The U.S. government agreed to a compromise with the powerful National Rifle Association in secret negotiations earlier this week.

U.S. citizens may keep their guns on one condition — that they use their weapons repeatedly during open hunting season.

The condition contained an exception — the hunting season is specified only for the termination of those with incurable violent tendencies, even latent ones that no person, chiefly trained psychiatric professionals, can see.

The exception contained a retainer — all U.S. citizens, regardless of the exercise of the inalienable right to gun ownership, must submit themselves for mental health examinations in accordance with the obliquely obscure rules embedded within the Affordable Care Act (a/k/a Obamacare), the citizens’ mental health scores published in a public database for all to see and comment upon in social media using bullying/shaming jargon.

A subparagraph of the exception specified a specificity: hunters must select three top choices for a prime hunting blind location and petition for a spot in the lottery to get their best choice.

In the past 24 hours since the announcement of the agreement, turns out the most popular places requested for hunting blind permits are in the vicinity of celebrity rehab retreats, liberal talk show host gatherings and progressive political brouhahas.  Anyone selecting shopping malls, theatres and/or schools have already been crosschecked against their mental health scores and randomly added to prime hunting blind locations themselves in hopes of making it to the top of this year’s Darwin Awards.