“Band Manager for The New Pornographers Admits Bribing US SEAL Team with Bin Laden Porn Stash”

“Obama Spied Secretly Negotiating 2012 VP Deal with Palin in Exchange for Alaska Oil Deal”

“Brazilian Scientist Creates Anaerobic Carbon-Capturing Artifical Photosyntheis ‘Tree’; Brazilian Officials Rejoice, Pave Over Amazon Rainforest for Massive Supercity”

“Saudi Government Converts Peninsula Into Giant Solar FauxPalm-Lined Beach, Using Faux-Grass Solar Panel Suburban Lawns to Fuel Modern Civilisation, Becoming First Nonoil-Dependent Nation”

“Technical College Opens New Landscape Engineering Department, Sponsored by the Intel-Huawei-Sony Corporation”

“Colbert Declares Himself Emperour, Forms New Global Government In Exile, Devoted to Dry, Acerbic Humour for the Ham-On-Wry Masses”

“Hillary Clinton Defeats Colbert in Thumb Wrestling Match, Reveals Billary Husband/Wife Coemperourship Rocketing to Mars Headquarters Soon”

“Union for the Preservation of Unions Dissolves all Worker Unions into Website for Chronic Employee Complaints titled ‘That’s Why They Call It A Job'”

“British Monarchy Funds New Comedy Troupe Shoppe for Exclusive Rights to Officially Make Funne of Thugs with Crowns”

“India Caught Drilling Gargantuan Water Tap into Himalayan Glacier Network, Consents to Relocate Bangladesh to Hidden Indian Gov’t Officials’ Private Holiday ‘Shangri-La’ Resort”

“George W. Bush Contracts Reagan-Thatcher Disease, Can’t Remember Details of US Presidency”

“China Finishes Plans of Tibetan Amusement Park, ‘Retrains’ Monks for Park Guide/Mascot Duty”

“Guinness Book of Records Annoints Panama Canal as World’s Largest Water Slide”

“Food is Shown to be Both Fatally Cancerous and Good for You at the Same Time – Anorexic and Obesity Support Groups Cry ‘Foul Fowl, Fools! Dig in, if you Dare!'”

Stop Print Shop Lexicographers Delete Punctuation From All Languages Stop Use Stop Instead Stop Stop Please Stop Stop Stop

“World Court Rules Trees are International Treasure, Allowed to Fall and Rot in Place; Roads Become Obstacle Courses; Cotton Prices Soar on Toilet/Facial Tissue Industry Conversion News, Surpassing Oil and Gold; Lumberjacks Protest, Invent Miniature Cotton Plant Chainsaw”

“Pope Blesses Islam as Catholic Sect, Sees Protestants and Jews as Wandering Catholic Children, Hints Buddhists and Hindus are Probably Catholic, too; Vatican City PayPal Donations Clog Internet More Effectively than Spam, Offline Bible Reading Explodes in Proportion”

“Research Shows Headlines are Subliminal Messages from Aliens, Nostradamus Predicted”

“Supermarket Rag Mags Receive Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Insightful/Entertaining News, ‘Legitimate’ Journalism Finally Dies A Merciful Death”

“The Committee Makes Satire the One True Religion, Outlaws Seriousness; Punishments will Include Reading Bad Jokes in Front of Drunk, Tomato-Wielding Comedy Circuit Crowds Night-after-Night, No Rewrites Allowed”

“SETI Discovers Radiowave Radiation Attack from Extraterrestrial War Accidentally Created Life on Earth, Intercepted Galactic ‘Wikileaks’ Communications Details”

“Life Started A Moment Ago, Ends In The Next Moment, Guru Proves with Lack of Evidence”

“Germany Will Only Approve Doctoral Theses with the Best Use of Plagiarism From Now On, the Government Precisely Copying GrecoRoman Law, Itself A Copy, for this Proclamation”

Thus endeth today’s satirically sacred meditative lesson. Bless you, Satire. Thanks for your confession – five hearty laughs and ten raucous guffaws every day until your next confession.