Today, my scientists gave me a bag of parts to see if I could recreate the discovery they made.
Inside the bag was an Arduino board, a Sylvania Android tablet, a alcohol breathalyser and miscellaneous parts.
Within a couple of hours, I analysed the software installed on the two computer systems and deduced what my illustrious, if not esteemed, colleagues had pieced together for themselves.
Combining a voiceprint system with language dialect detection, the breathalyser signals are broken down by the Arduino, which coordinates with the Android tablet to create a personality profile, including a medical report on the person who breathes into the breathalyser, looks into the webcam and speaks several phrases at a precise rate of speed tailored to the individual test subject.
The software determines the approximate location of the person’s upbringing, compares the person’s speech patterns against a database of people observed in public CCTV/private webcam situations from the same subculture, analyses minute mouth/tongue/throat movement and breath contents to produce a health profile.
As a byproduct, the software guesstimates the type of childhood education the subject received and its effectiveness, using the audiovisual techniques given during the speech pattern testing portion of the software’s mini-exam.
Government-approved public education systems have already requested multiple copies of this “Arduinoidalyser,” in hopes that the software test results can be used in place of standardised classroom testing to predict a child’s future place in society without stigmatising the child’s testtaking abilities in comparison to other children.
Teachers who like the “tip the bottle,” as the saying goes, have asked that the breathalyser portion be turned off should the teachers have to submit themselves to the Arduinoidalyser for benchmarking.
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Meanwhile, the Chinese government today demanded that all retailers carrying authentic/counterfeit footwear designed/manufactured by/for Wolverine Worldwide are officially banned because the Wolverine corporation makes footwear for the U.S. military and thus must be a covert spy operating on Chinese soil.
The U.S. government denied any direct covert surveillance connection to Wolverine.
After seeing the Wolverine Worldwide press release, Marvel Comics has decided to sue the Wolverine corporation for the use of the name of one of their most popular cartoon characters.
Wolverine Worldwide immediately countersued, saying they’ll grind their boots in the face of an comic book hero that never really served in the military.
The University of Michigan, in order to avoid controversy, has changed its mascot to the Persian Rugs in recognition of the changing democratics demographics in the Great Lakes state.
