The luxury of recounting one’s dreams

In these past few days (weeks?) where I have asked myself if self, family, community, subculture, planet, galaxy are or are not more than symbols, I make no quick, foolish or foolishly quick decisions.

In a dream last night, my dream personality chased myself up into consciousness sprawled across the sleeping sofa, on which I turned and scribbled these notes in the moonlight:

16 Jan 14

I’m finished with touching another body on the dance floor or having to look into a person’s eyes because so much sexual tension builds up in me without a way to relieve the tension…. not fun anymore.  I’ve become used to the separation of reality from wishes, it just loses interest.  Reducing desire to pursue partners. Need to thank my instructor for wanting to dance competitively with me but it’s not going to happen unless there are serious changes in my life.

As of tomorrow, it will have been a year since I started attending dance workshops with my wife.

In dance workshops, my wife and I initially start out holding hands and dance together before dance leaders or followers are asked to rotate, meaning that I get a new dance partner for 10, 15, 20, 30 or 60 seconds to attempt a new dance formation; with that dance partner, I meet a new person, a new set of life’s experiences to ask about, a new wider/narrower/taller/shorter body shape to adjust to, a new hair colour to physically look down on (although, occasionally I’ve danced with women my height or taller), a hand to grip gently or firmly, new eyes to hold my attention.

For the majority of the dance partners, the new dance formation occupy my thoughts, learning how to move my body to make my dance partner’s moves look amazing and lovely.

For a few of the dance partners, a certain fluidity of energy passes through our fingers, as if unspoken desires are literally at our fingertips.

I enjoy the flirtatious nature of dancing, no doubt about it.

But for those few dance partners, the flirtatiousness feels more electric, bordering on lust, knowing that my partner and I are setting up a situation with foreplay that doesn’t necessarily include us.

The understanding between myself and a dance partner has ranged from the almost regimented rigid cold upper body sentiment of an Irish “River Dance” jig to the glued-together warm sensuous flow of a blues dance.

If it were only Irish jig dancers I encountered during workshops, my manly arousal wouldn’t be a problem.

Instead, the one or two out of a hundred workshop participants who turn up the heat drive me insane and, as even my dream self has chased out of me, I have no satisfactory outlet to make those future encounters enjoyable.

Thus, to keep my marriage intact and my sanity in check, I’m trying to figure out how to get across to my wife that our current arrangements are unsatisfactory.

All while my niece and nephew’s grandmother is dying…

All in the luxury of a middle-class lifestyle, snug and warm in a heated home.

After a year of “blue balls,” so to speak, I can’t take it anymore!  I refuse to attend another dance workshop or group dance lesson or I SHALL GO MAD!!!

Death would be too kind OR: opposite pep talks work, too, when you work through the emotions of the moment.

The silence of purgatory suffices ce soir.  Being tonight what amounts to the feeling of only the empty shell of an action that one imagines is the definition of a gentleman leaves me sans espoir, the brass ring lost in my desire to be kind to a childhood friend and confidante who also happens to be my wife who is supportive of traditional heterosexual monogamy only.  To that suffocating circumstance I knowingly submitted myself, death is the only exit?  Tell me it is not so!  Yet, I spent precious funds on a portrait of said lady to give her for our 27th wedding anniversary on Friday, in remembrance of good moments I’ve recently remembered were sugar-coated over time.

I once promised myself to keep escapades to a minimum in our town, should opportunities present themselves, even in imaginary/magical terms on the dance floor, an extension of self-love.

I have fallen out of love with myself and thus the dance, nothing inside me to offer a dance partner because the boy who just followed his wife to have some casual fun on the dance floor died Monday night, unable to convince himself he’ll ever give his wife a partner (or partners) with whom she can enjoy the same extramarital flirtatious fun he enjoys.  Burdened by kindness toward his wife who tends to sit lonely at the dance club, no one asking her to dance, he can no longer find the energy to share himself with others in a dance.  The magic vanished.

If I can’t feed the wild man from Borneo inside me, then why bother caring about my life, let alone the species?

Let others stick to whatever works.  I already accepted my unhappiness being locked in the institute of marriage a long time ago, fulfilling my gentlemanly duties.

Is there anything else left for me?  Maybe. They tell me people talk, some who even read this blog, which I write as if it is a hidden diary, not tied to real life except accidentally/coincidentally, my literal literary escape mechanism.  If nothing else, there may be a life story of theirs I can write about and take my thoughts off of my hopelessness.

Let the silence begin — I never was good at the subtle/obvious signals of the dating game which some have mistaken as true love for my wife but actually is my fallback “safety from personal harm” mode — I can return to my contemplative misery that is my long wait to die, childless and lonely, returning to the states of energy to their lower inertial conditions.

Either that or say, “Damn it!  Long live the dance!  This merry-go-round carousel makes revolutions.  Screw the negative emotions and try for the brass ring again!”

Yeah, that’s the ticket.  Thanks for the contrarian’s pep talk, Rick.  🙂

watterson_advice_large

 

 

Is every touch electrifying?

Lee looked down at his smartphone — 100% charged.  Not used much that evening.

He swiped the screen to unlock.

Checking his multiple email inboxes, he paused his thoughts, holding a memory of a single touch, the person out of view behind him.

His thoughts restarted, rewinded, recalling high-heeled dancing shoes — the shoes merely straps, the wearer’s toenails painted blue, the calves brown, muscular, tight.  The wearer’s face unpainted, brown, Filipina, smooth, thin lines hiding on her forehead until emotions displayed with an instructor’s tone of professional voice.

“Toe, toe, toe, heel, Karen.  Head turned left, not tilted.  Heel!  Don’t be afraid or timid to step forward, Lee.  Elbow up!”

A hand reached from behind and pushed Lee’s right elbow up, holding it in place for his dance partner’s arm to rest upon.  Another hand smacked the back of his leg.

Bai laughed.  “That was fun.  I liked that!”  She smacked Lee’s leg again until he got his step right.

Lee’s dance partner, his wife, Karen, smiled.  “‘Heel.’  Like a dog.  Like the way they pronounce Hill around here.”

Lee concentrated on his waltz steps while also trying to let go and enjoy the music.

Bai nodded at Guinevere nearby, as if to say, “See, they are trainable.  You just have to know how to train them.”

To Lee, the reward for getting the dance steps right or getting them wrong was a corrective dance with Bai, or just the slightest hint of a promise of the chance to dance with Guin.

Karen stood and watched while Bai made Lee trace the same waltz steps she made, forward, then turned slightly left or right but still forward, tracing an imaginary straight line on the dance floor, less than the zig-zag of a grapevine move.

Lee looked at Bai’s legs, wishing they were his, remembering his marathon training days and his almost-sinewy legs of a runner.

Standing in a clubhouse lobby checking email was not going to get him those legs.

Wishing was not going to make him have athletic legs like Bai’s.

Still, Lee wished his wife desired athleticism over sleep and looked forward to them getting closer medical attention come October when their family practice physicians moved to a concierge system.  Perhaps Karen would finally get the diagnosis of sleep apnea that Lee believed she had.

Solve her sleep problems and Karen might have more energy to exercise.  More exercise, more dancing, lower weight and more like the lithe figures with whom Lee enjoyed spinning around the dance floor like angels.

Lithe did not mean size zero clothing.

Lee had danced with a woman whose size matched his wife’s but who had mastered the art of spinning a larger body size, thanks to her years of ballet training.

Training means practice.

In two days, Lee and Karen would start renting a dance studio on a monthly basis, dedicating themselves to their new hobby, the art of dance — waltz, rumba and West Coast Swing — their goal to be better students than Bai expected.

Lee lived from moment to moment, enjoying the sensation of change.  How much more he valued the change of holding the hand of a different dance partner as songs ended and began?

Warm hands, cold hands, perspiring hands, dry hands, single fingers, two or three fingers held at once, fingers covered with rings, bare fingers, painted nails, chipped nails, chewed nails, filed nails.

Strong grip, weak grip, shaky grip, light grip.

The electrifying first touch of hands told a lot.

The dance unrolled the plot.

The dancers’ bodies and the way they matched their steps leader to follower revealed the storyline, sweeping move by sweeping move.

What messages do static charges send?

What about preconceptions and assumptions?

Expectations and dreams?

Are thoughts conveyed at the impact point of two fingers about to touch?

Lee dropped the smartphone in his shirt pocket and poured himself a quarter cup of coffee, filling the rest of the cup with half-and-half cream, hoping to dilute the caffeine effect so late at night.

Else his memories would drag him to a keyboard and away from bed with his wife and cats.