Monogamy – it’s not just for breakfast.

Here at Gulla Bull Connect-a-Life, we work hard to make sure our e-dating site records all the minutiae about your life that no one else cares about.

Using an electronic calculator cobbled together with some old RCA 1802 microprocessors we found in one of our attics, we compute the odds of you matching anyone anywhere, in our database or otherwise.

“The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

Most importantly, we do our best to connect the 95% of women to the 5% of men who want to get married, knowing in reality that we’re matching the 95% of men to the 5% of women who just want to have sex.

Sorry, we don’t deal in fantasies.

And if you aren’t interested in an old-fashioned heterosexual relationship, don’t worry.  Most of the other people who think they can’t find the perfect mate aren’t, either.  [Shh, it’s a secret!]

“Mon Dieu, Lee!”

“Yes, humble worshipper. You called?”

“Lee, you are noy my god…”

“And yet, you put my name in a sentence as if I am.”

“Like the short painter, you have nothing, Toulouse.”

“And I suppose you pretend to be Camille or Adriana…”

“Polyangle.”

“I see. So this is a word game on ‘Midnight in Paris’?”

“Non.”

“Aussi.”

“Oui. These americains. They…uh, their Pure-rhetoricalisms…it is…how do you…”

“Puritanism, perhaps?”

“Huh?”

“Do you mean they have strict religious beliefs like their founding peres et meres?”

“Pourquoi? Qu’est-ce que c’est, pears and mares?”

“You are impossible. Did you hear the American government, always dominating the foreign news service by blowing a lot of hot air, has decided students are like food crops and must file a five-year university plan with their application for a student loan?”

“Non!”

“Oui. Any deviation from their studies results in jail time. No more Apples or facebooks without government approval.”

“Theze is a miracle. Next, they shall make the UN charter all over again, declaring countries cannot join the UN if they are tax shelters, forfeiting their sovereignty if they do not join.”

“Oui?”

“Bitte. Hai! Mon petit doigt me l’a dit.”

“Peu importe.”

“La, vous touchez du doigt le problème essentiel.”

“Mais, ce vieux reglement est toujours en vigeur?”

“Nn…oui.”

“C’est un peu violent!”

“Non, c’est dommage.”

“Then next we will see a virtual takeover of Norway by right-wing ‘protectors’ to prevent the very violence they never officially approved nor disapproved.”

“Oui, no different than americains electing a man with a Muslim name after Muslims were blamed for 9/11. A saudi conspiracy, no doubt, with one man in mind.”

“Il connait tous les dessous?”

“Oui. La nouvelle s’est répandue comme une traînée de poudre.”

“Ne faites pas trainer votre histoire en longueur; venez-en au fait.”

“Shall I spill the beans, or the peas, as it were?”

“Oui. Il faut absolument le faire dans les formes.”

“Le plus fort, c’est qu’ils croient avoir gagné!”

“Non!”

“Oui!”

“Ses anciens associés le faisaient chanter.”

“Ha ha. ‘Qu’est-ce que vous me chantez la?'”

“C’est du propre et du joli!”

“Il à pris le décision de partir de son propre chef.”

“Non?!”

“Oui. Il à avale sa bière s’un trait.”

“Ses camarades lui ont bourré le crâne et il ne voit plus ses limites.”

“Boucle-la!”

“Il est bouché à l’émeri!”

“Vous avez le front de me dire cela?”

“Oui. Mais, il faut que nous fassions front ensemble aux critiques.”

“Voilà le hic.”

Avouant son impuissance, il à levé les bras au ciel.

Ils se disposent déjà a partir.

Vous pouvez disposer.

“Au revoir, Docteur Marron.”

“Non, non. Say, ‘Docteur Brown.’ Less meaning but with meaning, all the same.”

“D’accord!”

Il se retournait constamment pour voir s’il était suivi.

“Cette seule erreur ne doit pas mettre en cause dix ans de travail!”

Au moment des élections, plusieurs des députés ont tourné casaque. Leurs projets grandioses ont tourné court.

Il se recueillit un moment avant de donner sa réponse.

“Ils sont en réclame pendant toute la semaine.”

“Non. Maintenant! Cesse de faire le veau et met-toi au travail!”

“Okay. Mais, la droite faisant ses choux gras du désarroi de la gauche.”

“À la guerre comme à la guerre.”

En posant une question innocente, il est tombe dans la gueule du loup.

“Oui. En fin de compte, cela m’est égal.”

On n’a jamais su le fin mot de cette histoire.

“C’est seulement grâce a son argent qu’il a voix au chapitre.”

“Il fait du volume pour masquer son insignifiance.”

“‘Au voleur!'”

“Tu es grand maintenant; tu peux voler de tes propres ailes.”

“Mais, il n’en fiche pas la rame.”

“…mmm, c’est mon dernier mot.”

“Oui. Au revoir.”

“A demain matin!”

“A même temps?”

“Oui.”

While we arrange the second preschooler behavioural test results report for release, in order to change education as we know it forever, eliminating liberal arts completely (except for trust fund kids, of course), we have found a small line item in the upcoming legislation package.

All corporations will be required to reduce their cash holdings to a percent, on an individual level determined by the Treasury Department, generally in reverse proportion to lobbying efforts.  Any excess cash above that amount must be distributed as dividends by the end of the fiscal year or become payments toward reducing the national debt.

More as it is unveiled to us by our crafty interns wandering the halls of your clueless leaders.

“The best way to fool the people was delay passage of lobbyist-packed legislation until the last minute so that nobody really knew what just happened to the wallet/purse or who got a knife in the back,” wrote Honourable Shirupenski on the cover of Terraform Corp’s annual business report in the year 2376, commemorating the end of the last political-based chamber of elected officials.  “From now on, you vote with your Milky Way tokens!”

Shirupenski laughed at the fact that, with the end of the concept of “governments,” all taxes collected by Terraform Corp stayed in the coffers of Terraform Corp, allocated to communities based on sales forecast needs for distribution centers, call centers, training centers, transportation systems, and online/brick-and-mortar shopping centers, rather than on wasteful social needs concocted by legislators keen on getting elected.

Communism, democracy, socialism, republicanism – these political terms had all but vanished from the modern language.

Opposition was alive and well and constantly reborn for every minigeneration, to give Terraform Corp 100% coverage of the solar system’s physical and mental needs.

Shirupenski gave thanks to ancestors and descendants, both natural and artificial, for making this moment complete.

All states of energy in this universe had been given a useful purpose.

The time was now.

Shirupenski pressed a button and disappeared into an adjoining thread of a nearby universe, carrying out a long tradition set by the founders of Terraform Corp many centuries ago.

Using a classic postSkinnerian behavioural model test, we divided a group of preschoolers into those who had the ability to read (group A) and those who didn’t (group B).

From each group, we pulled 29 children, put the two (labeled subgroups A and B) in separate but identical rooms and allowed the children to play with the same set of toys, books, etc.

The remaining children (subgroups labeled A’ and B’) were put together into a supersubgroup labeled C, placed in one room, handed childsafe-plastic Arduino programming guides that resembled reading lesson books and given military-grade tablet computers to play with.

The programming guides provided instructions for accessing interactive versions of themselves on the tablet PCs.

Furthermore, the programming guides included lessons for wirelessly programming the Arduino-based toys in the rooms of subgroups A and B.

By default, the toys had built-in functions for memory games – Simon Sez (repeating lighted button patterns), Concentration (recalling pairs of matching images) and Singalong (humming sets of playful musical tones).

The children in subgroup C were rewarded for writing programs that created games with the toughest learning curves on the toys.  On a side note, some of the children tended to teach the nonreaders how to read in order to increase overall subgroup success.  The few nonparticipating readers and nonreaders were pulled out after three weeks and placed in subgroup E (see below).

The children in subgroups A and B were rewarded for solving the new games the fastest.  The ones who, instead of playing with toys, chose to read and thus solved the riddles that described Arduino programming problems in “plain” word/sentence form, were removed and put in subgroup D that wrote new problems/games for subgroup C to program.  The children in subgroup D were rewarded for the most number of problems that subgroup C chose to program.

A subset of children in all subgroups shied away from toys, books and/or tablet PCs, breaking up into small social groups or going off singly.  They were pulled out after three weeks and put together as subgroup E in a room that was connected to an outdoor playground which included a maze that exited into a tetrahedron-shaped room of mirrors with a hidden microphone connected to a voice-activated parroting system that repeated the last 20 seconds of spoken/sung sounds.

We now have children in subgroup C who speak and act “Arduino” as extensions of themselves.

The children in subgroups A and B speak and act as extensions of subgroup C.

Subgroup D overtly but unknowingly controls subgroups A, B and C.

Subgroup E was observed for potential future preschooler test scenarios.

Due to the nature of the experiment, no control group was set aside, because no proposed outcome had been established ahead of time.  The only assumption was that no physical harm should befall the children.  Longterm mental effects were undefined and not speculated about.

More as it develops in this postmodern preapp programming generation.

We are part of Experiment Set Class Group AG Subgroup 0030, rewarded for the quickest and most profitable contribution of preschoolers to functioning society.

In its monthly meeting this morning, the Committee reiterated it plan to accelerate the Reverse Shock Doctrine recently demonstrated (once again), giving thanks to the team of Naomi Klein and Paul Krugman for their excellent treatises on the subject.

Without Naomi and Paul, such policies would not have the general acceptance they do now.  Ditto Michael Moore and his inspiration for how businesses can make themselves look better against sloppy-looking radical filmmakers.

In entertainment news, China offered full clemency and a safe haven for Rupert Murdoch and spouse, should he and/or they be convicted of crimes against human decency in the West.

James, however, is on his own.

¡Viva la Recuperation!

This opposite sketch is over.

And now, a word from the rest of the universe about a timeless moment not concerning a minor species on Earth…

Do oil spills make you otters and birds feel constipated?

Does acid rain make you conifers go bald?

Well, you’ve come to the right place because we have a cure!

Hidden in a lightly-guarded vault of a secret organisation is an antihuman organism so deadly, seven billion can disappear just like THAT!

How can you get hold of that cure, you ask?

Well, we can’t show you here, of course.  So meet us at [x37v ,35fd764309&##$] in approximately [wls/1294] hours and we’ll show you how to get hold of that cure.

It’s up to you to figure out how, when and where to use it.

Meanwhile, a group of survivalists have has hastily constructed an escape rocket system that launches biodomes and other survival gear ahead of the launch of the survivalists to the Moon, just moments before the antihuman organism cure was released into Earth’s atmosphere.

Stay tuned on your shortwave radios for more exciting chapters on this twist in the history of Earth spreading life into the cosmos!