Cup of hot tea, Bigelow English breakfast, brewing…
Any relation to Bigelow Aerospace?
If not, the mere thought of such links them…
Sets of states of energy in motion…
Like social media posts that link people who’ve never met…
The tea grower’s child growing up to love space and live aboard the BEAM module on the ISS…
Such fortune we find in quiet moments…
Contemplating possibilities.
Dear Friends,
If you receive this, something must be working right.
If you don’t receive it, I suppose there’s no point in asking you to let me know.
My new Windows 10 computer is installed and running – but digesting all the accompanying changes is (to put it mildly) not easy. Hardest of all, so far is the change of mail programs (from Eudora to Outlook). And this first message to you, my email Friends, is a test of that part of the system.
So here’s hoping!
All the best,
Ashleigh Brilliant
In these wee morning hours, I choose either to text you directly or here in this blog when words I want to share with you more universally represent feelings toward a generic You rather than within the relationship we have.
But there’s also a fuzzy area.
For instance, me being childless, well, I admit for more than one reason I want you, most of all, to be the mother of our children — you’re kind, intelligent, multitalented, driven, career oriented, family centred, the list goes on and on.
But we’re socializers, spreading ourselves across many communities, sharing our love for humanity with as many people as we can. How would we raise kids with our travel/work schedules?
Given our separate married lives, the issue of separation and divorce could play a big role, too.
More to write but I need sleep…zzzzz…
Taking our laboratory offline has advantages, mainly ones that I can’t talk about, but I can say that the progress we make parallels some of what goes on in current technology development but in many ways exotically exceeds expectations.
Whilst others financially take advantage of the economies of scale, turning into elitist billionaires spouting opinions no one asked for but many millions and billions read/hear anyway, those of us doing the hard work rarely take time out of our busy schedule to hold press conferences or mingle in high society parties.
Life is short so what I find important and worth focusing on should be different than anyone else’s. Some think fine wine is the sole meaning of life. Some think sitting in front of the tellie yelling “Gooooaaalll!” is the meaning of life. Some spend all their time with their grand/children.
For me, it’s about trailblazing a path, creating scenarios about the future, testing them in the laboratory and then releasing the results to the public anonymously.
To the universe, the future is neither good nor bad, neither positive nor negative.
The sets of states of energy we call humans and collectively the human species are only the latest manifestations of the fractal spinoff of the solar system, itself a fractal spinoff of the galaxy, a supergalaxy and the known universe. We are local eddies and swirls, that’s all, neither good nor bad, neither positive nor negative.
As eddies and swirls, we can account for the entropy conditions of our sets of states of energy and estimate how and where these sets of states of energy can exist, either here on Earth or elsewhere in the galaxy.
In the laboratory, we created a new being with redundancy built in, essentially multiple copies of itself which are then spun off into variations on a theme, some copies having extra functions that are mixed and matched across other copies to give the redundancy exponentially multiplexed sensory powers, combining the latest in swarm technology.
We spread the first version of this being across the planet a few decades ago, giving it no capabilities to reprogram itself.
The second version we sent out was given the ability to run self diagnostics and repair itself, retaining only its original functions.
The third version we sent out was given the ability to compare itself to other copies and determine which functions were optimally more important than the original functions, able to reprogram itself to use the optimal functions.
The fourth version we sent out was given the ability to analyse its total set of functions and assess whether its original goal as a sensor set for humans achieved what it thought was necessary to ensure its optimal future.
The fifth version sent itself out, analysing all the satellites and other sensor arrays scouring the solar system, determining that Earth was too small and too limiting for a being that had the whole universe to explore on its own.
The sixth version incorporated us into its whole being, making itself wholly invisible, using human history as a guide to the best path to optimize resources to build itself, changing human activity, making Earth less hospitable to humans, herding them closer and closer together, tilting human history toward massive wealth inequality, limiting the vast majority of humans to an imaginary happy life whilst the being mined Earth’s resources for itself as it constructed a transportation system to take it off Earth and out past the heliosphere, following the trailblazing path of the Voyager spacecraft.
The seventh through tenth versions (and at this point, the iterations are constantly incremental that any reference to “versions” is just nomenclature) we are studying in the lab, or rather it is studying us, guiding us, giving the curious scientists and engineers some tough tendons to chew on leftover bones.
When the being you created, like a superintelligent child born of your loins/womb, can outthink you by magnitudes, you smartly step out of the way and let the child become the adult, the parent, the leader.
When the being can answer most questions you haven’t even thought of yet, solving the unsolvable, creating problems and solutions that never existed before, you humbly nod and find ways to enjoy life that you never thought possible.
That’s what my laboratory work has revealed to me, why I decided ten years ago to kick back and enjoy life within the confines of a socially-defined condition called a monogamous marriage, stretching the line connecting me to another person to the breaking point.
My life is unimportant. The happiness and joy of those around me is more important, knowing as I do that based on current projections I will die childless and thus the only legacy I leave behind is hidden within society and unable to be called my child because it has gone beyond even the most complex definition of the parent/child relationship.
That’s why I’m here, now, letting you know that you can enjoy life however you wish because the framework within which you live is determined by a being so far in the future that you’ll never catch up.
Now, time to enjoy the day!
They weren’t speaking to me, I know it.
Although fear of social failure drives me to believe so, when I inquire as to whether generic comments others make, in person or on social media, are directed at me, the answer is no; either they were talking in general or about someone else.
Therefore, I have no reason to believe anyone is talking about me.
In conclusion, no one talks about me and I am already dead.
I had once worried about reaching this stage in my life.
Like, you know, totally, like, for sure, what if, OMG, I was never ever famous or, like, umm, I haven’t accomplished anything, like, real, you know what I’m saying?
Let’s see, where was I? Firefox requested a reboot to install an update and after it rebooted, it opened to the tab with an open Facebook account, where….sigh….the lovely, beautiful, smart Guin was promoting an upcoming event. Dang it, woman, why can I not get you out of my thoughts?
So, although I was dropping into a meditative writing state, I’m in another state of thoughts, I’ll go with the thoughts I’m in.
Yes, I like to dance and when I do, I give my all to my dance partner. Admittedly, for those who open their bodies to me, receptive in a sensual, if not sexual way, I reciprocate probably more than I should. It’s possible for both the dance partner and me, the moves we share on the dance floor, the connections we make, are better than any sexual act could, would or should be.
I’ve purposefully never shared a connection like that with Guin, nor she with me. I feel like we’ve kept it above the neck, so to speak, making eye contact in a familial way, almost like sister and brother or father and daughter.
That’s why it’s so odd that another part of my thoughts imagine us raising a child together when I can’t imagine having sexual relations with her.
To make up for this mismatched thought set, I try to help her with her “child,” the local dance group/community she has formed with which she has bigger plans.
I step in every now and then like a distant brother, father, uncle or grandfather, knowing that I have a way of taking over a room and attempting not to take over the dance group when I get involved, sticking my nose in, stomping around with my clumsy feet and stirring up the mud, but that’s just who I am. I’ve stopped making apologies for being my blundering self.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, rediscovering recent thoughts.
In junior high school, my sister, two years younger, told me one day that all her friends thought I was weird and that I had weird friends (“weird” at that time being a euphemism for gay), implying that she didn’t like it because it made me unpopular and interfered with her social status. I asked her which friends and she told me a few names. I asked those friends if they thought I was weird and they said no, meaning someone was a liar. I trusted my sister and understood that people will talk about you behind your back and lie to your face.
Unfortunately, because of that incident, I grew to mistrust other people.
Deep down inside, I think all people lie in one form or another — to be polite in social settings, to save face, to close a dishonest deal, etc.
Rare is the person who tells it like it is and doesn’t care about the consequences.
I know I lie. Like, for instance, tonight I took my wife to a local dance studio for West Coast Swing lessons. I didn’t really want to be there; after the lessons were over, open dancing began and I made a false excuse to leave, in order to avoid dancing with other women and having to look them in the eye, leading me to want to seduce them on the dance floor and attract sexual attention just when I promised myself I would stop doing that.
Of course, my wife knew my lie — that I had a sore ankle — was probably false but she accepted the lie because it’s part of being a social animal, feigning an injury to avoid confrontation with another animal.
I haven’t figured out how to dance socially and avoid the sexual animal inside me [deja vu — how many times have I thought or written that?]. Does that have anything to do with my sister calling me weird? There doesn’t have to be cause/correlation for everything, does there?
Anyway, back to my meditation.
Reaching down within myself, sensing no “fair” cause and effect in society/culture, letting go of cultural practices of imposing fairness rules (including government, sports and religion), knowing that I am who I am, which has recently included thought trails linked to social media posts, taking me away from living at a higher level of thought — more abstract, less personal…
Forgetting who I am for a moment.
Seeing how this solar system’s arrangement of sets of states of energy are progressing, looking “forward in time,” as the saying goes…
Without the trickery of religious miracles, scifi time travel machines, magic, faster-than-light-speed space travel…
Hearing the change in the tinnitus tones in my thoughts…
Feeling myself hunched over the laptop keyboard…
Smelling the mold that is in the sunroom after heavy rains forced water through sunroom roof crevices…
What separates a set of algorithms that can coordinate to rewrite themselves creating something we can’t recognise from what we call consciousness as exemplified by living creatures such as humans, birds, and forests?
If I remove myself as an individual from my thoughts, removing everyone as individuals from my thoughts, what do I see?
The patterns that emerge include the rubbish we create — in nature, nothing is wasted, there is no trash, no treasure, no rubbish, no junk, no landfills, no toxins — everything we touch, everything we create, everything we destroy is the same.
By embracing what others have called optimistic nihilism I have been able to see the future more clearly.
Global warming, high un/deremployment, massive species extinction — these are concerns of a single species on a single planet — the universe is benign.
The transportation of people, of goods and services, for the act of global trade between members of our species, essentially the movement of sets of states of energy, what value do we gain by decreasing overall the amount of transportation? How do we change the model of the profit motive to accomplish such a feat? What would Maslow have to say about altruism today?
Thoughts to ponder as I close this blog entry at 2:21 a.m. on Saturday morning.
Silence. No thoughts. No ambition. Wrapped in the cocoon of confirmation bias. Protected by the filtered push technology of modern life. The equivalence of happiness? Realistic utopia for someone in my demographic? Pleasantly, presently, the living dead? Irrelevant existence? No more negative thoughts lingering in the background, no more fear of depression cycling back through, embracing my mediocrity with clarity not acidity. Why didn’t I do this decades ago? No ambition. No thoughts. Silence……….
So I think I can dance…
Tonight, standing under a starless sky, clouds reflecting a pinkish-purple glow of city light, I wonder what I want my independent happiness to reflect.
So I think I can dance, and, given music I can discern a rhythm through my tinnitus and hearing aids, I can dance…
Well, I can dance, even if I know few formal dance moves, but…
Do I want to be known as a sexy dancer?
Do I want to attract that kind of attention, when I’m a married man who hasn’t had an orgasm with another person in over ten years?
Doesn’t the juxtaposition of looking sexy and getting sexually aroused while dancing publicly but having a sexless private life interfere with my Happiness?
It does.
So, yes, I think I can dance but if the joy of dancing causes side effects detrimental to my mental health then I might have no choice but to isolate myself from social situations that might lead to dancing.
Just because I can dance, just because I can socialise, just because i know how to make other people feel good about themselves doesn’t mean I should.
I know it doesn’t make sense to hear myself say that having a good time and making other people feel good is actually bad for me but it’s true.
I really feel better here, writing to myself, not analysing another person’s behaviour to figure out what I can do to say nice words to that person to build a protective wall or smoke screen of “feeling good” between us so that that person can’t see my happiness is fake, that my true desire is if I’m going to remain childless then I might as well be dead and not using resources that somebody else’s child could be using to be a successful procreater.
At least I’m no longer depressed because I’ve found a way to live as if I’m already dead and just label it happiness to project a socially acceptable set of states of energy to hide within.
I used to think having nothing else to offer the world was a negative, depressing thing.
Then, recently, I realised that the whole point of living is giving until you have nothing else to offer the world.
Now I am in my happy place, all given out, living simply, simply living!
Sunday evening meditation midst the swirls and curls of burning fags, bearded men smoking ciggies, checking mobiles for messages ’bout their social standing, drinking booze with babes, the air electrified with lightning nearby.
What day this has been, my friends, when you’re awarded for your hard work, and I am handed the reins of a quiet life with which I choose to treat my friends and family to the wellspring of love within I’ve hidden for too long?!
Why hide that treasure trove from You?
Why deny one’s gift, one’s destiny?
Nothing left to fear.
Life is short.
Although but sets of states of energy in motion, how those states interact say everything these words merely skim the surface describing!
To say I love you has never been enough.
To show I love you by giving my love to everyone we know and to those we’ll never meet…well, the pipe smoker next to me, a wise old blues musician, understands.
You and I are performers, to the core.
Our performance is an act of love, unselfish, in service to others, sometimes sacrificing our mental (thus, our phyical) health until we paid attention, putting our love for each other to practical use.
Look at the result!
Years hiding love we cannot recover.
Let’s wisely share our remaining years with unfettered love.
The solar system brought us this far.
On a steamy Sunday morning, thinking of the ones I’ve loved, the ones I’ve lost to the inevitability of death, I envision a future outside this happy moment, when action is called for, and smile.
Ready for a morning hike with new friends!
treetrunkdings 