Sometimes love is not enough to keep me going so I nurture and let loose my self-loathing to break down barriers built up by old habits.  For 27 years, in fact, I have nurtured a large reserve of self-hate-filled thoughts that I was able to let loose last night.

I dare not go back and read them because, having lived with them, I know how ugly they are — the grotesque, macabre, hurtful creatures in my thoughts that lurk in the background, looking for weaknesses, waiting for the day to turn me into the Ogre of Ogres, proving that I am a fraud rather than an empty vessel, hoping I will pick up their banner and march in their name rather than meditate on the beauty of the universe.

I figured out this morning why pop songs have been playing in my thoughts lately and it’s because I have been sleeping in the bedroom with my wife as the alarm goes off in the morning, the alarm being a local radio station that plays “oldies.”

The song playing this morning was another doozy, quickly influencing my dreams as I woke up to jar my wife’s shoulder and wake her up:

I can’t seem to face up to the facts
I’m tense and nervous and I
Can’t relax
I can’t sleep ’cause my bed’s on fire
Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire

Psycho Killer
Qu’est Que C’est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Psycho Killer
Qu’est Que C’est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

You start a conversation you can’t even finish it.
You’re talkin’ a lot, but you’re not sayin’ anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?

Psycho Killer,
Qu’est Que C’est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Psycho Killer
Qu’est Que C’est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

Ce que j’ai fais, ce soir la
Ce qu’elle a dit, ce soir la
Realisant mon espoir
Je me lance, vers la gloire … OK
We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they’re not polite

Psycho Killer,
Qu’est Que C’est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Psycho Killer,
Qu’est Que C’est
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh….

[Songwriters: BYRNE, DAVID/FRANTZ, CHRISTOPHER/WEYMOUTH, TINA]