Gut Fahrt!
By R. L. Hill, 2006
“You know, people are going to say I am repeating myself…but…I…SIGH! You see, I think it must be my fault.”
“You think so?” Darlene asked in her syrupy, Southern drawl, while ringing up a man’s haircut on the register. “That’ll be 12 dollars.”
“Well, it must be so. Otherwise, the legends would be true.”
“And if they are…”
David handed her a $20 bill, slightly brushing her fingers as she pulled the money from his hand. “Then anything is possible,” he continued. “Even an omniscient being…God and all that. Hell, even your astrological predictions.”
Darlene pulled the hair from her eyes and winked at David, “Perhaps anything is possible.”
“If that’s the case, then God help us all.”
“Help us?”
“Yes, because only a fool would want to live without protection in a world full of creatures with no end to their mischievousness.”
“Only a fool? Honeycakes, you don’t even know what you’re missing.” She handed him eight dollars.
David looked down at the money. He pocketed the fiver, folded the three dollar bills and handed them to her. As he did so, he looked up at Darlene and smiled, but then suddenly winced.
“What’s the matter, pumpkin?”
David stood motionless. He stared in the mirror behind Darlene, seeing what looked like a hollow depression in Darlene’s back.
= = =
Lake Storsjön, located in the northwestern province of Jämtland, Sweden, was once said to be host to the Storsjöodjuret, a lake monster. According to Wikipedia, “the first description of a sea creature in Storsjön was made in a folk-lore tale by a vicar in 1635. A common interest was not sparked until the 1890s, however. After several reports, an enterprise of locals was founded to catch the monster, even drawing the support from King Oscar II. Since then hundreds of monster spottings have been made. No scientific results have been made however, but the supporters have never lost faith.
“It is described as a serpentine or at least reptilian creature with a dog’s head, and it is said to be about 6 meters long. Some say it has humps. Some people describe the creature as a snakelike animal with a dog’s head and fins on its neck.
The ruthless attempts to capture the animal had upset many people, and in 1986 the Jemtia county administrative board declared the still unverified animal (having become something of a tourist attraction) to be an endangered species and granted it protected status. However, it was removed from the list in November 2005.”
On a relatively warm night in early June 2006, in a small group of rocks on the shore of Lake Storsjön, a council meeting was called to order.
“Enough is enough!” shouted a troll. “I can’t take much more of this abuse. It’s one thing to completely ignore our existence anymore but it’s another thing entirely to say the Storsjöorduret is not worth protecting.”
“Here, here!” the Storsjöorduret said in agreement, splashing its tail in the shallow edge of the lake.
Conversations of excited voices drowned out her voice at first. She tried to get their attention but a recent case of laryngitis was still making it difficult for her to talk. She stood up, reached behind her back and pulled out a gavel. She gazed around the group and not one troll, fairy, elf or tomte was paying attention to her. Torborg smashed the head of the gavel on top of the tree stump in front of her. A hollow boom rang out among the rocks. Everyone turned to look at her and stopped talking.
“Thank you for being quiet. Now, I agree with Stig that what the humans did was deplorable. At the same time, I see this as a great opportunity. Many of the humans are gathering in Tyskland…”
“Tyskland?” asked a rather hairy ape-like being.
“…including some of the provinces such as Brandenburg and Bavaria. I’m sorry, Sasquatch, what did you say?”
“What was the country you mentioned?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. You’re new here, aren’t you?” Torborg nodded to Sasquatch and an American Indian ghost, “Well, for you folks across the Atlantic, Tyskland is our word for what you call Germany.”
“Cool. Thanks.”
“No problem. Now where was I? Oh yeah, you see, with all these humans gathered, they’ll be primed for information about what’s going on. Humans are quite amazing when they bunch up. It’s like a bunch of bees in a hive, all excited about the prospect of a field of newly-opened flowers. They all want to take off and get the nectar. If we can… Yes, what is it, Trind?” Torborg asked a rather heavyset female dwarf holding up her hand.
“Uh, does this mean we’re going to get honey from the humans?”
“Honey? No, I can’t say that we’d be doing that. Why?”
“Well, if they’re all flying off to the field of flowers, I just thought maybe they were going after some clover. There’s nothing like good, fresh clover honey…”
“No, no. I’m not talking about anyone getting any honey. It’s just a figure of speech, that’s all.”
“Oh, well, I see. Would we be eating them, then?”
“No, I don’t think we would.”
Trind looked down at the ground, rather glum.
Torborg rolled her eyes. “Okay, Trind, we might find one or two of them for you to nibble on.”
Trind looked up with a big smile on her face, drool oozing out of side of her mouth, and clapped her hands. “Oh goody!”
“Not right now, though.”
Trind frowned.
“For goodness sake, Trind, did you not eat dinner tonight?”
“No, Father said we had a big meeting to attend and had to miss supper. Are you sure there’s not a small human I could snack on right now?”
Torborg turned to a group of nasty-looking trolls who were napping along the shore. “Hey fellows!” The only response was snoring. “Could someone smack those guys on the head?”
Sasquatch picked up a rock and threw it at the trolls, knocking one of them into the water. Storsjöorduret sucked it into his mouth and spewed it onto shore next to Torborg.
“What the devil?” asked the troll Helmar, while picking himself up off the ground.
“Helmar, do you have any foodstuff in your bags?”
Helmar shook his head and looked around. “Well, if I could figure out where I was sitting.”
“Over here.” Everyone turned to look at Hjalmar, standing next to a burlap sack. Hjalmar reached into the sack and pulled out a half-eaten leg of meat. “Not sure what this is but it’s yours if you want it, Trind.”
Trind rumbled over and grabbed the leg from Hjalmar. She sniffed the raw flesh before taking a big bite. “Tastes Ukranian to me. Or maybe some human from the Ural Mountains. Hard to say, exactly, because Helmar’s stench is all over it.” Everyone laughed.
“Okay, folks, now that Trind’s been taken care of, let’s get back to the matter at hand. Recognition!” The crowd murmured. Torborg raised her fist in the air. “Respectability!” The crowd hummed a little louder. “And more importantly, our fair share of tourists!” The crowd cheered in unison, “Fresh food! Fresh food! Fresh food! Fresh food!”
Torborg banged her gavel. “That’s right! But first, we’ve got to make a plan. Who here knows anything about how the humans communicate with each other when they’re not together?” Everyone stopped moving. “No one? You mean we’ve lived among these awkward animals for hundreds of years, watching them tear down our forests and cover our rivers and not one of you knows how they coordinate their activities.”
“How about you?” someone yelled anonymously.
“Me?”
“Yeah!” several people said at once.
“Why do I have to be the one who knows all this stuff?” she retorted. “Is it not sufficient that I spend all my time keeping track of you? Do you think I have any time left after I maintain the roll, recording our births, deaths, address changes, and loss of territory? Do I have to do everything?”
“Why not?” asked a gnarly, old giant between puffs on a long pipe. “Before you and your mother came around, we were just happy to creep around, hiding from the humans, who’d rather set traps and kill us or shoot us if they saw us in the woods. With all your lists and noisemaking, you might as well put targets on our backs and place us out in the middle of the road. I say we put you in the middle of a human settlement and let you figure it all out on your own. We’ll keep your lists for you.”
“For safekeeping, of course.”
“Of course.”
“Until I come back.”
“IF you come back,” the giant emphasized. Several grunts, snorts and head-nodding indicated the rest of the crowd agreed with the giant.
“Well, Lage, if I take on your challenge, and if I come back, you will be the first woodfolk I visit.”
“And you, dear huldra, will be welcomed into our home, as long as no humans are on your heels.”
“Okay, I will consult with Yngve, my friendly will o’ the wisp, to see if he can put my spirit into the mind of a vulnerable human. I will learn the ways of these strange animals and see if there is some way for them to be more attracted to us. The more of them we can get to come our way, the more fresh food and better protection we will have.”
Everyone chanted, “Fresh food! Fresh food! Fresh food!”
“Yes, yes! Meeting adjourned!” Torborg yelled, banging the gavel one last time.
= = = = =
NEXT SCENE – SUMMARY. Jonas, Ann and David get on the train from Altenerding to Munich. On the train, they discuss the plans for the day. Then, David asks Jonas about life in Sweden. Jonas describes modern life but for some reason, David feels compelled to ask about Swedish folk legends. Jonas tells about huldra and tomte.
Little do they know that as Jonas describes each creature, he is magically calling forth spirits of each creature onto the train.
= = = = =
STORY SUMMARY. The three humans head into Munich. Each scene in the story describes the trio’s encounter with a person who David touches and who subsequently takes on the spirit of one of the creatures that appeared on the train with them.
BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF ENCOUNTERS.
- Brush by elbow of young adult female in traditional Bavarian dress.
- Buy Johannes berries and touch hand of middle-aged female vegetable stand seller.
- Shake hands with middle-aged male oompah band leader.
- Put arms around teenage male Swedish soccer fans during photo of them in their outlandish costumes (gorilla outfit and female impersonator).
- Touch shoulder of old lady while standing with her in tower of Frauenkirche when she describes life in Germany before the war.
- Touch arm of old male Japanese tourist when handing a camera back to him after taking picture of he and his wife by request.
- Slap back of young adult male surfer in congratulations for flouting the law.
- Brush fingers of teenage female counter person at coffee house when paying for latte.
At the end of the story, they arrive at the Munich train station. David buys a ticket to take him to the Munich airport. Before he gets on the train that begins his first leg on the trip back to America, he hugs Jonas and Ann. David notices a twitch and mischievous sneer in Jonas’ grin that reminds David of the erotic nacken that Jonas had described earlier in the day. When Ann turns to walk away from David, David notices what looks like the end of tail dangling from underneath Ann’s overshirt.
= = =
In the last scene, David is back in his hometown. He sits in a barber chair, talking with his hair stylist, Darlene. David tells Darlene that he had been back in the US for approximately two weeks and it seemed to him that everyone he touched took on new characteristics, especially his wife, who had gotten into the habit of playing very cruel tricks on him for no other reason, she said, then to get a good laugh.
Darlene, despite being a strong believer in astrology, discounts David’s story as a case of paranoid delusions.
That is, until he touches her as he hands her a $20 bill to pay for his haircut.
History repeats itself.
History repeats itself.
David is stuck on a Möbius strip and has to find his way off.
treetrunkdings 