In sports news today, the Republic of Ireland allegedly sent a private formal notification to the University of Notre Dame requesting a change to the name and demeanor of the university’s school mascot, the “Fighting Irish.”

Depicting an Irishman as a short, bearded, balding gentleman in a green outfit has angered the Irish people for generations and they’re tired of being portrayed as fiery redheads quick to drink a pint of beer or barrel of whiskey at the drop of hat or the end of a brawl.

Instead, the Irish government would like to replace the mascot with that of a sheep gently grazing in a field or, if a tough mascot is still wanted, then a banshee or some other fearsome legend of old.

However, the demeaning, repugnant image of the Notre Dame mascot must change or else the Catholic Church will excommunicate the whole university for violating the Irish people’s right to a decent reputation as one of the last European defenders of the Catholic faith.

No more wee little Irishmen.  No sirree!

The Virgin Mary approves this message of peace and love for those who claim her son Jesus as their Lord and Saviour.