who is me,
You who breathes in my dreams.
I…I feel alone with you now.
Now…
Now..
Now.
The [my] internal/external song keeps on playing
And I want to share it with everyone I meet
But I am not normal…
“Who is?”
Yes, I know.
“Then why stop to question your ability? Why waste time
recording what I say to you? Why don’t you go on and
write a goddam story?”
There you go using profane language again.
“I know, you don’t like the word ‘story’, do you?”
I don’t like a lot of things.
“Do you hate your mother?”
I especially don’t like you playing psychoanalyst with me.
“I was just having fun.”
He was just having fun, he says, Don’t forget that you is I
as well as you is you and I am I.
“You’re getting boring.”
What else is new?
“Certainly not this conversation.”

She shifted in her seat, wondering, waiting for the light to change
While he scratched his nose and took his foot off the brake
And started accelerating the car through the interchange.
“Nice day for a white wedding, isn’t it?” he said.
“What are you talking about?” she said.
“Nothing,” he said.
“You’re irritating me again,” she said.
“Good,” he said.

Where is Ernest Hemingway when you need him?
“Growing daisies, what else?”
Your jokes are not funny.
“But your face is.”
Haha.
“No, mini-haha. It was a small joke.”
Did I not ask you to leave me alone?
“Do you stop asking questions?”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have a bonafide headache.
“He has a whopper-with-cheese headache.”
I could keep this conversation going on forever.
“You mean as long as you live.”
[In unison] Same thing. “Same thing.”
“Are we in a play?”
I’m not sure.
“Well, don’t you know?”
Give me a moment…[“I” moves STAGE RIGHT]
…yes, I believe so.
“Good, why don’t you write an intermission so I can piss.”
You mean urinate, don’t you?
[In unison] Same thing. “Same thing.”
My headache is almost gone.
“Can we take a break then?”
Yeah, I’m tired of writing.
“Of course, why bother? I mean, who’s going to read this,
anyway? Who gives a shit whether you live or die?
You can always write tomorrow. There are lots of
people who write better than you. You’ll never do
anything with this stuff. You don’t want people to
know I exist. You…”
Want to interrupt you.
“Just because you couldn’t think of anything more
for me to say.”
You will always say more.
“More.”
And crack stupid jokes.
“A funny thing happened to me on the way to the typewriter…”
But I’ll always love you.
“Yeah, me, too.”
You’ll always love yourself?
“Oh, well, I guess I’ll always love you too.”
I thought so.
“You think too much.”
Goodnight.
“Goodnight, Johnboy.”
Shut up.
“Thank you.”
We’ll see you later.

– 9 August 1986

=     ==   ===  ====  ===   ==     =

…Writers Put Their Personalities to Good Use

I am here with you again, you the entity that does not exist
So others can’t see your physical form.
You are only me in a way that may be
Twisted,
Unorthodox,
Unusual,
Insane,
But actually accepted by everyone as a way to survive
In this human-built lifestyle.
I am here with you alone.
“Thank God for that.”
Yes, I thank my lucky stars.
“Who shall I play tonight? A substitute for your mother?”
Are you going to start with the female role stuff again?
“Okay, okay, so I feel like being a little bit dull tonight. You’ve
had your share of uninteresting moments. Give me a break.”
Never.
“Ever?”
Never ever.
“Shall we tell them about the time we went to visit a psychoanalyst?”
You just did.
“No, I mean should we give them the details?”
I don’t know. Should we?
“Maybe later.”
Okay, that’s fine with me. What shall we do now?
“Hmm…we could split into several personalities and act out
a conflict of some sort.”
Like what?
“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe a classic story about a guy
and his strange female lover.”
You’re still hooked on playing out the part of a female.
“No, you’re hooked on pointing out females in our
conversations.”
Look, there’s a female or two in your last sentence.
“The jokes are hot in here tonight. I could fry an egg
on your last remark.”
Please do, it would egg-cite me.
“Har-har.”
God, aren’t we in a sarcastic mood tonight?
You said it, not me.
“I feel like I’m in a movie in a TV looking out.”
Those aren’t your words.
“Hey, words cannot be possessed. They’re only symbols.”
Yeah, symbols for things which can be possessed.
“Nobody possesses anything.”
You’re wrong on that point. You are possessed.
“You’re so funny I forgot to laugh.”
Have you heard that we’re just the evolutionary result
of DNA’s desire to reproduce itself?
“Yes, I heard it at the same time you did. Why are you
bringing it up now?”
Why else?
“To laugh at such a crazy notion? To crack a poor joke?
To show your ignorance about the universe?
Just why did you bring that up?”
To change the subject.
“Why aren’t you writing down everything we say to each other?”
Would that I could.
“What does that mean?”
We’re running out of ink for the typewriter.
“So who’s going to notice? Just you and I. Let’s talk
about something more intriguing, more interesting,
more up our alley.”
Like what?
“Like you better change the ink cartridge.”
Okay…here goes…it’s done.
“Wait, you just changed the ink cartridge for a few words
and went back to the soon-to-be-empty cartridge.
Don’t tell me you were just going to keep typing
and not tell everyone what you just did?”
Why should I record such a trivial event as that?
“Because you must try to strive to tell the truth.”
I must try…?
“I mean, you mustn’t try, you must strive at all times.”
What is the truth?
“Hey, it’s not fair to ask ambiguous questions and you know it.”
Just because we’re the same body doesn’t mean I have to be fair
to you, you know. I don’t owe you a goddam thing.
“Such language.”
Only the best for you, my friend.
“I want to use a line from the movie, ‘A Clockwork Orange.’
What should I say?”
How about ultraviolence?
“That’s not a line, that’s just a word.”
Well, then, how about, ‘Oh, my brothers, you should have
seen the sight’? Will that do the job?
“I’m not sure. Is that really a line from the movie?”
Probably. It sounds like one.
“Oh my brothers, you should have seen the sight.”
That sounds good.
“Thanks. I like the way it sounds, too.”
Did you like the movie or book better?
“Better than what?”
Better than the other.
“The other what?”
Oh, forget it.
“No, really, what do you mean?”
Just forget it.
“I don’t want to. I want to know what you meant.”
Did you like the movie better than the book?
“Oh, well, there’s no comparison.”
See what I mean, you’re useless.
“I am not useless. I help keep you up late at night. I make
sure you schedule more than one thing at the same time.
I keep you from taking too many drugs. I make sure
you iron your clothes. Let’s see, what else do I do to
keep from being useless? I…”
Don’t waste the ink trying to tell me. Just accept the fact that you’re useless and can’t do anything about it.
“Okay, I’ll shut up then.”
You do that.
“Okay, I’m just about ready to stop.”
If you stop, I stop.
“Good, I’m tired.”
Isn’t it great being Siamese twins sharing the same body?
“You’re weird.”
No, we are weird.
“Let’s talk like this again soon.”
That sounds good to me.

– 17 August 1986