In what has been labeled as the Presumptuous Journalist Act, lawmakers approved a convoluted batch of legislation aimed to clarify the rights of meateaters, vegetarians and gun owners.

From now on, at least once a year meateaters must kill their own food, using guns or other means at close quarters.

Vegetarians who refuse to eat meat, let alone kill an animal for food, must pay tolls for the use of anything — every road, building or other infrastructure; any product, including food, medicine, and/or clothing; any ideas, such as business, technology, arts, science, and/or sports — that was designed, financed, built and/or maintained by meateaters.

Meateating gun owners who kill their food more than once a year are given exclusive rights to own as many guns and as much ammunition as they want.

Vegetarian gun owners are allowed to own up to as many guns and as much ammunition as they can carry to a knife fight at a broccoli slaughterhouse.

In addition, submitted at the last minute in tiny print buried deep within the Presumptuous Journalist Act, any human killed by a gun, whether through acts of war, property protection, self-defense and/or domestic violence, must be used to feed the homeless, the malnourished and/or refugees without a reliable source of food.

A rally was planned for protestors on all sides of this issue but was delayed until this year’s harvest has been brought in, counted, graded and sent to market.

CORRECTION: The rally was canceled.  Everyone sat down at the tables for the Harvest Festival and resolved their differences, agreeing that meateaters, vegetarians and gunowners can exist, if not always peaceably, in the same society.

POST-CORRECTION: A family quarrel broke out at one of the tables and a gunfight ensued, offering opportunities for more presumptuous journalists to jump up and down, getting attention for themselves and the advertisers who support them.