While subcultures, from the Ruralites to the Urbanskis, from the Entitlementists to the Independents, argued about who was to blame for society’s failure to prevent random acts of violence throughout history, the Presidential Council for Taking Advantage of Political Moments announced sweeping changes for public education:

One, all children must receive mandatory anger management classes, regardless of the outward appearance of their personalities.

Two, all children who appear tortured by their peers will be taken from public school and sent to Assertiveness Centres, private institutes of learning that simulate the warmth and comfort of home schooling, nurturing the happy leaders and followers of tomorrow whose parents couldn’t afford the luxury of safety for their kids from the violent chaos of bullies, sadistic teachers and pop culture cruelty.

Three, anyone who is mousy, compliant, bullying or uncooperative will have their psyches reprogrammed.

Four, all forms of sports will be banned from school, eliminating the chance that cliques of HGH-fueled students will wander the halls looking for someone to beat up.

Five, teachers will not be allowed to display favoritism, treating the weak and the strong, the learned and the unlearned, with equal cheer and neutral disinterest.

Six, all public officials must force their children to attend public schools, clean their own homes, drive their own cars and perform all the normal duties of the average citizen in order to eliminate the political-based class structure that has torn holes in the social fabric which, in turn, has created subclasses of passive-aggressive citizens who harbor ill will against others, carrying the primary phrase within their thoughts, “you will have to rip this gun out of my dead, cold fingers.”